Mental Illness?

[Nelly Gay]

Well, Colonel... I think it's a lot like Nelly said: it's unseen. You can't look at a person with depression, or bi-polar, or OCD, or OCPD, or any of the myriad of disorders and see it! I don't know about most of the people here, but i learned from a young age that nobody wants to hear when you are "down," especially if you can't provide them with an easy answer about WHY you are down. The easy thing to do then, is put up a happy facade. Of course, the happy facade becomes harder and harder to maintain, and actually becomes a burden in itself, adding stress to an already weakened mental infrastructure, until you break.

I have always had a strong bond with my mother. I can talk to her about almost anything. And still, the first time i attempted suicide she was dumbfounded. She thought that i had been "cured" when i was medicated for Panic Disorder. We later learned that the medication i was given (paxil) can actually CAUSE suicidal thoughts in teens! But the simple truth of the matter was, i only told her how horrible i felt about one millionth of the time, and then, only when i could find some small thing to blame the feelings on. I simply didn't know how to tell her (or anyone else) "I feel like shit and i don't know why."

Your friend probably felt the same way. From what i've learned from others, what i went through is pretty common. He probably felt as though he was a burden. He probably didn't let ANYONE know how he felt because it would be "too much" for his friends and family to bear. It is very important that you don't blame yourself. It isn't our duty as human beings to each person we encounter "are you really as happy as you seem to be?" *hugs* to you, my friend.

My Mother could not understand my profound depression saying "but you were always a happy baby ! My best baby".

 

[dickman45885]

I was diagnosed as bipolar years ago...I cannot really remember when, sometime around 1985. My life for the past many years has been...well to say a series of ups an downs would be an understatment. I try not to think of it has a burden, but rather blessed....it has to do with attitude and doing my best to maintain a positive attitude. Had I know the problem would arise I would never have gotten married and had kids....Life for my wife has not been real happy, nor for either of my daughters. MI's are I believe genetic and my oldest has inhierted my bi polar. Life has not been pleasant for her either. I take meds daily, and will for the rest of my life. finding one which works is sometimes a real challenge and then when it stops working, as it inevitably will, and finding a replacement....well it can be a real challenge too.

Some of my friends do know, but for the most part friends and co workers do not know.

Has my MI caused problems....of course.

 

[tallguypns]

I'm a poster child for mental illness. I hide it well in real life, but not online. Everyone calls me eyeore.

 

[joyboytoy79]

My Mother could not understand my profound depression saying "but you were always a happy baby ! My best baby".

It never ceases to amaze me the ways well-intentioned mothers, general family members, and friends will try to minimize depression. It seems they feel if they could just make us realize how silly it is for us to feel depressed we will suddenly "snap out of it." Only, it usually makes us feel worse.

I was diagnosed as bipolar years ago...I cannot really remember when, sometime around 1985. My life for the past many years has been...well to say a series of ups an downs would be an understatment. I try not to think of it has a burden, but rather blessed....it has to do with attitude and doing my best to maintain a positive attitude. Had I know the problem would arise I would never have gotten married and had kids....Life for my wife has not been real happy, nor for either of my daughters. MI's are I believe genetic and my oldest has inhierted my bi polar. Life has not been pleasant for her either. I take meds daily, and will for the rest of my life. finding one which works is sometimes a real challenge and then when it stops working, as it inevitably will, and finding a replacement....well it can be a real challenge too.

Some of my friends do know, but for the most part friends and co workers do not know.

Has my MI caused problems....of course.

No form of MI is easy to deal with, but bipolar is exceptionally challenging. You are obviously a very strong person. As for the genetic link, i think you're right on the money there. In my family i can trace a line of depressive issues through my family tree, from my mother, to her mother, to my great-grandmother, and beyond. I don't think it's by accident that psychiatrists use family history of mental illness as one of the diagnosing factors. Hopefully, in the future, MI will be detectable and treatable before symptoms appear. I think the genetic link is probably the most promising area of reaserch to accomplish a blood-based testing method.

I'm a poster child for mental illness. I hide it well in real life, but not online. Everyone calls me eyeore.

I'm not sure i see the resemblence :smile:. I'm glad there is at least one character in popular child culture who deals with MI. I think Eyeore has helped many a young person deal with their own melancholia.

 

[bluekarma]

My God! Anytime you think you've had it bad all you have to do is take a look around. I'm so glad you made it out alive Kotch! I lived with an abusive stepfather for 12 years, I know what it can do to you, and I wasn't even his main target. You are indeed a very strong woman.

Like I said, for the entire 11 months I was living with him, I was locked in my bedroom, he'd take the handle off the door so there was no way out, locks on the windows too. When I was allowed out, he was with me the whole time and it was usually only once a month to see his or my family.

