Mom Regrets Ignoring Gay Son

D_Bob_Crotchitch

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).

lf. This is true even though I decided when I was three years old that she was both crazy and untrustworthy--and haven't seen any evidence yet that will convince me to change my mind. This is also true even though she is a deeply flawed human being who hurt me tremendously--using verbal, physical, and emotional abuse--while I still lived under her roof.

I am fully convinced that 99% of the adult population of the United States is crazy. The other 1% is comatose. Many of these people were mistreated themselves. They don't have a clue.
 

obil

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So you think it would be better if her gay son turned her down and left her with nowhere to go. I think it is great that he had such a big heart unlike his other siblings. We aren't talking about some stranger we are talking about his mother. I would have done the same.​


So if a member of your family disowned you for most of your life you would take them in?

If this guy had been sick I'm sure his cold-hearted mother/ parents would not have taken him in. It was only when she needed help that her perspective changed.

NCbear, you're a glutton for abuse.
 

SpoiledPrincess

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I'm of the same opinion as obil, the guys mother didn't have a reconciliation with him because she realised she loved him, she reconciled because she had nowhere else to go. If someone shits on you once they'll do it again, personally I don't believe in the bollocks about blood being thicker than water, we don't get to choose our family and if they're people we wouldn't have as friends why put up with crap just because by a twist of fate they're family.
 

ganja4me

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So if a member of your family disowned you for most of your life you would take them in?

If this guy had been sick I'm sure his cold-hearted mother/ parents would not have taken him in. It was only when she needed help that her perspective changed.

NCbear, you're a glutton for abuse.

Yes, I would. Life is too short to hold a grudge like that. If the person wants to appologize for what they did and start over I think that's great. Sometimes you need to be the bigger person and be able to forgive others especially someone special like parents or siblings. If I was long guy the situation would be like this. She didn't accept me and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her until she either did accept me or I had the chance to try getting her to accept me. It was very humble, generous, and kind thing that guy did. I think he sets a great example for others.
 

ganja4me

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I'm of the same opinion as obil, the guys mother didn't have a reconciliation with him because she realised she loved him, she reconciled because she had nowhere else to go. If someone shits on you once they'll do it again, personally I don't believe in the bollocks about blood being thicker than water, we don't get to choose our family and if they're people we wouldn't have as friends why put up with crap just because by a twist of fate they're family.

It's different when it is one of your parents though. Without them you wouldn't be alive. They also have to put up with all the shit you give them as a kid as they provide food, shelter, clothes, etc. I am not saying what she did was O.K. but I believe she deserves a second chance. And apparantly, since her son did giver her a second chance everything is working out great.

 

wingnut84

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Holy shit, this thread is filled with some mean-spirited folk (save ganja4me and a couple others.) Ok, so the mother was wrong to reject her son. But who's to say that she isn't genuinely remorseful for what she did? To say that "she wouldn't have cared for him if he were sick" is not right. You don't know that. If the son had gotten sick it might have also caused her to change her view of him. Again, I don't know these people, but she's a human who makes mistakes, is capable of changing for the better and deserving of forgiveness. You never know, maybe she didn't ask her gay son if she could stay with him because she was ashamed and didn't think that he would forgive her. Put yourself in another's shoes.
 

ganja4me

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Exactly, wingnut. At least she admits that she was wrong and what happened between them was her fault and no fault of her sons.
 
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deleted105034

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Wow, This story reminds me a little bit of a GREAT movie I saw called "Running with Scissors" (which is also a book for those of you with 160 IQ's) in which the narcissistic mother totally abuses her gay son (and her self) during the 70's. Somehow it's really funny though, and I highly recommend it.

Anyway, I think Sassy Spy's comment about "not being able to choose your parents" is a central theme here. I basically said the same thing last night to some friends. I said "I know you're supposed to respect your elders and all that, but sometimes it's just SO hard." When you get old enough to realize that your parents actually made mistakes, (and A LOT of them) it's pretty weird to realize that they're not infallible.

My parents have done some things that I held grudges against for a long time, but now I've kinda accepted all that as water under the bridge. In regards to all the bad stuff from childhood, I heard once that "perceived shortcomings in childhood can turn out to be assets in later life," making you tougher so to speak. I guess what I'm trying to say is "Give your parents a break." They're just regular people who happened to have kids...How would you respond to another life form being completely dependent on you for everything? How would you walk the line between spoiling them and neglecting them?

