Mixed messages but what is the truth?

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17266

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So there is this girl that I am really good friends with. We used to sit opposite each other at work for a number of years but she left about 18 months ago. She still works close by so we often meet up and go out. Hardly a day goes by where we aren’t on email or text. There has always been an undercurrent that something could happen between us but the timing has never been right – first I was seeing someone long-term and she has been seeing someone for the last four years.

My problem is that she keeps giving me mixed messages. For example, she said that if I ever got married she wouldn’t want to come because she feels like ‘there is unfinished business between us.’ On another occasion, when she had had a few drinks, she sent me an email asking why I didn’t try to ‘get’ her when I have been single (I hadn’t because she has been with someone else throughout that whole time). My problem is that after moments like this she will always say things like “don’t take what I was saying seriously”, “I just like annoying you” and “I worry that what I said might make you think I want something with you but I don’t”.

Part of me thinks she is just not happy in her relationship and because I am the nearest available male she is kind of latching onto me but there is a lot of history there as well. The fact that I’m getting these mixed messages means it is in my head a lot.

Any advice?
 

AnonForever

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I'll be straight up honest. If you pursue this and she really is just teasing you, things may change between you. Sometimes it may be better to just let her be a friend because then she'll anyways be there for you in the future. Although, some of the stuff you say she said is a bit odd. Maybe casually talk about it and court the idea with her?
 

RubyRed11

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Agreed. It's just attention seeking behavior not a real offer.
Next time she tells you, “I just like annoying you”, tell her that it is in fact annoying.

I agree. Things like this always look much better from a distance than smack in the middle of it. The flirtation is fun. That's what it all boils down to. If you pursue it to another level, it's gone.
 

zpstackz

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I agree with RubyRed11:
I don't think the odds are in your favor in pursuing this. She is playing games and intentionally annoying you (?) She needs to grow up.

Thanks for the post.
 

Phil Ayesho

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She digs you. She is afraid of ruining it because once the clothes come off there's no going back to friends.

At the same time, she 'thinks' you dig her... and yet you are not doing the things that would convince her that romance would be worth the risk.


A woman wants to see that she moves you... wants to see that you desire her enough to take the risk of rejection, and wants to see that you are the kind of man who goes after what he wants.

Your behavior has her confused... you respect her... which she is drawn to... but whenever she was "semi-available" you have Not taken any direct action... and so she feels she doesn't do it for you... or perhaps doubts that you have the ambition and drive to directly go after what you want in life ( a predictor not just of success in romance, but in career )

At this point it may be too late... even if you went after her she might respond that it was too little too late.

The difference between men who are successful at getting the women they desire and those who are not primarily boils down to timing.

The successful men recognize that a woman offers a very narrow window... and they have to make their move at the right time...

hesitation and delay and uncertainty are the things that kill most men's chances.
 

D_Anne_T_Freeze

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She sounds like a pain in the ass. Game player and not very good at it. If you got with her a can promise yu she'll be pulling this same shit with someone else. Too much hassle. Ditch her.
 

theknob8

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Why go after this chick. She's confusing and in a relationship. which means if you guys ever got in a relationship she might do the same thing with another guy.

Funny to me how some guys will always just assume the man she is with just isn't pleasing her, and that you will please her and she will end up being faithful to you.

More times than not, the girl/guy who cheats is just insecure, selfish, and it has nothing to do with being unhappy in the relationship they are in. Some people just want to cheat.

I'm off topic though. Unless this girl is really attractive to you, I wouldn't go for it. She seems like she just wants attention.
 

Stephenmass

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I am like the OP though myself. Even if I were available at different times through the friendship (single) and I knew she was in a relationship, I respect the relationship. So I agree 100% with the OP on that count.

At the same time, I can't stand game playing. Her statements as said by the OP in his opening post are not really confusing, they are simply her playing games. Even though she is in a relationship, she enjoys being wanted by others. Well, we all are like that to a point and as long as we are not playing games I guess it's all good.

It's apparent that you like her. Do you like her enough say if you were to get her, for her to play the "mind fucks" with other people? I'm not. She would be history.

It's all in what you want. Keep the friendship if you want as the two of you seem to get along well. And I'd tell her politely that while you enjoy the friendship immensely, you do NOT want to hear about her love life and how you don't like when she says things like that. Yes it annoys you. Of course. But she needs to know to back off or she will continue to annoy you.
 

