Monogam-ish

BecauseImHorny

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I think I might be monogam-ish.

HuffPost defines monogam-ish as:

"Monogamish occurs when two people mutually agree (without any emotional, financial or other coercion) that certain types of sex outside of their relationship are okay and don't count as cheating. For a monogamish agreement to work, both individuals must be honest about who they are and what they want sexually. Then, when the cards are all on the table, the couple can negotiate a set of boundaries that works for them. For some couples, online sexuality (porn, webcams, and the like) will be acceptable while in-person sexuality (affairs, strip clubs, and the like) will not. Other couples will have rules like, "never more than once with the same person," or, "as long as we're up-front and honest with each other," or whatever. And these boundaries, when they are based in truth and mutual agreement, tend to work."

Here's the link:

Monogamish: Is It Cheating If We Agree on It First?.

I think this describes me. While I am single now and have been for a while, I feel like I always need to have the option of having sex with someone else. And I feel like I would want my partner to have that same option. Not that I (or he) would ever exercise that option, but who knows? Maybe we would.

I am old enough to know that when it comes to sex I can't be everything to my partner, and vice versa. I also know that things change. Sexual appetites change. Sex drives diminish or increase over time. And it may be that someday me and my partner just won't be as sexually compatible as maybe we once were.

Plus, there's a difference between fucking and making love. When having sex in a committed relationship there's a deeper emotional connection between two people than there is when there is no commitment other than the here and now. I would like to think my future partner and I would always make love to each other. Even when we're having a quick fuck in a bathroom stall somewhere. But me and a stranger? No emotional connection needed. Just two people getting off with each other.

I know I couldn't be in a relationship where there was no sexual intimacy of any sort. That would be soul crushing to me. I would always need that sexual affirmation. And no amount of sex outside of the relationship, regardless of how satisfying it was, would be able to take the place of making love to my partner. I just couldn't thrive in a sexless relationship. I know people make those relationships work. And good for them that they can somehow make that work! But for me, it's something I could not abide.

Which brings us back to the original point I was making about sexual drives, desires and appetites being different for different people. And other things could come into play as well. It could be a timing issue. You work different hours. One or both of you have jobs that have you traveling a majority of the time. It could be that other responsibilities outside of the marriage take precedence over the responsibilities inside the marriage, at least momentarily. It could be sickness or injury that changes the sexual dynamic in the relationship. Any number of factors could weigh in on why you're not on the same page sexually as perhaps you once were. I see no reason then why one or both of you couldn't find sexual release outside of the relationship.

But that's just me. What do you think?
 

Sagittarius84

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I think if it were just a matter of facilitating sexual release this would be a much more widely accepted mindset. The problem is a lot of people are also heavily invested in the privilege and power that comes with being the sole sexual provider. When sexual access is the foundation upon which your relationship value is established, to allow one's partner access to others is to devalue yourself.
 

Sagittarius84

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Plus I think the other issue is that within a monogamous construct, it often only one partner whom is dissatisfied with the frequency and quality of sex that occurs, so to be monogamish either means one partner strays and the other stays(with almost inevitable resentments) or both partners do so, only one gets no satisfaction from it.