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Morals and Myself

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Symphonic, Oct 30, 2008.

  1. Symphonic

    Symphonic Sexy Member

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    Alright, flat out I am strongly against drinking of alcohol though I do not condemn nor speak out against those who do it on a normal basis. However recently I left my girlfriend because she drinks, and wishes to drink in an even greater amount; she drinks primarily to get drunk and though she lowered this intake for me she shows dissatisfaction with the restraints and strain on her ability to drink with friends.

    I left because of the conflict of interest, and while I feel horrible I was told by basically all people two truths:

    1. I am going against the social norm by not drinking at my age ( young adult 18 ~ 23 or something ) and thus I would have a hard time finding a partner with my beliefs.

    2. I have the right to stand behind my beliefs and I should not feel guilty.

    Now I didn't just up and leave; it had been two years with these events going on. I think I did the right thing because my reasoning is solid as a rock ( it's unhealthy and has been a known agent in many problems, etc. ) but I am not asking for sympathy so much as I am asking for your opinion on two things.

    1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out?

    2. Have you ever had to make such a decision?

    Thanks.
     
  2. killerb

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    You should never compromise your morals...just be careful not to discard people because they don't share them...

    Yes I have made decisions similar to yours. I've had friends who got into things I would never get into myself...while I'm not the morals police, I do know that there are certain things I do not want to be around...so I decided to keep my distance from those people...I was still friendly toward them, but I just wouldn't hang out with them anymore.
     
    #2 killerb, Oct 30, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2008
  3. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 Banned

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    do not compromise on your morals

    but, recognize them within the larger context (if you are Christian, for example, you know that you stick to your morals, but do disregard or belittle those who hold other morals, or have none)

    which also means, what is the intent or consequence of any action you take as a result of adhering to your morals

    do not forget there is a hierarchy within which all morals are placed
     
  4. B_ScaredLittleBoy

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    Your beliefs are your beliefs. You are entitled to have them. What you are not entitled to do and are a little overbearing in doing is forcing your own beliefs upon other people; namely your girlfriend.

    For example, I don't like smoking. If I had a girlfriend who smoked I might ask her to cut down. What I would not do is to stop her from smoking or restrict the amount of time she was out with her friends smoking.

    I have made similar decisions but they were personal decisions and unique to myself. I didn't then try to force my own beliefs on anyone else. Even if I may have wanted to, I came to the conclusion that I don't speak for anyone but myself and I have no right to tell other people what they should or shouldn't be doing. Unless the person is retarded or otherwise mentally deficient, they can make up their own mind.
     
  5. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    You can ask for whatever you want. You then have to take the results of that action, whether it's finding the perfect person to be with, or alienating all your friends. You sound pretty passionate about the drinking thing, so I wouldn't change anything.
     
  6. Gillette

    Gillette Sexy Member

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    1. Accept that people drink, certainly. It doesn't make them bad people. But you aren't required to accept that as part of your life if the level to which they drink isn't comfortable to you.

    2. Yes. It was one of several factors in my ending my engagement. Every social interaction for him involved alcohol and beer was a daily beverage. Regardless of the amount of his consumption he was always his amiable self so behaviour was never the problem. The smell, for me, was. I can smell the residuals of beer that sweats out of the skin. I find it extremely cloying. Sleeping next to that on nights he had been drinking heavily was unpleasant. Even if he showered before bed the smell would be back by morning.

    Before I get jumped on please remember that this was just one of many factors that went into my decision.
     
  7. Montjoy

    Montjoy Experimental Member

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    What I'm not clear on from your post is why this is a moral issue?
    I don't drink either, but that is a personal choice for ME. Depending on your particular take on alcohol, demon rum or whatever, I do wonder what you were thinking in becoming involved with a woman who obviously doesn't share this moral system. It's really not her problem, but yours.
     
  8. Honey123

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    You should never compromise your morals. If you feel like something is wrong and you do it, you will regret it. It is part of our inner compass and helps keep us on track. But, you cannot impose your morals or ideals onto other people - they will resent you.