As for the straight siblings in the story, they were probably spoiled from being the ones that always "fit in." In fact, that will probably turn into a liability for them in later life.
 

chico8

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Everyone's making so many assumptions from this brief letter that it's not even funny.

Maybe the woman is a complete monster and her kids have simply decided not to put up with anymore of her bs. Maybe the gay son was a total asshole when he was younger and is now trying to make amends.

There are any number of other scenarios that could also apply. To judge the mother or the son or the other kids based on this letter is absolutely assinine.
 

ganja4me

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Everyone's making so many assumptions from this brief letter that it's not even funny.

Maybe the woman is a complete monster and her kids have simply decided not to put up with anymore of her bs. Maybe the gay son was a total asshole when he was younger and is now trying to make amends.

There are any number of other scenarios that could also apply. To judge the mother or the son or the other kids based on this letter is absolutely assinine.

Good point. However, there can always be those kind of exceptions to these stories. We can only speculate on what we know with the facts we are given.

 

DC_DEEP

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It's different when it is one of your parents though. Without them you wouldn't be alive. They also have to put up with all the shit you give them as a kid as they provide food, shelter, clothes, etc. I am not saying what she did was O.K. but I believe she deserves a second chance. And apparantly, since her son did giver her a second chance everything is working out great.
Why is it different when it's one of your parents? Actually, they should be held to a higher standard than strangers. You are right, without one's parents, one would not be alive. The flip side of that is exactly the same. You didn't ask to be born. If they made that commitment (to have a child) should they not also make the commitment to nurture that child?

I was lucky, neither of my parents was the type to "disown when I came out." They used the correct logic: "I've loved you and known you to be a wonderful person for (however many) years; learning that you are gay is not going to change the fact that you are still the person I have loved since you were born." It would be different if the mother had despised her son for being a thieving meth addict, than despising him simply because he was gay. What she did was as bad as if she had not spoken to him for 15 years because he had red hair. If anything, when an "otherwise good" son comes out, shouldn't that change the mother's opinion of homosexuality, rather than changing her opinion of her "good son"? She chose to keep her archaic, arbitrary notions over her own flesh and blood.

Since none of us chose our parents, why should we have any more obligations to them, if they treat us badly, than we have toward any other person who is not related? I know many who won't agree with me, but my opinion is that bad family is not better than no family at all.
 

rob_just_rob

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That's the one part of the story that bothered me... I'm sure it was not the intent of the old mother, or of Abby, but the undertone of the story was "treat your queers however you want throughout life, then make the end-of-life conversion and they'll forgive all and take care of you."

Ugh. Don't tell me that gay people do that "convert-on-your-deathbed-and-all-is-forgiven-even-if-you-were-an-utter-bastard-the-previous-70-years" thing the way the christians do. If they do, I may have to become a homophobe. :mad:

Anyways... nice story. I have long suspected that many of the situations that people write to advice columns about are fabricated, though.
 

SpoiledPrincess

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Yeah parents make mistakes, practically disowning your kids for their sexuality isn't one of we should make. We give our kids life but it's not a life they asked for so we should at least love them however they turn out (taking up serial killing as a hobby is one of the few exceptions to this rule), and however they turn out we're the ones who had some part in whatever choices they make.
We're all making assumptions from the letter but that's what this thread is about, commenting on a situation using that as the only information.
Giving birth to someone doesn't mean that they have to conform to your beliefs or live their life the way they choose, we give them life but it's their life not ours and this mother didn't reconcile herself to her son until she was forced to - I'm assuming that of course, but I'm making that assumption based on the only information we have.
 

DC_DEEP

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Ugh. Don't tell me that gay people do that "convert-on-your-deathbed-and-all-is-forgiven-even-if-you-were-an-utter-bastard-the-previous-70-years" thing the way the christians do. If they do, I may have to become a homophobe.
Not this one. I've always been very suspicious of the sincerity of "deathbed conversions."
Yeah parents make mistakes, practically disowning your kids for their sexuality isn't one of we should make. We give our kids life but it's not a life they asked for so we should at least love them however they turn out (taking up serial killing as a hobby is one of the few exceptions to this rule)
True. One of my nephews was a methamphetamine addict for years. After numerous incarcerations, bailouts, and thefts & burglaries, we all eventually had to say "enough is enough. You aren't welcome to come around until you straighten up. Until you successfully get through a treatment program, and prove yourself, we will call the police if we see you on our property." He eventually did straighten himself out, has been clean & sober for 3 years now, and has been welcomed back into the family. But as you say, that's not the same thing as simply being gay. Only an idiot parent would disown a child for being gay.
 

