Met a girl but.....

[CoachMcguirk]

So I recently met this girl on a dating site. I sent her a message, we got to talking and we seem to have amazing chemistry. We get along well and talk all the time and are just great for each other. Well she wanted to meet up for coffee on Saturday and so we did. So I got there and it turns out she is actually overweight. So we had a good time talking and chatting and I left. It turns out the pictures she used on her profile were from last year when she was in shape.

Now normally I don't go after overweight or heavy girls, this is literally a deal breaker for me. But I like her and she likes me and we both have great chemistry as I said before but the only thing holding me back is her being overweight.

I was thinking that maybe I could date her and get her back in shape at the same time so she is healthy againand it works out for everyone. But that would be changing who they are which I don't do, I like the person for who they are, not what i turn them into. But I don't wanna say "Hey look I like you and everything but I think we should stay friends" (Your overweight I don't wanna date you) in shorter terms. Because I wanna be with her but its just her being heavy which is keeping me from going out with her.

Someone said I should just go after someone else. Which they are right but I could be throwing something out the window I might regret. Also breaking up with her because she is overweight sounds shallow (Its probably is shallow). If it wasn't a deal breaker then i wouldn't care but sadly it is. :frown1:

Really I don't know what to do anymore.....:frown1:

What should I do guys? Im literally at a loss here......

 

[Pandora77]

Hmmmmmmm, do you actually dislike overweight girls, as in do you not find them/her attractive, or do you just care what other people might say if you were going out with an overweight girl.
If you really like her and you are attracted to her, I wouldn't care what others are saying and give it a go.

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

Answer me this; Are you really motivated to get her back in shape to make HER feel better, or you?
If you really like her as you've said in your OP, you'd forget the fact that she has some weight and like her fro who she is.
And BTW, on a side note, you might wanna ask HER before you try and get her into shape, some women take offense to shit like that.

 

[rough_neck_9_1]

First rule, never get into a relationship to fix somebody. It doesn't work and it breeds anger and resentment.

This is really only something you can bring up and assure her you'll be supportive if she herself wants to undertake that labor. That being said you can also insist this is something you would want, but you have to qualify that statement by saying its also her choice.

 

[dolfette]

people you really like but aren't attracted to?
i call those 'friends'. they're nice to have.
she used old pics. what does that say?
she felt more attractive when she was thin.
telling her that you'd fancy her more if thin?
kinda redundant really. she already suspects.

 

[CoachMcguirk]

do you actually dislike overweight girls, as in do you not find them/her attractive, or do you just care what other people might say if you were going out with an overweight girl.

I don't find them attractive.

Are you really motivated to get her back in shape to make HER feel better, or you?

Both.

First rule, never get into a relationship to fix somebody. It doesn't work and it breeds anger and resentment.

Exactly why I don't do that.

people you really like but aren't attracted to?

This pretty much hit the nail on the head. Like I said she is great and we have awesome chemistry but physically I just don't find her attractive. I know it sounds shallow but thats just the way I feel.

 

[LaFemme]

You said you have chemistry, but there can't be chemistry if you're not attracted to her. You just like her as a friend. Be honest and say you just don't see this going any further than this. Don't take her to the gym, don't try to get her in shape. Start again.

She should not have used old pics. That was wrong of her. She'll learn too. Make sure your profile states that you are only attracted to athletic or thin women. Don't say "a few pounds" extra is ok.

As someone who has used dating websites, I'd rather be a pleasant surprise in person than a huge disappointment. I use current pictures and am honest about my weight. Not everyone else does. Just make your expectations clear and if someone doesn't meet them, at least you've been honest.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

She deceived you. Imo, back away now before more crazy surfaces.

 

[CoachMcguirk]

You said you have chemistry, but there can't be chemistry if you're not attracted to her. You just like her as a friend. Be honest and say you just don't see this going any further than this. Don't take her to the gym, don't try to get her in shape. Start again.

She should not have used old pics. That was wrong of her. She'll learn too. Make sure your profile states that you are only attracted to athletic or thin women. Don't say "a few pounds" extra is ok.

As someone who has used dating websites, I'd rather be a pleasant surprise in person than a huge disappointment. I use current pictures and am honest about my weight. Not everyone else does. Just make your expectations clear and if someone doesn't meet them, at least you've been honest.

Alright i'll tell her that its best we just stay friends. Like I said before I don't change people for who they are. I never have and never will. It was just a thought. I would have never acted on it.

I appreciate the advice.

Thanks everyone. I just wasn't sure what to do.

 

[ManchesterTom]

I heard a joke once, which was along the lines of:---

Fiat Uno cars and Fat chicks are both fun to ride, but don't let your friends see you.

I personally, have always thought it was a horrible joke, but there is a message in there somewhere.

One has to ask the question, is it better to go out with a person who's body type doesn't match your ideal, but that person is a real gem, and everyone you meet can see the magic and chemistry, or, is it better to go out with "body beautiful" who doesn't have quite the same gem qualities.

Good looks and external beauty will all diminish, with time, but a darling will always be a darling, and a bitchy bitch will always be a bitchy bitch.

 

[725672]

Alright i'll tell her that its best we just stay friends. Like I said before I don't change people for who they are. I never have and never will. It was just a thought. I would have never acted on it.

I appreciate the advice.

Thanks everyone. I just wasn't sure what to do.

If you can be straight up with her be straight up. Stand by your standard(s) She will appreciate you being truthful with her (perhaps not at first)
Be Real, too many fakers in the world already.

 

[Gecko4lif]

Cut your losses and move on

Never trust people who lie about appearance

 

[Guy-jin]

First rule, never get into a relationship to fix somebody. It doesn't work and it breeds anger and resentment.

