Missed Opportunities

wallyj84

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I always dwell on my failures. On the moments where I let something great slip through my fingers.

Recently I have been really focussed on the time during college where I could have dated a beautiful Eastern European exchange student. She was for some reason interested in me and I knew it, but I was so self loathing, socially awkward and insecure that I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it and actively tried to ruin it.

I forgot about her for a long time, but the memories have come back as I've been home taking care of my mother. She is sick now and I am here trying to help her get set up in her home. She only has her two sons to help her and we're both busy or far away. We're doing what we can, but things would be so much easier if she had a husband or partner to help. Seeing her like this really makes me question my decision to be single. It makes me wonder if I should pursue a relationship so that I'm not alone when old age comes for me. And makes me wonder if I already lost out on that perfect person some time in the past.

The single life is glorious, but I wonder if being single is really in our nature or self interest.
 

DiamondJoe

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I always dwell on my failures. On the moments where I let something great slip through my fingers.

Recently I have been really focussed on the time during college where I could have dated a beautiful Eastern European exchange student. She was for some reason interested in me and I knew it, but I was so self loathing, socially awkward and insecure that I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it and actively tried to ruin it.

I forgot about her for a long time, but the memories have come back as I've been home taking care of my mother. She is sick now and I am here trying to help her get set up in her home. She only has her two sons to help her and we're both busy or far away. We're doing what we can, but things would be so much easier if she had a husband or partner to help. Seeing her like this really makes me question my decision to be single. It makes me wonder if I should pursue a relationship so that I'm not alone when old age comes for me. And makes me wonder if I already lost out on that perfect person some time in the past.

The single life is glorious, but I wonder if being single is really in our nature or self interest.
With respect, that's a rather romantic "happily ever after" with someone you (kinda?) knew briefly some time ago.

Can you be so sure that she was "the one", or that "the one" hasn't yet bumped into you? This is all, however, just speculation.

I will just point out a common human trait that might be termed "the other man's grass is always greener". We seem to be programmed to want what the other has got, overlooking the problems in their set up and forgetting what we ourselves have. It's natural, to an extent, but unhelpful.

The logic of your argument is that it makes sense to be with someone, for most people, it just has certain benefits - I'll scratch you back if you scratch mine kinda thing. But it's not for everyone.

I would counsel trying not to be sad about the past that never was or worry about the future that may never be. Live in the moment.


For my part, I have been around the frickin' world, I have fucked on 5 continents and every so often I do get hit by love... you know, that sensation as you carelessly step onto a level crossing one sunny afternoon and get hit by a fucking freight train. That kind of feeling. And the really weird thing is, I had to go all the way around the world to discover that what I had been after was right here all along.
 

Phil Ayesho

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"Now for you and it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last;
And while the Future is there for anyone to change, still y'know it seems,
it would be easier, sometimes, to change the past."

Jackson Browne
Fountain of Sorrow.
 
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wallyj84

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With respect, that's a rather romantic "happily ever after" with someone you (kinda?) knew briefly some time ago.

Can you be so sure that she was "the one", or that "the one" hasn't yet bumped into you? This is all, however, just speculation.

I will just point out a common human trait that might be termed "the other man's grass is always greener". We seem to be programmed to want what the other has got, overlooking the problems in their set up and forgetting what we ourselves have. It's natural, to an extent, but unhelpful.

The logic of your argument is that it makes sense to be with someone, for most people, it just has certain benefits - I'll scratch you back if you scratch mine kinda thing. But it's not for everyone.

I would counsel trying not to be sad about the past that never was or worry about the future that may never be. Live in the moment.


For my part, I have been around the frickin' world, I have fucked on 5 continents and every so often I do get hit by love... you know, that sensation as you carelessly step onto a level crossing one sunny afternoon and get hit by a fucking freight train. That kind of feeling. And the really weird thing is, I had to go all the way around the world to discover that what I had been after was right here all along.

You're very right. I know it is just a silly fantasy, but it is fun to look back in the past.
 

bigbull29

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In the end, all you have is your mind. You take no one with you in death. It will be just you in the middle of the ocean. No matter how much we love someone, or how much that person loves us -- this will never make us complete, or forever happy.

