Mom Regrets Ignoring Gay Son

DC_DEEP

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I can't believe her other kids turned her down and left her with nowhere to live (that's really fucked up) and the only one willing to take her in was the one she hadn't been treating fairly. I'm sure her son felt a lot better about this too. Knowing that his mother finally accepted him for what he is.
I can believe it. I've seen similar situations before (fortunately, my Mom "didn't agree" with my orientation - until I came out. She realized it was her who had been thinking incorrectly all those years, and immediately accepted my homosexuality. She died 5 years ago, without ever once pretending she didn't love me.) The "well-married" children are too self-absorbed in their own lives to have even considered that their mom needed care, too self-absorbed to think it was their responsibility.

My siblings, while not quite this bad, had some similar qualities. At one point, when Mom was not able to get around well enough to do some things for herself but not totally disabled, three of my sibs lived in the same city, and two sibs lived about 30 miles away. I lived about 170 miles away, with a very demanding teaching job in the public schools. But my brothers and sisters expected me to do a lot of Mom's care, such as yard work. I would get home on Friday afternoon, after school, drive three hours, stay the night at Mom's house, work there all day on Saturday, stay the night, and drive 3 hours home early Sunday morning to grade papers and work on lesson plans. I asked one sister why she didn't help more, and her answer left me stunned: "I have a family to take care of; you obviously have more free time since you are single." That family she was taking care of consisted of herself, her 14-year-old son, and her husband. I tried to explain to her that being single actually left me less time, since I simply did not have the option of saying, "I have to go help Mom; John, I want you to clean the kitchen and do the laundry... Mark, I need to you mow the yard and go to the grocery store." No, every chore that got done, I had to do myself, I couldn't delegate ANY of it. None of my "well-married" sibs ever let that cross their minds. One had no children, the others had sons in their teens, and they all had spouses... but I had more time to spend 6 hours driving and then do chores for Mom. Right.
Was I the only one who found this story more upsetting than touching? I mean, sure it's convenient now for the mom to reconnect with her son, when she needs something from him. Sounds to me like she didn't deserve to have such a forgiving child.
I saw both sides to the story, so I was not quite "moved to tears."
Why does everyone often assume I need to calm down?

Talk to Lex, DC, anyone who has met me in person... I'm calm. I'm about as mellow as they come. You can disagree with the group and be calm.

If anyone wants to get my posts as they were intended they'd do well to read each of them and imagine as if I was speaking in a deadpan monotone. That's how I'm usually thinking them.
Quite, quite true, NIC. I was a little surprised when I met you, because your in-person demeanor does not match your appearance or your online posts. I didn't expect you to be so quiet and laid-back, or to have such a dry wit.
"they're lucky enough to have one who will take them in "

Get your gays, get while their hot and fresh. They'll take care of you when your outa options. Gays, get them TODAY!
That's the one part of the story that bothered me... I'm sure it was not the intent of the old mother, or of Abby, but the undertone of the story was "treat your queers however you want throughout life, then make the end-of-life conversion and they'll forgive all and take care of you."
 

Charles Finn

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well I have a very unique situation. my father killed my mother when i was 14 months old my sister was 3yo. he went to prison for 6 years for manslaughter.
we were sent to live with his sister and brother in law. our aunt and uncle.
long story short when he got out we were sent to live with him no counseling or anything. he was told he had to get married to readopt us. he did not choose well.
it took me until 1995 to forgive him for taking away the mother we never knew.
he is on his 3rd wife and has been with her since 1985.
so always forgive but never forget.
if you want to know more feel free to ask.
I will never get over the murder of our mother but i am ery glad I did have a father such as he was.
 

Dave NoCal

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NIC's point is well taken. The mother's letter is all about herself and what benefitted her. There was no mention of reflecting on what the experience or rejection was like for her son or his partner. This would appear to indicate a person who is empathically challenged, which might partially explain why she was turned down by the others.
Dave
 

SpoiledPrincess

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Many parents don't particularly want their kids to be happy, they want them to be some sort of paragon that reflects well on their way of upbringing and consequently makes them look good. Selfish buggers.
 

rstrnt

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This story is nothing new. Every gay person has a story. It is really pretty sad. When I came out to my parents, Easter was coming up shortly, and my Mother thought it would be best if I wasn't there. My entire family goes there every Easter. I wonder what she told my Brothers and Sisters as to why I wasn't there? My parents got over it, and my partner and myself are treated no differently than anybody else in the family.

My partners Father is a retired minister. They basically would not recognize me the first five years of our relationship. I wasn't allowed at their house, and my partner finally simply didn't go home for Holidays or anything anymore because of it. They too, finally came around. They come to visit us now, but stay in a hotel. Everything is now fine with them as well. His Mother still prays everynight that he magically be transformed to a heterosexual.

I agree ... forgive. I do have a hard time forgetting though.
 

wingnut84

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To me the touching part was the forgiveness of the son. The mother's change of tune was an afterthought. The son sounds like a real swell guy. How many people could say they'd do what he did, honestly?
 

canuck_pa

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I agree with NineInch. If one of the other children had taken in the mother she probably would have never reconnected with her gay son. Thankfully the other children didn't. Now the mother has gotten to know her son and his partner, is enjoying living with them and the son once again has the love of his mother.

DC Deep, I can completely relate. I have two brothers and a sister. All are or have been married. We all live within an hour of my mother but 90% of the time its me that makes time to be there for her. For a long time I resented them for not caring enough for our mother to make time for her. Now I feel sorry for them. Their the ones missing out. I know my mom better than any of them. We talk about anything and everything. She trusts me more than the others. She has given me power of attorney and my name is on all her bank accounts. She also has a secret account that is for me alone

One of my brothers is a complete loser and for a while whined to mom to get his inheritance now. That would have meant mom would have had to sell the house and move into either a smaller house or a condo. She seriously considered doing it until I threatened to have her declared insane so I would have complete control. Of course I was kidding. She just giggled and dropped the idea. But the fact remains, I don't trust my siblings not to take advantage of her.
 

MovingForward

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I found this quite touching because I am in the inbetween stage where my parents have not quite accepted me, but are further along where they once were. At the age of 18 my dad told me "no man could ever accept his son being gay, but that doesnt mean I do not love you. 9 year later he is paranoid about someone seeing me at gay pride. Like they will see me, and know that I am his son. Well anyway, I have been with my partner for 4 years and for the first time, he invited me to dinner for his birthday and said I could bring my "friend". For my dad this was a huge step. I do not know if he will ever accept it, but I know they way he has struggled in life and I know my education and accomplishments are due to him working hard to provide for my family and to move us out of the ghetto. I know he still struggles. I was surprised when I had problems with my boyfriend and he actually called me to give me advice and to talk if I wanted. No one is perfect, but in my opinion nothing is stronger than family regardless. I will do all I can to make sure they are taken care of all their life.
 

ganja4me

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It seems as if she does regret what she did though. She is writing that letter and trying to give others who read it the advice to accept your children for who they are so you don't miss out on all of the good times you could have been having with them.
 

EdWoody

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This thread comes at an ironic time for me, because it is my parent's 40th anniversary tomorrow, and for the occasion I wrote them a long letter explaining how I appreciate them and love them precisely because they didn't act the way that woman did.

I told them that too many parents are too stuck up their own asses to accept a gay son (although in more parent-appropriate language, obviously), whereas they have never had the slightest problem. They have loved me and accepted me, and treat my 12-year-long relationship with my partner exactly the same way they treat my sister's marriage.

I don't know if they realize how rare that actually is, so I wrote the letter to make sure they understood how much I feel fortunate to have grown up in their family.
 

obil

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OMG! Nineinch is right and he's straight. I can't believe that a straight man is the first to recognize the meaning of this situation. The story and responses validate my belief that gay people (in particular gay men) are very sympathetic and forgiving toward others. This is why they get treated like dirt becuse they accept less. Wake up and respect YOURSELF.
 

dolfette

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OMG! Nineinch is right and he's straight. I can't believe that a straight man is the first to recognize the meaning of this situation. The story and responses validate my belief that gay people (in particular gay men) are very sympathetic and forgiving toward others. This is why they get treated like dirt becuse they accept less. Wake up and respect YOURSELF.
or maybe he really missed his mother.
he valued her more than his siblings did, because he'd been without her for so long.

whether she deserves that or not, it's his choice.
 

ganja4me

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OMG! Nineinch is right and he's straight. I can't believe that a straight man is the first to recognize the meaning of this situation. The story and responses validate my belief that gay people (in particular gay men) are very sympathetic and forgiving toward others. This is why they get treated like dirt becuse they accept less. Wake up and respect YOURSELF.


So you think it would be better if her gay son turned her down and left her with nowhere to go. I think it is great that he had such a big heart unlike his other siblings. We aren't talking about some stranger we are talking about his mother. I would have done the same.​
 

NCbear

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Hmmm. I think this story is about forgiveness, not about assertiveness or ensuring that others won't shit on you (or ensuring that you won't let others shit on you again).

In another thread, I told how amazed I was (and still am, really) that my mother behaved in a genuinely welcoming manner to my lover when he and I went to her family's family reunion the last Sunday in June. Even had she not chosen to do that, I would still have made the decision to take her into my home and take care of her, if she became unable to take care of herself. This is true even though I decided when I was three years old that she was both crazy and untrustworthy--and haven't seen any evidence yet that will convince me to change my mind. This is also true even though she is a deeply flawed human being who hurt me tremendously--using verbal, physical, and emotional abuse--while I still lived under her roof. I feel duty-bound to return her incredible gift of time, energy, and effort to feed me, clothe me, shelter me, and educate me during my first 18 years.

In other words, even if she's crazy and mean-spirited and manipulative and even if being around her tests my own patience (and levelheadedness), I still have to be true to my own principles. Difficult as that would be.

The decision to be one's own person regardless of external influences (including one's own fairly arbitrary upbringing) cuts both ways. You can be as bitter and hateful and spiteful as you'd like, which brings you down to the same level as the haters/oppressors/assholes. You can also act in a way that makes you happy to be you, regardless of how others act.

NCbear (who's learning that the long slow journey toward forgiving his parents is a journey he's taking for his own sanity and peace of mind, not his parents')
 

behrstar

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OMG! Nineinch is right and he's straight. I can't believe that a straight man is the first to recognize the meaning of this situation. The story and responses validate my belief that gay people (in particular gay men) are very sympathetic and forgiving toward others. This is why they get treated like dirt becuse they accept less. Wake up and respect YOURSELF.

Bingo! My mom has always been...difficult. Very self absorbed, manipulative, and demanding. After years of putting up with her BS I finally said no more. We still see each other at family gatherings and such, but I keep my distance. My parents were divorced and my father died several years ago.

I was VERY surprised by the reaction of many folk who found out that I was keeping distance from her, in and out of the family. Since she had always accepted my homosexuality they viewed her as some kind of saint and I should be grateful for that and just put up with the rest of her abuse.

I agree with Obil...just because I am gay doesn't mean I have anything to apologize for.