My Dad is in surgery... prospects dim...

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by ActionBuddy, Jan 18, 2008.

  1. ActionBuddy

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    Hey, you all, I did, indeed, search for a similar thread, so please, just let me know if there is one that I can join in on, without being trashed for not trying. What came up with my searches were random and daunting... I need to find peers that are experiencing this. Like, RIGHT NOW.

    I feel like I am also dying...

    So, PLEASE!... I am not looking for "sympathy cards"...

    I'm needing advice from men who are loosing their fathers, as well... especially those with much unfinished business to deal with. What is the right or wrong thing to say... at this time, with someone who is both the bane of my existence, AND a very amazing man and guide in my life?

    I do not know how to comfort him. I just want him to know that I love him very much, although he has been the classic, brutalizing, perfectionist type of father. I am the black sheep of my family and yet, weirdly, I am someone he both resents and admires... And vice-versa. He definitely does not think that he did a good job with his kids... and there is no convincing him, otherwise.

    For tomorrow, I've put together photos from all of our family gatherings, shared vacations, acclaims and awards from his career, things that I've accomplished, our gardens, Great Grandparents, Grandparents, Parents, their wedding pictures, kids, nieces and nephews, pets, etc., to show him when he is awake. I hope that will be a good thing!... I just don't know what else to do... other than stand by him... and stand by the side of my wonderful Mom.

    My family is gathered, and every call could be the last one. Who knows? He has rallied before, with cancer... so this could just be a test. He always threatens that he will out-live us all... lol. God bless him... the surly guy that he is.

    I have dealt with the deaths of many friends, but, not of an immediate family member, other than Grandparents, who I adored and had so much respect for! I have plenty of people to talk to, lots of support, amongst friends and family, in the flesh and online, so don't worry about me, but, any genuine response will be appreciated.

    Other than "I love you"... What is the best thing that you can say to your father on, possibly, his death bed?

    :confused: Onan
     
  2. SpoiledPrincess

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    I don't think there is anything better that you can say, you could reassure him that you'll look after your mum.
     
  3. Drifterwood

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    I think that being there for him will be greatly appreciated in itself.

    The family album is also a great expression.

    Thoughts are with you Onan.
     
  4. Not_Punny

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    SP is right.

    I would also tell him that he will very much live on in your heart, and in your thoughts. That he will always be a part of you.

    - - - - - -

    Other than that, hugs to you, Onan_mann. This is a terrible time that you're going through.
     
  5. ActionBuddy

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    Thanks, SP... and you can bet on it that all of us will be there for her! She is an incredible woman, who seems 20 years younger than she is... So does he, but he has many health problems, leukemia being N0. 1. He's a fighter, though, and so is she!

    (Gawd... glad you don't have to hear them argue!... lol)

    xo Onan
     
  6. novice_btm

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    I lost my grandmother this past year. I know that she had a full life. I know that she was old. I know that it was better for her to go than to live in pain. But she was my anchor in life. She was the person that I felt closest to in life. When I was home visiting for Christmas last year, I knew that I wouldn't see her again when I went back home just this past Christmas. So, I had to tell her "good-bye". I didn't know where to begin. I just told her how I felt. I told her that I loved her. I told her that I wasn't sure how I was going to view things when she was gone. I told her what she meant to me, and how she'd effected my life. I thanked her for everything that she'd done for me. I just tried to think of all of those things that people say, "Oh, if I just had even an hour more, I would've told him/her..." I just tried to think, "What would I really regret not being able to tell her?" Those were the last things that I said to her.

    Also, you may want to think about what you want to hear. That is, are there any questions that you want answered? Family history? Any other questions that only he'll be able to answer?

    I'm sorry to hear that you're facing this. It's one of those things that you just have to endure, and there's no easy way through it. I know, that's not very encouraging, but anyone that tells you that dealing with the death of someone close to you is easy, bluntly, is lying. You said that you have support around you. That's something to be very thankful for, in, and of, itself.
     
  7. ActionBuddy

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    Thanks Mr. Drifter and Hotty hotmilf!

    Yep, no choice... he is a part of me for life. It is so harsh and weird, but just got to get on with it all.

    Onan
     
  8. ActionBuddy

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    Thank you for your post Novice... You made me rethink my post and then edit it a bit, because I did not include the death of my beloved grandparents, as a life changing experience, in it... So focused right now! They were also amazing people, who made my life a safer place.

    Especially my father's mother, who was the ultimate example of unconditional love in my family... Adding to the weirdness of my relationship with my Dad, as he has always been the ultimate judgmental naysayer.

    Onan
     
  9. jason_els

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    I don't have any wisdom to share here as I haven't gone through this.

    I will say that if I was a man looking at my final days alive, I'd be blessed beyond words to have a son so concerned about me. I have no doubt your love and attention will ease his passing.
     
  10. ActionBuddy

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    Thanks, Jason... we didn't think it would be an issue for years to come... our family always planned for the 2 of them to be moving on together... It's very upsetting right now, but, I bet the old devil takes charge and has a whole new life in retirement! Just seems sketchy at the moment.

    I hope, Onan
     
  11. jason_els

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  12. Supersized

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    Sigh. These sort of feelings are totally alien to a hard ass like me. All I can think to say is have faith in GOD. and listen to your feelings.
     
  13. B_Think_Kink

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    Sorry to hear that, you're in my thoughts.
     
  14. snoozan

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    I watched my father die while I was extremely ill myself. It's not ever easy. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing by comforting your mother and attempting to help him die peacefully. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is forgive him for anything still in your heart and tell him with no reservations how much you love him. Tell him all that he did in your life that made you a good, strong person. Make sure he knows how much he means to you. At the end of his life, my father wanted most, I think, to know that he did a good job and that I was going to be happy and safe, and that I knew that he loved me.

    Hang in there, your family will be in my thoughts.
     
  15. viking1

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    Sorry to hear this Onan. My thoughts are with you. My dad passed away February 7th 2006. He was a lot like your dad from your description. He was a harsh perfectionist, who kinda looked down on me, and admired me at the same time. I still miss him like hell. It takes time to get better from events like this. Good luck to you man!:smile:
     
  16. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    My father would probably have liked to know I forgave him, but I was living abroad when he died and he never knew. I just hope he knew I loved him.

    As horrible and difficult as this time is for you, in some strange way you may not see for a long time--not only have I experienced it myself with deaths of loved ones but many others have told me similarly--it comes to be cherished.

    Man, I hurt for you and wish you well.
     
  17. zacktoria

    zacktoria New Member

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    my father and i have a terrible relationship - i'm the youngest and his least favorite that he has deemed "selfish and undeserving of love" - so i know how it feels to be the black sheep - Under all the nastiness i know that man knows i love him unconditionally - its a parent/child bond that no words need to be spoken to be understood. my dad has had 2 stokes and has multiple hospital stays - and emergency surgury the day after christmas - so my family knows the ups and downs -

    being there to laugh, cry, and support him in the end is the most important thing you can do regardless of the heaviness in your heart. the words don't have to be said - he knows you love him.

    you, your father and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
     
  18. Osiris

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    SP is right. When I lost my dad, there was so much left unsaid because it happened without warning. I think the way you are saying it now is perfect and your dad can't help but be honored or impressed by your effort.

    You are in my prayers Onan.
     
  19. Osiris

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    Zack, this is such a great post, I just had to say you are a very wise man. Props to you.
     
  20. zacktoria

    zacktoria New Member

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    lol - a wise WOman! lol
     
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