My desire doesn't match hers

ennislivvy

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Apologies ahead of time, if this is a waste of time. I'm actually quite nervous posting this in this part of the forum...

I am 37 currently. I met this woman about two years ago (she is currently 33), and we started hanging out, largely because we share a hobby and started bumping into each other frequently. About midsummer last year this ‘hanging out’ together rather quaintly made itself apparent at being more…than just hanging out, because she kissed me in a very unambiguous way. At the time I’d never had any real intimate relationships with anyone or really any relationships of a romantic variety at all, never been kissed, not even really a lot experience even with something as banal as a hug or even a romantic entanglement of someone saying they ‘liked me’. Part of that was a lot of insecurities, which formed when I was teenager, that included not believing anyone would…want to be with me, so throughout most of my life I sort of accepted that that was true and avoided…that kind of contact, with anyone, just because I knew I wasn’t very you know attractive and I didn’t want to be that stereotypical nerd crush that was undesirable, tenacious and annoying (I grew up in the 90s I remembered Urkel and Screech), so I just kinda…well…ignored those desires and crushes and whatevers as best as was possible with what tools I had available, and stayed away from everyone romantically speaking. I still don't think I'm…very attractive compared to what I would call ‘the competition’. I work a banal, purposely unexciting, low-stakes job, I’m not really rich, I’m not very…confident in my physicality, either my looks or my talents, and I’m a nerd and get over excited by stupid things no one else is excited about.

Anyways, a few months go by of me slow walking this one-sided relationship, kinda pressing the brakes every time something more than a kiss was intimated. And really even then, I wasn’t sure how able I was returning kisses even, because I had no means of knowing how to kiss someone other than to follow her lead and watch movies…such that if someone watched me watch them out of context they would’ve thought I was some weird pervert but I was just trying to study… I wanted to explain myself to her, but every time I tried to think of way of doing it, it just made me sound like a serial killer...so I kinda just let it keep going in stasis... Anyways the woman (I’m going to call her Sarah) was very patient, and I finally admitted that I hadn’t been with anyone before and didn’t know what I was doing and that I probably wasn’t going to be a very satisfying partner, and Sarah was again really quite kind and understanding about it. And so around Christmas we started being sexually active after a couple of really bad false starts. And I initially had kinda maybe quite dire problems with it, like the first couple of times came with some severe mood whiplash that I just sort of buried until she left or I left, because the aforementioned insecurities and bad starts and I do still I suppose have some mild problems with it (much better now...so much better) as I try to navigate what this relationship means and everything that goes with it, but I’ve always tried to be better about it, haven’t always succeeded but I try.

We’ve sorta fell into this rhythm. Where we spend the night at one or the other’s place once a week usually on a weekend, and we have sex as part of the ‘staying overnight’, usually we spend the day together either going out or staying in. I have become more proficient with my limited experience, and she’s never complained about the experience itself and compliments me quite often which helps with my confidence, though I often fear I’m becoming quite predictable in my lack of experience and timidity. I try to follow her instructions as best as possible (initially actual verbal instructions and handholding, but now, just sort of following her lead), and I trust her when she says she very pleased with my capabilities, though again that was one of my early hang ups. More recently however I’ve found that I increasingly don’t want to have more than one sexual encounter a weekend though, like we can have sex on Friday night, and go one or two rounds sometimes three if she’s particularly invested and I’m particularly nettled (which was really only the once), and then in the morning I have no interest in it, despite her obvious continued interest. Honestly there’s been a few weekends, probably more, where I suspect that if I’d allowed it, she’d want to have sex most of Saturday into a good half of Sunday. I’ve tried just powering through with it, because I hate this feeling that I’m rejecting her, but the results of such attempts are often less than optimal. She never seems particularly miffed by this, and she’s never outwardly complained about my apparent frigidity, but I can’t help but feel…like I’m not fulfilling my end of the bargain, which is a problem I’ve had since we started having sex, well, since we started this relationship.

When I was young I was instilled with this idea that guys shouldn’t…expect anyone to want to have sex with them and that, well, we’re so easy to please, we should focus on trying to our best to satisfy the woman in the relationship since it’s a privilege to…you know…share a bed with someone else, that any desires we have are kinda…considered as fait accompli when it comes to sex if we’re allowed to have sex with a woman, so her wanting to have sex with you kinda puts you in her debt from the start, which I’m sorry if that’s a little messed up, I’ve probably not worded it appropriately. IE if I'm having sex with a woman; I'm likely to get my satisfaction regardless, because guys are easy to please, but my partner doesn’t share that certainty, so I should redouble my effort to make sure my partner has a satisfying time because it’s the least I can do, and if I can’t do that then I shouldn’t be having sex.

