Monogamy

Monogamy?

  • I'm in an open relationship, my partner and I can have sex with whoever we want.

    Votes: 23 10.7%
  • I'm in an open relationship, but with strict agreed upon rules about who we can have sex with.

    Votes: 29 13.5%
  • I'm monogamous, but my partner isn't.

    Votes: 11 5.1%
  • My partner is monogamous, but I am not

    Votes: 14 6.5%
  • My partner thinks I'm monogamous, but I am not.

    Votes: 23 10.7%
  • We used to have an open relationship, but not anymore.

    Votes: 6 2.8%
  • I wish my relationship was open, but my partner won't allow it.

    Votes: 16 7.4%
  • We are a monogamous couple, and happy to be so.

    Votes: 100 46.5%

  • Total voters
    215

yhtang

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Irvy said:
Thanks Sorcerer, for putting how I view it so well! And Yhtang, I don't so much view it as segregating sex from love, it's more that I have come to see that without love, sex is really over rated. As someone very wise once said to me in msn, sex with a stranger is just masturbating inside someone.

I'm monogamous for spiritual and physical reasons. Maybe it's something to do with my upbringing, but I don't view sex as a purely physical act. To my mind, giving some stranger the same access to me sexually as I do to my boyfriend cheapens what he and I share. Also, physically, as Sorcerer said, it means never having to worry about STI's either.

I respect your views on monogamy. I agree with Sorceror that promiscuity could lead to STD. I concur that without love, sex is overrated because ideally, sex should not be a purely physical act. However, two different point arise from the above comments, and I shall cover the second comment first.

While sex without love is overrated, this is dependant on the fact that those who are in love are having (ideally, hot, torrid) sex. What if someone is in love but for whatever reasons, is not able to attain sexual fulfilment from the lover/partner? Does this mean that the person is not quite/sufficiently in love? If obtaining sexual satisfaction from a source other than one's partner means adultery, should masturbation be disallowed for those who are in love or married?

The topic of adultery then brings me to the first comment. Yes, promiscuity could lead to STD. However, what if all parties involved are only involved with themselves? If I have a principal wife and a secondary wife, and I have sex with both (threesome or not is immaterial), is that considered promiscuous? In certain cultures, polygamy is quite common - or rather, it was, until monogamy was legislated.

Speaking (or rather, writing) as a single man, there are times when sex is a need; it is akin to an itch that needs to be scratched. Loveless though it may be, I feel much better after a release. Heaven forbid if I should be in a loving but sexually unfulfilling relationship. I sincerely hope I can maintain a monogamous relationship under those circumstances.
 

Dr Rock

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yhtang said:
ideally, sex should not be a purely physical act.
it shouldn't? maybe i missed something here, but why not? there's nothing wrong with seeking physical gratification if that's what you want.

Speaking (or rather, writing) as a single man, there are times when sex is a need; it is akin to an itch that needs to be scratched.
see, there ya go
 

yhtang

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Dr Rock said:
it shouldn't? maybe i missed something here, but why not? there's nothing wrong with seeking physical gratification if that's what you want.

Precisely. Actually, my earlier point was to question how many people can segregate sex from love.

I contend that there is a difference between having sex and making love. If I were to be asked, "Which is better?", I would say that there is a time for making love and there is a time when sex is necessary.

However, the main point of this tread is monogamy. So the definition of monogamy should be raised.

If monogamy is defined as married to one person, or in a broader sense, to be emotionally involved with one person only, then the next question would be to ask how much emotions are involved in sex (as opposed to making love).
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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yhtang said:
What if someone is in love but for whatever reasons, is not able to attain sexual fulfilment from the lover/partner? Does this mean that the person is not quite/sufficiently in love? If obtaining sexual satisfaction from a source other than one's partner means adultery, should masturbation be disallowed for those who are in love or married?
I would never be satisfied with someone who didn't fulfull me sexually. I believe at best, I could be very fond of them but sex is a huge chunk of the wheel of love in my relationship. I wouldn't even consider being in a situation where I had to seek outside fulfillment. It's called sexual compatibility. Without it, the relationship is doomed. I've seen others trapped in this hopeless situation and what they've done about it is only the business of them and their partner.

If I have a principal wife and a secondary wife, and I have sex with both (threesome or not is immaterial), is that considered promiscuous? In certain cultures, polygamy is quite common - or rather, it was, until monogamy was legislated.
I believe the word is Bigamous.

Heaven forbid if I should be in a loving but sexually unfulfilling relationship. I sincerely hope I can maintain a monogamous relationship under those circumstances.
This situation never has to happen. Do you buy a car without test driving it first?
 

Number 51

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yhtang said:
While sex without love is overrated, this is dependant on the fact that those who are in love are having (ideally, hot, torrid) sex. What if someone is in love but for whatever reasons, is not able to attain sexual fulfilment from the lover/partner? Does this mean that the person is not quite/sufficiently in love?

Yes.

The topic of adultery then brings me to the first comment. Yes, promiscuity could lead to STD. However, what if all parties involved are only involved with themselves? If I have a principal wife and a secondary wife, and I have sex with both (threesome or not is immaterial), is that considered promiscuous? In certain cultures, polygamy is quite common - or rather, it was, until monogamy was legislated.

Polygamous societies in many ways are quite dysfunctional, due to the power differentials which are implicit in them.

