My Dad is in surgery... prospects dim...

someotherguy

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I almost lost my dad this year to a heart attack. He and I have had an up and down relationship, mostly down due to me never doing good enough for him. But it was eye-opening when he had his heart attack how all of that melted away. For the first time in my life I saw him in a vulnerable state and although a tiny part of me wanted to throw back in his face all the things he's said and done to me over the years I just wasn't able to. I saw him not as a dad but as a man. Someone capable of making mistakes. I didn't really forgive his actions but I was there for him when he needed it. I let him know that I would take care of my mom and the house if he wasn't going to make it. Let him know that for all his faults and mistakes, he still raised a man. And that's about all you can do for your father. Just let him know in his heart that you are in a good place in life and will make him proud if he doesn't make it. If it's destined for him to not make it then don't let him pass on thinking he failed in being a father. Any hatred you may have needs to go away. Make this horrible situation easier for him or else you'll always regret it.

I wish you the best and good luck.
 

Whopper-lee

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I feel U & support U...
I didn't have the opportunity to say good-by to my dad B-4 his death...I was much too young at the time...but often times I do believe I feel his presense in my heart, soul, & mind...strange as it may sound.
 

Osiris

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lol - a wise WOman! lol

To quote Mo on the Simpsons:

AWWWW CRAP!

I saw ZACktoria and didn't bother to look at the gender. My bad completely. I truly feel like a total boob right now.

But you are still wise. Obviously wiser than I since you know to look at the gender first. :biggrin1:

My apologies most gracious lady.
 

basketbulge

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My heart goes out to you Onan. I think the most important thing is that you are with your family and at your Father's side. If you follow your heart, you will know what to express to him.

I have not posted here for some time, but your thread seems to be calling out to me. Like you Onan, I am the black sheep of the family, and I grew up with a Father who was often surly. He also had leukemia, and passed away this week. I just returned home yesterday. Unfortunately, I didn't have an opportunity to have a final conversation with my Dad while he was still alive. As difficult and emotional as it was, I'm grateful that I was able to spend an hour with him after he had passed. I believe he was able to hear the things I had to say. I also believe that all the things that were left unspoken, were understood.

A good friend sent me a comforting note this week. He was at the memorial concert for Oscar Peterson last weekend, where Herbie Hancock sat alone on the stage in front of his keyboard and said, "there are two journey's in life; the first begins when we are born, and the second begins when we die".

Onan, I wish you all the love and support you need right now to get through this difficult time. And if and when it happens, I wish your Father well on his second journey...
 

Principessa

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Hey, you all, I did, indeed, search for a similar thread, so please, just let me know if there is one that I can join in on, without being trashed for not trying. What came up with my searches were random and daunting... I need to find peers that are experiencing this. Like, RIGHT NOW.

Other than "I love you"... What is the best thing that you can say to your father on, possibly, his death bed?

:confused: Onan
I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. :hug:

This is a very difficult thing which to deal. Other than "I Love You" I would thank your dad for the good times and pleasant memories. No matter how contentious your relationship may have been in the past there must have been some good times? :confused: Try and focus on those times. I may be wrong but now isn't the time to seek closure for something that happend 20 years ago.
 

ActionBuddy

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Hi, I just had some time to check in here. The latest word from my mom... not looking like it will be good news...

Thank you all... gosh, I hope I don't skip a name... Thank you for your kind and wise words... Think_Kink, snoozan, Nick8, Osiris, Viking1, Zactoria, Someotherguy, WhopperLee, Shanhall, Basketbulge, njqt466, NCBear, and all who PM'd me yesterday.

I am so glad that I have good friends and loving siblings... but it is also great to be able to vent online here... and spare them the angst. Thanks for your concern... My family is gathered here and taking good care of each other, and hoping for a turn-around for this incredible guy that I am not at all ready to say goodbye to.

xo Onan
 

ActionBuddy

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Hey, 15shooter, isn't it weird?

5 years ago I went on a road trip with my dad and it was mind-blowing how similar we really were... How we communicated with strangers, shopkeepers, motel and hotel people, etc... But mostly about our priorities along the way.

We also found out that we both snore like prehistoric beasts! We could not sleep in the same room. So we had to pay for 2 rooms.

Man, I wish I could take him out on the road again... it was the first time, as an adult, that we just had fun together... fishing and going to farm auctions and cool junk shops along the way.

I found out how much I truly love him, as a regular guy... not just as a father figure.

Onan
 

Skull Mason

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I sat next to my dad before he died when I was 12. I promised him I would take care of my mom and my family. I also told him I would be a professional baseball player. I told him I loved him, and that I would miss him. I thanked him for teaching me how to throw a football, how to always say please and thank you, and I thanked him for being a strong example for me not to be scared in the face of death; as he wasn't. I never forgot that; I asked him if he was scared to die a few months before that. He said no with zero hesitation. I was always afraid of death.

It was sad though, he couldn't speak back to me, but stared at me with a fixed gaze and he couldn't move. It must have been an eerily spooky scene. Earlier they told me he could hear what I would say, just that he couldn't respond. So big and strong, a former professional football player (albeit briefly until my oldest brother was born), relegated to not being able to move. All I could think about was him behind those eyes and inside that body that couldn't move, and tried to imagine what he was thinking; seeing his youngest son for the last time. Was he trying to say something back? Was it frustrating? Or was he at peace just watching me speak to him in the twilight of his life?

I have two brothers, and we took our turns saying goodbye to him alone. I was asleep on a couch next to the bed when my oldest brother was saying goodbye. I opened my eyes and saw him crying with his head in his hands. That hurt. My stronger, older brother, 11 years my senior breaking down next to my dying father. Talk about some shit to see and experience when you are 12. Just tell him you love him and that you will take care of those he leaves behind.
 

visualalert

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Be as strong as you can - easy to say. I watched my father die a couple of years ago in hospital but he was out of it. If he's lucid and you can say just "I love you" to him while he's hearing you it will benefit him. And it will benefit you, too, for the rest of your life. I'm crying as I write this because I was unable/unwilling to do that when I could have (we had a difficult relationship).
 

D_Pubert Stabbingpain

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btw... I have told him so... but being the rascal that he is, it went unheeded.
He's that old school kinda guy.

Onan
yep, mine too. Mom and dad were both old school. Even though most of what I said appeared to me that it didn't sink in, what I did manage to say I am sure it held meaning deep down with them both. At least, for my sake, I have to think so.