Mostly Irish Humour

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by jakeatolla, Aug 12, 2008.

  1. jakeatolla

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    Box Donation

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    [FONT='Times New Roman','serif']The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' [/FONT]

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'




    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'



    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



    Looks of Disappointment

    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'




    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?





    Donation

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
    [FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] [/FONT]
    'I can!'

    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'
    [FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] [/FONT]
    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'




    Confession




    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
    [FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] [/FONT]
    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'





    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
    [FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] [/FONT]
    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'





    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'



    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
     
  2. B_Morning_Glory

    B_Morning_Glory New Member

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    cute very cute
     
  3. Calboner

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    If God is an Irishman, I'll go to hell for telling this one, but here it is:

    Have you heard about the Irishman who got so drunk on a visit to Rome that he kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel?

    Okay, here's a nice one:

    An Irish immigrant in the US goes to a construction site looking for work. The foreman says to him: "Okay, Paddy, do you know the difference between a joist and a girder?" The Irishman replies, "Sure I do. Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust."
     
    #3 Calboner, Aug 12, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2008
  4. hockeyguy741

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    funny keep them coming.... :laugh2:
     
  5. Not_Punny

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    Hilarious!!!

    :biggrin1::tongue:
     
  6. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
     
  7. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Thanks Jake. I needed those laughs.
     
  8. Calboner

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    An Englishman is driving on a country road one night in Ireland. As he comes round a bend, he collides with a car coming from the opposite direction, driven by an Irishman. The two men get out of their cars and are relieved to discover that neither of them is harmed. The Irishman gets a bottle of Jameson's out of his car and offers the Englishman a drink to celebrate their lucky escape from harm. The Englishman takes a swig and offers the bottle back to the Irishman, but the latter says, "Ah, no, you're a guest in my country -- drink as much as you like." When he's halfway through the bottle, the Englishman says, "Are you sure you don't want to have the rest?" "Ah, no," replies the Irishman; "I'll just wait till the garda arrive."
     
  9. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Paddy and Mike go on a plane ride.

    Mike: "Paddy if this plane turns over will we fall out?"

    Paddy: "No Mike, we still be friends."
     
  10. ballsaplenty2156

    ballsaplenty2156 New Member

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    You've no doubt heard of the two queer Irishmen, Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
     
  11. ballsaplenty2156

    ballsaplenty2156 New Member

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    The Mother Superior of a convent outside Dublin summons three novitiate nuns to her office to inquire as to their plans when they graduate from the convent school.
    She asks the first young lady, "What are your future plans when you leave the convent, my daughter?" Mary Beth Dunleavy replies, "Oh, Holy Mother, last week I was deep in prayer and I felt the Holy Ghost come upon me and help me to decide I've decided to remain in the convent and join the sisterhood as a nun."
    The Mother Superior beams with delight and says, "You will make a fine addition to our sisterhood."
    She then turns to the second young lady, Clare Shannon, and asks again, "What are your plans when you leave the convent?" Clare bows her head and answers, " I've decided through intense prayer, that I am going to join the missionary sisterhood and travel to the poorest countries helping God's less fortunate children."
    Mother Superior smiles broadly and tells Clare, " You will be a wonderful addition to Jesus' army here on earth."
    She turns with a bit of trepidation to the last girl, Brenda Reilly, " Brenda, you've been a thorn in my side since you came to this convent. You've broken just about every rule and caused me many sleepless nights. What are you planning to do when you're finished her at the convent?"
    Brenda looks directly into the Mother Superior's eyes and boldly states. " intend to become a prostitute."
    Mother Superior faints to the floor. The young girls and her secretary immediately rush to her side and begin to revive her.
    As she opens her eyes, she weakly asks Brenda, "What did you say?"
    Brenda defiantly answers her, "I'm going to be a prostitute."
    Mother Superior exclaims, "Oh, Thank God. I thought you said you were going to be a Protestant!!!"
     
  12. cockoloco

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    LMAO

    hahaha, this is funny
     
  13. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I've always heard it as Patrick Fitzhugh and Hugh Fitzpatrick.
     
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