    For me, the key words you said are not that she likes to drink and you don't, it's that she likes to drink to get drunk. Although heavy drinking during college years often lightens up as the person matures and they reduce their intake to a more socially acceptable 2-3 drinks when out, for many more balance is never found. One of the key indicators of having a problem with alcohol is the attitude that there is never enough. Reaching the buzz and tapering off is how most mature people drink. Social drinkers know their limit and stop at that. They might occasionally have one too many, but most often use moderation. People that have or may develop problems go for the gusto when drinking. Blackouts are not normal, they are actually one of the first - and strongest - signs that there is a problem.

    When I was 19 years old I was such a mess that my step-father intervened and took me to an AA meeting. It took a few more confrontations with him before I went back the second time, but I haven't had a drink since and will never regret having made the choice to live without drinking. I believe that I am alive and well because of it.

    Which is better? To fit in and do what others do? Or, to be happy healthy and alive with integrity?
     
    #8 Honey123, Oct 30, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2008
  9. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    don't be that severe on others. Okey binge drinking is not good, but a frink once in a while isn't bad. I rarely drink alcohol, but don't mind others drinking it if they don't dorce me to drink too.
     
  10. B_Artful Dodger

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    1) DO NOT DROP YOUR MORALS! Stick with em mate, people will respect you way more if you stick to your guns... Dont be a sheep. You can always have just as much of a good time staying sober (and i guarantee you will be the one still smiling in the morning. lol)
    However dont pressure others into feeling guilty or anythin... Just live and let live :smile:

    2) I've never personally had to make a similar decision... but one of my mates had to leave a gf, cus she was a smoker and hes an asthmatic. She wasn't willing to give it up so he decided it couldn't work. I know your reason wasn't medical... but its similar. lol
     
  11. Xcuze

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    frink?

    Fuck + Drink = Frink


    :biggrin1:
     
  12. B_Artful Dodger

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    Lol. I like that thinking :biggrin1:
     
  13. exwhyzee

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    Drinking aside, there is no obligation that you have to date anyone. I hear that there are some people who never date anyone their whole life. Its up to you.

    Not recently. I try to recongnize that my way isn't always the right way(especially the older I get) and that people with different values can often be of great value to me (to some extent). I try to stay open minded.
     
    #13 exwhyzee, Oct 30, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2008
  14. D_Portelay Porquesword

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    1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out? I see two questions, so here are two opinions: 1. Accepting that people drink, understanding it has nothing to do with you. It merely is, unless you choose to participate. 2. Sacrificing anything you believe in, in order to fit in is never a good idea. Finding a happy medium is key, sure you can socialize with these people to an extent. If you are TRULY happy with your decision to not drink, then it won't be a problem for you to obey the impulse to leave after a point and be somewhere else you are more comfortable.

    2. Have you ever had to make such a decision? Yes. Many times. I also failed many times and as a result paid a very high price for the lesson in not trusting and following through with what I felt was right for myself. This applies to many other aspects to living as I see it. Good luck with everything!!!!
     
  15. fak_et

    fak_et Experimental Member

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    Fuck morals, everything in moderation and use common sense.
     
  16. Charles Finn

    Charles Finn Expert Member

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    I do not drink often it is a choice
    I resent the fact that you can get drunk but i can't have my weed thats just wrong plus i come from a family of drunks and i worked in a bar for 2 years
     
  17. nicenycdick

    nicenycdick Sexy Member

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    Believe what you believe. Feel what you feel. Desire what you desire.

    You must, however, live with the consequences. Every decision, every choice we make in life both opens us possibilities and slams some doors shut. The balance is up to you.

    Many cultures absolutely forbid the consumption of alcohol. Some people refuse to use modern machinery. My brother will not eat asparagus.

    Never apologize for your convictions...or your decision to modify them.
     
  18. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    Yeah frink, I like my idea that i didn't knew before :biggrin1:
     
  19. dc9

    dc9 Sexy Member

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    Well I recently left a very long relationship for many reasons, and one of them was because I am trying to maintain my sobriety and I was not being given the opportunity to go to AA meetings.
    I have moved in with a man who does drink, but supports my decision not to and my need for support.
    So I can see why this is an important issue for you.
    Best of luck my friend.
    DC
     
  20. SilverSoldier

    SilverSoldier Experimental Member

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    As stated, stick to your morals. I never drank, and am past 50 and have no desire to drink now. However, I have friends who do, and I go to bars occasionally to socialize with them. I've learned that a social drink is one thing. Getting plastered constantly is another. People who need to get drunk in social situations to feel comfortable, I usually avoid. I'm not judging them, it's just that I don't get to know who they are without being drunk.

    It's hard, when you make such decisions, to not judge others. But with a little experience, some patience, and a little maturity, you can keep your morals, not be another person's judge, and still be happy about all of it. I've never regretted my decision to not drink. When people ask why I don't drink, I just say I have personal reasons and leave it at that. Some admire my decision, while others clearly deride it. Those who deride I usually just don't acknowledge, although once I told the guy that wasn't deriding his decision to drink. Later, we had a pleasant conversation.

    Stick to you guns about your decisions, and it sounds like your friend may be drinking too much. But that's her decision, not yours. The way to handle it is to say you like being around her when she's not drunk, and so you'll limit your interaction with her to when she's sober.

    Just my thoughts.
     
  21. plumbr

    plumbr Experimental Member

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    1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out?

    My belief is that drinking shouldn't be associated with morals. People make a choice to drink, smoke, gamble, etc. The consequences of these things, however, can reflect their morals. If you drink responsibly, chances are you are less inclined to do "sin." I have friends that drink socially to network and never get drunk. To him, I believe that it does more good than harm. If you don't drink because you're allergic or have any health problems, then I agree with you about not drinking a drop. But if you choose not to drink because it is a bad "moral," then you shunned yourself of an experience you can learn about. You can decide what you want after you have had a drink. And if you did but still hate drinking then don't drink.

    2. Have you ever had to make such a decision?

    I shunned my friend that I've grew up with because she started to drag her drinking problems into other people's lives. I never persecuted her because she was drinking, in fact, I encouraged her to drink responsibly and enjoy the social aspects of it. I cannot remember how many times I told her to becareful and be wary of the people you're drinking with. I warned her the possible about the consequences of drinking. But after all that advice, she seemed to take my word lightly. I started to shun her because she started blaming me for a problem and refused my help. In short, my close friend was a victim of an argument and she, first, placed blame onto herself and then onto me when I was never ever even involved with the problem. It took me quite a while to consider shunning her, but I eventually did it.
     
  22. Symphonic

    Symphonic Sexy Member

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    I agree. It's not her problem. I left saying that.

    I did not guilt trip her; she simply felt bad that I felt this way.
     
  23. Symphonic

    Symphonic Sexy Member

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    I agree with this but it seems so awkward to me to have this schism between us. I think about it and hanging out with her only works as long as she doesn't get on my case for not being "sociable and friendly". She wants me to hang out with her drinking buddies but... I don't drink.

    This also puts in a tough spot. I can't spend many holidays and other things with her because she decides to drink those days such as this halloween. I did have a little plan but she went and said she wouldn't because she was going off with her friends.

    It was then I realized that every special occassion would end the same; whether it be her birthday or something festive. I wish it was so simple that I could overlook, but I did that for far too long to begin with I guess. :/

    Thank you though; thank you all. I feel better about my decision to uphold my beliefs.

    Note: I did not coerce her to act like this; I also explained it was my problem and my decision. I don't know if she understood but I tried to be as civil as I could about it in the end.
     
  24. Principessa

    Principessa Expert Member

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  25. naughty

    naughty Sexy Member

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Don't feel bad for one second. Everyday we all make judgement calls as to what is right for us and what isnt. Though you dont want to judge this young lady , if she is to be a part of your life then her actions and decisions will affect you. Roll the tape forward a few years...if she is clearly showing signs of alcohol addiction now think what it may be like years down the road. Will your quality of life with her be worth the choice of staying?