I wasn't allowed make-up and always had to wear big thick jumpers so that no one could see any bruising. I ended up pregnant and didn't find out until I was well gone 5 months ( I bled the whole time but thats another not very nice story as to why I didn't come out as bi-sexual until a few months ago)

I tried to call my father once, I remember running out of the room when he came home in a particularly foul mood, but he smashed up the phone before it had chance to ring. My punishment that day was one of the worst I'd had.

In short, it was impossible to get help.

I was luck though, I got out in the end. My son was 1 week old and I'd just heard one of the most terrifying comments of my life. He went out after a nasty encounter and I smashed the bedroom window and ran for it after jamming the lock so he couldn't get in. The fire brigade came and got my son out whilst my parents came and got me and him, the police picked him up at his fathers house just down the road.

Not all are as lucky, and its not always possible to get the help you need.

(Sorry to go into so much detail, but saying "I just couldn't" didn't seem very appropriate)

 

[bluekarma]

I've said all of this, but because it is so important in my life, I'll say it again:

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, and after a recent hospitalization has been given a further dual diagnosis of mild schizophrenia. I work for my States Department of Mental Health in a hospital that houses 250+ chronically mentally ill adults. Also where my Mother was hospitalized. I know more about mental illness on a personal level than I ever wanted to. I used to be so pissed off that MY Mom had to have this illness, that I had to raise her, and watch out for her, and that no one raised ME or looked out for ME. But now, I'm grateful. Knowing that her mania and alcoholism were actually a DISEASE and not just her hating me, and hating being a mother was a big relief. And as an adult, working here for the past 7 years has taught me how little there is being done for these people. I'm an active advocate for the mentally ill, and I spend as much time as possible working for the cause. These people have to go through an act of congress to get help, which happens to be the #1 cause of them NOT getting help. It's hard enough living with a mental illness, let alone trying to figure out what kind of red tape to get through in order that you could access the help that's out there. My Mom was lucky she had me, but what about all these people out here that are alone, scared, and dying inside their own minds. It's horrible - putting it mildly. Only someone who has suffered through, or seen someone suffer through a severe MI can understand the absolute hell that comes along with it. You can't escape it, and until you face it and get help it WILL eat away at you and any support system you have to help you. I could go on and on.

I, myself have been in therapy since I was 5. Yea, I'm pretty fucked up. I'm not going anymore, and probably should be. I took Zoloft for a few months after my baby was born because of some mild panic attacks and depression. I quit taking it because it ZAPPED my sex drive. Since then I've battled some ups and downs, and I am almost positive I have a mild case of bipolar disorder...but I know enough to recognize when it creeps up. So anyway...yea, MI sucks. The help IS OUT THERE you just can't give up until your satisfied with your treatment.

At the very least this may shed some light on my sporadic posting style??? Lol...gotta laugh about it!

 

[Nelly Gay]

JBT,

Thanks for starting this thread. I have always wondered how many of our members suffered from depression or a related disorder. It is not for the weak that is the truth. I have dysthymia the chronic low to moderate form of depression. Sufferers are usually functional but might get the label of moody, cranky, spacy, different. After trying Zoloft and Prozac which were fabulous and brought my mental clarity back where it should be I had to stop because of the side effects. I wonder how many of you also suffer from Gastrointestinal problems as well? the GI system has the largest need for seratonin to function correctly so it isnt a stretch that if you are having low moods you might be having GI problems as well. I just recently decided that I need to go back to see my therapist again. I have been feeling somewhat out of sorts for a while and I think he very well may be helpful.

Prozac upsets your stomach.
Yoghurt helps !

 

[SoFla8]

I still battle depression daily. As recently as yesterday the thought of suicide went through my mind. It's never been an option for me though. Ever. I'm a single dad and my kids need me more than I do it seems.

When it was severe years ago I was admitted to the hospital/psych ward on 6 different occasions within 2 years. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder w/Psychotic Features during this time. With the help of a different mixture of meds I was able to learn how to cope with the depression and eventually went off meds about 3 years ago.

It's true that I seem and look like I have it all together. I'm told I'm hot, funny, smart...blah, blah, blah. Everything is going my way. Right? Yes. Except on the inside i'm screaming, crying and hurting. You get used to it I guess. The "act".