I’m trying to be better about it, trying to be more assertive about my desires and have even gotten confident enough to actually start to initiate things sometimes (for a good part of the first month after we started, she would always start things…because I was afraid of you know…maybe overplaying my hand and I was always afraid that she'd feel she had to and I didn't want that), but the truth is, more often than not I find my needs more than fulfilled just by being with her and with my own attempts to fulfill her own desires and often feel like I don’t want it enough when I should want it more, largely because I notice the times she looks at me and I always feel bad when she does and I don’t have the reciprocal desire. When I bring this up with her and apologize for not being as…sexually interested as I should be she always just says ‘it’s fine, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you don’t want’…but I can’t help but feel selfish when I wake up in the morning and see her looking at me in that very specific way that tells me she’s keen and inwardly I just think ‘Oh, you want to this morning, too? Bother...’…. I guess I’m asking if I should just suck it up and try and be more desirous, or is it ok that I’m not as excited about it as she is….? I know I should take her at her word, but I have a hard time believing that this doesn’t get frustrating for her...and that she’s being…nice.

I do masturbate during the week, but I don't masturbate because 'I desire to have sex' or because I feel 'horny', a lot of times I masturbate because my body insists and if I don't...I end up having unfortunate consequences at night... I don't get much excitement or enjoyment out of it...other than those nagging impulses go away. It's just...you know...clerical, maintenance masturbation....if that makes sense.... Apologies if that was...too much information.
 
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TinyPrincess

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Let her read this post. Talk openly about your feelings, thoughts and insecurities with her.

Stop wanking off - it's borderline cheating if you prefer your hand to having sex with her multiple times.

Consider talking to a professional - with or without her - but with her knowing it.
 

ennislivvy

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Let her read this post. Talk openly about your feelings, thoughts and insecurities with her.

Stop wanking off - it's borderline cheating if you prefer your hand to having sex with her multiple times.

Consider talking to a professional - with or without her - but with her knowing it.

I don't think stopping masturbation will 'increase my desires'...no offense...

My masturbation is again not out of 'desire for sex'. And to be quite honest my experiences with her are far more, intense. It's not a question of preferring one over the other...

We have talked about my...reticence in the past, but like I said sometimes I think she's too nice about it.
 
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So first I'll say this. Believe her. Trust her. If she says, then stop doubting every step of the way.

Do not feel bad for your lack of sexual desire. There is nothing wrong with that.

You should never have to "suck it up" and be something or do something you don't necessarily want to do.

Have you possibly considered that you may be asexual? Asexuality is a spectrum much like many things. The way you describe how you feel about masturbation resonates with Asexuality.

Your general lack of or low level desires for sex just kind of seems to fall within the Asexuality umbrella as well.

If anything, greysexual (another term under the asexual umbrella) could be another possibly.

If you can not equate your low level desire for sex to your insecurities, then perhaps look up a little info on what I mentioned. If it's purely your insecurities, then for sure seek therapy. It can do wonders.
 

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So first I'll say this. Believe her. Trust her. If she says, then stop doubting every step of the way.

Do not feel bad for your lack of sexual desire. There is nothing wrong with that.

You should never have to "suck it up" and be something or do something you don't necessarily want to do.

Have you possibly considered that you may be asexual? Asexuality is a spectrum much like many things. The way you describe how you feel about masturbation resonates with Asexuality.

Your general lack of or low level desires for sex just kind of seems to fall within the Asexuality umbrella as well.

If anything, greysexual (another term under the asexual umbrella) could be another possibly.

If you can not equate your low level desire for sex to your insecurities, then perhaps look up a little info on what I mentioned. If it's purely your insecurities, then for sure seek therapy. It can do wonders.
Exactly what I was thinking!
 

ennislivvy

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So first I'll say this. Believe her. Trust her. If she says, then stop doubting every step of the way.

Do not feel bad for your lack of sexual desire. There is nothing wrong with that.

You should never have to "suck it up" and be something or do something you don't necessarily want to do.

Have you possibly considered that you may be asexual? Asexuality is a spectrum much like many things. The way you describe how you feel about masturbation resonates with Asexuality.

Your general lack of or low level desires for sex just kind of seems to fall within the Asexuality umbrella as well.

