Men Who Were Married/involved With Women

Voltaire

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I’ve seen postings where several men wher e they were married to women but they now identify as gay or mostly gay. I’m curious to hear your progress/journey. I’ve been married to 2 different women and have been with several more in sexual relationships and I enjoyed those relationships but I’ve been drifting more and more into homosexual fantasies during heterosexual relationships. It’s becoming very strong and I’m interested to know how common this is for others.
 
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tps87

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I’ve seen postings where several men wher e they were married to women but they now identify as gay or mostly gay. I’m curious to hear your progress/journey. I’ve been married to 2 different women and have been with several more in sexual relationships and I enjoyed those relationships but I’ve been drifting more and more into homosexual fantasies during heterosexual relationships. It’s becoming very strong and I’m interested to know how common this is for others.

Some of this is likely in other posts I've made. I was married for 19 years, had a few kids (will leave exact count undisclosed for discretion but it was more than 3). I was happy being married with kids but about 10 years in the marriage started to have issues. I see that more in hindsight than I did at the time. At 16 years she left and then a somewhat difficult period occurred until the actual divorce. During much of that time I thought reconciliation was possible but she had other plans.

The above is background for answering the question. In high school and college I dated very little and focused on school, work, and hanging out with friends. I also had some attraction to guys but at the time I was very much pursuing living a "normal" life. I wanted the wife, kids, house, etc. so when I met my wife in college, at first as friends but later dating for 2 years then marrying, I was right on track in my mind. We had a good sex life - until about that 10 year marriage mark when it mostly died. I had always been more interested in gay porn and stories than straight (which I was careful to hide) so the decline in sex with the wife caused me to pursue that with more frequency. I wasn't planning to leave or make that "real" but it gave me an outlet.

When the separation happened, I started turning those porn fantasy's a little more real world. I started dabbling on the hookup sites but never met anyone - was just browsing. All guys BTW. Once the divorce happened, I got bolder and started making it real world - meeting up with a number of guys and sewing some wild oats I didn't do when I was younger. Eventually I met one who I was infatuated with and started thinking of a longer term commitment, maybe I would need to tell friends and family, etc. Then that sort of fizzled so I vowed to try dating some women - went on meet up sites to pursue that but never could get into it. It occurred to me I shouldn't do this if I'm not into it as I'm not just affecting myself - but another person who could become collateral damage. So I kept meeting guys - then I met the one who we are now at 2+ years still going strong. I've told some family and have more to go plus close friends. Eventually my kids as well (my ex of course will find out - ugh).

Now I wonder if I had grown up 20 years later, would I have still chosen the path I did or would I have gone for guys right off the bat? I'm glad I did what I did - I enjoyed that life - but underneath it all was this desire I kept hidden. Was my ex collateral damage? I don't think so - I was attracted, loyal and happy with her (if frustrated by a lot of the drama and fights she liked to start). I regret that it ended but I also couldn't make my spouse stay so I didn't have much choice. If I had grown up in today's world I suspect my current path would have been more acceptable in my mind and maybe I would have gone that direction to begin with.

So my journey I would say was very much influenced by our culture. Left to my natural tendencies I may have been with a guy right from the beginning. The stereotype is the teens/twenty somethings have the big sex drive but in my case it hasn't changed much - it is still strong. I think with age I have less care to conform or maybe I just had a need to experiment that I never fulfilled when I was younger that allowed me to jump in to try being with guys. From reading here it seems rather common that guys in their 40's/50's will have desires to be with guys. I'm not sure what that is - is it just repressed desires that they are now willing to pursue or is it something else that changes? Maybe guys who married young and never had a chance to experiment now have that pent up feeling of wondering what it is like? All I know is what I did made me happy and what I'm doing now is making me happy so I'll just go with it.
 

