Moving back home.

[kewlkid75]

Hey all.
I got to move back home. My mom had a stroke nearly 2 weeks ago and I have to be by her side. Plus my landlord increased my rent, so I can't afford my apartment now. I am used to be on my own, but things are going to change for me. I am hoping to continue my weekly perusing and occassional answering posts. Come January 2011. I will be back home.

Have any of you going through this or have gone through it?

 

[nudeyorker]

I'm very sorry about your mother. I'm sure that you being there will be a tremendous help to her spirit and recovery.
If I could change anything from the past I would have taken a leave of absence from my job and spent the time with my mother when she was dying rather than flying home monthly.
I wish you both the the best during this uncertain time and hope that your mothers recovery will be enriched by your presence.

 

[helgaleena]

How fortunate she is to have you for a son. Don't be a stranger here. Lots of folk are caregivers for family members and come here to LPSG to get a little networking in. Just be sure not to flip out and get banned! But you seem level headed from your other posts, not likely to get into an online fight over things.

I guess that would include me, even though it is not a parent in my case, but a child.

 

[BiItalianBro]

You are doing what you need to do and I think it is admirable that you are giving up your "freedom" to be with your mom as she recovers. I hope she has a speedy recovery and you can find a nice, affordable place in the New Year man. IMHO you are doing the right thing.

 

[kewlkid75]

I'm very sorry about your mother. I'm sure that you being there will be a tremendous help to her spirit and recovery.
If I could change anything from the past I would have taken a leave of absence from my job and spent the time with my mother when she was dying rather than flying home monthly.
I wish you both the the best during this uncertain time and hope that your mothers recovery will be enriched by your presence.

I want to say I am sorry about your loss. I can't imagine your pain. Thank u for the kind words and you all have a Merry Christmas.

 

[kewlkid75]

How fortunate she is to have you for a son. Don't be a stranger here. Lots of folk are caregivers for family members and come here to LPSG to get a little networking in. Just be sure not to flip out and get banned! But you seem level headed from your other posts, not likely to get into an online fight over things.

I guess that would include me, even though it is not a parent in my case, but a child.

I love mom and I hope that my being there will help her get stronger and I can do all the house work and still have time for you guys. I promise I will not get banned. I like to not get into petty squabbles. Thank u for the great advice and have a Merry Christmas.

 

[kewlkid75]

You are doing what you need to do and I think it is admirable that you are giving up your "freedom" to be with your mom as she recovers. I hope she has a speedy recovery and you can find a nice, affordable place in the New Year man. IMHO you are doing the right thing.

I appreciate the kind words. Mom means a lot to me and going home is the right thing to do. Merry Christmas and a great New Year to you.

 

[kewlkid75]

Hello everything.
I thanked you all individually. I really love the family vibe here and can't wait to keep chatting with u into 2011. I want wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays or whatever you celebrate. Happy New Year.

 

[silvertriumph2]

You are a good son and I am sure she will be better knowing she can count on you.
Just having you with her, I am sure, will be good medicine! Your life may change for
awhile, but you will be blessed for doing it and being there when you were needed.

I wish I had done the same when I had the chance, rather than fly home every
weekend, but I was afraid to take a leave and possibly lose my job.
As nudeyorker said, I wish I could change it, too.

Good luck and prayers for you and your mother's recovery.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY AND BETTER NEW YEAR!

 

[SpeedoMike]

my own experience: unless you are an only child, you may run into issues with siblings who won't take part in giving care. often it's financial. also can be differences in how to give care.

the most rewarding experience is when giving to another.

 

[B_Marius567]

I wont move back home sense my mom screams her head over every Little thing.

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

Hey all.
I got to move back home. My mom had a stroke nearly 2 weeks ago and I have to be by her side. Plus my landlord increased my rent, so I can't afford my apartment now. I am used to be on my own, but things are going to change for me. I am hoping to continue my weekly perusing and occassional answering posts. Come January 2011. I will be back home.

