Morals and Myself

[plumbr]

1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out?

My belief is that drinking shouldn't be associated with morals. People make a choice to drink, smoke, gamble, etc. The consequences of these things, however, can reflect their morals. If you drink responsibly, chances are you are less inclined to do "sin." I have friends that drink socially to network and never get drunk. To him, I believe that it does more good than harm. If you don't drink because you're allergic or have any health problems, then I agree with you about not drinking a drop. But if you choose not to drink because it is a bad "moral," then you shunned yourself of an experience you can learn about. You can decide what you want after you have had a drink. And if you did but still hate drinking then don't drink.

2. Have you ever had to make such a decision?

I shunned my friend that I've grew up with because she started to drag her drinking problems into other people's lives. I never persecuted her because she was drinking, in fact, I encouraged her to drink responsibly and enjoy the social aspects of it. I cannot remember how many times I told her to becareful and be wary of the people you're drinking with. I warned her the possible about the consequences of drinking. But after all that advice, she seemed to take my word lightly. I started to shun her because she started blaming me for a problem and refused my help. In short, my close friend was a victim of an argument and she, first, placed blame onto herself and then onto me when I was never ever even involved with the problem. It took me quite a while to consider shunning her, but I eventually did it.

 

[Symphonic]

What I'm not clear on from your post is why this is a moral issue?
I don't drink either, but that is a personal choice for ME. Depending on your particular take on alcohol, demon rum or whatever, I do wonder what you were thinking in becoming involved with a woman who obviously doesn't share this moral system. It's really not her problem, but yours.

I agree. It's not her problem. I left saying that.

I did not guilt trip her; she simply felt bad that I felt this way.

 

[Symphonic]

As stated, stick to your morals. I never drank, and am past 50 and have no desire to drink now. However, I have friends who do, and I go to bars occasionally to socialize with them. I've learned that a social drink is one thing. Getting plastered constantly is another. People who need to get drunk in social situations to feel comfortable, I usually avoid. I'm not judging them, it's just that I don't get to know who they are without being drunk.

It's hard, when you make such decisions, to not judge others. But with a little experience, some patience, and a little maturity, you can keep your morals, not be another person's judge, and still be happy about all of it. I've never regretted my decision to not drink. When people ask why I don't drink, I just say I have personal reasons and leave it at that. Some admire my decision, while others clearly deride it. Those who deride I usually just don't acknowledge, although once I told the guy that wasn't deriding his decision to drink. Later, we had a pleasant conversation.

Stick to you guns about your decisions, and it sounds like your friend may be drinking too much. But that's her decision, not yours. The way to handle it is to say you like being around her when she's not drunk, and so you'll limit your interaction with her to when she's sober.

Just my thoughts.

I agree with this but it seems so awkward to me to have this schism between us. I think about it and hanging out with her only works as long as she doesn't get on my case for not being "sociable and friendly". She wants me to hang out with her drinking buddies but... I don't drink.

This also puts in a tough spot. I can't spend many holidays and other things with her because she decides to drink those days such as this halloween. I did have a little plan but she went and said she wouldn't because she was going off with her friends.

It was then I realized that every special occassion would end the same; whether it be her birthday or something festive. I wish it was so simple that I could overlook, but I did that for far too long to begin with I guess. :/

Thank you though; thank you all. I feel better about my decision to uphold my beliefs.

Note: I did not coerce her to act like this; I also explained it was my problem and my decision. I don't know if she understood but I tried to be as civil as I could about it in the end.

 

[Principessa]

she drinks primarily to get drunk and though she lowered this intake for me she shows dissatisfaction with the restraints and strain on her ability to drink with friends.
Drinking to get drunk is a sign of alcoholism. You were right to break up with her eve though it was difficult.

1. I am going against the social norm by not drinking at my age ( young adult 18 ~ 23 or something ) and thus I would have a hard time finding a partner with my beliefs.

That may be true but I see no reason to compromise yourself.

2. I have the right to stand behind my beliefs and I should not feel guilty. QFT!

1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out?

Hell No! Don't you dare compromise yourself or your morals.

2. Have you ever had to make such a decision?

I empathize, I only lasted 18 months with the alcoholic I dated in my late teens. :frown1:


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1. Accept that people drink, certainly. It doesn't make them bad people. But you aren't required to accept that as part of your life if the level to which they drink isn't comfortable to you.

2. Yes. It was one of several factors in my ending my engagement. Every social interaction for him involved alcohol and beer was a daily beverage. Regardless of the amount of his consumption he was always his amiable self so behaviour was never the problem. The smell, for me, was. I can smell the residuals of beer that sweats out of the skin. I find it extremely cloying. Sleeping next to that on nights he had been drinking heavily was unpleasant. Even if he showered before bed the smell would be back by morning.

Before I get jumped on please remember that this was just one of many factors that went into my decision.

I'm not gonna jump on you. IMO, what you have said is reason enough. I'm sure he had good qualities too which made dumping him difficult.:frown1:

don't be that severe on others. Okey binge drinking is not good, but a drink once in a while isn't bad. I rarely drink alcohol, but don't mind others drinking it if they don't force me to drink too.

I'm the same way. :smile: You should find that as you get older people are less shocked that you don't always want to drink. That's been the case for me.

Drinking aside, there is no obligation that you have to date anyone. I hear that there are some people who never date anyone their whole life. Its up to you.

That's a horrible choice to make. I can live without alcohol, but not without love.

Not recently. I try to recongnize that my way isn't always the right way(especially the older I get) and that people with different values can often be of great value to me (to some extent). I try to stay open minded.

True,

I do not drink often it is a choice

I resent the fact that you can get drunk but i can't have my weed thats just wrong plus i come from a family of drunks and i worked in a bar for 2 years

fftopic: More importantly, as I am sure you already know, weed is illegal! :duh: You are comparing apples and oranges. You grew up with alcoholics so you don't drink. That's not uncommon. Nor is choosing weed to mask the pain you must have endured.:frown1:

Many cultures absolutely forbid the consumption of alcohol. Some people refuse to use modern machinery. My brother will not eat asparagus.

Never apologize for your convictions...or your decision to modify them.

QFT!

 

[naughty]

Don't feel bad for one second. Everyday we all make judgement calls as to what is right for us and what isnt. Though you dont want to judge this young lady , if she is to be a part of your life then her actions and decisions will affect you. Roll the tape forward a few years...if she is clearly showing signs of alcohol addiction now think what it may be like years down the road. Will your quality of life with her be worth the choice of staying?

You dont have to be cruel, but her choice is to drink...so your choice is to leave. You will find someone who fits your way of looking at the world. This is one of those things that we call a deal breaker. Each of us has them they just may be different things.

 

[bguy]

You can't control other people, you can only control yourself. So set your boundaries of what is acceptable for you to do or be around. Communicate simply and kindly that you are not interested in drinking and not interested in being around someone who drinks to get drunk. Then they know your boundaries and if they choose to get plastered you're not going to be sticking around. It's their choice.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Alright, flat out I am strongly against drinking of alcohol though I do not condemn nor speak out against those who do it on a normal basis. However recently I left my girlfriend because she drinks, and wishes to drink in an even greater amount; she drinks primarily to get drunk and though she lowered this intake for me she shows dissatisfaction with the restraints and strain on her ability to drink with friends.
If she drinks to get drunk....then she already is, or is becoming an alcoholic.
It can ruin a relationship...I know, because it happened to me too.

I left because of the conflict of interest, and while I feel horrible I was told by basically all people two truths:

1. I am going against the social norm by not drinking at my age ( young adult 18 ~ 23 or something ) and thus I would have a hard time finding a partner with my beliefs.
NO, you are not! I do not believe that ALL young adults MUST drink to
be accepted or find a partner. And, most people look for "like beliefs" when looking for
a partner. Or, I would think so.