Snozzle

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Agreed. It's just attention seeking behavior not a real offer.
She likes the idea of you wanting her more than the idea of you getting her, so she's going to keep it in the first condition for as long as possible, forever if she can.
Next time she tells you, “I just like annoying you”, tell her that it is in fact annoying.
Agreed.
 

DavidXL

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If you like her and want to be with her and have a relationship with her, go for it. She's been pretty direct it seems to me. I wouldn't necessarily chalk the mixed messages up to game playing. It sounds like she is just trying to protect herself. She has put it out there that she likes you and is interested. You haven't responded in kind, so she is trying to protect herself, which is natural. It is not an insignificant gesture to put your heart on the line and make yourself vulnerable. (How many threads are there on this board in which the poster is handwringing over how to tell someone, usually a good friend, that they like them and what happens if the other person says no and the friendship has been jeopardized?).

So, if you want her, go for it. Don't worry about the boy friend. It's not the same thing as a husband. If she were truly interested in him, she wouldn't be talking to you like this (I'd be irritated and concerned if a girlfriend of mine talked to another guy like this and kept meeting up to canoodle).

Additionally, don't worry about jeopardizing your friendship, because these types of friendships don't last, at least not in their current form. I have had plenty of relationships like that. What will happen is that you both will cut the BS and go out. Or else she'll get a boyfriend she really likes, and she won't need to (or want to) look for affection elsewhere. Or else you will get a new girlfriend, your friend will have hard feelings, and your friendship will implode.

I had a friendship like that once with this very attractive blonde woman from work. We went to lunch a lot, had an instant connection, and there was a lot of unacted-upon sexual tension (because I was very wary about getting involved with someone at work). Finally, I knew it was inevitable, and I went for it. Been married to her for over 10 years . . . .

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
 
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17266

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Thanks everyone for all the comments and advice, I really appreciate it.

Being immature and needing to grow up were certainly comments that were levied at her by one or two of our co-workers (when she was there). I thought she had started to do that but clearly there is someway to go.

I'd still like to have her around as a friend at least but the next time she brings anything of this nature up I'll just shut that conversation down straight away. I've got better things to do than get mind-fucked once a month.

DavidXL I appreciate what you are saying a lot as well though and glad to hear it worked out for you.
 

rbkwp

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Part of me thinks she is just not happy in her relationship and because I am the nearest available male she is kind of latching onto me but there is a lot of history there as well. The fact that I’m getting these mixed messages means it is in my head a lot.

Any advice?





Think
if i was in your shoes, i would basically steer clear of her in the sexual way.
Talk straight up with her to establish exactly what sort of relatiosnhip she wants,
Have sex if thats a part of it, i think after she has experienced you, she may well drop you anyway, teasing etc taken into account,attempt to maintain a friendship etc altho it sounds as tho that is your friendship with her,and may always be so, in which case, live with it and LPSG place her on ignore, with all the teasing mixed messages CRAP!

How m/imature is this Chick anyway???
naaah i dont want to know tbh


sorry
posted an hour after i saw your response, but wont delete as it sort of sums up what you have decided anyway ha

Cheers to you for your decision OP!
 
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17266

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So one year on I thought I'd update this little saga.

Shortly after these last messages she admitted that she liked me and that things were essentially over with her boyfriend. However, they did not break up for several further months.

Subsequent to her telling me this and prior to splitting with her boyfriend, she and I messaged a lot more and met up a lot more but always kept it above board because of her relationship, failing or otherwise. I have to admit that I was really into her but as the months dragged on and despite her relationship continuing she started to demand things of me like deleting other girls (just friends) from Facebook or if I didn’t reply to a text within a few minutes she would be asking if I wasn’t replying because I was annoyed with her and then when I did reply why I was being so terse with her. It got to the point where whatever reply I gave her would spark a stream of questioning and to me not wanting to pursue a relationship with her. This also effectively ended our friendship, which is the saddest part really.

I think the original analysis by several posters that she was a game player was an accurate one and that she really just wanted attention whether it be from her now ex-boyfriend, me or any other available guy.

I do feel that I'm better off out of it but at the same time I'm sad at the loss of her friendship.