Well, your duty is very clear and you're doing it, kewlkid.
You will be very glad one day that you did.
You only have one mother.

Have any of you going through this or have gone through it?

My mother suffered a cerebral aneurysm quite a few years ago.
I was living thousands of miles away and wanted to go home -- but my siblings advised me not to. They suggested she was not quite that ill.
(What I now think is that, meaning very well, they thought she might linger for a very long time, and going back home while she was still unconscious would do neither her nor me any good. Better to wait until a visit would make a real difference.)
Unfortunately, she had more bleeding and died quite suddenly.
So I never had a chance to see her after the aneurysm burst.
That's one of life's great regrets.
I would do it all differently today if I had the chance.
So, good on you, kewlkid.

 

[midlifebear]

Take advantage of the time you'll be lucky to have with your mother, especially if she recovers enough to be ambulatory and lucid. Regardless, even in the worst circumstance with stroke victims, you're doing the right thing. She wiped your butt for several years, now it may be time for you to return the favor. She'll appreciate it.

After the death of my mother I received a phone call from my brother (a complete waste of . . . never mind) who told me that Dad wasn't doing too well on his own and it was time to look for a "home." I took a family leave of absence from my job in Barcelona (three years) and moved in with my father. He brightened right up. We didn't know at the time he was marbled with various cancers, but I encouraged him to spend his savings (supposedly my inheritance) on whatever he liked. I practically forced him to buy a $50,000+ diesel pickup with all the tits and feathers so he'd have a nice ride to go meet "the boyze" for coffee at 5:00 AM each morning. And once I got a handle regarding how long he could hold his bladder (approximately 50 miles) we took my departed mother's then new Buick Park Avenue Ultra four-wheeling. After all, Dad's new truck was too nice. We drove all over Southern Ewetaw, New Mexico, Arizona, several spooky trips to search for UFOs on Nevada's Extraterrestrial Highway (says so right on the road signs), and I even coaxed him on a few boats and planes to places he'd always wanted to see (Panama Canal, Pyramids in Mexico, totems in Washington and Vancouver, Alaska pre-Sarah Palin, etc.).

Those last three years with my father were the best years we spent together. Me being gay and my mother being a mindless devout mormon sheep had kept me from ever knowing my dad. She had to kick the bucket before I could get close enough to learn I was his favorite kid because I had shown so much independence. Can't say the same for my worthless piece of shit brother who has repeatedly refused treatment for depression ever since he was diagnosed as bit chemically unbalanced before his divorce at 25 years-old.

Anyway, Dad and I pulled off a Thelma and Louise for three years before he suddenly became very ill and quickly died. I'll probably keep his truck serviced and garaged until I, myself, skip off to the rock orchard for the big dirt nap.

Think of your future with your mother as an opportunity rather than an obligation. And if you can, see what you can do to find a gerontologist (not some internist who insists he or she is just as good as a gerontologist) to help you and your mother confab and make medical decisions.

 

[D_Relentless Original]

Kewlkid, I think the geat posters above me said it all. I wish your Mom a speedy recovery and I respect you for doing the right thing. It is a worry too, my Mom was ill a few months ago and was hospitalised for what seemed ages and I was worried sick. We all imagine our parents are always there and looking after us, it is good that we can give that back unconditionaly. Keep in touch and let us know how Mom and you are doing ok.

 

[NCbear]

Kewlkid75, we're socialized in the USA to think that going back home for whatever reason, even to take care of parents, is a regression back into childhood or even an admission of personal failure at being an adult and having adult responsibilities.

But what's often not understood is that many parents have invested so much in their children that they don't always have the resources to handle medical crises--particularly ongoing medical crises--by themselves. Nor is it good for them to "go it alone," especially as they age. So their adult children becoming their part- or full-time caregivers is often the only logical solution, difficult as it may be financially or emotionally.

