Mixed orientation and monogamy

blazblue

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..really? So even if you've been in a relationship for years and you have verbally discussed/agreed upon not seeing or sleeping with other people, and the person does, it's not cheating, because they don't have a piece of paper? :confused:

Yes because I feel that no one should have any real ownership over the other when the only thing they're doing is dating. A boyfriend or a girlfriend is not the same as a husband or a wife.
 

rtg

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Yes because I feel that no one should have any real ownership over the other when the only thing they're doing is dating. A boyfriend or a girlfriend is not the same as a husband or a wife.

But a relationship is different than 'dating'...how would anyone get married in the first place if they didn't respect their partner to not sleep around when they were in a relationship?

It's nothing to do with 'ownership'. You still don't own the other person once you are married.

If people have such a perception during relationships, it's highly unlikely their views would change during marriage. You'd just find more loopholes to justify cheating.
 

blazblue

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But a relationship is different than 'dating'...how would anyone get married in the first place if they didn't respect their partner to not sleep around when they were in a relationship?

If you're not dating your boyfriend and not married to him, then what kind of relationship is it? Again a boyfriend is not the same as a husband.

And for the record, people are supposed to get married by seeing several people at once and not by seeing someone one at a time.
 
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Well I'm sure as fuck glad that I've never been in a relationship with someone who had the same outlook as some.. oh wait, that's right, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had that type of values. Ever.

If I'm just casually going on dates with someone, yeah, there's no form of commitment/formalized relationship. If I'm actually someone's significant other, it's a whole different thing. And a piece of paper and some different types of taxes doesn't change that. Being married doesn't give any implication of "ownership" either. A collar and a leash does :rolleyes:
 

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If you're not dating your boyfriend and not married to him, then what kind of relationship is it? Again a boyfriend is not the same as a husband.

And for the record, people are supposed to get married by seeing several people at once and not by seeing someone one at a time.

Wow, how immature....so are you just going to marry someone after going on one date with them? A boyfriend can be a life partner, who you then may become your husband.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper...it's a relationship, and before you get married you need to have a steady relationship with someone.

And what 'record' is that from? The Douche's Guide to Marriage?

Don't even know why I'm bothering. Good luck finding a wife with those values...

Well I'm sure as fuck glad that I've never been in a relationship with someone who had the same outlook as some.. oh wait, that's right, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had that type of values. Ever.

If I'm just casually going on dates with someone, yeah, there's no form of commitment/formalized relationship. If I'm actually someone's significant other, it's a whole different thing. And a piece of paper and some different types of taxes doesn't change that. Being married doesn't give any implication of "ownership" either. A collar and a leash does :rolleyes:
+1
 

Drifterwood

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I don't approach this as a cheating issue. I look at it in terms of accommodating a partner's orientation. I am prepared to do that and see it as strenghthening a relationship rather than harming it. I wouldn't want to be interested in someone who put their concepts above my nature.
 

blazblue

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Wow, how immature....so are you just going to marry someone after going on one date with them? A boyfriend can be a life partner, who you then may become your husband.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper...it's a relationship, and before you get married you need to have a steady relationship with someone.

And what 'record' is that from? The Douche's Guide to Marriage?

Don't even know why I'm bothering. Good luck finding a wife with those values...

NO!!! You've completely misunderstood what I meant. Dating does not end with the first person who has interest in us. You don't marry someone after one date. Having an open relationship while dating around allows you to make a more informed decision so that you'll know when your life partner comes along (i.e. marriage) instead of putting all of your eggs into one basket by seeing one person at a time.

But then again you wouldn't know about since you'd get jealous if you were in a open relationship with your bf even though you're not in a official relationship yet which is immature. But enough I'm done.

And before I go that 'record' is from here

DATING--Rules: how to and how not to - SexInfo101.com Forum

and here

Exclusivity vs. Dating Around - SexInfo101.com Forum
 
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helgaleena

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I had thought about this and I am not sure that I agree. Is more of the same thing the same as some of something different?

Monogamy and cheating are two different things. Monogamy is an agreement. Cheating is breaking an agreement. If you agree not to be monogamous, such as the example from your own life that you supplied, Drifter, then it isn't cheating. It's what you agreed.

If a couple isn't monogamous but they have both agreed not to be, it is not cheating.

Reading further in the thread, I think the signing of a piece of paper or not is secondary to the mutual mind-set of both parties; i.e. many formally married couples are comfortable having affairs and don't make a fuss about infidelity unless they are threatened in some other fashion.

