There seems to still be some "connection" between effeminate and Gay. True, some Gay men are effeminate, and many more affect feminine behavior. Others over-compensate trying to eliminate all feminine mannerisms, i.e. Leather Bears.
But straight men can be effeminate as well.
Point> Mannerisms do not define sexuality.
There also seems to be some kind of disconnect between Gay and homosexual. True, Gay has lifestyle implications, and often, political ones as well. But the principle attribute of Gay people (and I am politically incorrectly including Lesbians in my definition of Gay) is their homosexuality. While we here (and many over-compensators) may quible about the difference between Gay and Homosexual, the majority of society sees no difference.
Point> Mannerisms do not define Gay to most of society.
The biggest problem Black10 seems to be having is getting beyond the societal stigma against homosexuals. In the current environment of puritanism, "conservatism", and "family values", such stigma is being intensified. Add this to the traditional role definitions and "masculine" stereotypes, it is no wonder Black10 is questioning. The additional influence of "the church" in the black community, even among non-religious people makes this even more difficult.
As a Gay white male who can "pass", I commend Black10 for questioning his homophobia and examining it. I came out at an early age, foolishly with "no fear", in an era when it could easily keep one from getting a job, an education, and "fag bashing" was much more common (not that it is that un-common now). And I didn't have to deal with the spectre of AIDS/HIV. Even so, it was difficult for me (and many of my generation) to accept our homosexual tendencies, let alone come out. I'm not patting myself on the back, just trying to tell it like it is.
In a cultural community where masculinity is paramount, homosexuality is the ultimate betrayal, of others and self. Bisexuals might as well be fully homosexual for all the culture cares. And the easiest way to cover your own insecurity is to attack someone who is more vulnerable. The "queen" is not only in danger of being fag bashed by the straights, but also by the over compensators (the "butch" Gay man), because he/she is an easy target, and makes for easy cover.
Black10, your discomfort is not unusual, even for someone who may be homosexual or bisexual. As you become more comfortable with yourself, you may find your discomfort with others to be less. I know that I did. I once dispised "queens" for making us look bad. But as I grew more accepting of myself, I realized I was demonizing the parts of me I wasn't comfortable about. And I learned that we all have a great debt to the "queens", who were the first ones to stand up and fight back at Stonewall. The ones who can't hide, who can't "pass", are the ones who have nothing to lose. History tells us that even in the 60's and 70's, there were Blacks / African Americans of light skin tone who "passed" as "white" if they could. Today, they are looked upon with scorn. For the Gay community, that day may be a long while off.
Keep questioning your behavior and attitudes Black10. At least as long as you do that you are on a path of growth and hopefully understanding. That is a lot for anyone to accomplish.
I don't really think of myself as a gay man: I'm a man that happens to be gay. There's a distinction that I don't want to lose. I'm a man, first and foremost. The fact that I'm gay is incidental. I have nothing against drag queens, transsexuals or nelly gay men: I have friends that fit into all of those categories. Some men are sexually attracted to those types; I'm not. I don't need to fit a stereotype in order to be attracted (and hopefully, attractive) to men. Luckily, people are starting to realise that their gay brothers and sisters can look and act just like anyone else.