Frankly, I feel lucky that my father's workplace had such a good retirement package (including free access to a financial planner), and that my father had the remarkable (and unusual) good sense to check the correct boxes in the middle of a 15-year depression/meltdown/bad marriage. Now, they're doing fairly well: no long-term care insurance, but everything else is OK, and he and my mother may even have just enough money to last them throughout their lives.

Many times growing up I was very afraid that I'd have to live with them and/or support them financially while trying to build my own retirement, because they made so many bad financial decisions at the time. But they've managed to do much better than I'd have thought.

Now, I drive two hours to their house to see them about once or twice a month and call them every week to make sure they're OK. It's about the best I can do right now, given the history of my relationship with my parents.

I admire you for making a firmer, stronger commitment than mine. You've got courage and integrity, and you're giving back to your mother the kind of focused care that she gave you. You're a wonderful son, and I'm sure your mother appreciates your coming back into her life so fully.

NCbear (who recognizes love when I see it :smile

 

[FuzzyKen]

Personally, I am proud of you and endorse your decision.

I took care of a Stepfather in his final time with prostate cancer, a biological Father who left this world as a result of liver cancer and finally a Mom who left this world as a result of general deterioration. All of this at the end of their lives and at considerable expense to me with regards to business losses and losses of personal time.

I did this one three times.

Back in 1953 there was a little kid born in this world who had some health problems. There were devoted parents before the best of antibiotics came along who saw that little boy through numerous bouts of pneumonia before his tenth birthday. They saw the same kid through ear aches and many other things that happened early in his life. I knew of the many times my Mother rocked me to sleep in a chair during the wee hours of the morning when I was sick.

The fact that you are doing what you are doing proves that your parents did the right thing and gave you a brain that thinks about more than himself.

Caring for my Mother and dealing finally with such things as lost of "waste control" and the onset of dementia proved the most difficult task of my entire life.

I am grateful for the opportunity I had to do this. It proved to be a testing ground. I went through some of the most trying and testing experiences of my entire life. Yet, if it had not been for those experiences I never would have had the courage to take in a Nephew who was being abused by parents with extreme problems of their own. After the challenges my Mom presented a troubled teen did not frighten me. Each decision brought with it great rewards.

As each parent left this world for another there were no tears and complete acceptance and peace. I knew well that I had gone above and beyond and that I had absolutely done the right thing. In other relatives I had many "armchair quarterbacks" with no desire to help and a great desire to find fault. They wanted no part of the efforts and yet they could criticize.

The only thing I highly recommend for you is to obtain a copy of the rules of your State under which any and all adult/assisted care facilities must operate. In California they are referred to as "Title 22". This will save your rear end if some "armchair quarterback" calls adult protective services because "they" don't think you're doing enough.

As long as you are aware that this can happen and you emotionally prepare yourself for this kind of event you will be fine.

You ARE doing the right thing and as long as you cover your own rear end in what you are doing you will be great.

I wish you all the patience in the world and a speedy and peaceful recovery from her health issues to your Mom.

I also wish you an absolutely fantastic Christmas and a bright and peaceful New Year.

 

[helgaleena]

Thanks for the good wishes and I hope many more LPSG folks keep checking in to the thread and sharing their experiences. Glad Solstice to all who don't hear it from me before this!

 

[mexdude]

Good luck with ur mom, hope she recorvers fast, i lost mine when i was 16, it was a sudden stroke too

 

[SeeDickRun]

You'll never know how much your presence means to your mom. My partner and I took care of his father (who had never been a charmer) after his stroke. The bonus here was my partner is a natural caregiver, if ever there is one, and he became so close to his dad when he lived with us. It was a great thing to see! When he left us to live with my partner's brother (who dumped him almost immediately in a nursing home, where he lost most of his foot due to lack of care) there was a real sense of loss.
Know that you'll have more rewards through this than you might think you're giving up.

 

[kewlkid75]

I want to thank every person here for giving such kind and thoughtful words. You sharing your experiences have made me extremely proud to know good people still exists. Good luck to each and every one of you in 2011.