When your girlfriend attempted to have sex with you behind her girlfriend's back, you were not cheating, but she was, because she was trying to conceal something about which she seemed ashamed. Why should she be ashamed of desiring you? That's slightly insulting, isn't it?
 
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Drifterwood

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If you think that sex is simply a sexual desire that can be controlled, then you are right Helga. I am thinking of the more complex needs associated with a mixed orientation.

It would also appear that a lot of people are not open, not least to themselves, about their orientation. Do the people here with mixed orientations tell their partners, or do you think it is OK not to mention it because it won't be an issue?
 

B_Nick8

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Monogamy and cheating are two different things. Monogamy is an agreement. Cheating is breaking an agreement. If you agree not to be monogamous, such as the example from your own life that you supplied, Drifter, then it isn't cheating. It's what you agreed.

If a couple isn't monogamous but they have both agreed not to be, it is not cheating.

Reading further in the thread, I think the signing of a piece of paper or not is secondary to the mutual mind-set of both parties; i.e. many formally married couples are comfortable having affairs and don't make a fuss about infidelity unless they are threatened in some other fashion.

My point exactly. Although I'd be disingenuous if I didn't also say that for me, in my life, only monogamy works. So take your cheatin' ass and relationship-external attractions someplace else.
 

helgaleena

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If you think that sex is simply a sexual desire that can be controlled, then you are right Helga. I am thinking of the more complex needs associated with a mixed orientation.

It would also appear that a lot of people are not open, not least to themselves, about their orientation. Do the people here with mixed orientations tell their partners, or do you think it is OK not to mention it because it won't be an issue?


It's not a matter of controlling one's desires so much as controlling one's way of living. How could one not mention a part of one's biological makeup and expect it not to be an issue? It's like saying, oh by the way, I am allergic to xyz, or, I'm diabetic, or I'm HIV+-- but it's probably not going to be an issue--???

Ignoring one's true nature is not fully possible. That includes sexual preferences. Anything like that is a submerged snag in the stream ahead, or if both are ignoring it, it's 'the elephant in the room'.
 

Drifterwood

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Are you saying that orientation is merely a preference as in the case quoted above regarding large breasts? I appreciate, as in my understanding of a hard core size queen, where preference becomes a need, that this can also happen, but I don't see it as the same with orientation which I do not see as either a preference or a simple sexual need.

And I don't think that people are open either about their preferences, needs or orientation, often for understandable reasons. I don't suppose you would advise anyone to say that your average cock is fine because I only prefer large ones, I don't need them.
 
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The Dragon

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Well I'm sure as fuck glad that I've never been in a relationship with someone who had the same outlook as some.. oh wait, that's right, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had that type of values. Ever.

If I'm just casually going on dates with someone, yeah, there's no form of commitment/formalized relationship. If I'm actually someone's significant other, it's a whole different thing. And a piece of paper and some different types of taxes doesn't change that. Being married doesn't give any implication of "ownership" either. A collar and a leash does :rolleyes:


Yes...this whole "ownership" thing stuck me wrong.

My ex-husband had this idea in his head and well it's a reason he's now a ex.

It's put me off conventional marriage for life.

Polyandry/Polyamory ...well that's a different story.
 

monel

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Yes...this whole "ownership" thing stuck me wrong.

My ex-husband had this idea in his head and well it's a reason he's now a ex.

It's put me off conventional marriage for life.

Polyandry/Polyamory ...well that's a different story.

I think I saw that film: "How to train your Dragon". Silly man, your ex. Didn't he know that was just a cartoon and in real life one can never own a Dragons.
 

The Dragon

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I think I saw that film: "How to train your Dragon". Silly man, your ex. Didn't he know that was just a cartoon and in real life one can never own a Dragons.


True.

I was faithful my whole marriage but I did become completely asexual for the last 2 years of my marriage.

Dragons don't adapt well to captivity.:tongue:
 

Drifterwood

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That is exactly the opposite of what I'm saying. Orientation has as much biological basis as being left-handed.

I find it hard to understand that orientation is not a need. If a GF told me she was oriented 20% to women, I would expect her to need to express that and I personally wouldn't have a problem. However I don't I don't think that my pov is the cultural standard, so I suspect that people would often ignore their elephant.
 

The Dragon

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I find it hard to understand that orientation is not a need. If a GF told me she was oriented 20% to women, I would expect her to need to express that and I personally wouldn't have a problem. However I don't I don't think that my pov is the cultural standard, so I suspect that people would often ignore their elephant.


In my experience men have less of an issue with their female partner declaring and interest in other women.