Mixed orientation and monogamy

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Drifterwood, Feb 1, 2012.

  1. Drifterwood

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    Rather than hijack Alpha's thread on why gay men get married, I have started this thread on the specific issue of being monogamous if you are not substantially sexually oriented one way or the other.

    This question is for women as much as for men.

    I have had a bisexual lover and I had no problem with her having a girlfriend as I saw it as two sides of the same coin. I am sure that other people would not see it like this particularly if they hold to traditional marriage concepts.

    So, if you have split percentage orientation, do you expect to be monogamous or if your partner has split percentages, do you expect them to be monogamous?
     
  2. poultrygeist

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    Right now my wife and I are monogamous. We have discussed getting boyfriends and girlfriends many times and if the situation presents itself, we may choose to give it a go. After all, this is biology that drives the urges so there's things I can't give her that she wants, and vice versa. So it will depend on what comes our way. We're not actively looking however.
     
  3. D_Fiona_Farvel

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    Is it possible to include a link to the post or thread?

    If I met someone who was also 50/50+ (60/40, 70/30, 80/20, 90/10), in whatever configuration, and we felt compelled to enter a monogamous relationship - later, we could certainly negotiate new terms, but it could not be one-sided.

    If the individual was not communicative about his/her needs or respectful of the primary relationship, there would be no pass or out, except for exiting the relationship.
     
  4. Drifterwood

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  5. dolfette

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    bisexuality is no excuse for cheating.
    straight or gay, you either agree the terms of extra curricular sex with your partner or you're nowt but a cheat.
    if you're straight there is still always temptation, different body types, chemistry. being bi doesn't make it any easier or harder.

    using bisexuality as an excuse is on a par with ''my wife doesn't understand me'' or ''i just needed to feel attractive again''.
     
  6. Fade

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    I expect a partner to be as monogamous or non-monogamous as WE have agreed upon. Y'know, after discussion. Just because I'm not heterosexual or gay/lesbian doesn't mean I would seek anything outside of a relationship without prior approval from my partner.
     
  7. sykray

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    As others have indicated already - it depends on a couple agreeing what the expectations and "rules" are when they make their commitment to one another. These can be renegotiated if necessary later - before one or other breaks the agreement.
     
  8. Drifterwood

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    I had thought about this and I am not sure that I agree. Is more of the same thing the same as some of something different?
     
  9. B_Nick8

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    Cheating is cheating to me, if those are the rules in any given relationship. It's as though a man's primary "type" is big busted blondes but he falls in love with and marries a small busted brunette. He may have strong urges when he sees a bbb, but if he's committed to his wife, he won't act on them.

    Of course if the rules are renegotiated and agreed upon between the parties, it's no longer cheating.
     
  10. D_Jacqueline_Boozann

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    ..and all the church said, "Amen." People, people, people. Most people married in a Church or a civil ceremony....didn't you swear before God, family, friends, and all the assembly people you would remain faithful? If those weren't your intentions, you had no business, marrying. This is why I'm a confirmed bachelorette. If I did marry, I would ocassionally look at the marriage license...oh, we forgot that, didn't we?

    You have a license; it's a contract -- which should not ever be broken. Now, single people are different; they are fornicators in the eyes of The Bible and The Church (that's a different time for another discussion -- whether or not you agree.) Oh, they'll get their flashback, too: they're not off the hook!!

    So, adulturers, beware. You may get caught...some wouldn't mind, though. But payback and karma are a bitch. Be careful who you mess over; death has a way of reliving those painful, sinful moments in flashbacks.
     
    #10 D_Jacqueline_Boozann, Feb 1, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2012
  11. D_Jacqueline_Boozann

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    ...even if one agrees in a relationship to have outside partners, if married, in my opinion -- it's still cheating. Look it up in a dictionary. Ask a licensed minister/priest, or just use your common sense.

    Any act outside a marriage is cheating, agreed upon or not, you're just not as liable as if he didn't know about it.
     
  12. rtg

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    Yeah, I think cheating is cheating...it's all black and white. In fact, I would probably be a lot more upset if my bf was seeing a dude behind my back...merely because he says he is 110% straight.

    And I'm much too jealous to share, I could never agree to an 'open relationship'.

    It's actually funny, cos I had the conversation with him a little while ago where I said 'If I hooked up with a chick, would you consider it cheating'. He said no...but only cos I think he would want to be involved in the action and guys love the fantasy of girl-on-girl. I then asked him if anything emotional was involved with a chick, would he still not consider it cheating? He had a different opinion on this and said 'yes, it would be cheating'.
     
  13. Hoss

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    Each relationship I enter is different. We talk it through with me letting them know up front that I am easily sexual with both men and women and even with groups. Equally I am able to stay in a monogamous relationship with just the 1 person. I've been in both situations and with both men and with women. I had a 7+ year relationship with a woman and it was completely monogamous, I didn't do anything with another man or with another woman in those years. I take each relationship as it happens. If I have a sincere love for them I won't have a strong urge to go looking elsewhere. If we set up an open sex relationship then I might be with others but even then I usually try to talk it over first and all but 1 time have told them afterwards.
     
  14. Phil Ayesho

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    If fidelity matters, then it matters. And being faithful as a bisexual person is no different than being faithful as a straight or gay person. You don't get a pass because your being unfaithful with the opposite gender.

    the risk to your mate is still the same, both the health risk of STD, And the social risk that you may abandon them.

    Biology makes both women and men want to spread their reproductive bets, and that manifests as adultery... but unless you have a specific agreement to that effect, a responsible and honorable person fights those urges, just as you fight the urge to eat a bucket of ice cream.

    And even if my mate was excited by the idea of bringing another man into our bed... I would be very reluctant to do so simply because I am aware enough to realize that fantasy scenarios seldom detail the long term effects of triangular attractions, personality mixes, and how tender every soul is to the touch.

    I have never heard of such things working out, long term... not to say that it isn't possible... but as with the lottery, sure one in 13 million folks wins....
    You want to play those odds with your love? with your Life?
     
  15. molotovmuffin

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    You'd of had better luck saying "It's the same only different." Which is still wrong.

    I totally agree with all this.
     
  16. Drifterwood

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    It never crossed my mind to have a threesome with my GF's GF, though she once tried to engineer a situation in which I would fuck her (without our GF's knowledge as far as I know) even though she was supposed to be lesbian.

    My view was and still would be to accept the desires of a partner that I just couldn't be involved in. That said, I have seen so much of human nature that consistently fails the attempt of monogamy that I don't now even try to have monogamous relationships. Though I would still distinguish between same orientation failure and not exactly same orientation failure.
     
  17. Countryguy63

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    "Cheat"
    1. to defraud; swindle: He cheated her out of her inheritance.
    2. to deceive; influence by fraud: He cheated us into believing him a hero.
    3. to elude; deprive of something expected: He cheated the law by suicide.
    4. to practice fraud or deceit: She cheats without regrets.
    5. to violate rules or regulations: He cheats at cards.
    6. to take an examination or test in a dishonest way, as by improper access to answers.

    If there is none of the above, it is not cheating!

    If, in a marriage and/or relationship, it is disucussed and agreed upon by both parties that either or both are free to seek other relationships, sexually or not, then one can hardly accuse them of cheating.

    If, it is understood that each will be the others "one and only", and either side deviates from that agreement, then it is cheating.

    It's so easy for others to condemn what they don't agree with, or understand.
     
  18. blazblue

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    Agreed. Cheating only happens if there's a legally binding contract (i.e. Marriage). If there's no contract involved then its not cheating.
     
  19. Fade

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    ..really? So even if you've been in a relationship for years and you have verbally discussed/agreed upon not seeing or sleeping with other people, and the person does, it's not cheating, because they don't have a piece of paper? :confused:

    I had discussed opening a monogamous relationship with my ex, and he declined. Then I found out he had been sneaking around on me and wasn't even using protection. That's cheating. And no, we weren't married. What really pissed me off, other than that he risked my own health, is that he did this after saying he didn't want to allow the possibility of him, or myself introducing anybody else into our relationship in any way shape or form.
     
    #19 Fade, Feb 1, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2012
  20. Countryguy63

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    I would even disagree with that. If that marriage contract does not include exclusive monogamy (forsaking all others), but an agreement, or guidelines that may or may not include outside involvement, then as long as those guidelines are followed, it's still not cheating.

    "Cheating" only occurs when rules or agreements are not respected.
     
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