My boyfriend is still close friends with his ex

dolfette

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But I can't give up on this relationship right now. I have to try to make it work. He means far too much to me. I have to give him another chance.
if you keep hitting yourself on the foot with a hammer, insisting that next time it'll be better, you can't expect sympathy for your broken foot.
 

D_BarryBunwarmer

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Mercurygirl, I know that may be the way it sounds when you read it, but trust me, he has no idea what my feelings are when he's doing these things. He's not doing it to hurt me or to get attention. When his ex isn't in the picture, he is the most loving and considerate guy on earth. But the moment his ex gets into the picture it's like he loses focus of me and doesn't realize what he's doing.

After the dance, he said it was the most perfect night of his life and he thought that I had felt the same. It really hurt him to know that he had hurt me. He was genuinely upset that he had hurt me that night.
 

D_BarryBunwarmer

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Notice that every single person's advice as been DTMFA.

Think about that.

Yes, but that choice has to be mine. Believe me, I am taking all of your opinions into consideration and I appreciate them all. But I need to do what is right for me. I am thankful to all of you who side with me on this, though. It's good to know that I'm not crazy.
 

Mercurygirl

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Mercurygirl, I know that may be the way it sounds when you read it, but trust me, he has no idea what my feelings are when he's doing these things. He's not doing it to hurt me or to get attention. When his ex isn't in the picture, he is the most loving and considerate guy on earth. But the moment his ex gets into the picture it's like he loses focus of me and doesn't realize what he's doing.

After the dance, he said it was the most perfect night of his life and he thought that I had felt the same. It really hurt him to know that he had hurt me. He was genuinely upset that he had hurt me that night.

Love is blind. I think you're in denial. There is just no way someone who you call "loving" and "considerate" would behave the way he did when you first met his ex. Are you telling me that he didn't know that not meeting his ex together, as a couple, and being introduced immediately would hurt your feelings? That's considerate? That's someone who cares about your feelings? He sounds like an amazing actor if you're buying that he doesn't know what he's doing. I bet if the shoe was on the other foot he'd know. You're blaming the wrong person. Again, it's not his ex it's him, and to a greater extent it's becoming clear that it's you and your refusal to see the truth.

Look at all the comments in this thread. See a pattern? It's sometimes hard to see things when your in it. I guess it's going to take a huge wake-up call for you to realize the truth. If you ever find out they were together and your boyfriend hid it from you that should tell you they're still having sex. Good luck with that.
 

dolfette

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^^i'm thinking satan must be needing his snow shoes because i'm going to say that she's right on the money.

he plays at being sorry when it suits him and he's playing you for a fool.
 

D_BarryBunwarmer

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I don't blame his ex for his actions. I do blame him. But I also believe him when he tells me how sorry he is.

I am taking all of your opinions into consideration. But I'm also not going to dump him because it's the general opinion of people on the internet who don't know anything else about him other than what I posted.

Maybe I will get hurt. But that's a choice I have to make for myself.
 

canuck_pa

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You've been given a lot of very good advice which you can heed or ignore as you wish. Its completely up to you. If you decide to stay with him there's no victim. Stop complaining and deal with it. If you disrespect yourself that much that you make continuous excuses for his rudeness then you yourself are creating and perpetuating the situation and you have no one to blame but yourself.
 

D_BarryBunwarmer

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Maybe. But you also have to take into consideration that I've only posted his bad qualities. We've been together for 5months and I summed up the negatives about him in a few paragraphs. If I were to talk about all the great qualities he has, it would go on for several pages.
 

D_BarryBunwarmer

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Obviously the problem with this guy is big enough that you brought it up and are unable to deal with it yourself. Or were you looking for pity?

No, I wasn't looking for pity. I was looking to see if my concerns are justified. And you guys have helped me realize that they are. But now it's up to me to decide what to do about it.
 

aninnymouse

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You know what to do about it. It's just easier to let things continue as they are than to be alone and not in a relationship, no matter how shittily he treates you.
 

rbkwp

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are we there yet Mum?

all the advice /opinions are out there for you, digest it, make your decision/s,and live with it

You asked, we offered, and i am sure we will all be wishing you the BEST
Cheers
 

B_subgirrl

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For me, this isn't about whether the third party is an ex. As anyone who reads my posts would know, I firmly believe in staying friends, even GOOD friends with exes where possible. In fact, I commend the OP for starting out with an open minded view towards his bf being friends with an ex.

However, I still see the bf's behaviour as very problematic. It's just plain disrespectful to spend that much time talking to a friend when they are supposed to be having together-time with their partner. Unless the friend is having a genuine crisis of some sort, together-time should be just that - together-time. Without others intruding. I would feel the same way no matter who the third party was.

A friend of mine has been having an ongoing crisis for the last month and a half or so. I've been spending way too much of my time being support person number one. But when I'm out with Sir and I get a text from her, I say 'Sorry, I'm out with Sir, can I call you tomorrow?' She usually sends back something along the lines of 'Oh okay, I'll talk to you then'. And that's it. The rest of the night is for Sir. If it's extremely important she MAY get a 10 minute chat, but then I have to go. Because that time isn't hers - she gets to have me the rest of the week :tongue:.

It's a respect thing.
 

dolfette

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kid, are you sure you don't have a martyr complex and are just using us to reassure you that you really to tolerate of so very, very much for your super duper strong love for him? because nobody else here is strong enough or would love him enough to work through all the crap that youre willing to work through?

...'cause that shit backfires.
 
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B_thickjohnny

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I can completely understand what's happening although nine months is not a long term relationship - although in gay years maybe it is. He kicked him to the curb for cheating but is on strangely familiar terms with him just six months after the so called break up. That's not much of a break up in my mind. He needs to go cold turkey on the ex. There shouldn't even be a convo with the ex. You cheated, we broke up, game over. I've moved on; I suggest you do the same. If he can't do this, I suggest moving on.
 

dolfette

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i am on good terms and in communication with my ex's
what is so difficult?
i really liked them at one point
the good parts stay forever
the bad parts made us split
i'm on good terms with a couple of exes.
i still go on non-dates with one.
i'm not of the opinion that you have to hate an ex.

but this dude is just taking the piss.
 

craigdeanph

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I think you still have to hang a little longer... Ask him all about him and his ex. The good and the bad memories. From there you might see and understand where your bf is coming from why he treats his ex they way he does. But take note that when you ask him don't sound like you were proving that he values more his ex than you (of course at the back of your mind weigh these things c",)). Learning what they have/had will help you decide what to do.

Try to befriend the ex. Then casually ask ask the ex about the things you learned from your bf. Check if their answers add up.