Monogamy

Monogamy?

  • I'm in an open relationship, my partner and I can have sex with whoever we want.

    Votes: 23 10.7%
  • I'm in an open relationship, but with strict agreed upon rules about who we can have sex with.

    Votes: 29 13.5%
  • I'm monogamous, but my partner isn't.

    Votes: 11 5.1%
  • My partner is monogamous, but I am not

    Votes: 14 6.5%
  • My partner thinks I'm monogamous, but I am not.

    Votes: 23 10.7%
  • We used to have an open relationship, but not anymore.

    Votes: 6 2.8%
  • I wish my relationship was open, but my partner won't allow it.

    Votes: 16 7.4%
  • We are a monogamous couple, and happy to be so.

    Votes: 100 46.5%

  • Total voters
    215

B_Hung Muscle

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Monogamy is hardly a superior state of being, and hardly a paradigm for a relationship. To me, it is incredibly unnatural and inorganic.

You can absolutely feel the kind of love for another person (as described here by the mono-guys) and still have sex with others.
 

ordinarygay

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Sorcerer said:
Not at all. It depends how the person is "built". Some separate sex and love without a second thought. The important part is that both partners agree to it.

That's true. But if one cannot agree, so how could he accept it? Because now I am afraid that I am going to fall into this situation:confused: .It isn't about love and understanding but also how to win jealousy and this sort (I suppose) ?!?!
 

ordinarygay

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Hung Muscle said:
Monogamy is hardly a superior state of being, and hardly a paradigm for a relationship. To me, it is incredibly unnatural and inorganic.

You can absolutely feel the kind of love for another person (as described here by the mono-guys) and still have sex with others.

it is always a conflict between freedom and commitment in any relationship.:confused:
 

B_Hung Muscle

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Agree with you, Sorcerer. It's as individual as the people on this board. There can't be any absolutes on this subject.

My partner and I discuss this topic weekly.

What exactly constitutes monogamy? Or, flip it: what would monogamous couples consider "cheating"? Jerking off with other guys in the sauna of the gym? Kissing another guy? Flirting with someone on the Internet? Checking out pictures of naked guys on LPSG?

That's where I would always fall short. If I believed that a relationship demanded mongamy, an elevated spiritual level of love, then I would not be able to flirt with other guys.
 

DC_DEEP

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Sorcerer said:
I didn't say that.
Correct, and that's why I said "some of the posts", not "all the posts." Don't get me wrong, I could be happy with just my partner. But that is not how our relationship works. The point I was making is that some of the comments seemed to imply that if there is any outside activity, then the relationship is not truly love. But we (my partner and I) are in love, profoundly.

I tried to explain this to someone once before, and used the illustration of sexual desire being similar to gastronomical preferences. A couple does not necessarily need to have identical dietary needs or preferences to be in love. Just because one partner may dislike spinach, the other need not necessarily pass it up. Of course, sex is a little more complex and complicated, but that can be worked out. Including others into our sex lives gives us the opportunity to satisfy some desires that we may not be able to satisfy for each other. My partner, sex-wise, is strictly top; I am versatile. When we have another join us, it allows me to express my top nature (and usually makes the 3rd very happy, too, to get two "top daddies" to work him over.)
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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ordinarygay said:
That's true. But if one cannot agree, so how could he accept it? Because now I am afraid that I am going to fall into this situation:confused: .It isn't about love and understanding but also how to win jealousy and this sort (I suppose) ?!?!

I was in this situation as I described earlier in this thread. My partner wanted 3 ways and whenever he brought it up, I felt rejected and literally sick to my stomach. I ended up leaving him and finding someone who believed the way I do. We couldn't be happier. If you're into monogamy, make sure your partner is too, otherwise it makes for a very unhappy and frustrating relationship.

ordinarygay said:
it is always a conflict between freedom and commitment in any relationship.:confused:
Absolutely not. If your beliefs are aligned, there's no conflict. I'll also add that I've had men LIE to me on this subject to go further because they liked the outside in hopes of changing my mind later. You can probably guess how quickly I kicked them to the curb once I figured it out. If everybody would be honest about their desires, dating and relationships would be so much easier.
 

