Morality question

[Hand_Solo]

Well, there was no "agreement." Mrs. Solo split back in September after a 22-year relationship. She cleaned out the bank account and left me holding the bag on the mortgage and all our other bills. I've gotten $200 from her in the last eight months. After she left, she lived out of her car for a while from what I understand. After about three weeks, during which she wouldn't return calls, texts, etc, and me having no idea where she even was, she asked to meet and told me she wanted an informal separation followed by a divorce. About a week later, she stopped by to grab some clothes and told me she'd never asked for a divorce. She came back for a few days towards the end of October, and then left again. Apparently she's now staying with a friend about an hour away from our house. Last week I met with her, and she told me that leaving me was the worst mistake she ever made, but she doesn't know how to fix it. She also told me at this point that she's sorta seeing somebody else, and that they've been having sex, but she really wants to try to reconnect with me. *throws up a little bit in mouth* She then goes on to tell me that sex with the guy is just awful, and that he's so tiny she can't even tell when he's in. Too much information, but appropriate for this board I guess. Large penis humiliation? I asked her why she thought cheating on me would help us get back together, and that's when she explained to me that since we were separated, it wasn't cheating. That's what prompted my original question. I haven't even gone on a date since she split out of some weird misguided sense of loyalty, but that's all gonna change now that I know the rules of the game. I wasn't too keen on the idea of getting back together even before I found out she was sleeping with somebody else, but that definitely sealed the deal for me.

 

[twoton]

Short answer, it's wrong. Or at least, not the right thing to do.

I've been with three married women, all of whom were "separated" from their husbands. Susan was a one night stand. She and her husband were legally separated, pending a formal divorce.

Dana was a very close friend of mine, and one night we spent the night together. Her husband had moved out and she hadn't seen him for several years prior to our meeting. I'd known her for several months before she even mentioned she was married.

I fell head over heels in love with Sherry and we had what I thought was a serious relationship with a long term future. She was separated simply because she moved out. We broke up, she went back to her husband, and eventually got a divorce.

Looking back, it was the wrong thing to do. The wrong head was making my decisions. As for Sherry, despite my feelings for her, it never felt right. The relationship never felt legitimate deep down inside, and eventually I couldn't live with it.

 

[Enid]

Well, there was no "agreement." Mrs. Solo split back in September after a 22-year relationship. She cleaned out the bank account and left me holding the bag on the mortgage and all our other bills. I've gotten $200 from her in the last eight months. After she left, she lived out of her car for a while from what I understand. After about three weeks, during which she wouldn't return calls, texts, etc, and me having no idea where she even was, she asked to meet and told me she wanted an informal separation followed by a divorce. About a week later, she stopped by to grab some clothes and told me she'd never asked for a divorce. She came back for a few days towards the end of October, and then left again. Apparently she's now staying with a friend about an hour away from our house. Last week I met with her, and she told me that leaving me was the worst mistake she ever made, but she doesn't know how to fix it. She also told me at this point that she's sorta seeing somebody else, and that they've been having sex, but she really wants to try to reconnect with me. *throws up a little bit in mouth* She then goes on to tell me that sex with the guy is just awful, and that he's so tiny she can't even tell when he's in. Too much information, but appropriate for this board I guess. Large penis humiliation? I asked her why she thought cheating on me would help us get back together, and that's when she explained to me that since we were separated, it wasn't cheating. That's what prompted my original question. I haven't even gone on a date since she split out of some weird misguided sense of loyalty, but that's all gonna change now that I know the rules of the game. I wasn't too keen on the idea of getting back together even before I found out she was sleeping with somebody else, but that definitely sealed the deal for me.

one thing that appalls me is her callous treatment of you.

i consider her act(s) questionable because the relationship between you guys was not officially terminated through clear communication. it also bothers me that she is trying to now manipulate you into sympathizing with her, by belittling the new sex partner. ugh. you don't deserve that.

 

[Infernal]

The issue of cheating aside, it sounds as though she's made herself a very uncomfortable bed and now gets to sleep in it. As hard as it may be, I think your best course of action is to move forward with your life and leave her wrecked train behind.

 

[Daisy]

No kids and no ground rules, though I guess I sorta thought there were some unspoken ones, but it turns out I was wrong.

It totally depends on what you guys agreed to.

If the marriage was over long ago and you only recently made it formal (filing for separation) then I dont see the point of a black out period.

My marriage was over YEARS before we divorced formally and I know it raised some eyebrows that my relationship with my bf seemed like it was one right after the other but it was a long time coming.

Also if she had sex with someone very soon after the separation you don't know what her motivation was. Some people may do that because they felt alone within the marriage, or maybe as a form of revenge.. It could be any number of things.

 

[Daisy]

OK sorry didnt see your post in the middle. I think she did you a favor. Find someone who appreciates you!

 

[Hand_Solo]

I've actually met the dude, thought I didn't know they were sleeping together at the time. Fucker actually shook my hand. What a chickenshit. Looks like some little homeless troll she found under a bridge. She really traded up on a number of levels. Her situation is so messed up right now that I don't know whether to gloat or pity her. Ok, never mind, I think I'll gloat.