NCbear

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Since none of us chose our parents, why should we have any more obligations to them, if they treat us badly, than we have toward any other person who is not related? I know many who won't agree with me, but my opinion is that bad family is not better than no family at all.

DC_DEEP, I feel I have an obligation to return to my parents the same level of effort they gave me re: feeding, clothing, sheltering, and educating me for my first 18 years.

Whether I like them or not is irrelevant. Whether I choose to accept their bad treatment of me -- IF they continue their bad treatment of me, which is another topic -- is irrelevant. Whether I find it tremendously difficult not to throw up my hands and leave them to their collective psychological issues is irrelevant. I still feel I have a responsibility to care for them, merely because they did so for me. Some of you may disagree, or may feel that their bad treatment of me somehow canceled out the elements of their parenting that happened to be positive/worthwhile. That's your prerogative.

(As an aside: The question of whether they knew what they were doing when they did those positive parenting actions can be the topic of another thread. I think my parents still are not ready to be parents, because they still fundamentally don't understand what parenting is all about. They don't understand that parenting is -- or should be -- aimed at preparing children for their eventual independence. On some level, my mother wants to keep her grown sons infantile and dependent on her. As you can probably tell from my tone and word choice, I think this epitomizes her overall failure as a parent. Still, nevertheless, her cooking every meal for me until I turned 18, her purchasing clothes for me when I outgrew the old ones, her and my father's efforts to ensure adequate shelter, and her and my father's efforts to educate me -- even though some of their actions were so obviously accidentally positive that they are completely laughable when I think of them -- deserve an "equal and opposite reaction," to my way of thinking.)

Now, that said, for my own protection (and sanity and peace of mind), I know I will continue to maintain certain boundaries, emotional and otherwise. I interact with my parents on my own terms. That freedom, in and of itself, has made a reconciliation (or at least an apparent reconcilation) possible.

Think of it: We can now be civil to each other. My continuing to act as an adult toward my parents models the behavior that I expect in return. If and when they do not behave in an adult manner toward me, I leave. It's that simple.

And it's that simple for my three older brothers as well. Perhaps almost two decades of being denied substantive relationships with their children, as well as their grandchildren, has made my parents think twice about behaving in other than an adult manner.

Curiously, as I reread what I've written here, I'm swiftly concluding that my brothers and I are training my parents how to be parents in a fairly simplistic manner. You know: Give the seal a fish, and the seal will perform in a prescribed manner. Give the parents some of your time, and they will perform in a prescribed manner. It's sad that it has to be that way at present, but there it is.

NCbear (who wonders whether anyone had a "normal" upbringing, whatever that is)
 

earllogjam

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Hmmm. I think this story is about forgiveness, not about assertiveness or ensuring that others won't shit on you (or ensuring that you won't let others shit on you again).

I have the same take on the letter as you NCbear. I find myself in a similar situation as you and I am just silently nodding to your words in all that you have posted here. I was going the write something but could not do it more eloquently than you. Thanks.
 

DC_DEEP

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NCBear, again, I will say, I was fortunate to have been spared the agony of having a bad parent. I did the utmost very best I could for my mother in her declining years, and still don't think I did enough for her. But then again, she never ever once told me that she was ashamed of me or disgusted by my "lifestyle." She raised her children the best she knew how, and accepted the people we became as a result of her efforts. I still want someone to explain to me how a parent could let their prejudicial, archaic prejudice trump maternal love. I just don't get it.

Maybe the son should give her a few years of unconditional love, then disown her because she's embarrassingly incontinent.

In case you don't understand, that's a lightly-veiled sarcasm. Of course we should all strive to be better people, especially when presented the opportunity to mete a little payback.

You obviously did not understand the intent of my posts.
 

husky14620

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I doubt that I would take in either of my parents, and they didn't "disown" me. They just ignored me, and everything in my life. I took care of my grandmother, and they didn't help her at all.

Maybe this woman is remorseful; NOW. I doubt she was when she moved in with them. She was desperate, and forced to move in with them. I wouldn't be surprised if she gave them all kinds of trouble at first.

But then again, I'm just a bitter old queen...