Moving and Making New Friends

[petite]

How do you do it? I mean as an adult and long after college. Let's suppose that work is out for whatever reason, maybe everyone else is 20 years older and in a different stage of life, or you're the only liberal in a 10 person business that consists entirely of Teabaggers and conservative Christians, or you're a woman in an office full of men and you want female companionship, or maybe you work alone and at home. How do you make platonic friendships in a new place, as a grown-up?

 

[LaFemme]

It's much tougher if you don't have a workplace, but I find that kids, dogs & the gym are good methods. If you have children, you can meet other people by going to the park everyday and talking to other parents; with older kids who have sports/dance, you hang out and wait - always another parent who is waiting as well.

If you walk your dog everyday, or go to a dog park - you can meet other people who go there on a regular basis.

And the gym. Visit the same time every day and you'll end up meeting with the same regulars.

At least these are ways I've made friends outside the workplace. No kids or dogs? I don't remember how 20 somethings make friends!

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I'm having the same problem. I've been out of the country for 16 years and old friends have moved on. There are a few but those were work colleagues not people I could go sit and watch TV or have a drink etc. I really don't know how to make THESE kinds of friends. I joined a gay professional network and a nudist group but so far nothing. Making friends at 55 ain't easy. One guy who is interested keeps asking me out at midnight. He's a real night owl and I'm not, period. It's tough when you're diametrically opposed like that.

Anyway, I'm still working on it.

 

[Industrialsize]

Take an adult education class that interests you............then look around, you'll have at least one thing in common with the people in the room.

 

[BigGlansDC]

I am on the verge of being pushed out of a small, ingrown church before wanting to be a more sexually active gay. I hope to get involved in volunteering activities in the gay community. I am sure I can make new friends in that venue.

Thom./BigGlansDC

 

[Kaurik]

I remember there being some good responses in this thread:

http://www.lpsg.org/250663-how-do-you-make-friends.html

 

[jjsjr]

Maybe you can find social events that interest you... In my city, we have something we call the "Art Loop" A monthly event where all art galleries and various restaurants stay open late or feature specials to encourage the public to walk around (or take the art loop shuttle), look at art and socialize.

Dont know what your town has, but maybe you can find a similar something.

 

[wappingite]

It's really difficult to be honest. I've lived in four cities in two countries since university. I find it best to find friends through a common interest such as cinema, working out, etc. it's easiest to make new friends from work because you're there so much, but I've found this isn't always good because you end up talking work all the time which grates after a while.

If you move somewhere more transient, then it will be much easier. Where I am right now has people from all over the world who don't have family here either, so it's easy to find other people looking for new friends. If you move to a closed community, it's very hard because you are the outsider, especially with people who are hanging around the same friends they've had from childhood.

I've never regretted moving, but you have to work at it to make friends. It's a game of statistics, the more people you engage, the more likely you'll find a buddy.

Good luck!

 

[B_Hickboy]

I show 'em my cock.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

The same basics apply as when you were younger.

As a young kid around the age of 10 I would often go places alone, like the pool or the playground and just enjoyed myself, like build sandcastles.
And once people see you are enjoying yourself you are more easily aproached.
I left the house on my own and came back with dozens of new friends every time.

Right now, the same applies at college and the gym and clubs or whatever social event I go but often I keep most people at a comfortable distance.

I can not believe people saying it's really hard to make new friends.
I see my parents saying the same thing and some of my friends, and they hardly put any time into it and would rather keep it safe and be isolated while all you have to do is talk about casual things.

 

[bondegutten]

the gym? i've been going to the same gym for over 10 years, i still haven't made any contact with one single person there. maybe americans are just different than us.

 

[molotovmuffin]

I like going to the open mic nights at the local coffee shop. It has a wide range of people in age, ethnicity, income and education. I find if suites my needs to converse with people and I have made some very good friends.

There is always volunteering at a local charity or museum. I've never had a hard time just walking up and starting a conversation with anyone and I'm fortunate enough to be a quick study and can pretty much figure people out fast.


Thinkjohnny....go to the Java Junkie in down town Decatur on Sunday night for open mic...and there is an open mic in little five points as well...only I don't know when.

 

[B_prettyswinggirl]

I know you well enough that you're adorable one is probably tagging along with you in the meeting of friends. I moved to a new city when my eldest was 11 months old. I joined a local moms group I found on a flyer at my local library. Also did a mom and baby excercizing class. I'm still friends with some of the women I met 15 years and counting. My moms group had sooo many different women of all opinions in it and i'm in a fairly conservative town in the middle of the bible belt. Hugs and I hope this helps!

 

[NCbear]

Speak to everyone who looks interesting. That's it.

I've made friends who agree with me on just about everything but what party to vote for. I've made friends who are different from me on almost every point, but we have one thing in common.

Although I used to be shy and reserved, I started talking with people as I went through my daily life, and amazingly, some of those turned into friends.

NCbear (who has also joined groups and met people that way - lots of good advice in this thread and the other referenced thread :smile

 

[bondegutten]

Speak to everyone who looks interesting. That's it.

where?
in many places, just starting to talk to someone will more likely make you seem like a nutcase rather than a potential new friend.

