My boyfriend is still close friends with his ex

AlphaMale

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Personally, after the elevator thing I'd have socked the old BF right in his face and told my new BF to go fuck himself and left him high and dry... but hey, that's just me. I don't really give people second chances.

==

Like others have said, it doesn't seem at all like he's gotten over his ex. He may really and truely "like" you, but he still has an affectionate connection with the old guy.

It's one thing for them to be exes and friends, but not to go running off like little school girls and leave you in the dust... only to introduce you 5 minutes later as you hurry to catch up.

My BF is pretty good friends with an ex of his, but I like her a lot and their relationship is strictly platonic. They would have never pulled anything like the "elevator" thing that happened to you.

==

I think you should stick by this statement:

Well, I feel like I have told him exactly how I feel. I haven't held anything back.

I wont be a doormat. If this continues, then I will break up with him...
 
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mhc26

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I don't think you need anyone else to tell you that your boyfriend has never gotten over his ex. You are totally justified in feeling hurt and annoyed. It sounds like he needs to make a choice between you and his ex. I suggest you lay out for him the situation the way you did on this site. If he blows you off, I think you have your answer.

I think this is pretty well stated and reasoned.

I'm friends with most of my ex's. I actually think it can be a good sign - that people are mature and agree to go their separate ways and can still be friendly. Mutual decision, adult decision, fun while it lasted, let's move along. That's how it is for me.

But, my contact with ex's is very limited - an email here or there, maybe a phone call once a year or something.

What you are experiencing is far beyond what I'd consider acceptable OR evidence that the ex is really an ex.

Good luck.
 

Hoss

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He's taking you for a ride.

You go somewhere and he gets off the elevator and doesn't wait?

When you find him he is with the ex and ignores you and starts to walk off?

Finally mentions you like an after thought "oh yeah! this is my boyfriend" Not right at all.

He should have waited when he got off the elevator....you said he bolted off which means he was trying to get away. Then he should have properly introduced you. I see he mentioned you being the boyfriend but did he use names?

The relationship should have been put on hold that day.
 

sexplease

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"my boyfriend" ... as if he's a personal possession.
Monogamy is a chosen way of life. You cannot force that upon others. It won't work for long.
You cannot forget your past, which includes ex'es. Ever.
You current possession, er, boyfriend, it seems, is not very attentive to your needs....and wants.
Jealousy, whether real or perceived, is sometimes a tough obstacle to overcome... but with introspection and usually age, it can be overcome.
Let go. Others are NOT responsible for YOUR happiness - YOU are.
 

SparkyNYC

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I'm very close to my ex, my bf is ok with it , if anything it says that adults can be mature and be friends even if a romantic relationship doesn't work out
 

redz_rule

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I hate to be harsh, but your bf did not fall out of love with his ex, he was still in love with him when the ex cheated on him and forced his hand to end the relationship. He still wants his ex the same way you still want him. Never mind what he tells you to pacify you - look at his actions.

I think at some point in their lives most people have been intoxicated by someone who is bad for them and from what I can see, this looks like a classic case of treat 'em mean keep 'em keen. Fortunately, most people grow out of it. Look at it as a rite of passage and move on.

From what you have said, he is being completely disrespectful towards you and upsetting as it is, if he was in the same place you are he would know he is hurting you. The alternative is no better - he does know and he doesn't care. At the end of the day you should put the one you love first... and I'm really sorry hun, but it looks like that is what he is doing.
 

billybones

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I'm looking to vent and get opinions on whether or not I have a legitimate reason to be concerned about this.

I have been in the same relationship for the last three years and intend to be in it for many years to come. Right now you're talking in terms of months and weekends.

In my past, after coming out, all my friends were former boyfriends. It interfered with some relationships in the past, but those relationships didn't last as long as the friendships. Now, my husband didn't care to hear about my past boyfriends for the first year or so. There were just too many experiences and stories that involved former boyfriends. In fact, it kind of concerned me that my husband NEVER talked about his former boyfriend. Those things just don't matter any more. If we have a story to relate to a situation and they involve formers we just tell it.
 

D_BarryBunwarmer

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ugh I just typed a really long thing and then went to post and it said "token expired" and then everything I wrote was gone.

ANYWAY, to make a long story short, I had a long phone conversation with him today. I let him know just how serious this situation is and that it could cause an end to our relationship.

We came to a mutual agreement. He said he would do his best to take me more into consideration and that he would try to stop his destructive behavior. In exchange, I agreed to let him know if he's doing something that bothers me right when it happens instead of letting it go and then bombarding him with it later like I have been doing.'

I think it was a healthy conversation and I think we're a healthier couple because of it. I know some here probably wont agree though. But, I keeping him.
 

Countryguy63

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ugh I just typed a really long thing and then went to post and it said "token expired" and then everything I wrote was gone.

ANYWAY, to make a long story short, I had a long phone conversation with him today. I let him know just how serious this situation is and that it could cause an end to our relationship.

We came to a mutual agreement. He said he would do his best to take me more into consideration and that he would try to stop his destructive behavior. In exchange, I agreed to let him know if he's doing something that bothers me right when it happens instead of letting it go and then bombarding him with it later like I have been doing.'

I think it was a healthy conversation and I think we're a healthier couple because of it. I know some here probably wont agree though. But, I keeping him.

Sounds productive and encouraging :smile:
 

lopp

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Dear Kurtis Trent,

First off, I am very happy to hear that your boy friend might be taking you seriously enough to actually make an effort to change his "destructive" habits. I sincerely hope that he follows through with this promise.

What I am about to say is not supposed to taken personally. I merely wish to share some information that I have gathered throughout my education. Your situation reminds me very closely to what is studied in Psychology regarding victims of emotional abuse.

One might argue that you are not letting go of your dysfunctional beliefs regarding intimate relationships, which has enabled you to become his doormat. People who believe in the following Galcian myths are more prone to being victims of an abusive relationship. Here are my notes, straight from the power point.

1) your perfect partner is cosmically predestined, so nothing/nobody can separate you
2) There’s such a thing as “love at first sight.”
3) The love of a good and faithful true woman can change a man from a “beast” into a “prince.”
4)Bickering and fighting a lot mean that a man and a woman really love each other passionately.
5) All you really need is loves, it doesn’t really matter if you and your lover have very different values.
6)The right mate “ completes you” - filling your needs and making your dreams come true

There are actually quite a few more Galcian Myths but I am too tired to post them. Just FYI, in North American heterosexual relationships, if a woman perceives her partner to be more attractive than herself, she will statistically be more more likely to accept dismal/poor/abusive treatment from her partner. Victims of abuse also tend to have lower self esteem. I don't know if these points directly apply to your relationship, seeing that it is with another guy, but you do seem to hold his "attractiveness" as a justification for not letting yourself move on. I personally think that if you can land yourself an "attractive" person once, you have enough commendable qualities to do it again. (JMHO)

My only wish for you is that you reflect on what has been said by everyone here, and that you have enough self-respect to move on if he doesn't live up to your expectations. There is no guarantee that your faithfulness can turn a beast into a prince.
 
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D_BarryBunwarmer

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I also told him that I would most likely NOT be becoming friends with his ex. And he said that is fine so long as I'm friend-LY towards him which I agreed to be. His ex technically hasn't done anything wrong. I only don't like him because of how my boyfriend reacts around him.

But hopefully things will get better. And I'm not a doormat and I do have enough self respect to leave if things don't change.