Jkus2424

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Some of this is likely in other posts I've made. I was married for 19 years, had a few kids (will leave exact count undisclosed for discretion but it was more than 3). I was happy being married with kids but about 10 years in the marriage started to have issues. I see that more in hindsight than I did at the time. At 16 years she left and then a somewhat difficult period occurred until the actual divorce. During much of that time I thought reconciliation was possible but she had other plans.

The above is background for answering the question. In high school and college I dated very little and focused on school, work, and hanging out with friends. I also had some attraction to guys but at the time I was very much pursuing living a "normal" life. I wanted the wife, kids, house, etc. so when I met my wife in college, at first as friends but later dating for 2 years then marrying, I was right on track in my mind. We had a good sex life - until about that 10 year marriage mark when it mostly died. I had always been more interested in gay porn and stories than straight (which I was careful to hide) so the decline in sex with the wife caused me to pursue that with more frequency. I wasn't planning to leave or make that "real" but it gave me an outlet.

When the separation happened, I started turning those porn fantasy's a little more real world. I started dabbling on the hookup sites but never met anyone - was just browsing. All guys BTW. Once the divorce happened, I got bolder and started making it real world - meeting up with a number of guys and sewing some wild oats I didn't do when I was younger. Eventually I met one who I was infatuated with and started thinking of a longer term commitment, maybe I would need to tell friends and family, etc. Then that sort of fizzled so I vowed to try dating some women - went on meet up sites to pursue that but never could get into it. It occurred to me I shouldn't do this if I'm not into it as I'm not just affecting myself - but another person who could become collateral damage. So I kept meeting guys - then I met the one who we are now at 2+ years still going strong. I've told some family and have more to go plus close friends. Eventually my kids as well (my ex of course will find out - ugh).

Now I wonder if I had grown up 20 years later, would I have still chosen the path I did or would I have gone for guys right off the bat? I'm glad I did what I did - I enjoyed that life - but underneath it all was this desire I kept hidden. Was my ex collateral damage? I don't think so - I was attracted, loyal and happy with her (if frustrated by a lot of the drama and fights she liked to start). I regret that it ended but I also couldn't make my spouse stay so I didn't have much choice. If I had grown up in today's world I suspect my current path would have been more acceptable in my mind and maybe I would have gone that direction to begin with.

So my journey I would say was very much influenced by our culture. Left to my natural tendencies I may have been with a guy right from the beginning. The stereotype is the teens/twenty somethings have the big sex drive but in my case it hasn't changed much - it is still strong. I think with age I have less care to conform or maybe I just had a need to experiment that I never fulfilled when I was younger that allowed me to jump in to try being with guys. From reading here it seems rather common that guys in their 40's/50's will have desires to be with guys. I'm not sure what that is - is it just repressed desires that they are now willing to pursue or is it something else that changes? Maybe guys who married young and never had a chance to experiment now have that pent up feeling of wondering what it is like? All I know is what I did made me happy and what I'm doing now is making me happy so I'll just go with it.
Hey tps87. Thanks for sharing your journey. Yes, a lot of us who married young, especially back when we did, May have done things differently if it were today. Having said that I think all of us, especially those of us with kids, have some how by default or accident or dumb luck had the privilege of having children. Ironic, now that is an option for gay couples now but was not back in my day. So to go through all I have, to be closeted and have to hide my true self, was all worth it for the joy my kids (and grandkids) now bring.
 

HorseHung40's

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Growing up as a teen, I can honestly say that I did not have any same-sex fantasies. I had my first sexual encounter with a woman in my freshman year of college. Because I was on the college's tennis team, there there lots of groupies, fans and boosters of the team, who were eager to get to know us socially, some even carnally.

All of my sexual encounters during my freshman and sophomore years were exclusively with women, although I was aware that I attracted a lot of men too. Even back in those days, tennis had a perception of being a gay-friendly sport. During those years, I had a lot of sex during those years.

