I have dozens of stupid sex stories. The trouble is deciding which to tell first. I feel like I once started a thread on this topic, but I can't find it. So, I'm bumping this one, because we could all use a laugh.
Did I ever tell you about the time a dude sealed my asshole and blew in, causing me to immediately fart in his mouth? We were both pretty mortified for a few moments before we laughed hysterically.
Naturally, I have many memories of falling off the bed. Did I tell you about the time we fell off the bed and broke some glass cups from the nightstand, and couldn't figure out how to get up because the glass was everywhere?
What about the time in my late teens (19) when we didn't hear his mother pull into the driveway? We were in flagrante dilecto on the living room rug. I hid behind a large piece of furniture because while he could slip into shorts and tee before she got the door open, my clothes were more complicated. I pretended to be waiting for a chance to jump out and scared her, and she pretended to be fooled. I had, unfortunately, left my shoes and purse in the vestibule. She knew the whole time.
There was the time we lost the condom inside me. I thought he fished it out with his fingers. I knew I was uncomfortable for a couple of days, but I thought he scratched me retrieving it. He thought I knew he failed and got it out myself. I had very mixed feelings when I finally reached in and pulled it out during a bathroom break at work. That could have ended badly. We never used a condom again for the rest of that relationship. What made me look for it? Not only did I still have that weird, uncomfortable feeling, but it shifted, and then I could hear it!
What about the time I accidentally bent it, and after he came we found out he was bleeding through his urethra? I kept trying to convince him to let me take him to hospital. Once we were sure it was fine, we were able to both laugh about it. Then, we tried out another round, found it still working perfectly, (so perfectly) and laughed some more.
Some here know about the time his LVAD freaked out and we both got a dose of current from the defibrillator. Shocking. LOL
A few days later, we got frisky and out of hand in his hospital bed and got busted by a very nice nurse because it turned out that I was laying on the call button. Jeebus. I still blush about that one.
Once, we were getting away with a hand job in a movie, but he started bucking his hips and I had to stop because I'm certain this other dude caught on. So awkward. If he just would have kept still!
Tried out ocean sex, but the saltwater felt gritty and oddly dry. Half a stroke in we both frowned, and laughed about how quickly we both wanted to stop.
I can't tell you how many horns I've honked with my ass.
I'm sure I have more. Share goofy sex stories.