Modern Love

RyanKing

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I have had a dilemma recently and I need some objective advice:

I happened to have had a layover at an airport for two hours. I was on a dating app mindlessly swiping and I match with a guy named “Andrew” who lives near the airport. I strike up the courage to message him because I thought he was attractive and didn’t think anything of it since it was a layover and I thought there would be no chance us meeting. Andrew messages me back to my surprise. Since then we have hit it off.

Andrew and I have exchanged numbers and have texted every day for the past two months. We have shared intimate details (and maybe pics...) with each other about our lives to the point that we both know each other very well. We have chatted over the phone as well and hit it off. We have the same type of sarcastic humor that sometimes doesn’t translate well over phone, but it’s funny when he has to clear it up for me. He’s been that one person that I will say good morning and good night to and vice versa. We even agreed to a time for me to come visit him next month and I have already booked my refundable flight.

I get an ominous text while I was at work yesterday. Andrew tells me that his ex has moved in with him all of a sudden due to the recent Texas tornadoes and his ex became homeless as a result of it. He wanted to help his ex out, but this has brought back feelings for his ex and he’s having a hard time reconciling these feelings. Andrew said their relationship ended because they were at different paths in their lives at the time, but the feelings never fully disappeared. They kept in touch intermittently but didn’t see each other often.

I feel torn about what to do next. I told Andrew I appreciated his honesty. I support Andrew’s decision to be there for a friend in a time of need, but the history is there where they can rebuild the relationship However, he and I have made plans to see each other next month and he was really looking forward to it based on our strong attraction to each other. He’s having a hard time processing this. I feel like there has been a reason he has been texting me every day if he didn’t think it was worth pursuing, but me living in a different state is not convenient at the moment. I have told him I don’t judge him for what he does since we aren’t technically together and I don’t want to be insensitive to his ex’s housing situation. Should I step aside and let him figure it out with his ex or should I see where this goes with him and visit him despite the circumstances?
 

cherryboom66

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Firstly - amazing bush. Now down to business.... dead weight. Drop.

With dating apps, my Moto is, if you don’t meet within a week it’s not going to happen. This always tends to happen when you have some form of ‘relationship’ prior to meeting, too much pressure, it never happens.

Did you ask why and how the decision was made to move into his place? Does he not have family? Friends? It’s very strange, for me, to be in that situation to begin with.

If it is a real excuse, they will be shagging right now.

Swipe on fellow singleton, swipe on.
 

Countryguy63

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The different state thing is up to each individual. I've told my story so many times that there will be a collective groan from many here if I do it again :laughing:, so just a very short synopsis for you. Met my partner here on this board. I was in Calif, he was in Florida. On line relationship for 5 mos before we met. He came, visited for a week, 3 mos later I was flying to Florida to drive him back here. That was 10 years ago.

The question would be how much can you handle? Is it something that is going to increasingly be on your mind as time progresses. Also the reason of their relationship ending "at the time" leads me to believe if things were different they would still want to be together. Well, things are different now. If it's something that you need, can he honestly tell you that he has no desire to get back together with him. Unfortunately, from what you said, this doesn't sound like the case.

Were you planning on going there, or him coming to Calif? It's a risk, but you may want to follow through with your plans and see where it goes? The big plus for him in my eyes, is that he is a good enough man to be upfront and honest with you. Being in Tx, it would have been easier to hide it.

We can all offer advice, but remember it's going to come from our individual experiences and/or feelings. Only you can truly answer your own question. What are your boundaries? Do you feel it's worth the risk that he might get back together with his ex? Run through every scenario. If it's too hard for you to deal with, be upfront and honest with your feelings to him. From what you say, it seems like he will accept and understand them.

Good Luck, and keep us posted :)
 
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I have had a dilemma recently and I need some objective advice:

I happened to have had a layover at an airport for two hours. I was on a dating app mindlessly swiping and I match with a guy named “Andrew” who lives near the airport. I strike up the courage to message him because I thought he was attractive and didn’t think anything of it since it was a layover and I thought there would be no chance us meeting. Andrew messages me back to my surprise. Since then we have hit it off.

Andrew and I have exchanged numbers and have texted every day for the past two months. We have shared intimate details (and maybe pics...) with each other about our lives to the point that we both know each other very well. We have chatted over the phone as well and hit it off. We have the same type of sarcastic humor that sometimes doesn’t translate well over phone, but it’s funny when he has to clear it up for me. He’s been that one person that I will say good morning and good night to and vice versa. We even agreed to a time for me to come visit him next month and I have already booked my refundable flight.

I get an ominous text while I was at work yesterday. Andrew tells me that his ex has moved in with him all of a sudden due to the recent Texas tornadoes and his ex became homeless as a result of it. He wanted to help his ex out, but this has brought back feelings for his ex and he’s having a hard time reconciling these feelings. Andrew said their relationship ended because they were at different paths in their lives at the time, but the feelings never fully disappeared. They kept in touch intermittently but didn’t see each other often.

I feel torn about what to do next. I told Andrew I appreciated his honesty. I support Andrew’s decision to be there for a friend in a time of need, but the history is there where they can rebuild the relationship However, he and I have made plans to see each other next month and he was really looking forward to it based on our strong attraction to each other. He’s having a hard time processing this. I feel like there has been a reason he has been texting me every day if he didn’t think it was worth pursuing, but me living in a different state is not convenient at the moment. I have told him I don’t judge him for what he does since we aren’t technically together and I don’t want to be insensitive to his ex’s housing situation. Should I step aside and let him figure it out with his ex or should I see where this goes with him and visit him despite the circumstances?
Here’s thing I’ve learned about men and dating apps: sometimes the chat is what they’re after - the validation they’re looking for. I agree with @cherryboom66, if it was going to happen, you probably would have met, already. With that said, we have so little info to go on, so maybe there’s more to this that might suggest differently, but I would be opening myself to “other opportunities”, if I were you. (Even without the ex now moving back in which suggests he may be trying to tell you something, without having to actually say it.)
 

cherryboom66

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Here’s thing I’ve learned about men and dating apps: sometimes the chat is what they’re after - the validation they’re looking for. I agree with @cherryboom66, if it was going to happen, you probably would have met, already. With that said, we have so little info to go on, so maybe there’s more to this that might suggest differently, but I would be opening myself to “other opportunities”, if I were you. (Even without the ex now moving back in which suggests he may be trying to tell you something, without having to actually say it.)
Always have backup guys! Haha.
 

RyanKing

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Thanks for the responses everyone. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Andrew has struggled with this situation himself and I do feel he’s genuinely sorry for putting me in this position as it was so unexpected and sudden.

His ex does not have family in the area, and he decided to ask Andrew since he’s the type of guy
who would help out his friends that way. I have made peace with the fact that they probably have been intimate with each other since this transpired because it’s not my position to judge when we aren’t in a relationship. Because his ex is still staying at the house until further notice, he and I agreed it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me to visit. I have not suggested him to come out to Cali because I’m not sure how it would play out.

I have been chatting with other people on the dating app, have exchanged numbers and even gone out on dates, but there hasn’t been that initial “spark” or a natural conversation that I immediately got with Andrew. Dating in this age is so difficult.
 
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cherryboom66

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Thanks for the responses everyone. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Andrew has struggled with this situation himself and I do feel he’s genuinely sorry for putting me in this position as it was so unexpected and sudden.

His ex does not have family in the area, and he decided to ask Andrew since he’s the type of guy
who would help out his friends that way. I have made peace with the fact that they probably have been intimate with each other since this transpired because it’s not my position to judge when we aren’t in a relationship. Because his ex is still staying at the house until further notice, he and I agreed it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me to visit. I have not suggested him to come out to Cali because I’m not sure how it would play out.

I have been chatting with other people on the dating app, have exchanged numbers and even gone out on dates, but there hasn’t been that initial “spark” or a natural conversation that I immediately got with Andrew. Dating in this age is so difficult.
Oh god it’s so damn difficult, I can relate. no answers for you there!

Going back to “he always helps out his friends!” Exes are not friends. They are exes. The fact that HE was the one who reached out AND moved him in, biggest red flags going. Delete and block x
 

Countryguy63

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Oh god it’s so damn difficult, I can relate. no answers for you there!