By the end of the sophomore year, i started having sex for money. Once I started, I did not want to stop. I was being paid to fuck people. It was also at that time that a wealthy older male alumnus of the college offered me $200 a piece for my jockstraps, provided that they were worn and sweaty. i remember reaching into my laundry back, and, pulling out 10 of them. He reached into his wallet, and, handed me $2,000. Suddenly, I felt his hand reach up my tennis shorts and squeeze my balls! My eyes bugged out; my face turned beet red. Then he tucked $200 into the waistband of the shorts. He smiled. I smiled.

Eventually, he offered me money for me to fuck him. I declined at first. He offered progressively more money, until I said yes. It was 5x my going rate to fuck a woman. More and more men came to me for sex. I noticed that the act was very transactional with them; on the other hand, women wanted some companionship too, over and above sex. I started opting for more and more men as clients.

When I graduated with my doctorate, I gave up my gigolo career cold turkey, met my wife, and, started a family. All was good, until my wife experienced menopause. At that point, she lost interest in sex, and, did nothing to rekindle that interest. I looked for sexual companionship elsewhere, and, returned to men. I was sex as recreation and nothing more.
 

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Growing up as a teen, I can honestly say that I did not have any same-sex fantasies. I had my first sexual encounter with a woman in my freshman year of college. Because I was on the college's tennis team, there there lots of groupies, fans and boosters of the team, who were eager to get to know us socially, some even carnally.

All of my sexual encounters during my freshman and sophomore years were exclusively with women, although I was aware that I attracted a lot of men too. Even back in those days, tennis had a perception of being a gay-friendly sport. During those years, I had a lot of sex during those years.

By the end of the sophomore year, i started having sex for money. Once I started, I did not want to stop. I was being paid to fuck people. It was also at that time that a wealthy older male alumnus of the college offered me $200 a piece for my jockstraps, provided that they were worn and sweaty. i remember reaching into my laundry back, and, pulling out 10 of them. He reached into his wallet, and, handed me $2,000. Suddenly, I felt his hand reach up my tennis shorts and squeeze my balls! My eyes bugged out; my face turned beet red. Then he tucked $200 into the waistband of the shorts. He smiled. I smiled.

Eventually, he offered me money for me to fuck him. I declined at first. He offered progressively more money, until I said yes. It was 5x my going rate to fuck a woman. More and more men came to me for sex. I noticed that the act was very transactional with them; on the other hand, women wanted some companionship too, over and above sex. I started opting for more and more men as clients.

When I graduated with my doctorate, I gave up my gigolo career cold turkey, met my wife, and, started a family. All was good, until my wife experienced menopause. At that point, she lost interest in sex, and, did nothing to rekindle that interest. I looked for sexual companionship elsewhere, and, returned to men. I was sex as recreation and nothing more.

This was an AWESOME read
 

Jkus2424

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May I ask, were you sexually attracted to men when you were married/younger? Or is your homosexuality a new awakening thing in recent times??
Have always been attracted to men, even as a teenager. Think parents conservative stance and society at the time had me so deep in the closet I suppressed by gay desires
 
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tito21

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Have always been attracted to men, even as a teenager. Think parents conservative stance and society at the time had me so deep in the closet I suppressed by gay desires

If you were a teen/young man today. Would you still be in the closet and re-live the life that you had or would you choose a different path and live a gay life??
 
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Jkus2424

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If you were a teen/young man today. Would you still be in the closet and re-live the life that you had or would you choose a different path and live a gay life??
Knowing what I know now - think I would do a mix. From my first marriage, I had 3 kids and they are now married and I have 3 grandkids. I would want that as they are all bring such joy. But I divorced when I was 38 and remarried at 41. If I had over I probably would come out after the divorce.
 
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Jkus2424

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If you were a teen/young man today. Would you still be in the closet and re-live the life that you had or would you choose a different path and live a gay life??
What would you do if you knew then what you know now
 

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Growing up as a teen, I can honestly say that I did not have any same-sex fantasies. I had my first sexual encounter with a woman in my freshman year of college. Because I was on the college's tennis team, there there lots of groupies, fans and boosters of the team, who were eager to get to know us socially, some even carnally.

