"Molding" your lover

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Ramsey, Mar 22, 2011.

  1. Ramsey

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    So, if you desire certain things to happen, what are the limits to getting your partner to do? Post your thoughts.

    For instance, I like some dirty talk, but the girlfriend seems a bit shy about it or to not like doing it. So, should I gently encourage her that I like it, or just let her be herself and live without it?
     
  2. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    The limits depend on your partner. But the way I feel is, if you like them enough to be in a relationship with them, you like them enough to appreciate them the way they are.

    If she's simply too shy for dirty talk, ask her what her inhibitions are and if she even wishes to overcome them. If she isn't, or if she doesn't, appreciate the fact that you have someone in your life that loves you and don't bother with changing anything.

    If you're into giving dirty talk and she doesn't mind receiving it, I suppose go ahead? Maybe she'll warm up to it one day, but don't count on it.
     
  3. AlteredEgo

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    I would do absolutely anything to get my husband to put the tupper I send with him to work in the dishwasher when he gets home.
     
  4. Ramsey

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    Hey if that can pay off for both of you then it sounds like it works great!
     
  5. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    If your partner has expressed a clear desire to avoid doing X, you need to respect their wishes and back off.

    However, sometimes people aren't entirely against doing something, even if they aren't particularly into it either. Where this is the case, I think gentle encouragement or further discussion of X is fine.

    Then you have the people who want to be able to do something, but can't. I would love to be able to do dirty talk, but I just can't seem to manage it. My brain freezes when I'm asked to. I have high hopes that someday someone will be able to break through my block.
     
  6. Drifterwood

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    Your code words don't fool me! :eek: :biggrin1:
     
  7. simbablk

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    I guess you would need to determine if she's absolutely against doing something or just isn't sure (uncomfortable) about doing something. I see these as two separate issues.

    One woman I know is the same way with dirty talk. Initially she was uncomfortable with the idea of talking dirty or saying "dirty" words - partly because she had never talked dirty before - so it was uncomfortable to her. Saying the words and hearing them come out of her own mouth was uncomfortable. Now she is able to say certain words when talking about sex and it no longer feels uncomfortable. The words flow out naturally. But it took some time to be able to gain enough confidence and guts to hear the words and discover that some words, when used in context, are very arousing.

    However, there are other things that she has stated she is absolutely against doing or having done to her - and I respect that.

    So is your woman uncomfortable or just against it? Find that out. If she's uncomfortable, slowly ease her into it if you can. If she continues to be reluctant, then don't worry about it. Just go about what you normally do and count this one as something she isn't willing to do.

    Simba
     
  8. dongalong

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    I think that building up trust by making every sexual activity pleasurable is the key for encouraging a partner to try new things.
    If your girlfriend sees an increase in your pleasure just from her saying a few words, she might get used to it and eventually enjoy it. For example maybe there are some dirty phrases that she doesn't mind saying, if she can start like that, you make a show of the pleasure it gives you and reward her with orgasms - she might want to go further.

    I've seen this with my latest partner, she was shy to try some things but after seeing my reaction and feeling the pleasure I gave her as a reward, she wanted to do it all the time.

    P.S. Alcohol might also help. :wink:
     
  9. rembrandt1603

    rembrandt1603 New Member

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    Aside from certain perversions (deep throat, gagging etc), I've always managed to employ the full set of sexual desires onto my lady friends.

    I think if you can do all such acts very well, ease your partner into them, talk about what you both enjoy, what you've always wanted to tried, etc, then they're always expectedly open to it (again, in my experience).

    If I was with a woman who was outright set against a certain (fairly tame, in this day and age) act, then I don't think I could be with her in the long term. Refusal to such things often implies a bullheadedness or shortcoming in other facets of their personality. Sexual liberated people are often the most happy, fancy-free folk around.
     
  10. D_Tam_Ponds

    D_Tam_Ponds Account Disabled

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    Hmm - I find that for some stupid reason I have a really hard time telling a man what I like in bed. I will try to show them, but sometimes they either are too thick to get it or maybe they just plain don't want to. For example, I really like having my nipples licked or sucked. It will usually bring me to orgasm in a hurry too - even squirting. But trying to get a man to do it right is just a mess. My first attempt is to put them in his face during sex. One guy got the hint with no trouble, but then he was like biting me and I couldn't get him to knock it off - ouch. I hinted pretty strongly when that didn't work to another guy and he just thought I wanted him to "tit-fuck" me. Sorry dude - not really exciting for me. Another guy got the idea quick only he just wanted to use his hands on my nipples. Ok, that is a step up, just not quite the same as a nice warm mouth on my breasts. A man who can figure it out will certainly be rewarded ;) I use to date one man who would nearly beg me to tell him what things I liked, and I still felt uncomfortable putting into words - not sure why. But he always got the non-verbal hints, and there was never anything he did that I didn't like :D
     
  11. Endued

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    ???
     
  12. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    my gf,(wife), was reluctant to give me a BJ at first, and it took some coaxing. she found it was a good quick way to get me big & hard in a hurry so I could fuck her. she did say I should never try to jam it down her throat or grab the back of her head. because of my thickness, she only goes about halfway. she also does not want me cumming in her mouth or on her face. altho that happened once. over time she got very good at it. and a long slow BJ of about a half an hour is real nice.
     
  13. simbablk

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    I've heard lots of women say sort of the same thing. They feel like they shouldn't have to tell a man what they like - that if he were a good lover, he'd figure it out. On the one hand I understand that logic - but on the other hand I can also see how that logic is flawed.

    Not telling your partner what you like can forfeit your ability to receive the please you need and desire. Of course, there are men (and women) who are very keen at the subtle and non-verbal communication cues to what makes their partner tick - but as you've stated, there are some of us who need a little help in the right direction.

    Unfortunately, you tried telling your partners and some of them just didn't get it. That's a whole separate issue altogether. But do try to be more vocal about your likes and dislikes with your partners. Some might not get it, but others will.

    Simba
     
  14. helgaleena

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    I know it takes some effort to get yourself to say things in words. But really, there is no substitute. Very few of our partners are psychics.

    I know I had to learn to speak up for what I like.
    And actually, the turning bright red from being embarrassed and the mumbling into your own hand are more attractive than you might think. A partner often finds that endearing.

    Keep trying, darwinlily. :love:
     
  15. midlifebear

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    I dunno. I'd been watching some gay bukkake porn and having my usual cum fantasies. That afternoon The Squeeze comes home for an extended siesta. He was sitting in my lap looking a BIG BEAR PORN (and these guys were beyond chubby) and he got all excited as I stroked him. He stood up and wanted to know if I wanted to finish him off. I told him just shoot it all over my face. He suddenly looked terribly disturbed at me. Granted, I would have just as enjoyed sucking him off. But that's not what he asked me to do. Instead, he came in his hand and cleaned himself up in the bathroom.

    Later that evening he explained that just cumming all over my face turned him off. However, it would not have been the first time.

    Lesson: Don't expect to turn people into what you want them to be.
     
  16. B_blessed boy

    B_blessed boy New Member

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    use pleasure to control her....if i want a girl to suck my dick i jus let them cum a few times then tell them to show me how much they love it and suck it or they wont get anymore for the night. works for sucking, making em put out more effort etc
     
  17. TheRob

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    the answer is pretty much always to talk about it
    if you talk dirty she might be shy cus she dosn't like it or she might ust think it's not ladylike
    but if you talk about it then you can figure it out together
     
  18. TheRob

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    is this common amoung women because I can use that...
     
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