If anything, greysexual (another term under the asexual umbrella) could be another possibly.

If you can not equate your low level desire for sex to your insecurities, then perhaps look up a little info on what I mentioned. If it's purely your insecurities, then for sure seek therapy. It can do wonders.
I think it's complicated...It's been decades of negligence...resulting in lots of confusion that's hard to express. I like to say that my sexuality isn't so much non-existent as it is so punch drunk it doesn't know what it's swinging for so it just flails around trying not to get hit.

But a lot of that is me actively denying myself because...well...I didn't think I deserved it...and I won't lie parts of me still kinda feel that way. I also feel an obligation to please her, regardless. I just I've gone from being the kind of loser that's the focus of a Judd Apatow movie to someone that's gained the favor of a women that's stunning, smart and kind, and we share interests...and she very briefly makes me feel less lonely. That's a staggering upgrade...that I guess my inner self is finding hard to rationalize...and I suppose it just triggers my anxiety...a lot...

NGL Valentine's Day doesn't help...it's not something I'm overly familiar with and well...Im always worried I'm doing the whole boyfriend thing wrong....
 
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Therapy. Please, please, please consider it. If you are not willing to go to a therapist, cerebral (site) is an amazing and moderately affordable virtual option that you can do from the comfort of your space.

Every person deserves to be happy and feel loved. However, It is nobodies responsibility to provide that though. I do not know you, but I assure you that the way you see yourself is not how others see you. Using the language you do about yourself provides a glimpse into your mind, and it's truthfully toxic stuff. The type of toxic that breeds self hate, resentment towards women, and an assurance that if you don't get help, you can not possibly learn to accept and love yourself, let alone provide that love to others.

I truly hope you can find some help to make your brain stop being an asshole to you.
 

ennislivvy

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Therapy. Please, please, please consider it. If you are not willing to go to a therapist, cerebral (site) is an amazing and moderately affordable virtual option that you can do from the comfort of your space.

Every person deserves to be happy and feel loved. However, It is nobodies responsibility to provide that though. I do not know you, but I assure you that the way you see yourself is not how others see you. Using the language you do about yourself provides a glimpse into your mind, and it's truthfully toxic stuff. The type of toxic that breeds self hate, resentment towards women, and an assurance that if you don't get help, you can not possibly learn to accept and love yourself, let alone provide that love to others.

I truly hope you can find some help to make your brain stop being an asshole to you.

It's just...being happy is super uncomfortable for me. It triggers a lot of anxiety to feel happy, and joy stresses me out if I'm honest. Like I kinda shoot for not horrible as an acceptable compromise. I always find those sorts of questions hard to answer. Like she'll ask if I enjoyed something and i usually respond with something like 'it was very satisfying'. I just, I don't enjoy things, I don't feel that. I've never felt that, kinda by design...it's just those feelings always leave me feeling empty, and have left me open to greed and hunger and I've never liked myself to be that way. Not to mention left me susceptible to manipulation and stuff... It leaves me in an awkward position of having deep affection for her but not knowing how to communicate it with her since I feel conflicted when she demonstrates that affection for me and I just...can't appreciate it in the same way she experiences my intimate affection for her...
 
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ennislivvy

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Maybe I should clarify. Lest people think I'm a misery guts. I have a lot of pleasant experiences with Sarah, both outside of the bedroom and I find our encounters in the bedroom (and other places) very satisfying, but also emotionally exhausting.

It's just very clear to me that she doesn't have the same exhaustions that I have when it comes to physical intimacy. That my emotional recharge time is way higher, and more intense than my physical capabilities. And I do feel bad about that, because I feel like I'm depriving her of something she clearly wants (though I don't always understand why...but I've been told I don't need to...so...there that is), and that I should be able to provide. She makes me feel kinda like a teenager, both in the good ways and in the not so good ways...and I know I'm not entirely there yet, and I worry I guess that I may not be enough for her, and that always scares me because well...I feel very easily replaced you know.
 
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ennislivvy

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Apologies for the multiple posts, editing system on this site make things...a labor...

I guess considering the context of the upcoming...dates.... Is there any really good suggestions for a decent date/gift/experiences that would be helpful? I know this question is maybe slightly skewed from the bulk of this thread but, I just I'm not very good at large shows of romance...like I brute forced learned to play a song on the piano from her college days around Christmas...which was apparently very romantic, but that's not really something that works multiple times in a row. And yeah...experiences include...more intimate things as well...is there a way I can change things up so I don't become stale(r than I already probably am becoming)?