Monogamy - does it work?

[B_thickjohnny]

Are we a monogamous sort? I was in a relationship for 4 years and was monogamous. We broke up and have been working on "reconciling" but now I feel more like I can't do the monogamy thing. For one thing my ex is just bad in bed. He does not like being kissed, doesn't like his ass touched, fucks me without touching/caressing/holding me. My take is that he's not interested in a relationship but IS interested in companionship but that's my story.

The authors of Sex at Dawn believe—and what I think they prove—is that we are a naturally non-monogamous species, despite what we've been told for millennia by preachers and for centuries by scientists, and that is why so many people have such a hard time remaining monogamous over the long haul. I'm not saying that everyone everywhere has to be non-monogamous; the authors of Sex at Dawn don't make that argument either. (Lots of monogamists, however, do run around insisting that everyone everywhere should be monogamous—and proscriptive monogamists get a pass because, hey, they mean so well and wouldn't it be nice if everyone were?)

Sex at Dawn

Your opinions?

 

[HiddenLacey]

I think it works if I am with the correct partner and I choose to make it work. I have never been anything other than monogamous no matter if I had other feelings during my relationships. I have always done my best to remain faithful to my partner.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I think evolution has lead to humans being serially monogamous (monogamous for a short period of time, but this occurs again and again). This is a fairly common view amongst evolutionary psychologists. I will definitely hunt down the book in your post as this is a topic I find very interesting.

Edit:
I just had a look for the book and it doesn't even come out here until August :frown1:

 

[balkanxxl]

Two thoughts by me:

1) No matter how beautiful she is, some guy is getting bored of her.

2) Every guy would cheat if he had the opportunity. Brad Pitt just gets more opportunity than some geeky scientist who doesn't go out.

 

[MercyfulFate]

I don't think monogamy will exist in the future, everyone cheats now.

 

[invisibleman]

Are we a monogamous sort? I was in a relationship for 4 years and was monogamous. We broke up and have been working on "reconciling" but now I feel more like I can't do the monogamy thing. For one thing my ex is just bad in bed. He does not like being kissed, doesn't like his ass touched, fucks me without touching/caressing/holding me. My take is that he's not interested in a relationship but IS interested in companionship but that's my story.

The authors of Sex at Dawn believe—and what I think they prove—is that we are a naturally non-monogamous species, despite what we've been told for millennia by preachers and for centuries by scientists, and that is why so many people have such a hard time remaining monogamous over the long haul. I'm not saying that everyone everywhere has to be non-monogamous; the authors of Sex at Dawn don't make that argument either. (Lots of monogamists, however, do run around insisting that everyone everywhere should be monogamous—and proscriptive monogamists get a pass because, hey, they mean so well and wouldn't it be nice if everyone were?)

Your opinions?

My opinions...are many. I am a pretty good monogamous minded guy. Ideally, I would love a really good man to keep me company. To be a really great friend and sex partner and to be that to another man. I am kinda disappointed at the men I was with. They didn't last very long. And one of them was polyamorous . (Which meant he had a network of men and when he left me...I didn't have another man.)

But realistically, I don't have that much faith in people being committed to me. I really don't.

I live in America. People change their PCs, cellphones, clothes, and many other consumables on a whim...why wouldn't I think that I am not replaceable as well in the scheme of things? (Some like their smartphones better than being with people.) Wouldn't anyone else feel the same way that at any moment your relationship wouldn't last considering how fleeting we are? I believe that we as humans have become very sophisticated nowadays and we haven't realized it.

 

[balkanxxl]

I'm not as negative about relationships as I suggested there lol

I just think that each person has about a 2 out of 10 type chance of meeting someone they are so compatible with and cheating will not happen in that case. But unfortunately most of us are in that 8/10 case. The relationships are good but the people involved know deep down that they aren't perfect for each other. Which then gives them an "excuse" to cheat.

 

[D_Raymond Handler]

For me, as an older bi man, monogamy has never been an option. I just don't think it's in a man's DNA.

 

[Gecko4lif]

2) Every guy would cheat if he had the opportunity. Brad Pitt just gets more opportunity than some geeky scientist who doesn't go out.

I wouldnt.

I would just break up with her till I sealed the deal with the other chick then come back.

 

[helgaleena]

IMO monogamy is a legal convenience invented by our societies. It is not universal and when it is entered into, it takes conscious maintenance. I myself have a tendency to be faithful to the one I am allied with at the time, despite provocations and unhappiness, until I am literally driven insane and ill. I am trying to put myself first in order to maintain my own personal health. My kids will be out of the nest someday soon.

Don't do that with a partner if you can help it, Johnny. Methinks my style was an insecure one.

 

[klaybourn]

i think as a species we lean towards Monogamy. some out there might be better suited for some kind of poly relationship. Still i think that humans in general seek monogamy.

plus this book is behind the curve. at least in America. Divorce rates are down. only 1/3 are getting divorced now instead of 1/2. first time marriage ages are mostly in the late 20's early 30's. people thinking more with their brains and not their sex organs thees days

 

[Stephenmass]

I'll lean away from the majority here. I ENJOY being mongamous. If the other parts of your relationship don't deepen as your relationship goes along there are problems ahead. But if you emotionally check in to your partner, and him to you, I personally am VERY happy with my circumstances. Both of us are not blind and can certainly appreciate anothers looks or whatever, but the rest of our relationship has deepened enough that I don't think about "drifting"; I wouldn't even if a "hot guy" hit on me. My guy has treated me well and I treat him well...emotionally compatible, physically there, and we both care about one another, love of course first.

I do believe many live with others simply out of habit and stick it out if they are unhappy; and shouldn't do so. If it isn't a two-way street, and you feel and know it isn't, it's time to leave.

I hope that day never comes for me. Right now I am VERY happy!

 

[SpeedoMike]

it does for some

 

[megaman018]

it worked for tons of people in the past, why wouldnt it still work now?

 

[B_Nick8]

It works for me. That's the one thing I give my partner exclusively. Not my mind: I flirt. Not my emotions: I love a lot of people. But my dick is his alone.

 

[AgentOfInstability]

Monogamy works for some people. It has its advantages and its disadvantages. Open works for some people. It has its advantages and its disadvantages.

So, in a nutshell, yes, monogamy works if it suits both of the participants in the relationship, and if both partners have the same definition and intentions. If this is the case, the actions of both parties will align.

What happens a lot, if I may paint with a broad brush, is the misalignment of beliefs about whether or not the relationship is monogamous, along with different beliefs about what constitutes monogamy, and when monogamy is required.

That many people have trouble with monogamy, has, in many ways, heartily slandered the concept of monogamy. The issues most people have with monogamy have little to do with the concept itself, and much more to do with communication skills and self-awareness.

For example: do you always feel monogamous?

Monogamy implies staticity, but people and circumstances change with the passage of time. Our beliefs shift and evolve. On the biological side, I do not think monogamy is a natural state of being for most animals ... humans included ... as several members have commented. As a concept, yes, monogamy works. As an element of a social contract between two people ... monogamy works only to the extent of the partner's capacity to maintain self-awareness and execute the relationship toward that position.

 

[nakedone]

Monogamy needs to work if there are children involved. When a couple cause a pregnancy, they should be ready to stay commited to each other throughout the time they are raising that child.

In other cases, it doesn't work very well, and mostly because most people enjoy a bit of variety in their sex lives. I believe one of the best answers to this problem is organized wife-sharing, where a couple meets with another man and the husband watches the other man fuck her, but when it is over, she goes home again with her real husband.

And there are all kinds of varieties on this theme. Everyone can think-up their own. The important thing is that both husband and wife gets the pleasure from their sex lives that they need, at no real threat to the other.

 

[deleted356736]

Humans never have been and never will be mongamous. Most primitive societies accepted non-monogamy, and monogamy really only stems from patriarchal societies, which needed to control female sexual behaviour in order to secure inheritance along the male line. But even then, monogamy has been the exception as much as the rule.

Statistics vary, but men tend to be non-monogamous more than women, and a common percentage is about 60% of married men and about 40% of married women, with an estimation of about 80% of marriages. So, as well, non-monogamy doesn't lead to marital failure, unless the marriage was failing before the affair. A lot of marriages survive affairs, even when discovered. Maybe mostly when discovered, as it often takes discovery to terminate the affair.

Nobody gets married and sets out to be unfaithful; it just happens. It happens to a lot, even when the marriage is happy, sexy and everyone is getting along well. It isn't a sign of bad sex, failing communication or anything else. It really is just what we are; we have lots of good sex with someone we love, and then someone crosses our path and we get attracted. As much because they are different and potentially exciting as anything else.

 

[helgaleena]

Nothing is permanent in this world, even 'happily ever after'. If you own a home, it needs maintenance, and so does a relationship. But it can also be remodeled, added to, and improved.

Monogamous may be the two bedroom model, that's all.

 

[D_Sandy_Crotch]

Humans never have been and never will be mongamous. Most primitive societies accepted non-monogamy, and monogamy really only stems from patriarchal societies, which needed to control female sexual behaviour in order to secure inheritance along the male line. But even then, monogamy has been the exception as much as the rule.

Statistics vary, but men tend to be non-monogamous more than women, and a common percentage is about 60% of married men and about 40% of married women, with an estimation of about 80% of marriages. So, as well, non-monogamy doesn't lead to marital failure, unless the marriage was failing before the affair. A lot of marriages survive affairs, even when discovered. Maybe mostly when discovered, as it often takes discovery to terminate the affair.

Nobody gets married and sets out to be unfaithful; it just happens. It happens to a lot, even when the marriage is happy, sexy and everyone is getting along well. It isn't a sign of bad sex, failing communication or anything else. It really is just what we are; we have lots of good sex with someone we love, and then someone crosses our path and we get attracted. As much because they are different and potentially exciting as anything else.

Good post