Moving the topic over from the New Member Intro section

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Beau1124, Mar 10, 2007.

  1. Beau1124

    Beau1124 New Member

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    I just feel like I'm in a situation where there's something I can do, I just don't know what it is and where to figure out how to do it.

    A brief summary of myself and my situation would be :

    I'm 19 years old, I married the love of my life and my best friend, who also happened to be my first love and my first time on August 11th of 2006, a few months before my 19th birthday.

    We had tried sex a few times before we wed and it didn't go so well for one reason or another but we both wanted to keep trying, and didn't think it would be a long-term problem.

    After we got married we tried many more times and I still have yet to have a successful session of sex with her, usually ending up in finishing ourselves off next to each other then cleaning up.

    It's been months since we last tried and neither of us are happy about it but we don't know what to do. It's always painful for her, and I can never get a good rhythm going no matter the position. I usually end up going in too deep and she panics and stops me.

    I use lubricated condoms, it's all I've ever used. I've been given the advice of using KY jelly and getting her to do kegel exercises and other small things here and there like try more oral and work on her with my hands and mouth more to get her more excited and prepared for it so she's a bit more flexible inside, but nothing seems to work and at this point the thought of it is not pleasant to her because of the bad experiences.

    I love my wife with all my heart and I'm willing to get a size reduction just to make it work (at my suggestion, not hers), but that's not financially reasonable for me at this time.

    Any ideas of where to start fixing this problem beyond the basics, if there is anything else?
     
  2. SpoiledPrincess

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    You're both very young and probably a little inexperienced, let her be in charge sexually, let her be on top so she can control the depth and rhythm, the past experiences which haven't turned out well have probably made her a little tense and she needs to be relaxed, so for the time being let her take the driving seat until she starts feeling a little easier, then bring in new things slowly at a pace she's comfortable with.
    In any case sex isn't all about penetration, concentrate on pleasing each other in different ways, and take the stress of penetration being the ultimate aim of sex.
     
  3. Beau1124

    Beau1124 New Member

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    Is there some way you'd recommend discussing this with her? She's got a dominant personality and nature, but in bed she prefers to be on the bottom. It's something we tried briefly but she could not get very comfortable. She's stated that she's a bit afraid to be on top because she doesn't think it's safe if she slips and is a bit self concious about herself as well.

    How would I make this sound easier for her?
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    You haven't been married long and one of the things that kills marriages is an inability to communicate, hard as it is I'm all for just coming straight out with things. If you ignore talking about this it becomes a bigger and bigger problem, plus it's also closing lines of communication. She already knows it's a problem and she might be eager to talk about it, but like you, unsure of how to proceed with 'a little chat.' Get a bottle of wine, get her nice and relaxed and say something along the lines of 'we have to talk about our sex life before it becomes a problem, I want both of us to have a good time.' I've been having sex longer than I care to remember and I can't remember once when I've been on top and slipped so maybe she has some other issue with sex that's making her uncomfortable with it. Some young women simply aren't comfortable with sex until they've gained a certain level of experience and you saying that she's a bit self conscious about herself makes me think this might be at the bottom of the problem. Get her to actually say what she likes and what she wants from your sex life, tell her what you like and what you want, and make sex a game instead of a challenge where penetration is the aim. If you play around with other things -masturbation, oral, role play, whatever - she may become more at ease and penetration will be easier.
     
  5. Beau1124

    Beau1124 New Member

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    I'll see what I can do. It's something she's sortof half-heartedly suggested before actually. It might be something she'd feel maybe, cheap or slutty for saying for me to get her buzzed to get her in bed when it's really not like that, I mean we're married after all haha.

    I didn't know what to think, whether to act on it or not. I'll wait for the right time and see if I can ease her into the subject in a relaxed atmosphere.

    Thanks for taking the time to ease my mind about the situation and offer helpful advice. Hopefully everything will work out. We're both dedicated to the marriage and I know we'll work something out.
     
  6. davidjh7

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    You haven't mentioned whether the main issue is your length, or your girth, or both. From what you have said, it seems to be more your length, which means you have more options. If you have a large girth that is causing her pain, then it is mostly a matter of work on both your parts, and even then, there may always be issues. But lets assume for the moment it is length that is the main problem---try the spooning position. In this position, gravity isn;t a problem, and once you are "lined up", she can still control the depth of penetration completely without worrying she will "slip" and be fully penetrated. For awhile, the total focus needs to be on her, her feelings, and her fear and abilities. Focus on reassuring her, touching her, stroking her body all over. FInd and tease her favorite erogenous zones. Remind her how beautiful and sexy she is, and how much you love and desire her, no matter what. If you lose concentration to the point where you lose your erection, and that complicates the matter, then a cockring can help you stay hard for the sessions where she is controlling it, and you are focusing on her and her physical and emotional needs. This position and methid can help even if the problem is girth as well. Always use plenty of good lubrication--more is always better--if you feel it is too messy, put down some towels. The more stimulated, the more wanted and desired she feels, the more she is excited by the expereince, while feeling in control and safe in the experience, the more likely she will be to be able to accomodate you comfortably. A drink or two to help her relax isn;t a bad idea, either, but you don't want her so drunk she is unaware, or is doing things that can actually hurt her. You obviously love her very much, and she is the love of your life---I'm sure she feels the same way. As long as you are both dedicated to making it work, and working through your problems, as well as have that deep love and desire for each other, it can work. Experimenting is key, and remember, sex is supposed to be FUN! DOn;t be afraid to laugh and be silly during sex as well (clown noses are optional:biggrin1:). I know you both can find a way to make it work! I hope I have given you a couple of useful ideas. Good luck!
     
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