Apologies ahead of time, if this is a waste of time. I'm actually quite nervous posting this in this part of the forum...
I am 37 currently. I met this woman about two years ago (she is currently 33), and we started hanging out, largely because we share a hobby and started bumping into each other frequently. About midsummer last year this ‘hanging out’ together rather quaintly made itself apparent at being more…than just hanging out, because she kissed me in a very unambiguous way. At the time I’d never had any real intimate relationships with anyone or really any relationships of a romantic variety at all, never been kissed, not even really a lot experience even with something as banal as a hug or even a romantic entanglement of someone saying they ‘liked me’. Part of that was a lot of insecurities, which formed when I was teenager, that included not believing anyone would…want to be with me, so throughout most of my life I sort of accepted that that was true and avoided…that kind of contact, with anyone, just because I knew I wasn’t very you know attractive and I didn’t want to be that stereotypical nerd crush that was undesirable, tenacious and annoying (I grew up in the 90s I remembered Urkel and Screech), so I just kinda…well…ignored those desires and crushes and whatevers as best as was possible with what tools I had available, and stayed away from everyone romantically speaking. I still don't think I'm…very attractive compared to what I would call ‘the competition’. I work a banal, purposely unexciting, low-stakes job, I’m not really rich, I’m not very…confident in my physicality, either my looks or my talents, and I’m a nerd and get over excited by stupid things no one else is excited about.
Anyways, a few months go by of me slow walking this one-sided relationship, kinda pressing the brakes every time something more than a kiss was intimated. And really even then, I wasn’t sure how able I was returning kisses even, because I had no means of knowing how to kiss someone other than to follow her lead and watch movies…such that if someone watched me watch them out of context they would’ve thought I was some weird pervert but I was just trying to study… I wanted to explain myself to her, but every time I tried to think of way of doing it, it just made me sound like a serial killer...so I kinda just let it keep going in stasis... Anyways the woman (I’m going to call her Sarah) was very patient, and I finally admitted that I hadn’t been with anyone before and didn’t know what I was doing and that I probably wasn’t going to be a very satisfying partner, and Sarah was again really quite kind and understanding about it. And so around Christmas we started being sexually active after a couple of really bad false starts. And I initially had kinda maybe quite dire problems with it, like the first couple of times came with some severe mood whiplash that I just sort of buried until she left or I left, because the aforementioned insecurities and bad starts and I do still I suppose have some mild problems with it (much better now...so much better) as I try to navigate what this relationship means and everything that goes with it, but I’ve always tried to be better about it, haven’t always succeeded but I try.
We’ve sorta fell into this rhythm. Where we spend the night at one or the other’s place once a week usually on a weekend, and we have sex as part of the ‘staying overnight’, usually we spend the day together either going out or staying in. I have become more proficient with my limited experience, and she’s never complained about the experience itself and compliments me quite often which helps with my confidence, though I often fear I’m becoming quite predictable in my lack of experience and timidity. I try to follow her instructions as best as possible (initially actual verbal instructions and handholding, but now, just sort of following her lead), and I trust her when she says she very pleased with my capabilities, though again that was one of my early hang ups. More recently however I’ve found that I increasingly don’t want to have more than one sexual encounter a weekend though, like we can have sex on Friday night, and go one or two rounds sometimes three if she’s particularly invested and I’m particularly nettled (which was really only the once), and then in the morning I have no interest in it, despite her obvious continued interest. Honestly there’s been a few weekends, probably more, where I suspect that if I’d allowed it, she’d want to have sex most of Saturday into a good half of Sunday. I’ve tried just powering through with it, because I hate this feeling that I’m rejecting her, but the results of such attempts are often less than optimal. She never seems particularly miffed by this, and she’s never outwardly complained about my apparent frigidity, but I can’t help but feel…like I’m not fulfilling my end of the bargain, which is a problem I’ve had since we started having sex, well, since we started this relationship.