All of my sexual encounters during my freshman and sophomore years were exclusively with women, although I was aware that I attracted a lot of men too. Even back in those days, tennis had a perception of being a gay-friendly sport. During those years, I had a lot of sex during those years.

By the end of the sophomore year, i started having sex for money. Once I started, I did not want to stop. I was being paid to fuck people. It was also at that time that a wealthy older male alumnus of the college offered me $200 a piece for my jockstraps, provided that they were worn and sweaty. i remember reaching into my laundry back, and, pulling out 10 of them. He reached into his wallet, and, handed me $2,000. Suddenly, I felt his hand reach up my tennis shorts and squeeze my balls! My eyes bugged out; my face turned beet red. Then he tucked $200 into the waistband of the shorts. He smiled. I smiled.

Eventually, he offered me money for me to fuck him. I declined at first. He offered progressively more money, until I said yes. It was 5x my going rate to fuck a woman. More and more men came to me for sex. I noticed that the act was very transactional with them; on the other hand, women wanted some companionship too, over and above sex. I started opting for more and more men as clients.

When I graduated with my doctorate, I gave up my gigolo career cold turkey, met my wife, and, started a family. All was good, until my wife experienced menopause. At that point, she lost interest in sex, and, did nothing to rekindle that interest. I looked for sexual companionship elsewhere, and, returned to men. I was sex as recreation and nothing more.

you identify as more gay than straight but are not emotionally attached to men?
 
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Jkus2424

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May I ask, were you sexually attracted to men when you were married/younger? Or is your homosexuality a new awakening thing in recent times??
Sorry for the late reply, but missed your post. As a young teenager I was attracted to both boys and girls and did the normal mutual jo with other guy as I thought most guys going through adolescence did. It was when I was 16 or so that I knew my attraction to guys was more than just adolescent experimentation. However ultra conservative parents etc and the times I kept that side of my life in a deep closet. At college I dated girls but could not resist gay pork, gay bath houses and the occasional male hook up. After college, I eventually married and had kids. I did not stray or cheat during the 15+ years of a very difficult marriage, but after the divorce I made up for lost time, with men. The kids were having difficulty with the divorce so did not come out, wish I had. However at that stage of my life (late 30s) I was still attracted to both women and men. I remarried. For the first 10 years of the 2nd marriage I was so busy with career and international travel I was happy sexually in the marriage and buried my gay side. Still watched gay pork but stayed off apps and did not consider hooking up. However over that time sex with the wife slowed and my desire fore men grew. It was a mix of things. At this stage I had achieved most of those things expected, kids, career etc and finally felt it was time to address what I want not what others expected or what was perceived as the norm. Ironically it was also at this time (50) that I got cancer. This was the kick in the pants I needed to really Self examine. It was then I realized I was more gay than bi. Over the next two years with more self examinations I transitioned to the point I consider myself gay, not bi. Haven't had sex with the wife in years. Only watch gay porn, only turned on by men and only desire men. Sorry so long, but highlights the transition and the journey
 
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HOU_HEADHUNTER

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I used to see a guy that had been married for many years and finally got a divorce. He pursued me but at the time I was not interested in a committed relationship with a newly identified gay man. He was much older and had a career and I was young and still trying to figure things out so while I found myself highly attracted to him, I was also intimidated by him. We went on a breakfast date and I found out a lot about this guy. He was very eager to share his experience. I had so many questions about his marriage and what lead to him identifying as gay so suddenly. Come to find out he had been dealing and struggling with his same sex emotions for many years since his youth but did what was expected of him by his family, society, and his community. He was from a very small town in Iowa so there were not many opportunities for him to explore his homosexuality. He said there were not many options for him as a black man in a predominately white town and state which shocked me because he was a very nice looking man with an athletic body so I found that hard to believe. He said that his marriage did make him a better man and he managed to never cheat or step out on his wife but said the temptation was very strong. He expressed that his ex wife would always hold a special place in his heart because a good chunk of his life was dedicated to her and being a provider which I found to be admirable. Fast forward and he's now living in a new diverse city with a huge population (Houston), he's single for the first time, and his new chapter begins. This is how he and I met up. He and I were intimate and he enjoyed it so much he became very clingy very fast and it scared me. I was so afraid of commitment back then but now I often wonder what's going on with that guy. He was the one that got away and I regret not giving it a chance.
 