And even though I'm used to it, I wonder what damage it's doing to my kids. They're 10 and 11, both boys. They dont know about my depression or all of the deep issues that I have, but they must know something. They're not dumb. They dont know that I'm terrified of women because of the way their mother treated me. They dont know that when women look at me I never see desire, only contempt. They dont know the battle raging in my mind between loneliness and fear. They dont need to know. They sometimes ask pointed questions like "Are we ever going to have a stepmom?", "Dont you want a girlfriend daddy?" and I dont want my attitude to ruin how they veiw women in their lives. They dont have an example of how a good relationship is supposed to look though. They've never seen me with a woman and since my divorce 6 years ago neither have I. I feel guilty because of it.

I want them to believe that not all women are bad, even though I don't. I want them to be able to face and defeat irrational fears, even though I can't.
I've never been to therapy. I'm not sure it would work, and by going I would basically be telling my family and friends that I'm still depressed and seriously fucked up.

I do believe that discussing MI in a forum like this can be beneficial, and hope that you can learn from me as much as I learn from the rest of you.

 

[thk8plus4u]

what's to be depressed about?
we have big dicks.

 

[joyboytoy79]

It's true that I seem and look like I have it all together. I'm told I'm hot, funny, smart...blah, blah, blah. Everything is going my way. Right? Yes. Except on the inside i'm screaming, crying and hurting. You get used to it I guess. The "act".

This is one of the major issues i have with depression also. I feel that if i show the "real" me, the one on the inside that cries at "stupid" things (my favorite show wasn't on because of a presidential speach), people will loathe me. And yet, the me that people see isn't all phoney. I REALLY am caring. I really do try to understand each person's personal perspective.

The trick is to confide in those who you find comfort in. Allow them glimpses of the dark waters below the surface. The surface isn't fake, it's just shallow. Even non-MI people have depths below the surface. This doesn't make us different from anyone. We don't need to fear showing our inner selves to some people. Some of thos people will judge us, yes. But others won't.

And even though I'm used to it, I wonder what damage it's doing to my kids. They're 10 and 11, both boys. They dont know about my depression or all of the deep issues that I have, but they must know something. They're not dumb. They dont know that I'm terrified of women because of the way their mother treated me. They dont know that when women look at me I never see desire, only contempt. They dont know the battle raging in my mind between loneliness and fear. They dont need to know. They sometimes ask pointed questions like "Are we ever going to have a stepmom?", "Dont you want a girlfriend daddy?" and I dont want my attitude to ruin how they veiw women in their lives. They dont have an example of how a good relationship is supposed to look though. They've never seen me with a woman and since my divorce 6 years ago neither have I. I feel guilty because of it.

One of my favorite quotes from a movie comes from Latter Days. I don't remember the name of the character who said it, but she said "There's nothing in life that is so bad, you can't add a little Guilt to it and make it worse."

Whenever we hide something from children it causes them future trauma. This isn't to say you should expose them to every raw emotion that crauses your mind. I think it would probably be a good idea to have some discussions with them about depression though. One VERY good reason is because depression often runs in families. Your sons may start to have a lot of the same problems you do, and if they know they can talk to you about it, at the very least, they'll have the added advantage of a family member they can confide in.

I want them to believe that not all women are bad, even though I don't. I want them to be able to face and defeat irrational fears, even though I can't.
I've never been to therapy. I'm not sure it would work, and by going I would basically be telling my family and friends that I'm still depressed and seriously fucked up.

Therapy is a scary idea. Popular culture tends to stigmatise therapy. In reality, it isn't all that bad. A therapist is really just someone who's had a lot of schooling, and is better able to listen to "craziness" without passing judgement on it. This is not to say that all therapists are wonderfull, but some are. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist and just try it on for size. Further, i would encourage you to find a support group. Most states have a mental health association that sponsors free support group meetings for people with MI and their families. It might be the perfect thing for you to do with your sons.

You have some very unique challenges ahead of you. I wish you luck in all of them. And if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

Best Wishes!

~Tylen

 

[naughty]

Guys,

I think the best representation of depression I have seen is in the movie, "The Hours". I think they actually get it. They showed a number of different manifestations of it as well. They also so wonderfully portrayed the type of behavior that others exhibit when they have to live with us. If you havent seen it, please do. You will say, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

what's to be depressed about?
we have big dicks.

Or perhaps high IQs.
Or good looks.
Or money.
Or none of that.
But what's your point, thk8plus4u?
(I suppose it was just an innocent joke, but ...)

 

[joyboytoy79]

Or perhaps high IQs.
Or good looks.
Or money.
Or none of that.
But what's your point, thk8plus4u?
(I suppose it was just an innocent joke, but ...)

Thank you Rubi! I think i made the note in my opening post that depression is often minimized with exactly those words: "what do you have to be depressed about you have ____(fill in the blank with any one of the above examples)" This minimilization of depression is actually one of the main lead-ups to suicidal ideation.