DC_DEEP

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Sorcerer said:
...
If everybody would be honest about their desires, dating and relationships would be so much easier.
I do agree with that, exactly 100%. I've never been able to figure out the "dating games" that people love to play. Blunt honest with a sprinkle of tact would make our lives so much easier, not just the relationship portions...
 

boots

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The secret is to adopt the motto, "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you only eat at home".

Flirting with others is good, as it makes you feel good about yourself, and that increases your libido.

Fantasising is also good, as it allows the exploration of sexual activities that, if they were actually performed, might be dangerous to the exclusive relationship.

And when you've found someone who is a tight sexual, intellectual and emotional fit for you, you'd be absolutely crazy to risk it for a bit of cheap crumpet on the side.
 

Lordpendragon

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If monogamy were the natural human condition, we would not have needed to make up the word, we would have just had marriage.

Monogamy is the happy meeting ground of matriarchs and patriarchs, but consider that both are those who would rule you.

To me its one of those things that you find approaching from someone else's agenda. For me, love, marriage and sex are three different things - you may find the superlative type in one person, but you have several billion to choose from.
 

Love-it

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Have you ever noticed that monogamy and monotony share many of the same letters? Yet I don't think the comparison is fair if in life you have a relationship that works for both of you, as equals, as friends; with growth, exploring new things and places, openness and sharing.
 

Wrat

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I guess I left my parent's house iwth the intention of having a single solid relationship for the rest fo my life, but the truth is that my first relationship, the first few, actually, were with women who didn't have that in mind, and I got soured on it too early. Then I married a screamin' bitch and got divorced and now it seems like I really can't connect and be excited about having a partner at all. I am completely monogymous when in a relationship, but I usually don't find relationships particularly satisfying.
 

Snozzle

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Sorcerer said:
It seems to happen when you least expect it. I was lonely and ready to give into permenent slutdom when my bf came along. He was worth the wait.

I relate to that, and I'm now much less of a slut than I was, but monogamy seems to be beyond me.

This poll needed to be divided up by sex and orientation. When two men are involved, monogamy becomes much harder to achieve.

And sadly, I wonder how many of the ones in the last category, "monogamous and happy to be so" are partners of people who check "my partner thinks we're monogamous, but I'm not"?
 

DC_DEEP

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Snozzle said:
When two men are involved, monogamy becomes much harder to achieve.
Not necessarily - it's just that men, in general, are much more adept at making excuses if they feel that they have to cheat on their partner. As I pointed out in an earlier post, I could be quite happy if my relationship with my partner was exclusive; but it is not, and I am happy with the way we have resolved all those issues.
And sadly, I wonder how many of the ones in the last category, "monogamous and happy to be so" are partners of people who check "my partner thinks we're monogamous, but I'm not"?
There you have it, my friend. That's what the big problem is. Most people are just not willing to be honest in their intimate relationships.
 

DC_DEEP

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DC_DEEP said:
...Most people are just not willing to be honest in their intimate relationships.
An afterthought, past the edit time limit: it certainly gives you more freedom and more options if you demand honesty from your partner, but are unwilling to respond in kind. I've known lots of people, gay & straight, male & female, who have cheated on their partner. Without one single exception, every single one of them would have had a meltdown if they found out their partner was doing the same. Right, talk about psychology's definition of "projection."
 

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When I am in a relationship I give it 100% and am totally monogomous, I do not see the point in looking elsewhere for something else. The only time I would go after something else is when the relationship has ended and no longer together.
I just cant seem to find a guy that can be monogomous, if I can why cant he?
 

DC_DEEP

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I suppose it's time for me to be semantic here. I understand the common usage, and there are reasons why "monogamy" gets abused as it does, but it does specifically mean "having only one partner, a female", and "monandry" means 'having only one partner, a male." So the straight females and gay males in an exclusive relationship are "monandrous."

Why have most of you not heard that one before? Because throughout history, most cultures allowed a man to have multiple wives, polygamy; but most cultures did not allow a woman to have multiple husbands, polyandry. That pesky old double standard again.
 

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For me monogamy must exist somewhat less as an absolute state of mind than as a state of either being or not being. I had one long-term relationship where the state of being monogamous was unquestionable ! On the other hand, I have had several relationships where the state of being monogamous was unthinkable!:wink: