Most Frequent Married Arguments

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by MovingForward, Feb 9, 2008.

  1. MovingForward

    MovingForward Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Ok, help me out here.

    I seem to get in the same argument every weekend. I have been with my partner going on 6 years and the conversation is always the same, and I have not figured a way to not argue, even though I know better.

    This is how the conversation usually goes

    Partner: Let's go to eat.
    Me: Ok, what do you want to go , what do you want to eat
    Partner: Anything
    Me: Ok let's go get a hamburger
    Partner: No I dont want to eat hamburgers
    Me: Well, how about brunch, theres this restaurant I want to try.
    Partner: No, I don't want to eat any breakfast place
    Me: Well, what do you want to eat
    Partner: Anything
    Me ; What is anything
    Partner: Anything, Chinese, Mexican, Thai
    Me: Ok, which one.
    Partner: Anything, youre the one driving.
    Me: Just pick a restaurant, I am not driving all over the city wasting gas.
    Partner: Let's go eat Thai
    Me: Which Thai restaraunt
    Partner: The one downtown.


    He likes the same restaurants
    I like his restaurants, but I like trying new restaurants.

    We only go out to eat on the weekend. I am thinking on Saturday we eat seperately so we get to eat what we want, and on Sunday we eat together?

    What do you think.
     
  2. midlifebear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2007
    Messages:
    5,908
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Nevada, Buenos Aires, and Barçelona
    Order take out. What? You think I'm kidding? Not. I've posted this before.

    1. Call the pizza delivery place.
    2. Tear each other's clothes off and fuck like minks on crack.
    3. You both have to climax before the pizza man comes.
    4. When pizza man arrives pay for pizza
    5. Eat the pizza.
     
  3. SpoiledPrincess

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    8,167
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    england
    Don't give him a choice, say get your coat we're going to ????
     
  4. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,702
    Likes Received:
    25
    Im a pretty easy going guy. So im not too fussy about what movie to see or where to go eat e.t.c. Giving her the choice she picks what i like anyway. We argue like anyone else. We also make it a point never to go to bed mad at eachother.
     
  5. biguy2738

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2007
    Messages:
    2,356
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Johannesburg, South Africa
    Eesh! I feel for you. I'd be pulling out my hair.

    My wife learnt very quickly that this approach doesn't fly with me. She was raised with the traditional approach of the man being the dictator in the house and she must bow down and obey his every demand. At first I'd argue with her about my wanting her to be a person so her wants and needs were equally important to mine. It still carried on and I was faced with many situations like this...almost called off our wedding because each time I tried to find out what she wanted, I'd be told, "whatever you want is fine by me". So she soon learnt the hard way that this doesn't work and she'll loose out big time.

    To use your situation as an example of how I've learnt to deal with things: Which is what I call the "you said so" approach.

    Me: Cool. Let's go.
    Wife: Where are we going?
    Me: Well, you said "anywhere" so I guess that it will be a surprise.
    Wife: But where?
    Me: Not telling. Does the word, "anywhere" ring a bell?
    (Stop outside a restaurant that I'll intentionally pick that she doesn't like)
    Wife: Oh no! Not here!
    Me: Well, you told me anywhere, anywhere means anywhere so TADA, welcome to anywhere (at this point I smirk).
    Wife: (GLARE - daggers flying at the speed of light)
    Me: Hun, I'm not a mind reader. Now are we going inside or would you care to suggest some other place...and bear in mind that anywhere includes this place.

    I no longer have to drag suggestions out of her.
     
  6. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    So what do you argue about?
     
  7. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,702
    Likes Received:
    25
    Normal things like everything else. We give eachother space. We dont really argue that much at all.:smile:
     
  8. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2006
    Messages:
    4,005
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston,Mass.
    I'll trade either one of you three,{uncut,biguy or nj}for Mr. Ed and your way of doing things!
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  9. SpeedoGuy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2004
    Messages:
    4,229
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pacific Northwest, USA
    I was a pizza delivery guy on weekends during college and you'd be surprised the number of times I arrived with a pizza and interrupted the couple at step 3. Those deliveries were usually good tips because the couple just wanted me to get the hell out of there in a hurry.
     
  10. Alex Chambers

    Alex Chambers Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2006
    Messages:
    309
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Michigan
    Gawd, you two sound like my parents. I have been in situations like this (not necessarily with a significant other). When I am in this situation where the other person will not make a decision, but veto every decision I make, I simply don't ask that person his opinion, and just drive to wherever it is I want to go. When/if the other person complains about not being consulted, I just reply, "you never want to make a choice unless it is to disagree with every suggestion I make, so from now on, you don't get asked."

    Anyway, that's my solution--your results may vary.
     
  11. Love-it

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2005
    Messages:
    1,884
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northern California
    I hate to admit it but I think that both my wife and I are getting hard of hearing, we don't hear each other clearly sometimes and try to interpret what the other said, sometimes it's funny and other times it is aggravating. My hearing loss is from working with machinery and hers is from ear infections as a child.

    Assume = making an Ass out of u and me, assuming what the other person wants or needs will get you in hot water quickly.

    Making decisions is hard if you are trying to appease the other person or be nice. Be clear and concise and if you say you don't care or mind, mean it! Don't be wishy washy and make sure that if you have an opinion you want heard, state it clearly and early.
     
  12. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2007
    Messages:
    5,008
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles, California
    This is depressing. It doesn't make marriage sound too interesting.
     
  13. Ed69

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2006
    Messages:
    2,617
    Likes Received:
    211
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Talent (OR, US)
    Don't worry Jon,it's not realy that bad.Our only argument is over which paddle to use for her next spanking.She can never decide between leather,wood or rubber!I usualy end up tying her down and picking what I want.:)
     
  14. MovingForward

    MovingForward Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2006
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Jon, With marriage is always make up sex :smile:
     
  15. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    12,807
    Likes Received:
    8
    OK - stop there - he says 'anything' but he doesn't mean it... SP and biguy have the right idea:

    Or to put it another way the conversation you outline in your OP stops when he says 'anything' and you have 3 choices.

    Choice 1:
    Do as SP says and just go somewhere you want to.

    Choice 2:
    Do as biguy says and bring him somewhere but give him the choice of going somewhere else if he names somewhere specific.

    Choice 3:
    Call him on the 'anything' - tell him he doesn't really mean 'anything' at all and you know damn well he's going to shoot down every suggestion you make til the 'choice' is whittled down to where he wanted to go in the first place so what the hell is the point in saying 'anything'.

    Maybe you should suggest that you get to pick the restaurant on Saturdays and he gets to pick on Sundays. I don't think eating separately is really a good solution because surely part of eating out is to do it together (?) - Why can't he compromise and go somewhere new with you half the time? He might even find a new restaurant to add to his list of 'old familiars'.
     
  16. NCbear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2006
    Messages:
    1,433
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Back in NC
    I like Banly Manisters' compromise solution. It works at NCbear's house.

    NCbear (who too often used to be the one saying "anything" because he wanted to be open to whatever his lover wanted--but who has been slowly trained out of saying that, over the last four years)
     
  17. DC_DEEP

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2005
    Messages:
    9,029
    Likes Received:
    12
    Wow, 6 years together and you are still having those communication issues?

    Just curious - does your partner work in a profession where he has to make important decisions all day long, or is he just passive/wishy-washy by nature? I'm not passing a judgement on him, just something to consider.

    You could start out the conversation by giving him a choice, but at the same time, being a little more assertive:

    You: "What do you want for dinner?"
    Him: "Anything."
    You: "Anything? If that's your vote, you give up all veto rights. Are you sure?"

    And if he gives you a firm answer ("Let's get Thai") then just take it from there. Don't ask "which restaurant?", because you KNOW what he's going to say, and you KNOW it's going to irritate you. Let him choose the style of food, you choose which restaurant.

    Or, you could start out with:

    "Let's go out. Do you want mexican, japanese, or italian?" Nothing ambiguous there.
     
  18. headbang8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    1,272
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Munich (BY, DE)
    One of the things "your lover wants" is for you to be happy with the choice, of course. The way to know what he will be happy with the choice is to learn what he likes. That's part of falling in love, no?

    At Chez Headbang, cultural issues complicate this stuff. My Japanese other half can't quite shake the habit of mind which says it's impolite to force your will on someone else, or your group.

    I go through a list of options to gauge his enthusiasm, and usually he'll subtly hint through his comments on each (which are never quite an outright rejection of any option) what he would like. I'll take this into account and make a suggestion, which is generally mutually agreeable, or to which one or the other of us concedes. Neither of us particularly mind an occasional less-than-mustual choice, since it all evens out in the end.

    Convoluted, I know, I know. But we get there.

    We find that we can avoid arguments just by being clear about things.

    We consciously take turns at being alpha dog. The dog of the day can consult the beta dog, but in the end, only one guy is in charge.

    We learned this lesson assembling Ikea furniture. Only ONE guy can say "You hold this while I screw that" or, "No, you've got that upside down". Usually, the one who has pretended to read the instructions gets the top gig.

    If we don't do this, we are at each other's throats. This goes for cooking, especially.
     
  19. NCbear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2006
    Messages:
    1,433
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Back in NC
    Yeah. Cooking together. Can also mean shouting together.

    NCbear (whose boyfriend and he have learned not to cook together--one will cook, and the other will "help")
     
  20. ZOS23xy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2007
    Messages:
    5,073
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    directly above the center of the earth
    It sounds like a relationship that has gone stale and needs a vacation somewhere, anywhere, as long as they don't need to select a place to eat.

    Maybe they need to learn how to cook.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted