Mother = God?

[dolfette]

My friend has suggested loads of cracking names and she doesn't like any of them.

that's totally normal! you think happily married couples don't spend months arguing over that one?? she's going to be calling him/her that for the rest of her life so she's gotta like it too. you might think they're cracking but she might hate them. hopefully she'd listen if he hates her choice too.

the kid of a single mother having her surname makes total sense.
paperwork, school stuff, etc. it really is easier if mom's & kid's names match up. my son's dental files have been misplaced twice now, because he carries my ex's last name and it's me who does all the family dentist trips, not my ex.

 

[helgaleena]

Incocknito, your 'friend' needs to listen to dolfette. Her Aspergers' gives her a certain detachment that is rare in females :tongue: Also she's in the same nation, under the same laws. Good luck to all.

 

[Incocknito]

The only thing my friend is really worried about is the kid having a shit name (and being a girl, but that's not as bad as having a shit name).

I don't think you can force a mother to name her child something she doesn't want to?

 

[AlteredEgo]

That's how CSA still works except if you have a DNA test and it proves you aren't the father, CSA pays the bill.

Minimum payment is now £5 from what I recall. Thanks you everyone, she is being more reasonable but still does not recognise a good name when she sees it

It sucks that she's not giving "your friend" more say. I agree with the poster that wrote that as long as the system remains unfair, your friend will need to be the bigger person, and work on a good relationship with the mother. Is there no way you can become friends? Not even for the next two decades?

 

[B_crackoff]

The only thing my friend is really worried about is the kid having a shit name (and being a girl, but that's not as bad as having a shit name).

I don't think you can force a mother to name her child something she doesn't want to?

If you refer back to the pregnancy thread you started, I think you'll find all the information that you need - which I gave you.

In short again. You are fucked, & you are going to be fucked! I take it you either didn't take my suck up to her or her mum advice, or it's all gone tit's up.

You need to start thinking about your income levels NOW! Do not fucking leave it, because once you are assessed, that's it. The powers that be have decided that you are a deadbeat dad in advance, despite her absolutely refusing any kind of contact with your own kid pre-birth.

No taxation without representation say I - & indeed Erin Pizzey.

I have no idea of your financial circumstances, but unless you've got plenty spare, you either need to move to a better place now, AND start lowering your income by chucking as much as possible into your pension!

Ever since they decided that mothers on benefits could also keep maintenance, the amount naming fathers, & fathers paying has doubled. She will claim maintenance. If she doesn't now, it can still be claimed retrospectively.

Do not go to a lawyer if you want to see your child. It costs a fortune & does not work.

The fact that she doesn't want the child's father's name on the birth certificate makes her a piece of shit concerned only with her own well being, & not her child's - the only thing that you can do is check, prevent, & reverse any action where some other guy's name is put down.

Why did you have sex with her? She turned nasty fairly quickly!

Once you are assessed for child maintenance, the assessment cannot be changed without the agreement of both parties.

I therefore wouldn't do any overtime soon, & taking unpaid leave sounds like a good idea too. This will reduce your payment for up to 21 years, & should you meet a nice girl, settle down & have a family, it'll leave you more cash for that.

Those 2 nights will cost you about £50K plus over the years, without any of the benefit. It's about 15% of net income.

You'll probably see, or hear of her about with other boyfriends, & you'll be wondering how all that affects your kid, & how she's enjoying spending your money on things for herself.

I hope you've learned to put a rubber on it now

 

[Incocknito]

If you refer back to the pregnancy thread you started, I think you'll find all the information that you need - which I gave you.

In short again. You are fucked, & you are going to be fucked! I take it you either didn't take my suck up to her or her mum advice, or it's all gone tit's up.

You need to start thinking about your income levels NOW! Do not fucking leave it, because once you are assessed, that's it. The powers that be have decided that you are a deadbeat dad in advance, despite her absolutely refusing any kind of contact with your own kid pre-birth.

I wouldn't say she's refusing contact. I'm just not wanting to contact her cos she seriously stresses me out. And normally I'm never stressed.

No taxation without representation say I - & indeed Erin Pizzey.

I have no idea of your financial circumstances, but unless you've got plenty spare, you either need to move to a better place now, AND start lowering your income by chucking as much as possible into your pension!

Ever since they decided that mothers on benefits could also keep maintenance, the amount naming fathers, & fathers paying has doubled. She will claim maintenance. If she doesn't now, it can still be claimed retrospectively.

Do not go to a lawyer if you want to see your child. It costs a fortune & does not work.

The fact that she doesn't want the child's father's name on the birth certificate makes her a piece of shit concerned only with her own well being, & not her child's - the only thing that you can do is check, prevent, & reverse any action where some other guy's name is put down.

This is a misunderstanding too. From the sounds of it she will put me on the birth certificate but I think I'll get a DNA test. And I shouldn't sign the birth certificate unless the result comes back as mine?

Why did you have sex with her? She turned nasty fairly quickly!

I don't know! Seriously, it was some of the worst sex ever. And over in minutes...cos she was pestering me to cum.

Once you are assessed for child maintenance, the assessment cannot be changed without the agreement of both parties.

I therefore wouldn't do any overtime soon, & taking unpaid leave sounds like a good idea too. This will reduce your payment for up to 21 years, & should you meet a nice girl, settle down & have a family, it'll leave you more cash for that.

Those 2 nights will cost you about £50K plus over the years, without any of the benefit. It's about 15% of net income.