    You dont have to be cruel, but her choice is to drink...so your choice is to leave. You will find someone who fits your way of looking at the world. This is one of those things that we call a deal breaker. Each of us has them they just may be different things.
     
  26. bguy

    bguy Experimental Member

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    You can't control other people, you can only control yourself. So set your boundaries of what is acceptable for you to do or be around. Communicate simply and kindly that you are not interested in drinking and not interested in being around someone who drinks to get drunk. Then they know your boundaries and if they choose to get plastered you're not going to be sticking around. It's their choice.
     
  27. silvertriumph2

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    Yes, I have. Twice, actually. I no longer drink, although I did a lot of it
    when I was in the Navy and at university. I had a GF who drank more than I did, and I
    tried to match her.....to "Fit In." I got really drunk and became very sick, very, very sick.
    Actually I had alcohol poisoning and spent 4 days in the hospital. I thought I would die,
    but was afraid I wouldn't! Afterwards I told her I didn't want to drink ever again, but she
    tried to push me into continuing "for her sake and to Fit In." After many arguments, I left
    her.

    Another time, I had a BF whom I discovered was a secret alcoholic. He wanted me to help
    him quit, but wouldn't cooperate. After he almost killed both of us in an car accident, I
    knew he wouldn't change, so I broke up with him. He later died with his BF in a boating
    accident.....the accident report stated they both were drunk. My desire to live was a
    lot stronger than his was.

    So, stick to your guns and live the life you want to live. It will be better in the long run.
     
  28. Notaguru2

    Notaguru2 Experimental Member

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    OP, keep your standards as others share them too. You'll find her. Just like if I meet a woman and regardless of her looks, if she's a smoker... no chance.
     
  29. Cowabanga

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    For some people that can't metabolize the alcohol it can be a problem and for others they can moderate the habits. I suggest do what works for you, but also be aware that others may not have the same problem with drinking. Moderation of alcohol have proven to be beneficial to your health, and too much can undo the benefit and cause considerable damages.

    I often felt the same thing when it came to doing illegal drugs, when it seems more than 50% of the population smoke weeds. Back in the 80's it was cocaine. All I can say those that can't moderate drinking or stay away from other harmful habits don't live that long. Im 46 and already I am seeing my old mutual friends dropping off like flies. They're about the same age as me, but look several decade older. I teach Bootcamp to majority of people half my age. You can't push people to conform to your standard, but you can lead by example and attract the same minded spirit.
     
  30. Phil Ayesho

    Phil Ayesho Superior Member

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    Yes. I had to.

    My first wife drank when we first lived together.
    IT became clear to me that she could not pass a liquor store on her way home without buying some wine.
    Having come from a family with lots of drinking issues, I had no interest in having to live with an alchoholic...
    So we split.

    About a year later we got back together because she told me she had Quit drinking.

    We got back together and for a few years everything was wonderful, we got married... and then she had a baby... And immediately started drinking again... I guess because the ground rules had changed- she knew I would not easily walk out on my kid.

    It was not until then that I realized that asking her to NOT drink was something she had ALWAYS resented.
    And that resentment built.

    Short version is that I endured 12 more years of cyclical alcoholism, 2 separations and terrific heartache before the divorce.


    My current wife drinks... but not to excess... not to the point of passing out.

    If you don't like drinking, Don't.

    If you like a girl who does... the key thing to identify is whether she drinks excessively.

    If she drinks EVERY night, if she falls asleep at 8 and wakes at 3 AM unable to get back to sleep, if she treats you or others badly when she is tipsey or drink... if she drinks even when she is alone...

    All of these indicate a serious drinking issue.

    In cases such as these. run for the hills... it will save you incalculable heartache.


    If you find a girl who drinks but in moderation... then, above all, DO NOT TRY TO GET HER TO CUT BACK OR STOP...

    She will come to resent any control you impose on her behavior, and that will poison the relationship over the long term.
     
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