 

[deleted405852]

1) Leave the house
2) Go somewhere (book store, coffee shop, shop, mall, movie theater, theater, public transit, etc.)
3) Start a conversation with someone of interest or someone who is having a conversation of interest. Ask a question or something.
4) Enjoy yourself and their company for however long it last and before parting let them know that you'd like to do whatever it was you were doing again. Hell even be honest and say that you just moved to the area (they might show you around or something!)
5) Rinse, wash & repeat until you have as many friends as you are comfortable with or can possibly remember without giving out name tags.

Enjoy!!

 

[B_jeepguy2]

the gym? i've been going to the same gym for over 10 years, i still haven't made any contact with one single person there. maybe americans are just different than us.

Wow, I thought Europeans were more friendly than Americans.

 

[B_debonair87]

try doing things that interest you.

i moved to nyc a year go and didn't really know many people outside family and a couple childhood friends that moved here but i didn't live close to anyone so i had to venture out and make my own friends. the gym, bball courts, bars, random outings. my college also has an alumni chapter in the city that gets together on saturdays at a bar to watch the football games and i have went out there a few times.

try going to a bar by yourself or some other social event. you gotta put yourself out there and be social even if you feel that you're gonna look like a complete weirdo.

 

[bondegutten]

Wow, I thought Europeans were more friendly than Americans.

really? following some of the advice given here, and just talking to random people in random places would most likely make them think i was a mental patient, so i don't know about that.
we don't normally talk to strangers a lot in this country.

 

[petite]

I have already tried some recommendations out and to my surprise what has helped me out the most was a complete accident. It's what I have been using for a handbag lately, which isn't actually a handbag. Apparently it's what some call a "conversation starter." I've been surprised by how many people have seen it and asked me about it. I've gotten comments that ranged from "very cool" and "practical" to one guy who said that it was a "purse in disguise" because no one would think to steal it. So far I'd say that at least 20 people have said something about my purse, which is 20 more than I thought would. One man walked across a room and looked over my shoulder when I opened it because he said that he was fascinated and wanted to know what was inside. Two people expressed amusement when they discovered that there was a banana inside it, which I put in there in case I got hungry. I suppose it is a strange purse but I like what I like and I don't expect other people to notice. I'm not telling you this to brag about my purse, because god knows I don't even think it's worthy of commenting on, just to point out that sometimes what makes it easier to make friends might be something completely unexpected like a thing that makes a lot of other people super-curious.

However, those people are just new acquaintances. I have yet to find out it I will end up with new friends from meeting people who were curious about my purse, but at least I met some people.

I haven't had any luck at the gym, but I rarely go at the same time or hit the same classes. There are so many different kinds and I enjoy visiting different ones. It would probably be more effective when trying to meet someone to go to the same ones week after week, at the same time. I might try that.

I have actually tried taking some classes and in one class I met no one because it turned out that everyone else was a senior citizen. I don't mind that, I had many friends who are older than me where I lived before, but they avoided me. I felt like I didn't belong in their clique.

The other class really had the opposite problem, since it was a college course. Regardless, I made friends with two college-aged girls for a while. That came to an end when one of the girls insisted that I was responsible for paying for some repairs to her car because she had damaged it while I was riding in it and she was driving. By her logic, it was my fault because I was holding the GPS and giving her directions and my direction giving caused her to drive badly, hence I should pay. I disagreed. She was just a really bad driver. The other girl and I stopped spending time together after the semester was over.

I have to agree that just talking to people isn't really effective most of the time. You have to keep running into those same people in order to become friends, in my previous experience. I don't know how to be so extremely successful in order to get to the point that you've agreed to exchange phone numbers or do something together right away, the very first time that you've met. Perhaps that's just me, though, and I need to work on being more forward or something. I live in a place large enough where running into the same person again is unlikely to happen, so striking up a conversation with a random stranger is just having a lot of pleasant chats with strangers that I never see again. I also live in the suburbs now, which I've learned to hate. When I walk on the sidewalk, there is no one else on the sidewalk. I'm all by myself. If I drive to a park where people are also walking, they're there to walk or exercise or listen to their MP3 players, earphones stuck in their ears. It feels like harassment to stop them or vary my speed to walk at the same pace to try to start up a conversation. I have to agree with bondegutten's "weirdo" comment. People would not react to that well and if they did, I might think they're weird.

Where I used to live it was easy for me to make new friends because there was an active and vibrant coffeeshop culture, and I was the same age as most of the people who went when I did that. There were things like regular poetry readings or open mic nights or art showings and if you went to the same one several times a week, then you'd run into the same people and the same groups of people. That situation made it easy to make small talk over and over again until you befriended whole new groups of people. Here, people go to a coffee shop to drink coffee. They don't talk to people at other tables. There aren't "events" going on at them. People go there to be left alone, or at least that's how it seems from what I've seen, especially at the coffeeshops where there are more people my age.

PSG, you are correct, most of the time I will have my little guy with me! TheBF has offered to babysit when he can so I can do things on my own, but he's a very busy person. I have looked into trying to find mommy groups in my area where I can meet other women in the same situation and where I can bring my baby along with me.

I found a website called Meetup.com. There are a lot of different kinds of groups there and some look very interesting. There are book clubs and groups for people into sports or cooking or politics or recreational activities like sports or gaming or dancing. I went to one thing and it turned out to be a fraud, an invitation to a sales pitch that made me feel like a moron for taking the time to go to it, but I think I just had bad luck on my first try and I'm going to try Meetup.com again.