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Jkus2424

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Sorry for the late reply, but missed your post. As a young teenager I was attracted to both boys and girls and did the normal mutual jo with other guy as I thought most guys going through adolescence did. It was when I was 16 or so that I knew my attraction to guys was more than just adolescent experimentation. However ultra conservative parents etc and the times I kept that side of my life in a deep closet. At college I dated girls but could not resist gay pork, gay bath houses and the occasional male hook up. After college, I eventually married and had kids. I did not stray or cheat during the 15+ years of a very difficult marriage, but after the divorce I made up for lost time, with men. The kids were having difficulty with the divorce so did not come out, wish I had. However at that stage of my life (late 30s) I was still attracted to both women and men. I remarried. For the first 10 years of the 2nd marriage I was so busy with career and international travel I was happy sexually in the marriage and buried my gay side. Still watched gay pork but stayed off apps and did not consider hooking up. However over that time sex with the wife slowed and my desire fore men grew. It was a mix of things. At this stage I had achieved most of those things expected, kids, career etc and finally felt it was time to address what I want not what others expected or what was perceived as the norm. Ironically it was also at this time (50) that I got cancer. This was the kick in the pants I needed to really Self examine. It was then I realized I was more gay than bi. Over the next two years with more self examinations I transitioned to the point I consider myself gay, not bi. Haven't had sex with the wife in years. Only watch gay porn, only turned on by men and only desire men. Sorry so long, but highlights the transition and the journey
Does your wife know you are now enjoying gay sex. Does she know about your gay past?
 
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Jkus2424

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I used to see a guy that had been married for many years and finally got a divorce. He pursued me but at the time I was not interested in a committed relationship with a newly identified gay man. He was much older and had a career and I was young and still trying to figure things out so while I found myself highly attracted to him, I was also intimidated by him. We went on a breakfast date and I found out a lot about this guy. He was very eager to share his experience. I had so many questions about his marriage and what lead to him identifying as gay so suddenly. Come to find out he had been dealing and struggling with his same sex emotions for many years since his youth but did what was expected of him by his family, society, and his community. He was from a very small town in Iowa so there were not many opportunities for him to explore his homosexuality. He said there were not many options for him as a black man in a predominately white town and state which shocked me because he was a very nice looking man with an athletic body so I found that hard to believe. He said that his marriage did make him a better man and he managed to never cheat or step out on his wife but said the temptation was very strong. He expressed that his ex wife would always hold a special place in his heart because a good chunk of his life was dedicated to her and being a provider which I found to be admirable. Fast forward and he's now living in a new diverse city with a huge population (Houston), he's single for the first time, and his new chapter begins. This is how he and I met up. He and I were intimate and he enjoyed it so much he became very clingy very fast and it scared me. I was so afraid of commitment back then but now I often wonder what's going on with that guy. He was the one that got away and I regret not giving it a chance.
Thanks for sharing. Have you tried to make contact with this guy or do you know what he is doing now?
 

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I don't. I lost contact soon after because he was very persistent and I was afraid of commitment at that time.
Strange how things turn out. Glad you have found a man and you are enjoying that relationship.

If I understand correctly from your original post, you are not fully out, but are progressively telling people as and when appropriate. How are they reacting. Havevyou told your kids yet and if so how was their reaction