Military Wives

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dafeesh, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. dafeesh

    dafeesh New Member

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    I got to thinking today about the percentage of military that cheat on their partners while they are overseas serving...according to anecdotes around the internet that its a very high amount.
    Do any of you guys have any stories, comments, concerns? Whats your take on this?
     
  2. Gillette

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    Are you asking about military personnel who cheat while overseas or the spouses who stay behind?
     
  3. dafeesh

    dafeesh New Member

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    Spouses who stay...seems shitty and this can be the other way around like if you have a woman overseas and a male partner who stays behind and sees that as an opportunity to cheat for months on end. I understand the whole loneliness issue but come on..these people are often risking their lives for their country.
     
  4. AlteredEgo

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    You have no idea what it is like to be a military spouse. It is unbelievably isolating. First, your spouse moves you far from your social network, and support system. Then you try to replace those people, make new friends, build a new support system. BUt the people living where you live now are not like the people back home. These people are flaky, can't keep plans, and just generally are not of your culture. Maybe you're so different, the other wives simply won't let you hang out with them. Maybe you don't like the other wives anyway, and would rather be friends with the guys on base. That doesn't help your reputation any. The lines at the commissary are long, and the commissary is nowhere near your job or house. It was closer when you lived on base, but the other wives were snubbing you, the Navy gangs were scaring you, and it just plain makes better economic sense to take BAH and move into town. You do the math, and figure out your spouse makes less than minimum wage. You ask your boss for a raise and they laugh. You just got here, Pushy. The kids are constantly outgrowing their clothes and toys, the garden won't grow, but at least you have each other. And then the deployment comes.

    Your ombudsman tries to hook you up with support groups and base-wide social events, but no one shows up, except those three bitchy wives who hate you. You go home to take care of your children, and you get no relaxing adult time, because the only adult who loves you within a 500 mile radius is OCONUS, and OPSEC won't let him contact you. It's been three weeks since his last email, forget about Skype. You don't know where he is, or what his mission is. He finally logs into Skype, or a similar permitted service. He is thin, and distracted. In under 5 minutes he goes to bed. He says there's no way to know how much time he has to get any sleep, but he loves you. You didn't get a chance to tell him any of the hundreds of things you've been waiting to tell him. He didn't ask, and he didn't give you time to volunteer. You will tolerate this type of spotty, one-sided communication for up to six months at a time. You try to cope by sending him emails. His internet is so unreliable, that he never reads them.

    One day, you leave your house knowing full well you look much worse than you feel, and you feel pretty badly. Someone is nice to you. They make you feel sexy, and competent. Your children don't spaz out around him. He makes your garden grow, your computer work, introduces you to his very sweet friends, and suddenly you have a social life on the weekends again. It's just a few people stopping by for beers on their way to something else, but they know you can't leave your kids, and they want to see you. Your friend decides to stay behind and keep you company. Enough instances of this, and maybe in a particularly weak moment, something happens.

    Deployment ends (for now) and your spouse comes home. He wants everything to be done his way, even though the household has been running just fine without him. He is having a really hard time reintegrating with your family, and you are not getting along. Why can't he be the way he was before he enlisted? Why can't he be more like your sweet, helpful, friend?

    I'm a Coastie wife, and our deployments are shorter, only 2-3 months at a time, as opposed to the Navy where they can be gone 6 -9 months. Our men and women don't usually go as far away, and they have better internet than any of the other branches. When my husband deploys, I hear from him every day, unless it interferes with OPSEC (operational security). If he makes land for morale, I get a Skype call. But when he is gone, I don't just feel isolated, I feel completely alone. I have never cheated on my husband, but there are certainly offers, and I definitely understand the temptation. I find it completely inappropriate for the uninitiated to pass judgment. No, you do NOT "understand the whole lonliness issue" or you wouldn't have asked the question. As if the fact that his life is in jeopardy makes staying behind any easier. (HINT: his constantly being in danger is part of the difficulty.)
     
  5. sgtrock

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    Having served in the United States Marines I first would have to give credit to any spouse who can commit in a relationship with anyone who goes into harms way (similar to a fireman or policeman) it is an incredible selfless act!

    Speaking for the Marines I know it is not condoned to either fraternize or cheat on your spouse in fact is looked at quite harshly and can be punished.

    While serving in Hawaii, Subic Bay, Okinawa I will say there was a perceived high amount of Westpac Widows or the like who did frequent the E Club or NCO
    Club but I don’t necessarily believe this be isolated to the military but it may however be fueled by several factors; long deployments, loneliness, and youth!

    I mean the average military wife is between 18 and 25 years old when they first wed and add to this that their NEW husband then disappears on a six to eighteen month deployment it takes one strong woman to deal with this. Quite frankly many marry out of desperation, loneliness and simply being horney while home on leave – Not necessarily LOVE or the recipe for a strong marriage!

    On a the other hand a separate issue tends to be wives from abroad who come to the US under marriage but may be really seeking a quick path to citizen ship as well as seeking to marry up – it happens and NO ethnic group is more prevalent regardless of what most American women may think. They aren’t all Bar Girls who the GI’s fall in love with.

    Serving in Special Forces or in RECON I chose up front not to be in a committed relationship for most of the reasons I have stated above. I mean personally it would incredibly selfish to ask someone to wait.

    Again there are many strong marriages within the military community in fact I would argue that most are in stronger and obviously tested relationships that their civilian counterparts will never experience. We are still human and cheating isn’t isolated to the civilian community. Although it may suck to a serviceman or woman overseas it still takes a particularly strong and mature couple to be married in the military! No civilian wife will ever understand what their military spouse counter part goes through; the loneliness, raising a family single-handedly and more…GOD Bless those who do and do stay faithful.

    ~ Semper Fi Delis ~ although it is the Marine motto it doesn’t however necessarily pertain to relationships…
     
  6. Gillette

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    Sadly military personnel are at a higher risk of making poor matches in the first place.

    Many marry too young.
    - They're enlisted straight out of high school in many cases and may not have the emotional maturity to make a match on based on shared values, but since being willing to risk your life means "you're a man now" they think they know what they're doing.
    - They're young, adrenaline fueled and away from home. I wouldn't be surprised if many married because they knocked up a local girl and felt the need to "do the right thing".
    - Some will marry their high school sweetheart before going away.

    Not age related is loneliness.- The military bases where they're stationed aren't likely to be close to home. While they'll have the camaraderie of their unit it's not the same as having someone to whom they're special and a home.

    Selection of partners is limited.- Most military bases are in remote areas (less so with naval installations) where the civilian population is small. You're much less likely to find a true love match amongst a group of 25 eligible partners than a group of 250.

    Deployment- Being sent away can make one feel like their destiny is in the wind. Getting married may be seen as a way of anchoring themselves, a place or person to return to. If they're already in a relationship that seems to be going pretty well getting married (on the face of it) is a better way of ensuring that continuance than, "Will you wait for me?".

    Adrenaline- Studies have shown that we're more likely to find someone attractive if we're fueled with adrenaline (Hence the scary movie on dates). Military personnel in training or expecting deployment will have a higher level of adrenaline than the average insurance salesman and that can cloud their judgment regarding compatibility.

    Of course it all comes down to individual personality but I think these factors often come into play when people in the service marry and it can make for some bad choices.

    I asked one of my cousins, who is in the military, which department his fiancée worked in. He shrugged and said he didn't know. Something told me that marriage wasn't prompted by any deep abiding bond. It didn't last a year.

    I've heard several stories of women from these remote towns marrying the guys on base so that they could move out of hicksville when their husband was transferred only to split from them once they had moved, often fleecing them in the process. More time and a clearer perspective may have allowed those men to see what these women were like beforehand. But since the factors mentioned earlier hamper the ability to make an appropriate match military men become easy prey for women like SERIAL BIGAMIST & GRIFTER BOBBI FINLEY (AKA 30 OTHER NAMES OR MORE) TARGETS MILITARY SERVICEMEN and Woman Marries Several Military Men; Claims a Psychological Disorder - Fight Bigamy.

    Add the reduced chance of getting caught while the spouse is deployed to the higher chance of making a poor match in the first place (never mind the usual reasons for infidelity)and you have a recipe for military personnel being at higher risk of being cheated on while deployed.

    And, yes, it does suck. Big time.
     
  7. LeeEJ

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    There's a reason why you can buy bumper stickers that say, "Marine Wife - Toughest Job In The Corps".

    I'm lucky in that I got married when we were both older and more mature -- we got married just last year, she's 40 and I'm 39. We both have had a lot of experience living alone, so although we're spending a bunch of time apart, she still has a network of friends to spend time with.

    I'm also lucky that my MOS doesn't exactly deploy for months at a stretch, too. We're away from home for maybe 120-130 days a year, but it's split up among shorter trips, the longest of them being about 7 weeks and 3 weeks. Extra bonus for having internet access so we can webcam often.

    Crazy spouses are crazy spouses no matter what the other person is doing. If you find a good one, they're a true treasure.
     
  8. LeeEJ

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    I'll add a couple things --

    At least in my unit, peer pressure is very much to stay faithful to one's marriage. If anyone's cheating, they don't dare utter a peep about it. If someone does, it really ruins their reputation among everyone else.

    I've also got a recently-retired friend who stayed single the entire time. His reasoning was that when you're in, the job comes first, and your family life has to take a back seat. It's not fair to demand that a spouse put aside everything they want to do in their own lives. Some families here have a hell of a time being separated so much, but some seem to do pretty well. Hopefully my own marriage will continue to do well, too.
     
  9. Neveragain4

    Neveragain4 New Member

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    Semper FI, and Thank you. usmc 1989>
     
  10. B_JasonX87

    B_JasonX87 New Member

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    A good percentage I know have had their spouse at home cheat on them. I can see how it's tough being so distanced for so long. It takes a lot to hold out and be faithful I imagine. I have had a couple friends that had their wifes cheat on them while deployed. Shitty.
     
  11. AlteredEgo

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    My husband told me nightmares about the men on his last cutter. One was busy eating out a prostitute while his child was born, and that's why he missed the phone call alerting him that his wife was en route to the hospital. Most of the rest of them used to make fun of my husband because he has a nice, healthy fear of STDs. Now, if you ask me, anyone who isn't afraid of coming into contact with an STD already has one. I know that's a projection, but I don't think it's an unreasonable one. The military life is full of reasons to cheat. All one can do is hope that they and their partner can find better reasons to remain faithful.
     
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