Very very good advice.

It wouldn't really be fair to her to start dating her when she's overweight and then try to force her change.

I will say that it was pretty disingenuous of her to put up a pic of herself when she was in good shape if she's overweight now. I'm sure she's not comfortable with her weight, but that should encourage her to try to do something about it if possible (and if not possible--like she has some physiological problem--then she should put up representative pics).

Good luck.

 

[ConstantComment]

I'm curious. How much weight can one gain in a year's time to look siginifcantly different? Was she sick over the last year and taking medicine that put on weight. (I experienced weight gain with steroids due to my cancer treatments but nothing that was image changing.)

 

[minimag]

She should not have used old pics. That was wrong of her. She'll learn too. Make sure your profile states that you are only attracted to athletic or thin women. Don't say "a few pounds" extra is ok.

The problem is that there is no set limit for "a few." Is it 5lbs, 10, or even 20?

Also, the term BBW is a lie. I've met plenty of hideously ugly fat women (ugly both inside and out). The first B shouldn't automatically come with the second.

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

I totally agree with LeFemme and Dolfe here...

If you are looking for a type person (emotionally, intellectually, AND phsyicaly) then you should state it in your profile.

You made a comment about being shallow. You are 21 years old (just getting into the dating scene) and you are looking for something specific. She represented to you what you are looking for in the pictures, but is not that now. You got to know her personality and you get along with her. You know what you want. You know what will make you happy. I think it sounds a bit shallow, b/c what if you meet the 'perfect girl' and in 2 years she reaches that limit where you say ... oh no.. now you are overweight... (have you considered that?) Whether or not it is shallow....it is who you are.

I say tell her that you'd like to stay friends. I'm not sure that I'd tell her 'why' (like dolfette... she already suspects)

This is a good question...and lots of discussion to be had on this one.

I also think durbantom had a good point: " Good looks and external beauty will all diminish, with time, but a darling will always be a darling, and a bitchy bitch will always be a bitchy bitch. "

good luck

 

[Uncutsouthernboy]

Just how over weight is she? Is she pudgy, chubby, plump, fat, obese, or "watch out it is coming this way"?

If you like her personality, give her a chance. The love you give may prompt her to get back in shape.

I just went to a class reunion and girl there had been homecoming Queen, voted most beautiful, prom Queen, etc, etc all her life. She always did act like she felt she was better than everybody else and treated them such. Well, after 30 years, she has not changed one bit. Still beautiful and still a bitch. Her best friend looks kinda like a muppet character but had a great personality and still does.

One the other hand, she might be a great cook. That is something rare to find these days. My grandmother had a little cast iron trivet that read "Kissing don't last, cooking do".

Then also, there is the possibility that once she really gets to know you, she won't like you.

 

[ConstantComment]

Just how over weight is she? Is she pudgy, chubby, plump, fat, obese, or "watch out it is coming this way"?

If you like her personality, give her a chance. The love you give may prompt her to get back in shape.

I just went to a class reunion and girl there had been homecoming Queen, voted most beautiful, prom Queen, etc, etc all her life. She always did act like she felt she was better than everybody else and treated them such. But she was still voted as prom Queen. Well, after 30 years, she has not changed one bit. Still beautiful and still a bitch. Her best friend looks kinda like a muppet character but had a great personality and still does.

One the other hand, she might be a great cook. That is something rare to find these days. My grandmother had a little cast iron trivet that read "Kissing don't last, cooking do".

Then also, there is the possibility that once she really gets to know you, she won't like you. And what's the point of this remark?

My vote here is for the OP to go with his gut instinct for a couple of reasons. 1) He is still young. A lesson learned, if there is one, first hand, will be the most well learned. 2) My thoughts about young people who are already overweight or more, is that it's only going to get worse. They are right now at a time in their life when their metabolism is at its highest. And also pre pregnancy weight for the both of them (I have seen men gain wieght after marriage or their first child(ren). 3) I get tired of the implicit platitudes, ie, unattractive people are SO worthy; attractive people are so shallow, hookay.

 

[molotovmuffin]

I totally agree with LeFemme and Dolfe here...

If you are looking for a type person (emotionally, intellectually, AND phsyicaly) then you should state it in your profile.

You made a comment about being shallow. You are 21 years old (just getting into the dating scene) and you are looking for something specific. She represented to you what you are looking for in the pictures, but is not that now. You got to know her personality and you get along with her. You know what you want. You know what will make you happy. I think it sounds a bit shallow, b/c what if you meet the 'perfect girl' and in 2 years she reaches that limit where you say ... oh no.. now you are overweight... (have you considered that?) Whether or not it is shallow....it is who you are.

I say tell her that you'd like to stay friends. I'm not sure that I'd tell her 'why' (like dolfette... she already suspects)

This is a good question...and lots of discussion to be had on this one.

I also think durbantom had a good point: " Good looks and external beauty will all diminish, with time, but a darling will always be a darling, and a bitchy bitch will always be a bitchy bitch. "

good luck

Amen sister.

 

[EllieP]

I'm so conflicted on this whole thing. I really feel sorry for the girl, too. I mean, I know she wasn't completely truthful by using an old pic, but I've done the very same thing here. My old avatar was 10 year-old when I had long hair. My new one is more recent. But I liked the way I looked then.
My Dad used to have an old saying "If you marry a girl for looks you'll probably buy a house for paint."
If there is a chemistry then looks have little say so in the matter. If you're truly concerned about her health tell her so, but you'll definitely have to be along in the relationship to do that.
It's going to be a hard row to hoe, Darling. So the decision is completely up to you. I've had 30-lb swings in the past, and there's no guarantee they won't happen again.