Monogamy - does it work?

[B_New End]

it does for some

Yup. I have never felt the need to "spread my seed". I mean I wish I could have orgies and shit, but when it comes to reality, I really am a one woman man, and always have been. when I am with someone, instinct for other women turns off almost immediately.

 

[Bbucko]

Props to Helgaleena for her continued frankness and willingness to discuss the dysfunctional relationships she's lived through.

I'm on record here and elsewhere saying that I cannot imagine what would possess me to try and engage in a monogamous relationship again. I decided almost twenty years ago to seriously stop myself from feeling jealous, and it's proven to be both very difficult and a very rewarding exercise in control at the same time. I think that I can safely say that I no longer feel pangs of jealousy, and my last few abortive attempts at relationships have proven me right. I am not a jealous man (any more).

However: I cannot abide a liar, and once I catch someone in a lie, something snaps in my head that turns me into an obsessive person who will go to extremes to confirm falsehoods as my trust evaporates. To some, this appears to be jealousy, but it's really not. Jealousy infers proprietary rights that I don't feel entitled to, nor do I believe that such "rights" belong to anyone else. Maybe I'm splitting hairs, but I don't think so.

About two months ago, I met a guy who met all my criteria and who possessed all my preferences and we started a 5-6 week thing. It was long-distance, as he lives in the Keys and I'm in FtL about four hours north, so we conducted it mainly through e-mails, texts and Facebook except for two occasions when he came up to visit me. Something happened to make him abruptly change his plans during his second visit, and the "reason" he gave me was an obvious lie: a complete fabrication.

As I really was on the verge of falling hard for this boy (and, despite being 36, he was 100% boy), This both crushed and infuriated me, especially as the sex we'd had the night before was so insanely fabulous: easily the best lay I've had in well over a year. So I asked a man of mutual acquaintance about this boy, and was given an earful of real truth: he's a drug addict and "grifter" (exact word choice) who is, basically, a sociopath incapable of returning my feelings.

This news made me literally sick: for the next 12 hours or so I vomited at least once, sometimes twice hourly. I sent him a very wordy e-mail which he first ignored then did not respond to as requested; a second and much blunter e-mail sent him into a hissy fit that made me laugh to think I'd ever been captivated in the first place.

I made my feelings very clear regarding my "truth requirement" once I started feeling anything for him at all: he just ignored it. Obviously, I ducked a major bullet.

My experiences are mine and unique to me; my responses and mindset reflect that unique history. Do I think that monogamy is natural? I can only answer by saying that it's not natural for me, nor for anyone whom I've ever met with any sex drive whatsoever. I'm sure it's possible, I've just never actually experienced it for more than, say, two years.

 

[deleted3782]

The world is made up of two kinds of people, hunters and gatherers. Hunters love the pursuit of lovers and people to get in the sack. They love to flirt, to adore, and love the thrill of the chase. Gatherers like to feel settled down and set. They want to be the focus of a person's attention, they like to feel like they are the only one and that they will grow old with their partners.

Hunters aren't good at monogamy. Gatherers aren't good at polyamory.

 

[zpacifico]

everything is possible with the right partner, sharing your life with the one you love is great

 

[Brensta]

Monogamy works - but only if its what you want, and you have the right person for it. You really need someone you truly enjoy being with, but are also sexually compatible with. Missing either, it just won't work

 

[ladsonbehr49]

I don't think monogamy will exist in the future, everyone cheats now.

I was very much in love with my late partner meaning mentally and physcially and spiritually. we could sit on the couch and talk about anything and nothing for hours on end and this was after we went to work and sat in front of each other in the call center. We were always laughing and having fun wherever we went. People went so far to say that they thought we were twins, I thought that was funny.

All the time we spent together, I always wanted more and more and lets say for the record the sex was wonderful and beautiful and more than 5x a week for 5.5 years. To me he was as perfect as the hope diamond and he truly was the wind beneath my wings and since his passing, the men I am meeting are less than what I want and now prefer to be alone than be with mr slut or mr manwhore or mr gold digger.

I had love in my life and thoughly enjoyed it and if I never have another cock in my mouth or ass at least I know I was loved by one special man whom lives forever in my heart and soul and someday we will be back together again I know that.

Monogamy only truly works if you are totally fullfilled with the man you are with otherwise you will have empty relationship with one man after the other.

 

[Gillette]

The world is made up of two kinds of people, hunters and gatherers. Hunters love the pursuit of lovers and people to get in the sack. They love to flirt, to adore, and love the thrill of the chase. Gatherers like to feel settled down and set. They want to be the focus of a person's attention, they like to feel like they are the only one and that they will grow old with their partners.

Hunters aren't good at monogamy. Gatherers aren't good at polyamory.

I'm not sure it's as simple as that.

Two well matched hunters could continue to thrill, challenge and explore each other indefinitely.