Going back to “he always helps out his friends!” Exes are not friends. They are exes. The fact that HE was the one who reached out AND moved him in, biggest red flags going. Delete and block x

Here's another area that we disagree.

In my case, after my marriage of 12 years ended, I got involved with another lady and that lasted for about 3-4 years. We lived together for the last 2 years. It didn't work out (probably because looking back I can see that I got involved with somebody way too soon).

Anyway, the break up was unfortunately hard and messy, but after about 6 mos, she called me and apologized (she pulled some questionable stuff) and after some time, we developed a very close friendship to this day. I've helped her out several times since.

In fact, I'm friends with all of my ex's, except for my ex-wife, but that's a whole nuther story.

Given time, it's very possible to remain friends with ex's.
 
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cherryboom66

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Here's another area that we disagree.

In my case, after my marriage of 12 years ended, I got involved with another lady and that lasted for about 3-4 years. We lived together for the last 2 years. It didn't work out (probably because looking back I can see that I got involved with somebody way too soon).

Anyway, the break up was unfortunately hard and messy, but after about 6 mos, she called me and apologized (she pulled some questionable stuff) and after some time, we developed a very close friendship to this day. I've helped her out several times since.

In fact, I'm friends with all of my ex's, except for my ex-wife, but that's a whole nuther story.

Given time, it's very possible to remain friends with ex's.
Oh defo, it can work for some people. But your story is wayyyy different to the OPs, hence my comment.
 
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rtg

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Stop wasting your time on this guy. It’s not going to end well for you.

He was probably genuinely interested in you before his ex moved in. But his ex moving in resulted in a change of circumstance for him. He’s been honest with you about his feelings for his ex, take that for what it is (a red flag) and run.

He will likely keep using you for validation and a confidence boost. Especially if him and his ex get into an argument or don’t work out. You don’t want to be the backup or the rebound. Protect yourself and delete his number.

Have you already booked your flights?
 

RyanKing

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Stop wasting your time on this guy. It’s not going to end well for you.

He was probably genuinely interested in you before his ex moved in. But his ex moving in resulted in a change of circumstance for him. He’s been honest with you about his feelings for his ex, take that for what it is (a red flag) and run.

He will likely keep using you for validation and a confidence boost. Especially if him and his ex get into an argument or don’t work out. You don’t want to be the backup or the rebound. Protect yourself and delete his number.

Have you already booked your flights?

I think this response was the tough love that I needed, thank you. I think your post laid out the consequences clearly and that helped me get clarity. My flight is refundable and was booked on points so I cancelled it. Thank you everyone for your concern and responses. I wrote him a letter saying I was going to step away from the situation and let him figure it out.
 

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live and learn... long distance relationships are hard, very hard. just be very happy that he was open and honest about the ex situation. you have zero say in what he does with his life since you two are not "exclusive". until that happens, it's fair game and the market's open for everyone and anything.

glad you chose to move on. there's always more fish in the ocean, keep fishing!

if this ever happens again in any form or fashion, just be honest about how you truly feel and don't hesitate to walk away.
 
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I think this response was the tough love that I needed, thank you. I think your post laid out the consequences clearly and that helped me get clarity. My flight is refundable and was booked on points so I cancelled it. Thank you everyone for your concern and responses. I wrote him a letter saying I was going to step away from the situation and let him figure it out.
You’re welcome :) I’m glad that you’ve considered everything and have made the right choice. The last thing you want is to be tangled up in that mess.

Wishing you all the best for the road ahead. And please try to stay strong when he inevitably texts or calls you again.
 

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Yes. Postpone your visit until after his ex has found new digs. But stay in touch.

I thought about it briefly but I think it’s best for me to have a clean break from this because I don’t think the feelings for the ex are going to disappear anytime soon even if he moves to a different place. Once I made that decision to step aside I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I’m now focusing on finding the right guy and I’ve had some great potentials and conversations since then.
 

RyanKing

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Well we have a crazy turn of events now.

I get a text from Andrew at work out of the blue saying hi. Personally, I don’t like ghosting or not responding back since I have been on the receiving end of that so many times. I am cordial and ask how he’s been. We make small talk and he updates me on how his work has been going. It then leads to the inevitable question of why did he reach out to me in the first place a lot sooner than I expected.

My palms were shaking as soon as I found out why he reached out. He told me his ex and him were completely finished the same day that I had told him I wanted to end things. He didn’t reach out to me initially because he was still trying to process the whole situation but was urged by a psychic to contact me. I made a joke about how he puts a lot of weight into the psychic. I then told him I had initially made peace with the decision to break away from the situation but I was still having a difficult time with it. He replies that he knows this looks bad on his part that he is now texting me after ending things with his ex and he’s still not sure if he just made this situation more complicated. We both agreed to table our talk until later since I was at work when he texted me.

On my end this past week, I’ve gone out on a couple dates which were nice but not sure if the chemistry was there. I had one potential guy that I had FaceTimed with several nights in a row for almost two hours each time. We set up a tentative day to meet up. I texted him for an update if that was still happening and I get no response. Tried sending a pic and calling/left a voicemail, nada. I was pissed and texted back that I didn’t like to be blown off like that. He didnt have the decency to reply back. He is four years younger than me and it proved that there was a lack of maturity on his end. Needless to say this has not gone anywhere.

With all of these events happening in the last twelve hours or so, I don’t know how I feel at the moment. I told Andrew that it was nice he reached out to me but I was firm and stated at this point I don’t want to jump into a complicated situation and don’t want to pursue anything until he figures out what he wants. I feel like that was a good enough response and I’m not letting this derail my dating life, but it’s been a whirlwind I was not expecting so suddenly.
 
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LaFemme

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Great decision making on your part. I don’t know if I could be that strong, but I do think you’re totally right. Be strong and see what happens. It’s too soon for Andrew right now. I feel you’re doing the absolute right thing for yourself.
 
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Great decision making on your part. I don’t know if I could be that strong, but I do think you’re totally right. Be strong and see what happens. It’s too soon for Andrew right now. I feel you’re doing the absolute right thing for yourself.
+1. I think I would have potentially caved but I’m so glad you were strong enough not to. You don’t deserve to be second best. You should be proud of yourself. I hope you have some better luck in the dating arena :)
 
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stustu

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Folks, I love this site. I think that we often offer excellent advise and help our friends to
see different angles. This thread was really great and everyone is cheering for RyanKing
knowing that he will find the perfect love match.
 
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RyanKing

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Ever since the last post, so many things have occurred that I feel that I should give an update.

Initially, Andrew and I hit it off and were texting daily. The conversation took a turn for the worse when we started talking about when we should meet up. I suggested if he wanted to keep the original weekend I was supposed to come visit open up, but stated he was busy that weekend with work and wouldn’t feel like he would be a good host. I had then asked him multiple times during the week of thanksgiving to give me a couple of dates/weekends in February that might work because I already had my work schedule mapped out months in advance and February requests were coming up, but he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He then became impatient with me when I approached the subject again and said I was pushing things too fast. It became a back and forth that ultimately ended up wrecking our communication and banter, and it hasn’t been repaired since.

I have had some time to reflect. I may have been pushing Andrew into a decision he wasn’t ready to make, and he admitted he had a lot of emotional baggage from his ex he needed to deal with before he jumped into a relationship, which I respect. But our initial communication transitioned from the “honeymoon” phase when he would be reaching out to me daily into what I felt like me pulling tooth and nail to get him to respond. He didn’t respond to my texts two weeks ago and it’s been quiet since. I was feeling like I needed guidance so I went to a psychic myself although I was very apprehensive about the idea.

She gave me some encouraging news and said that Andrew has been thinking about me but hasn’t reached out to me because he’s anticipating I’ll make the first contact with him. However, she suggested that he will eventually restart contact and I should not be the one to initiate contact at this point and that I should let things play out and explore my other possibilities. I feel in a better position about myself and i haven’t thought about Andrew as actively as I have in the past. Right now I’m letting things cool off with him until I learn to love myself and be open to other romantic interests. My energy feels more balanced these days.