When I was young I was instilled with this idea that guys shouldn’t…expect anyone to want to have sex with them and that, well, we’re so easy to please, we should focus on trying to our best to satisfy the woman in the relationship since it’s a privilege to…you know…share a bed with someone else, that any desires we have are kinda…considered as fait accompli when it comes to sex if we’re allowed to have sex with a woman, so her wanting to have sex with you kinda puts you in her debt from the start, which I’m sorry if that’s a little messed up, I’ve probably not worded it appropriately. IE if I'm having sex with a woman; I'm likely to get my satisfaction regardless, because guys are easy to please, but my partner doesn’t share that certainty, so I should redouble my effort to make sure my partner has a satisfying time because it’s the least I can do, and if I can’t do that then I shouldn’t be having sex.
I’m trying to be better about it, trying to be more assertive about my desires and have even gotten confident enough to actually start to initiate things sometimes (for a good part of the first month after we started, she would always start things…because I was afraid of you know…maybe overplaying my hand and I was always afraid that she'd feel she had to and I didn't want that), but the truth is, more often than not I find my needs more than fulfilled just by being with her and with my own attempts to fulfill her own desires and often feel like I don’t want it enough when I should want it more, largely because I notice the times she looks at me and I always feel bad when she does and I don’t have the reciprocal desire. When I bring this up with her and apologize for not being as…sexually interested as I should be she always just says ‘it’s fine, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you don’t want’…but I can’t help but feel selfish when I wake up in the morning and see her looking at me in that very specific way that tells me she’s keen and inwardly I just think ‘Oh, you want to this morning, too? Bother...’…. I guess I’m asking if I should just suck it up and try and be more desirous, or is it ok that I’m not as excited about it as she is….? I know I should take her at her word, but I have a hard time believing that this doesn’t get frustrating for her...and that she’s being…nice.
I do masturbate during the week, but I don't masturbate because 'I desire to have sex' or because I feel 'horny', a lot of times I masturbate because my body insists and if I don't...I end up having unfortunate consequences at night... I don't get much excitement or enjoyment out of it...other than those nagging impulses go away. It's just...you know...clerical, maintenance masturbation....if that makes sense.... Apologies if that was...too much information.
I am 37 currently. I met this woman about two years ago (she is currently 33), and we started hanging out, largely because we share a hobby and started bumping into each other frequently. About midsummer last year this ‘hanging out’ together rather quaintly made itself apparent at being more…than just hanging out, because she kissed me in a very unambiguous way. At the time I’d never had any real intimate relationships with anyone or really any relationships of a romantic variety at all, never been kissed, not even really a lot experience even with something as banal as a hug or even a romantic entanglement of someone saying they ‘liked me’. Part of that was a lot of insecurities, which formed when I was teenager, that included not believing anyone would…want to be with me, so throughout most of my life I sort of accepted that that was true and avoided…that kind of contact, with anyone, just because I knew I wasn’t very you know attractive and I didn’t want to be that stereotypical nerd crush that was undesirable, tenacious and annoying (I grew up in the 90s I remembered Urkel and Screech), so I just kinda…well…ignored those desires and crushes and whatevers as best as was possible with what tools I had available, and stayed away from everyone romantically speaking. I still don't think I'm…very attractive compared to what I would call ‘the competition’. I work a banal, purposely unexciting, low-stakes job, I’m not really rich, I’m not very…confident in my physicality, either my looks or my talents, and I’m a nerd and get over excited by stupid things no one else is excited about.
Anyways, a few months go by of me slow walking this one-sided relationship, kinda pressing the brakes every time something more than a kiss was intimated. And really even then, I wasn’t sure how able I was returning kisses even, because I had no means of knowing how to kiss someone other than to follow her lead and watch movies…such that if someone watched me watch them out of context they would’ve thought I was some weird pervert but I was just trying to study… I wanted to explain myself to her, but every time I tried to think of way of doing it, it just made me sound like a serial killer...so I kinda just let it keep going in stasis... Anyways the woman (I’m going to call her Sarah) was very patient, and I finally admitted that I hadn’t been with anyone before and didn’t know what I was doing and that I probably wasn’t going to be a very satisfying partner, and Sarah was again really quite kind and understanding about it. And so around Christmas we started being sexually active after a couple of really bad false starts. And I initially had kinda maybe quite dire problems with it, like the first couple of times came with some severe mood whiplash that I just sort of buried until she left or I left, because the aforementioned insecurities and bad starts and I do still I suppose have some mild problems with it (much better now...so much better) as I try to navigate what this relationship means and everything that goes with it, but I’ve always tried to be better about it, haven’t always succeeded but I try.
