Missing a sex life I never had

PunhetaNow

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I am a 31 year old gay man that came out of the closet 3 years ago. Due to my strict religious upbringing, I never allowed myself to experiment/ do much with other guys my whole life. I’m not only talking about wild sex, but simple things like flirting/ exchanging looks that sort of thing.

At the same time I was fully accepting myself and getting ready to come out, I met my partner. Everything happened so quickly and I’m thankful for having met him. I love him so much and we have been building a life together since then. He’s been my only relationship EVER.

That’s where my drama starts. All my other gay friends seem to live/have lived intense lives in their discovery period, meeting (and experimenting) with all sorts of guys. I hate to admit that, but it’s almost as if I miss something I could never have ( a hoe phase, as some would say?). I would never exchange what I have now for a fling, but I’m being consumed with curiosity and desire for trying different things (and people ). I would never want to hurt my partner and I’m not sure how to open up to him about this.

he would never want an open relationship, and as much as I wanted to just move on with it and be thankful for what I have, my head can’t stop imagining how my life would’ve been like if I had allowed myself to have had experiences before starting a serious relationship.

sorry for dumping all this. Maybe someone can resonate with my story and give me some advice…
 

dreamer20

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I suggest you experiment and try different things first with your partner. Communicate with each other. Find out what you both like and dislike with regard to sex. Don't regret what you didn't do in the past. You can still do whatever you want in the future, including finding someone who would be happy with an open relationship. Farewell.
 

PunhetaNow

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I suggest you experiment and try different things first with your partner. Communicate with each other. Find out what you both like and dislike with regard to sex. Don't regret what you didn't do in the past. You can still do whatever you want in the future, including finding someone who would be happy with an open relationship. Farewell.
Thanks! I think we have very different needs and drives. We have spoken about it. I just don’t know what else to try between us two… he is okay with very little or no sex, so it’s kinda complicated…
 

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You seem about as conflicted as could be. I see more and more of this lately with people essentially wishing they were porn stars and be with slews of men to make up for "lost time".

First off, your comment of all of your friends experimenting when you weren't is merely perception on your part, and not real. I "kept it real" for WAY too long, realizing most all of my "friends" were bragging about sex lives that weren't even real. I didn't lose my virginity until my 40s.

You mention you are happy with what you have, and know your partner well enough to know what doesn't interest him - being with others, too. You can be with others like you desire regardless of your partner's wants and have a messy, messy break-up, or be glad you're in a solid relationship, and ONLY move on from him if he's unwilling to mix it up a bit so he can meet your needs of wanting things to not be so mundane - that does not have to be sex with others.

An idea would be to simply have someone (or more) watch the two of you together. The thrill of being seen while technically not being disloyal to your partner just MIGHT be a stepping stone to your partner being willing to try something new.
 

Andrej_u

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Thanks! I think we have very different needs and drives. We have spoken about it. I just don’t know what else to try between us two… he is okay with very little or no sex, so it’s kinda complicated…
Reading your post, I think the main thing here is that you have a different sex drive compared to your partner.
Having said this, I felt the same in my 1st relationship. I was 21, I entered a relationship with a guy I loved, but I felt that I hadn't had enough fun before that. He was also quite insecure.
I won't lie: when we broke up 4 years later (for a plethora of other reasons), I did feel very "free" and relieved that I could have a lot of sex.

I went on to understand that I am not monogamous, and that's another story and part of the explanation. I think that the majority of people start looking around when they're not satisfied with their current sexual life (again, not valid for me: I was looking around even at the very beginning of my relationship, when I was madly in love!).

My advice would be to really try and make your sex life work with your partner. But to do that, you both need honesty. A big effort from both sides in order to not get "offended" for what the other part says, ever. Sit down and throw everything on the table from both sides: share fantasies, kinks, things that are attractive and things that are not. Attitudes, things that put you in the mood, and so on.

Many times your sex life can improve a lot, just by realising for example that A likes spontaneous sex while B prefers to plan some time, or B tends to not suck A's dick because A tends to not be very careful in his hygiene routine, while B feels bad telling A about it, and A gets offended instead of understanding.
 

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I don't mean to sound harsh or negative, but if you are having these desires there will most likely come the time when you will explore them, regardless of your partner. In my entire life I have never experienced a desire stronger than sexual desire. I hope you love your partner enough to stay with him forever, but truly, if you 've never explored other "fish in the sea" you are depriving yourself in a big way.

Best of luck my friend.
 

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Reading your post, I think the main thing here is that you have a different sex drive compared to your partner.
Having said this, I felt the same in my 1st relationship. I was 21, I entered a relationship with a guy I loved, but I felt that I hadn't had enough fun before that. He was also quite insecure.
I won't lie: when we broke up 4 years later (for a plethora of other reasons), I did feel very "free" and relieved that I could have a lot of sex.

I went on to understand that I am not monogamous, and that's another story and part of the explanation. I think that the majority of people start looking around when they're not satisfied with their current sexual life (again, not valid for me: I was looking around even at the very beginning of my relationship, when I was madly in love!).