A famous Buddhist monk once said: Learn to make best friends with yourself, as, in the end, you are all you have.

It is ultimately your mind -- not the external world - that will bring you to happiness.

Now, is it wrong to fall in love? Hardly. Is it wrong for someone to deeply love you? Hardly. But it won't be forever. All things shall pass. All reality is impermanent. Real love lets go; real love is not attachment. Again, all you have is you.

Singlehood vs marriage -- it won't matter in the end. It's all irrevelant. It's all empty of inherent existence.

I wish you much success in taking care of your mother. She needs you. Be there for her now. Make the sacrifice. Be moral for moral's sake.


Take good care.
 
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sizehungry

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Don't know what to say to you , Wally , except to wish you well with your Mum . I have missed many opportunities in my life , Women , jobs , etc , etc . , and I keep looking back to my first real love , whom , 40 years on , I still think about , pretty much every day . When I think about her , I hope that she has children who love her , and who will care for her when she is old and frail . As my time draws closer , I do on occasion , regret having been single for so long , but I draw comfort from the fact , that my friends are fine human beings , and that they " have my back" . Best wishes to you .
 

Mike hung

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I don't know what to say regarding being single, I'm in my forties now and married to a wonderful woman and I would hope that'll be it for me now and we'll be together for the rest of our days.
When you speak of missed opportunities sure I can think of a few from my past, with myself though I've always been socially extrovert and outgoing. I've always found it easy to pick up women so to speak in that I've never really had to make much of an effort at all, they've always come to me in a way. I started exploring other sexual activities right from a young adult getting involved with older couples and becoming part of the swing scene which in a way satisfied a lot of sexual desires back then and in my personal life I did a hell of a lot of partying, my life was pretty damn hectic to be honest, either studying, pursuing my career, fucking with couples etc or partying but I still somehow managed to fit in personal relationships which when I look back often suffered as I prioritised everything else. Going out enjoying myself was a huge part of my personal life and I've been through many women as a result and often my choice, just picking up women for one nighters even if they wanted to take it further I didn't back in the day. As a result I have kids coming out of my ears, I've been married and divorced several times, I've had opportunities with some absolutely stunning women which a few I can think of I turned down to go out with the lads and I guess that was partly because I knew if I wanted sex it wasn't an issue. I can think of women back in the day who were so into me but I just couldn't be bothered to make time for which I wonder what would have been if I had, anyway it's all in the past and is what it is. Maybe it was meant to be as I'm now married to a beautiful like minded woman and I can't imagine being any more perfectly matched, I guess I should give her a mention incase she reads this @Holly Doors and may it continue.
If you feel you would like some company then maybe you should think about a serious relationship bruh, it can take time to find the right one man!
 

hzs3fg

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Looking back on a long life, I realize there were many times in my teens and twenties when women tried to "get to know me better" (in one way or another) and I failed to pick up on it due to my miserable sense of self-worth and lack of confidence.

I missed out on a lot of good times. I blame it mostly on one of my older brothers who bullied me mercilessly from the day I was born until I finally cut ties with much of my family when I was in my mid-thirties.
 

marriedasian

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i think the only reason we can look back and kinda "regret" our missed opportunities is that now we are older, wiser, and more conscience to what life really is and what we missed. during those "missed opportunities", we were too young and dumb to do anything about it (let alone recognize those opportunities) so let those by-gones be by-gones and look forward. remember that we learn from our mistakes and grow from the choices we make from those mistakes.

in short, learn from your past and apply those lessons to today. dwelling on the past only stalls your forward-progress today and holds you back. life is too short and time waits for no one.
 

lbj15

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I probably have something approaching but not quite at mild autism. I've never been very good at reading women's cues, though I've learned over time. My senior year of high school -- TO EMPHASIZE WE WERE BOTH 18 -- I had a crush on a cheerleader who was light years out of my league, built like Alexandra Daddario . . . anyway . . . We somehow got to be very good friends, and would spend hours talking. One evening, we were at a party and a bit tipsy, and afterwards she drove out to a deserted area spot at the local lake. She turned off the car, and her lights. After a while, she lay over and put her head in my lap. I . . . rubbed her back. After about ten minutes, she turned the car back on and drove me home.

So yeah, I think about that one from time-to-time with regret.