2. I have the right to stand behind my beliefs and I should not feel guilty.
YES you do. Don't comprimise your beliefs, nor feel guilty.

Now I didn't just up and leave; it had been two years with these events going on. I think I did the right thing because my reasoning is solid as a rock ( it's unhealthy and has been a known agent in many problems, etc. ) but I am not asking for sympathy so much as I am asking for your opinion on two things.

1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out?
Yes, you should accept that other people drink, but that is their choice to make.
You should never have to comprimise your morals to "fit in." You have the right to chose
those that you want to hang with. You will be better off in the end and you will find that
you will be respected more for it.

2. Have you ever had to make such a decision?

Thanks.

Yes, I have. Twice, actually. I no longer drink, although I did a lot of it
when I was in the Navy and at university. I had a GF who drank more than I did, and I
tried to match her.....to "Fit In." I got really drunk and became very sick, very, very sick.
Actually I had alcohol poisoning and spent 4 days in the hospital. I thought I would die,
but was afraid I wouldn't! Afterwards I told her I didn't want to drink ever again, but she
tried to push me into continuing "for her sake and to Fit In." After many arguments, I left
her.

Another time, I had a BF whom I discovered was a secret alcoholic. He wanted me to help
him quit, but wouldn't cooperate. After he almost killed both of us in an car accident, I
knew he wouldn't change, so I broke up with him. He later died with his BF in a boating
accident.....the accident report stated they both were drunk. My desire to live was a
lot stronger than his was.

So, stick to your guns and live the life you want to live. It will be better in the long run.

 

[Notaguru2]

OP, keep your standards as others share them too. You'll find her. Just like if I meet a woman and regardless of her looks, if she's a smoker... no chance.

 

[Cowabanga]

For some people that can't metabolize the alcohol it can be a problem and for others they can moderate the habits. I suggest do what works for you, but also be aware that others may not have the same problem with drinking. Moderation of alcohol have proven to be beneficial to your health, and too much can undo the benefit and cause considerable damages.

I often felt the same thing when it came to doing illegal drugs, when it seems more than 50% of the population smoke weeds. Back in the 80's it was cocaine. All I can say those that can't moderate drinking or stay away from other harmful habits don't live that long. Im 46 and already I am seeing my old mutual friends dropping off like flies. They're about the same age as me, but look several decade older. I teach Bootcamp to majority of people half my age. You can't push people to conform to your standard, but you can lead by example and attract the same minded spirit.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

1. Should I accept that people drink, dropping my morals ( or attempting to ) altogether in order to fit in since I am the odd one out?

2. Have you ever had to make such a decision?

Thanks.

Yes. I had to.

My first wife drank when we first lived together.
IT became clear to me that she could not pass a liquor store on her way home without buying some wine.
Having come from a family with lots of drinking issues, I had no interest in having to live with an alchoholic...
So we split.

About a year later we got back together because she told me she had Quit drinking.

We got back together and for a few years everything was wonderful, we got married... and then she had a baby... And immediately started drinking again... I guess because the ground rules had changed- she knew I would not easily walk out on my kid.

It was not until then that I realized that asking her to NOT drink was something she had ALWAYS resented.
And that resentment built.

Short version is that I endured 12 more years of cyclical alcoholism, 2 separations and terrific heartache before the divorce.


My current wife drinks... but not to excess... not to the point of passing out.

If you don't like drinking, Don't.

If you like a girl who does... the key thing to identify is whether she drinks excessively.

If she drinks EVERY night, if she falls asleep at 8 and wakes at 3 AM unable to get back to sleep, if she treats you or others badly when she is tipsey or drink... if she drinks even when she is alone...

All of these indicate a serious drinking issue.

In cases such as these. run for the hills... it will save you incalculable heartache.


If you find a girl who drinks but in moderation... then, above all, DO NOT TRY TO GET HER TO CUT BACK OR STOP...

She will come to resent any control you impose on her behavior, and that will poison the relationship over the long term.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Keep your morals it's what gives you substance. Otherwise your a wimp.