We’ve sorta fell into this rhythm. Where we spend the night at one or the other’s place once a week usually on a weekend, and we have sex as part of the ‘staying overnight’, usually we spend the day together either going out or staying in. I have become more proficient with my limited experience, and she’s never complained about the experience itself and compliments me quite often which helps with my confidence, though I often fear I’m becoming quite predictable in my lack of experience and timidity. I try to follow her instructions as best as possible (initially actual verbal instructions and handholding, but now, just sort of following her lead), and I trust her when she says she very pleased with my capabilities, though again that was one of my early hang ups. More recently however I’ve found that I increasingly don’t want to have more than one sexual encounter a weekend though, like we can have sex on Friday night, and go one or two rounds sometimes three if she’s particularly invested and I’m particularly nettled (which was really only the once), and then in the morning I have no interest in it, despite her obvious continued interest. Honestly there’s been a few weekends, probably more, where I suspect that if I’d allowed it, she’d want to have sex most of Saturday into a good half of Sunday. I’ve tried just powering through with it, because I hate this feeling that I’m rejecting her, but the results of such attempts are often less than optimal. She never seems particularly miffed by this, and she’s never outwardly complained about my apparent frigidity, but I can’t help but feel…like I’m not fulfilling my end of the bargain, which is a problem I’ve had since we started having sex, well, since we started this relationship.
When I was young I was instilled with this idea that guys shouldn’t…expect anyone to want to have sex with them and that, well, we’re so easy to please, we should focus on trying to our best to satisfy the woman in the relationship since it’s a privilege to…you know…share a bed with someone else, that any desires we have are kinda…considered as fait accompli when it comes to sex if we’re allowed to have sex with a woman, so her wanting to have sex with you kinda puts you in her debt from the start, which I’m sorry if that’s a little messed up, I’ve probably not worded it appropriately. IE if I'm having sex with a woman; I'm likely to get my satisfaction regardless, because guys are easy to please, but my partner doesn’t share that certainty, so I should redouble my effort to make sure my partner has a satisfying time because it’s the least I can do, and if I can’t do that then I shouldn’t be having sex.
I’m trying to be better about it, trying to be more assertive about my desires and have even gotten confident enough to actually start to initiate things sometimes (for a good part of the first month after we started, she would always start things…because I was afraid of you know…maybe overplaying my hand and I was always afraid that she'd feel she had to and I didn't want that), but the truth is, more often than not I find my needs more than fulfilled just by being with her and with my own attempts to fulfill her own desires and often feel like I don’t want it enough when I should want it more, largely because I notice the times she looks at me and I always feel bad when she does and I don’t have the reciprocal desire. When I bring this up with her and apologize for not being as…sexually interested as I should be she always just says ‘it’s fine, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you don’t want’…but I can’t help but feel selfish when I wake up in the morning and see her looking at me in that very specific way that tells me she’s keen and inwardly I just think ‘Oh, you want to this morning, too? Bother...’…. I guess I’m asking if I should just suck it up and try and be more desirous, or is it ok that I’m not as excited about it as she is….? I know I should take her at her word, but I have a hard time believing that this doesn’t get frustrating for her...and that she’s being…nice.
I do masturbate during the week, but I don't masturbate because 'I desire to have sex' or because I feel 'horny', a lot of times I masturbate because my body insists and if I don't...I end up having unfortunate consequences at night... I don't get much excitement or enjoyment out of it...other than those nagging impulses go away. It's just...you know...clerical, maintenance masturbation....if that makes sense.... Apologies if that was...too much information.