On the gatherer side I don't agree that polyamory is impossible. I think it's just as possible to love more than one person in a romantic and sexual sense as it is to love more than one of your children. It wouldn't be an easy proposition as, like siblings, there would always be some degree of rivalry present. The closest I've been able to imagine it working for myself is with three bisexual men so that no one person would ever be left out.

 

[deleted3782]

I'm not sure it's as simple as that.

Two well matched hunters could continue to thrill, challenge and explore each other indefinitely.

On the gatherer side I don't agree that polyamory is impossible. I think it's just as possible to love more than one person in a romantic and sexual sense as it is to love more than one of your children. It wouldn't be an easy proposition as, like siblings, there would always be some degree of rivalry present. The closest I've been able to imagine it working for myself is with three bisexual men so that no one person would ever be left out.

Ya, its rare that things are so simplistic...and there are many shades of gray. The above is a theory advanced in a conversation I had with a high school friend after our reunion...when she was hit upon my her high school main flame which confused the fuck out of her (the guy is married too). We just figured that he was a hunter, and she was a gatherer. It made sense while drinking a large coffee driving down I-95. :biggrin1:

From my own background...its hard enough to find one person to love...finding two at the same time would be akin to winning the lotto! Three bi men eh? That sounds...tiring. :wink:

 

[B_bxmuscle]

Humans have biological characteristics just like any species, but culture trumps biology in how we organize our behaviors. That's why there are or have been every conceivable variation in how our sexual behaviors are organized from strict monogamy to indiscriminate coupling across human societies.

Appeals to biological determinism in any aspect of human affairs are always a means of avoiding human responsibility for human behaviors.

 

[D_Salvatore Speedbump]

I tend to agree with a lot of what was said here. Some people like open relationships some like closed. Some need open relationships and some need closed. The different variables are of course there. Being age, location, social dependency or income (many more if you think about it). People as a whole are different, if we weren't then no one would have any fun at all.

I think the problem we're seeing in this generation isn't so much biological or otherwise. I think (as it was said) that we have issues with communication. Seriously, how many times has something gotten lost in translation. How many conversations on the net end up in a flame war when it turns out that someone forgot to dot an i or something.

We also (i think lol) have issues with image. How many women out there are secretly rooting for a guy thats ok with sharing them but hesitates because of the stigma that would follow them. Masks are worn (for the most part) to hide certain things we or our society deems a "red flag". The quote "fake it til you make it" comes to mind lol.

If people as a whole were more upfront about what they wanted in a relationship it would be easier to find a mate that agreed with your ideas and beliefs. If they so happened to like (as you do) walking down the street buck naked with cowboy boots on then err yeah they (as well as you) might have a hard time finding a job in that area.

Monogamy is completely possible and yes it could work, depending on the individuals in question. As long as you find someone who wants it and is willing to work towards it. A better question would be how likely you are to find it based on your age, sex, location, income, race and social dependency.

 

[D_Salvatore Speedbump]

Oh forgot to also add sexual orientation depends on that too.

 

[petite]

I think evolution has lead to humans being serially monogamous (monogamous for a short period of time, but this occurs again and again). This is a fairly common view amongst evolutionary psychologists. I will definitely hunt down the book in your post as this is a topic I find very interesting.

This is what I've lived my romantic life by. I don't assume that any relationship will last forever, but that it's precious and important while it lasts and should be cherished and treated with respect. I've always felt that you should maximize your time together, get as much love and romance and companionship from your time together, and then when it's time to part ways or move on, do so with the least amount of pain or hard feelings or regrets as possible so that the time that you spent together isn't tainted by bad memories. When the relationship seems to be coming to an end, I think it's best to end it swiftly rather than draw it out. I remember that in old age, all you have are your memories of your life, so you should live your life in a way that fills your mind with good ones.

Like Bbucko, I believe in honesty. I do not believe in cheating. While monogamy may not be the best option for everyone, I don't believe that one should use it as an excuse to be deceptive towards one's mate. Honest polyamory or an honest open relationships has to be a better option than cheating. I feel that if you love someone, you should treat that person lovingly, not break his/her heart. I've been cheated on and I know so many people who have been cheated on, and the pain of that betrayal is so cruel that I just don't know how one person can intentionally inflict that pain upon someone you love. My empathy for my partner's heart keeps me from treating it carelessly.

I've remained friends with almost every single one of my ex-es and I'm glad of it and I think it's because I was honest and never cheated on anyone and I strove to work on the problems we had when we were together and when I thought the relationship was over, I ended it without recriminations or guilt.

I have considered polyamory and I know people who live their lives that way. It brings it's own problems that are different than monogamy. I don't think one is superior to the other, they each have their own difficulties. Different people have different needs. I've never seriously considered it for myself. I'm sexually satisfied with TheBF and we just get closer and closer to each other every day and that is fulfilling to me.

Polyamory is one of those things that TheBF and I talked about, but in a similar way that you might talk about what you'd do if you won a million dollars.

I guess I'm one of exwhyzee's gatherers. I think both TheBF and I are.

 

[Pecker Check]

One reason given for the breakup of a past 8-yr relationship was my failure to be monogamous. That particularly hurt because we had agreed at the beginning that the relationship would be relatively open but that either of us would tell the other if an outside influence were making things “complicated.” Ultimately, he told me he’d been active with, had fallen in love with, and was leaving me for someone else. It took me quite a long time to get over the loss.

Some say this is semantics, but it’s the way my affections work. When I’m in a relationship, all of my affections remain there. Any outside activity is casual. I avoid sex “on their turf,” would never sneak them in at home, and have run the other way when I thought I was getting too tempted.

In my late 60s, I now live with, and very much love, a slightly older man. Our relationship is approaching the 20 year mark. We had quite a bit of sex at first, but honestly it was never our main attraction. Now we have next to no sex. It had stopped when he was having serious medical problems and it never really got going again. I’ve tried a few times to see if I could find a non-romantic outlet that wouldn’t draw me far from home and would not compromise the sanctity of our home. With a very few exceptions (when I got “no-strings” BJs), that hasn’t happened.

I think there can be more than one sort of monogamy. Sexual is only one type. A truer sharing of one’s life, emotions, and support is another.

 

[B_subgirrl]

One reason given for the breakup of a past 8-yr relationship was my failure to be monogamous. That particularly hurt because we had agreed at the beginning that the relationship would be relatively open but that either of us would tell the other if an outside influence were making things “complicated.” Ultimately, he told me he’d been active with, had fallen in love with, and was leaving me for someone else. It took me quite a long time to get over the loss.

Some say this is semantics, but it’s the way my affections work. When I’m in a relationship, all of my affections remain there. Any outside activity is casual. I avoid sex “on their turf,” would never sneak them in at home, and have run the other way when I thought I was getting too tempted.

In my late 60s, I now live with, and very much love, a slightly older man. Our relationship is approaching the 20 year mark. We had quite a bit of sex at first, but honestly it was never our main attraction. Now we have next to no sex. It had stopped when he was having serious medical problems and it never really got going again. I’ve tried a few times to see if I could find a non-romantic outlet that wouldn’t draw me far from home and would not compromise the sanctity of our home. With a very few exceptions (when I got “no-strings” BJs), that hasn’t happened.

I think there can be more than one sort of monogamy. Sexual is only one type. A truer sharing of one’s life, emotions, and support is another.

This is almost exactly how I feel in theory. Unfortunately, once I'm in a relationship with someone, I want them all to myself. My emotions seem to get in the way of what I think logically.

 

[mako shark]

That is the way I rolled for 24yrs, unfortunately my ex-wife didn't subscribe to that that lifestyle.

 

[deleted3782]

I guess I'm one of exwhyzee's gatherers. I think both TheBF and I are.

We should gather some roots and berries. Winter's a-commin' :tongue:

 

[Drifterwood]

Unless you have only had one partner in your entire life and intend to keep it that way, I am not sure that you can claim to be monogamous.

 

[D_Edwin Eatser]

Monogamy obviously works for some, but it doesn't for me. I've tried, and tried hard, but my sex-drive is too strong. Nowadays I don't bother to try.

 

[erratic]

First off, any conclusion drawn in evolutionary psychology has to be taken with a grain of salt. It may be well-educated but it's never more than speculation. No matter how many rock-solid studies they cite, none of those studies compared any postulate to the null hypothesis across a time span and number of cohorts necessary to consider the research about evolutionary change (or lack thereof) in human behaviour. That's one of the reasons this stuff makes for great reading - it's all speculative storytelling. (Full disclosure: I haven't read the book in question.)

Second, when you ask "does it work" you leave people open to define what "it works" means. Clearly it works for some people or they wouldn't do it. Is it what people really do? Quite often not, according to research. But quite often yes, as well. My suspicion is, as research and personal accounts indicate, it works for some but not others.

Lastly, what "monogamy" is is also up to debate. Some people consider a guy beating off to porn cheating. Some consider camming with someone who's not your husband/wife totally monogamous. So wtf.

 

[Pecker Check]

I like erratic's post. I can believe in the likelihood of a species-evolved difference (for example) between the male and female humans' drive away from or toward monogamy. But I can't prove it. Further "the church" (I don't go to any) argues that we have something called "free will." I don't believe statistical propensities completely bind us humans. I'll stick with my previous description of what has (mostly) worked for me, with the notable lapses that I've also described. The way I do it is the way I do it. I really bristle when smug monogamists inform me as to how I should do it. [BTW, I'm pleased that this thread has pretty much avoided that preachiness.]