You'll probably see, or hear of her about with other boyfriends, & you'll be wondering how all that affects your kid, & how she's enjoying spending your money on things for herself.

I hope you've learned to put a rubber on it now

I had rubbers with me, that's the sickest thing!

...

 

[dolfette]

i expect she's stressed out too.
and those stress hormones are flowing straight into the baby.

 

[D_Humper E Bogart]

If you refer back to the pregnancy thread you started, I think you'll find all the information that you need - which I gave you....

One of the best posts in LPSG! I am impressed.

 

[B_625girth]

time to make the attorneys richer

in my 30's, married, 2 kids at the time, a female co-worker was divorced, about 32 yo, drop dead gorgeous. we got to know each other pretty well. if I was single I would have dated her, BUT I wasn't. after about 1 1/2 yrs of working together, & being friends. she said she wanted a child, biological clock was ticking, hoped she found the right guy soon, etc. a couple weeks later, she confides in me that she can't wait, wants me to father a child for her. no sperm donor, no lab, no test tube kind of business. come over to her house and fuck her, get her pregnant like man has been doing forever. she said no legal recourse, no child support, etc. I was so tempted just to say I had banged her beautiful ass, but I do have morals. so I declined, she was quite upset with me, but got over it. shortly after, I changed jobs. ran into her about 2 months later, she met a great guy. 2months later they got married, 6 months later she was pregnant. I never saw her so happy. gave me a big hug for a pregnant lady. and thanked me. I said what for? for teaching me what to look for in a man. my hubby is a lot like you.

 

[Stephenmass]

"Do not go to a lawyer if you want to see your child. It costs a fortune & does not work.

The fact that she doesn't want the child's father's name on the birth certificate makes her a piece of shit concerned only with her own well being, & not her child's - the only thing that you can do is check, prevent, & reverse any action where some other guy's name is put down.

Why did you have sex with her? She turned nasty fairly quickly!"






As you yourself said above, yes demand a DNA test because if it was a weekend fling that baby may very well NOT be yours! If the DNA test comes back to prove you are in fact the father I disagree with a lot of what is said here. While a "father" is certainly at a disadvantage in a court, assuming you want rights to visitation, etc., after it has been determined that the baby is yours, you will need to fight for visitation. Do you want to be in the babys life if it is yours? She seems to be already alienating you and that is not good. Once the baby is born, she will find you unfortunately. If you think she is cold now, wait, you haven't seen anything yet.

Do not put money in traceable places. If she hires an attorney, they will find it. And your long story short "assessment" goes up.

As someone did say above, I do agree with wholeheartedly that if the child is your child, you and her have to come to some sort of amicable agreement for raising that child as a happy and emotionally healthy child. It sounds as if she is already not being that amicable at all. It IS the baby that counts.

Another thing you can do if she is willing to do it is sign off your parental rights which I do not recomment but it will free you from any financial obligations to the child.

Dolfette, I admire single mothers IF the father by his own choice wants nothing to do with the child(ren). But single mothers that intentionally keep them away except for check time (for the record Dolfette I am NOT referring to you) drives me insane. These kids didn't do anything to not deserve a father who wants to be in their life. For those that make that choice to not be in their life, good riddance.

If you want to be in the child's life, by all means, at the very least, fight for proper visitation. It may take a lawyer, but also make sure the child is yours and demand a DNA test. That is YOUR RIGHT if you are unsure.

 

[dolfette]

doll, uk law and usa law are not the same.

also, hiding money (if you get found out) could land a guy in serious legal trouble.

pulling out the lawyers and drawing battle lines should, for the sake of the child, be a last resort for after diplomacy has failed. kids get torn in half by warring parents. in the uk the official line is to advise mediation first, because it causes less friction and is better for the kids.

i'm not offended. yes, i did a runner in order to keep a shitty, abusive man out of my daughter's life. no, i do not try to get money from him. my ex pays for his stepkid because that's the kind of stand up guy he is.

 

[redz_rule]

Not sure about the current position (haven't worked for this government dept for years) but the CSA used to be interested with income rather than assets, so the hiding money advice etc is a bit redundant - they would only ever assess the interest not the capital and even then it was only over a certain amount.

There are ways and means to try and get more, but they are complicated and have a low success rate - the self employed have always proved difficult to pin down because they frequently lie to the taxman too.

They don't need you to comply to get your income from employment - they have access to your national insurance number and tax records and can go straight to your employer who is legally bound to comply if they don't want Revenue & Customs on their doorstep and legal action taken against them. They can also take the payments out of your wages before you ever see it and without setting foot in court.

The child support system was supposed to circumvent the court system so Dolfette is correct - advice based on the US legal system won't be of much use to the OP.

 

[Stephenmass]

redz, everything you mention in your above post is done here too. While they may not be called the same things, they amount to the same. Dolf, it sounds as if he WANTS to be involved and she is blocking his way. He may not have too many choices and I will agree with you for sure on one thing. Warring parents do not make good parents and can, in fact, tear a child apart. But if you were him, and you had a g/f, wife (whatever) that was going to cut you out of your child's life with no choice on your own part, what options are left for you? Hell, he doesn't even know for sure if the child is his.

 

[dolfette]

but the point is that this all falls under uk law.

declaring war and pissing her off would just be shooting himself in the foot.

he needs to charm his name onto the certificate and his time into the kids life in order to give himself legal rights.