My advice would be to really try and make your sex life work with your partner. But to do that, you both need honesty. A big effort from both sides in order to not get "offended" for what the other part says, ever. Sit down and throw everything on the table from both sides: share fantasies, kinks, things that are attractive and things that are not. Attitudes, things that put you in the mood, and so on.

Many times your sex life can improve a lot, just by realising for example that A likes spontaneous sex while B prefers to plan some time, or B tends to not suck A's dick because A tends to not be very careful in his hygiene routine, while B feels bad telling A about it, and A gets offended instead of understa

Reading your post, I think the main thing here is that you have a different sex drive compared to your partner.
Having said this, I felt the same in my 1st relationship. I was 21, I entered a relationship with a guy I loved, but I felt that I hadn't had enough fun before that. He was also quite insecure.
I won't lie: when we broke up 4 years later (for a plethora of other reasons), I did feel very "free" and relieved that I could have a lot of sex.

I went on to understand that I am not monogamous, and that's another story and part of the explanation. I think that the majority of people start looking around when they're not satisfied with their current sexual life (again, not valid for me: I was looking around even at the very beginning of my relationship, when I was madly in love!).

My advice would be to really try and make your sex life work with your partner. But to do that, you both need honesty. A big effort from both sides in order to not get "offended" for what the other part says, ever. Sit down and throw everything on the table from both sides: share fantasies, kinks, things that are attractive and things that are not. Attitudes, things that put you in the mood, and so on.

Many times your sex life can improve a lot, just by realising for example that A likes spontaneous sex while B prefers to plan some time, or B tends to not suck A's dick because A tends to not be very careful in his hygiene routine, while B feels bad telling A about it, and A gets offended instead of understanding.
Thank you! That was a good read. I guess I am also a bit insecure on how he’s going to take that conversation about my needs if I am completely honest.
 

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I am a 31 year old gay man that came out of the closet 3 years ago. Due to my strict religious upbringing, I never allowed myself to experiment/ do much with other guys my whole life. I’m not only talking about wild sex, but simple things like flirting/ exchanging looks that sort of thing.

At the same time I was fully accepting myself and getting ready to come out, I met my partner. Everything happened so quickly and I’m thankful for having met him. I love him so much and we have been building a life together since then. He’s been my only relationship EVER.

That’s where my drama starts. All my other gay friends seem to live/have lived intense lives in their discovery period, meeting (and experimenting) with all sorts of guys. I hate to admit that, but it’s almost as if I miss something I could never have ( a hoe phase, as some would say?). I would never exchange what I have now for a fling, but I’m being consumed with curiosity and desire for trying different things (and people ). I would never want to hurt my partner and I’m not sure how to open up to him about this.

he would never want an open relationship, and as much as I wanted to just move on with it and be thankful for what I have, my head can’t stop imagining how my life would’ve been like if I had allowed myself to have had experiences before starting a serious relationship.

sorry for dumping all this. Maybe someone can resonate with my story and give me some advice…

Elton John lost his virginity when he was 23, He hadnt ever even fooled around before that. His husband was in the closet til he was in his late 20s and then met Elton at 31 and Elton was his first big relationship.
 

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Tell you what, removing the many friends situation and the out the closet (I am not) part, I am in the same... or almost the same situation as you but with a serious friend with benefits. He knows my sexual desires and once suggested me going elsewhere for relief. He could happily go a month without sex. I'm a twice a day cummer, at least.

I understand your frustration but the best way is to talk.... just talk, be honest. There's no better way than to be friends with your partner. In my situation, the dynamic varies. Sometimes he feels cool about me going out, sometimes not so much. He wouldn't want to know the details as much as I would love to share them but, at the end, it's better to be clean and clear about it so that there are no surprises. I obviously take care of myself and try my best to reduce risks with STI's etc.

The worst part of a relationship is when you can't even be yourself with the person you're supposed to be yourself.
 
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Keep in mind that fantasies are often only that, and don't really get fulfilled, even when one is free to pursue them. It's not like life will just hand you whatever you desire on a silver platter. The porn star lifestyle fantasy works out for some, but for most it won't. Most men are not as sexually alluring or vivacious as a porn star, and so naturally we aren't able to have that lifestyle, even if we want to. Unfortunately, those who cling to this fantasy will live forever longing for something they can never have, and will constantly struggle with being unhappy because of their deprivation. Think on that before you determine whether you're willing to jeopardize actually having a relationship already which makes you happy.
 

PunhetaNow

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I don’t think I desire what I see in porn. Honestly it’s just that rush of excitement of doing something for the first time with someone new. Before meeting my partner, I only had one light experience of hooking up with a stranger and I feel bad to say that but I really miss that feeling. And the thought: wow I’ll never get to feel that again consumes me even though I’m pretty happy with my partner. I know it sounds like “I want what I can’t have” but I get extremely sad/bitter over the fact that I could have had that in the past and I just skipped it all…
 

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It's possible that you just aren't a monogamous relationship type of person. You certainly wouldn't be the first gay man in that boat.

The reason why many gay men are in open relationships or single is because they enjoy the chase of random sex more than being in a monogamous relationship.