 

[Pecker]

Thank you Rubi! I think i made the note in my opening post that depression is often minimized with exactly those words: "what do you have to be depressed about you have ____(fill in the blank with any one of the above examples)" This minimilization of depression is actually one of the main lead-ups to suicidal ideation.

Well, jbt, I haven't reached, and probably won't (God willing,) a suicidal stage myself but I do suffer from a pretty debilitating case of depression (Zoloft is my friend.) I get the "but what do you have to be depressed about with that amazing sense of humor of yours?"

Many cannot fathom that my sense of humor is more of a defense mechanism than a talent but isn't that true with most 'funny' people?

 

[davidjh7]

Well, jbt, I haven't reached, and probably won't (God willing,) a suicidal stage myself but I do suffer from a pretty debilitating case of depression (Zoloft is my friend.) I get the "but what do you have to be depressed about with that amazing sense of humor of yours?"

Many cannot fathom that my sense of humor is more of a defense mechanism than a talent but isn't that true with most 'funny' people?

This is SO true---my humor is all that keeps me going some days. And is my shield against the self imposed and other imposed pain. I have heard that most comedians are or have been majorly depressed---the class clowns if you looked deep inside are probably dying inside. I have said it before---but nobody gets out free. Everybody has pain in their lives---just because you have something going for you, whatever it is, doesn;t mean that it halpes make you happy. You may get MORE greif BECAUSE you have something others may envy. Face it--the world can be a pretty nasty place, and unless you are either good at lying to yourself, or are one of the lucky that can focus on positive things, rather than let the majority of crappy things overwhelm you, it is pretty easy to get depressed about this world. What amazes me is that MORE people aren;t majorly depressed than there are. I'm glad that there are some people who learned early HOW to be happy, and kept the lesson through their lives!

 

[joyboytoy79]

OK...

So how many of you have had a change in sexual functioning since starting drug therapy for your MI?

I'm on Wellbutrin. NORMALLY it makes me extremely horny and i can't go for more than 2 hours without shooting a wad (exaggeration, barely). Lately, though, i've had almost no sexual drive. By lately, i mean within the past 4 or 5 days. I DID miss 2 doses of my wellbie, but i'm not sure that could make such a huge difference.

Normally, i wouldn't be bothered with this, but i've recently started seeing someone. My lack of sex drive couldn't come at a worse time!!!! Gargh!

Any other experiences out there? Anyone got any tips???

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

OK...

So how many of you have had a change in sexual functioning since starting drug therapy for your MI?

When I was on Paxil, desire became a dusty word from the distant past.
Wellbutrin was much better.
Now that I'm on nothing, my desire, all factors considered, is sort of back where I want it.
But I ain't 19 no more, fo' sho'.

 

[DC_DEEP]

A few of the posts have really hit on the biggest part of the problem: a person who has not HAD depression usually thinks it's just a "bad case of the blues" or "just feeling sad" or any of a number of other complete fallacies. Whatever the trigger, depression is most often a syndrome of symptoms caused by neurotransmitter chemistry in the brain. It is NOT "all in your head," so to speak. It is a definite physical cause - just like diabetes or high blood pressure. The comments about "you can't be unhappy, you are beautiful" or "you're so smart, how can you be depressed" is like telling a cancer patient "if you smile, your tumor will go away."

The other scary part is mood or personality changes can occur from such a staggeringly broad array of triggers; just ask any couple where the woman has severe PMS. The family and friends just don't understand how terrifying it can be to think to yourself, "Who the hell am I? I don't recognize the person I have become, and I don't know why."

Most mental illneses can be treated, but it is usually a slow and difficult process of diagnosis and finding the right treatment for the individual. If you are suffering, don't give up.

 

[tallguypns]

I just love it when someone says to me something to this affect: "Oh yeah, I konw how you feel. I got fired a few years back and I was down for a while, but then I got a new job and all was well. You just need something like that to happen to you. Cheer up."

Stressful events can cause the blues, or even trigger depression, but it's not the same as having a mental disease.

Makes as much sense as:
"Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my favorite sweater and that gave me cancer. But then after a few weeks i found where I misplaced it and the cancer was gone, and I felt better. I know how you feel"

 

[Wonderboy]

I'm melancholic...whatever that means. I have ups and downs, ebbs and flows. And that's just my penis!

I'm on no medication though. Although I did try some around a year ago now...Citalopram. Didn't really change anything and I couldn't cum...and was getting REALLy hard.

I don't think I have any serious depression, I just have ups and downs like everyone else. Things will get better. Things will get worse. I'll live life happy and leave in a hearse. Hehe.

I hope everyone finds happiness. Or a really old, expensive antique. The attic is a good place to look. The attic of your house or perhaps the attic of your mind