My Drunk Texts (781): I'm going to buy the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer... (44): I can spend today knowing that my semen is swimming around inside her in church, at Sunday School, teaching kids about Christ (314): He thinks I want his fb password to check up on him but I really just want to get him farmville and send myself gifts... (937): Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl, in a catholic school uniform, buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon! (412): oh alcohol, you are my abusive boyfriend, and no matter how sore I am the next morning, I still go back to you (908): your mother is a dirty whore wft dude? why the hell would you say that? bc im doing her right now and man is SHE A FREAKKKKK!!! (714): why are there condoms glued to the ceiling? (1-714) Thats not glue... (212): Just woke up, no memory and my dick covered in peanut butter. Cleaned off and went in to the kitchen. My mom was complaining how she couldn't get the taste of peanut butter out of her mouth.