But if you are a monogamous relationship person and this is just a grass is greener situation, you have to be aware that you may never find someone else who is compatible, let alone wanting to be monogamous with you because as you get older, all the monogamous guys are locked in until someone dies and the only ones left are the people who aren't relationship material.

So you may not see it this way but you are actually luckier than you think to have what you have got.
 
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ASK JEFF

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An analogy:
When it come to coming out (I prefer coming IN!, but that neither here nor there) with ourselves and live our lives honestly, the first refreshing thing is going out to test drive a new vehicle. We like it so much that we just have to buy it. We didn’t test drive any other vehicles because, man, this one is the first, the last, the best and the shiniest vehicle that will ever be…your over-dopamined brain Is screaming inside of you. He IS the best too. For the moment. Then you see other vehicles. That red corvette looks HOT and looks like it could break you in two if you sat in it, a feeling that leaves you yearning to find out. What does it feel like? What is the interior like? How does the leather feel when you touch it? You trade the new car in and upgrade. You see the corvett you want, slide inside it, and yes…It’s fucking everything! Perfect handing, drags low on the ground, makes you wanna cry for your mama as you take it to 120 MPH on a slick turn. YES! THIS IS THE ONE!…. Oh, look… I like the Range Rover over there. It looks…well, beefy and so, so very masculine. It’s built and looks like it could plow through a steel wall with one big push that’ll make you eyes bug the fuck OUT!

Okay, enough Of my bullshit. You get the picture.

It sounds like you current boyfriend is a nice guy, and you don’t want to hurt him. Understandable and very kind of you. However, with just coming out, you got these urges and wants and “I wonder what he can do…?” feeling. All completely normal.

Choices:
1) Talk with your current BF. Explain without bring him up. He has nothing to do with how you feel. These are you hormones and other chemicals reacting in you body. The sense of freedom…with one catch. a difficult one.
2) If you feel you want to explore these feelings, bravely and kindly break up. Go explore. Have fun. TRUST your instincts.

TRUST YOUR HEART. Your brain is going to test you constantly with “I wonder how he fucks?”, “Damn, looooook at that fucker!!!”, etc. And some things are just thoughts. That’s all. Thoughts pass. Love lasts.

YOU are FREE. FREE a to be yourself and make GOOD CHOICES in life.

kisses on all your pink parts ❤️
JEFF
 
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Divine369

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I am a 31 year old gay man that came out of the closet 3 years ago. Due to my strict religious upbringing, I never allowed myself to experiment/ do much with other guys my whole life. I’m not only talking about wild sex, but simple things like flirting/ exchanging looks that sort of thing.

At the same time I was fully accepting myself and getting ready to come out, I met my partner. Everything happened so quickly and I’m thankful for having met him. I love him so much and we have been building a life together since then. He’s been my only relationship EVER.

That’s where my drama starts. All my other gay friends seem to live/have lived intense lives in their discovery period, meeting (and experimenting) with all sorts of guys. I hate to admit that, but it’s almost as if I miss something I could never have ( a hoe phase, as some would say?). I would never exchange what I have now for a fling, but I’m being consumed with curiosity and desire for trying different things (and people ). I would never want to hurt my partner and I’m not sure how to open up to him about this.

he would never want an open relationship, and as much as I wanted to just move on with it and be thankful for what I have, my head can’t stop imagining how my life would’ve been like if I had allowed myself to have had experiences before starting a serious relationship.

sorry for dumping all this. Maybe someone can resonate with my story and give me some advice…
The only thing you have truly missed is a lot of adrenaline from first encounter, but that's not healthy from physiological perspective. Burns your adrenal glands too quickly and at the end you just get permanent fatigue.
I am 41 at the moment. Did my "slut phase" because i followed stereotypical assumption that if you want to be a proper man you have to have fucked with other people like tousand times and have to have tried all that is out there. I tried and yes maybe i had sex with other 100 humans in general but it made me only more and more confused and lost. At some point i did not understand what is fine anymore and so to speak normal.
I do not regret that i have this experience, but often wish i would have followed my own inner self.
Most for myself was experimentation with myself and my body which was most important. And it opened myself to some extent that i do like and love myself, but that's mental issue and is not much related to sex with others.
At the end i realised i like casual simple sex - touching, kissing and mostly missionary does the job the best.
I would suggest to you ask yourself a question "Where does this come from? Is it mine desire or am i buying into stereotypes of society?" And listen yourself with calmness. Your body will give you honest answer. If you get "Yes" then ask "Why do i need this? Is this going benefit me in long term? etc."
And definitely talk to your partner, because if you do not talk with him you are going to torture yourself and thereby harm yourself mentally and emotionally. And who knows he might be up to some new experiences as well.

And keep on mind that life truly starts after 40. Till then it's just about gathering experience. So you actually haven't missed anything. Consider yourself lucky and fortunate. You are not spoiled with many layers of other people influences and projections on you.

Try to find this book i have attached photo "Multi orgasmic man". It is amazing book about male's body and it's ways to function and it truly opens you up to yourself. After reading it i realised that i only need one partner, because ways to explore one human being is endless. There is not enough time in one lifetime.
 

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