 

[hud01]

She sounds a little bit off center, to be kind. File the papers now. Get away from this woman as fast as you can. I know it is not easy, but for your own mental health and safety you need to do it.

Also consult with a lawyer. Where I got divorced it is against the law to run up credit cards or empty bank accounts.

 

[Hand_Solo]

She's totally off her rocker. I'm gonna be seeking some legal advice soon.

 

[dude_007]

Mental illness makes people do crazy things.
Find some way to fogive her, and then move on to the next chapter in your life.
Assigning blame and fault will only make you bitter (more bitter)

 

[hud01]

She's totally off her rocker. I'm gonna be seeking some legal advice soon.

If you had any joint CC did you cancel them?

 

[Hand_Solo]

no joint CCs, just have both our names on the house at this point. I don't really wanna discuss any legal stuff on a public forum though, as it might come back to haunt me later.

 

[hud01]

no joint CCs, just have both our names on the house at this point. I don't really wanna discuss any legal stuff on a public forum though, as it might come back to haunt me later.

NP..I understand...One piece of advise....Find a balanced attorney. The first one I went to was very aggressive. I gave my ex more than I wanted to to keep things civil, but in the end it was less than the legal fees.

 

[dolfette]

you deserve for everything to work out ok.
people don't always get what they deserve,
but i honestly hope you're one of those who does.

 

[Drifterwood]

Good luck, Hands.

 

[D_Bubba_Butter]

If someone is separated from his or her spouse but still legally married and has sex with another person, would you consider it cheating or infidelity?

Technically, it's still adultery.

Morally, it's dependent on where their relationship is (there's separation & Then there's separation).

 

[light_scout]

In your case it is cheating... Most separations are an agreed upon endeavor, and some states you can file separation papers, I do not believe all states do. However, legally, you are still married, e.g. jointly responsible for the legal acts of each other (legally, not morally), but all states are different so I could not tell you. The only reason I bring this up is in your case she emptied the bank account. I would immediately put an alert with all three credit agencies so she cannot open lines of credit (in some states she can open it in her name only and you can still be found jointly liable as she is still your spouse) jointly, they will notify you (usually by calling) prior to allowing her to open any credit associated with your name. Bottom line, I would get a divorce under your conditions...reconcilliation could be a long and painful road that usually still ends in a divorce. Good luck.

 

[august86]

Tend to agree with the signs questioning her mental state.
Unless there's some kind of abuse, there's very little reason why a sane person would leave home for worse living conditions.

Hope you find some solution to this. You don't want to wake up ten years later when you want to apply for a marriage licence and realise your previous one is still in effect, or worse if you accumulated wealth in that time and would have to share it.

Good luck though

 

[NotSoDumb_Blonde]

Well, there was no "agreement." Mrs. Solo split back in September after a 22-year relationship. She cleaned out the bank account and left me holding the bag on the mortgage and all our other bills. I've gotten $200 from her in the last eight months. After she left, she lived out of her car for a while from what I understand. After about three weeks, during which she wouldn't return calls, texts, etc, and me having no idea where she even was, she asked to meet and told me she wanted an informal separation followed by a divorce. About a week later, she stopped by to grab some clothes and told me she'd never asked for a divorce. She came back for a few days towards the end of October, and then left again. Apparently she's now staying with a friend about an hour away from our house. Last week I met with her, and she told me that leaving me was the worst mistake she ever made, but she doesn't know how to fix it. She also told me at this point that she's sorta seeing somebody else, and that they've been having sex, but she really wants to try to reconnect with me. *throws up a little bit in mouth* She then goes on to tell me that sex with the guy is just awful, and that he's so tiny she can't even tell when he's in. Too much information, but appropriate for this board I guess. Large penis humiliation? I asked her why she thought cheating on me would help us get back together, and that's when she explained to me that since we were separated, it wasn't cheating. That's what prompted my original question. I haven't even gone on a date since she split out of some weird misguided sense of loyalty, but that's all gonna change now that I know the rules of the game. I wasn't too keen on the idea of getting back together even before I found out she was sleeping with somebody else, but that definitely sealed the deal for me.

So sorry to hear this - I don't know you other than your posts, but you seem like a real decent guy. Hate to hear when good people are treated so badly. It sounds like she's ...not anywhere near the same page as you were and worse, kept you in the dark on what was going on. How could you know what to do, or not do? Pretty awful stuff.

On a side note, your original question was interesting, since, for me at least, I thought you were asking, "do you have to have a piece of paper to prove a relationship is over?" Instead, I think now you were asking, more about when is a relationship over. It really made me think about my first response....But I still think it takes two people to end a relationship -- obviously one can disappear like your ex did and it left you in limbo, but what if a year went by, or longer would you have still be 'loyal?' -- I sure hope not, but you might have! For me, I kinda hope that if two people decided to end their relationship, whether married to divorced, or living together to not, than it is over but I've also heard of people ending things and then getting re-married or moving back in together! Not me. I tend to end things very concretely.

anyway, just my two cents

 

[helgaleena]

Cheating has to be defined by both partners. When you separated was the time for you to define what you consider cheating or what you don't. I am not a lawyer, and I'm also not you.

If I am separated, I personally consider myself to be no longer part of a couple and anything goes during the separation. But that is my personal take on it.