Speaking (or rather, writing) as a single man, there are times when sex is a need; it is akin to an itch that needs to be scratched.

No - you'll die if you're deprived of food, water, or sleep, but you won't die from lack of sex (even though you think you might...).
 

Expando1

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never thought i'd say this, certainly not a year ago, but a good monogamous relationship has finally made me put having a 3some out of my mind. when i felt that deep connection i just wanted to learn more to see how much further and better things could be with that person. i've shocked even myself...gawd, how a person changes!
 

yhtang

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Number 51 said:
Polygamous societies in many ways are quite dysfunctional, due to the power differentials which are implicit in them.

Dysfunctional from our present day point of view, yes, but there were (and still are) people who practiced it, and accepted it.


Number 51 said:
No - you'll die if you're deprived of food, water, or sleep, but you won't die from lack of sex (even though you think you might...).

True, but I will probably die from frustration if I were to be deprived of sex.
 

Dr Rock

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Number 51 said:
No - you'll die if you're deprived of food, water, or sleep, but you won't die from lack of sex
no, you'll just suffer ongoing psychological damage, which is worse. if i had the choice between taking a bullet in the head and having sex with the same person for the rest of my life ... let's just say i wouldn't need time to consider.
 

Irvy

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I was once told that sex should be 1% of a relationship... but it's a very important 1%.

I can't imagine the situation either where I'd be in a non fulfilling relationship. If that were to happen, I think it'd be time to end the relationship, because in my experience, your partner is the person who should know you well enough to make sex mind blowing. I've been with my partner almost 3 years, a small amount of time in the scheme of things, but as I've been told, that's a silver anniversary in "gay years". My partner and I have mind blowing sex, for the simple reason that we know each other. We know exactly what each other likes, without having to be retold. We know exactly where to touch, where to kiss, how hard and when. We are, in a way, experts in making the other feel good.

Exactly how would a stranger, who knew nothing about me, or what I liked, and who I certainly wouldn't trust enough to tell some of the things I liked, be able to give me 10% of the pleasure my partner and I can have in bed?

And afterwards, what then? With my partner, we can cuddle up in bed and not even need to speak, we can just fall asleep together, or likewise jump out of bed to go make coffee without offense or worrying about "ok, how do I get him to leave now?".

It's not about only being allowed to have sex with one person for the rest of your life. It's about finding that person who you love so much you won't want or "need" to have sex with anyone else.
 

D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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At the moment i am monogomus but it isnt a real 'relationship' in standard terms we have either, we both know its only fun and nothing serious but arent sleeping with other people.

But usually i am faitful to my partners and wouldnt condiser sleeping around. There are to many diseases and its much less comlicated to break it off in the begining anyway.
 

yhtang

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Irvy said:
It's not about only being allowed to have sex with one person for the rest of your life. It's about finding that person who you love so much you won't want or "need" to have sex with anyone else.

I am, at the same time, happy for you and jealous of your satisfying relationship. Until my turn comes, I'll just cum where I can and when I can.
 

Irvy

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It is a lot about finding the right person, but it's also about being the right person. At the end of the day, selfish sex might lead to the right orgasm, but it's never going to be fulfilling sex. When both parties are trying to make the other feel good, rather than just concentrating on themselves, it leads to a much more fulfilling and bonding experience. I've been in relationships before were this wasn't the case, and the relationships didn't end because of the bad sex, but rather what happened in the bedroom reflected how we viewed the relationship outside of the bedroom. If someone's just looking out for themselves and what they can get out of the relationship, rather than what they can bring it and how they can look out for their partner, that will be clearly visible in the bedroom.
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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yhtang said:
I am, at the same time, happy for you and jealous of your satisfying relationship. Until my turn comes, I'll just cum where I can and when I can.
It seems to happen when you least expect it. I was lonely and ready to give into permenent slutdom when my bf came along. He was worth the wait.
 

yhtang

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Irvy said:
It is a lot about finding the right person, but it's also about being the right person.

....what happened in the bedroom reflected how we viewed the relationship outside of the bedroom. If someone's just looking out for themselves and what they can get out of the relationship, rather than what they can bring it and how they can look out for their partner, that will be clearly visible in the bedroom.


Very true.

Someone please help me find a partner just like Irvy !
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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yhtang said:
Very true.

Someone please help me find a partner just like Irvy !

I found one when I was ready. The kicker is you have to be ready to take damn good care of them and be as good to them as they are to you. I've already had 2 slutty ex boyfriends. My partner is awesome. No worries when I leave town, he always treats me with respect and dignity. He's great in bed, cute and has a big dick. Most of all, he makes me laugh.
 

ordinarygay

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does it mean that one really and truly loves the other, so he or she stops playing around outside ?
I am just curious about you guys opinions :wink:
 

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Funny that some of the posts say something to the effect of "I love my partner very much, so we are very monogamous."

My partner and I are very much in love, but we are not sexually exclusive. Our two rules are: it has to be honest, and it has to be safe.

We each have some interests that the other does not share, so we understand that an occasional 3rd, or sex outside the relationship, is actually healthy for us.

There is no jealously involved, and there is no lying/sneaking/cheating involved.
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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ordinarygay said:
does it mean that one really and truly loves the other, so he or she stops playing around outside ?
I am just curious about you guys opinions :wink:
Not at all. It depends how the person is "built". Some separate sex and love without a second thought. The important part is that both partners agree to it.