My ex wants my DNA

D_Emmanuel_Goldenberg

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The subject line sounds intense, but let me break it down...

My girlfriend and I parted ways earlier this month. It's been a challenge for both of us, but I think I bounced back a little faster. Basically, she had fallen for me, but I hadn't fall for her, although I truly did try. She has everything I like physically and mentally, but it just didn't click for me. So, after a few months of just coasting, we decided ending it was for the best. She just turned 33 BTW, and wants a kid by age 35.

Anyway, last weekend, out of the blue, she called me and we talked, and she eventually told me her "backup plan" to have a kid at 35, with or without a partner (at this point that plan hadn't included me). She has had this plan since she was about 28. As we were both talking, she sort of decided right there on the spot that she'd really want me to be the donor. I was totally shocked at first, but she said she didn't want an answer now, she just wanted me to think it over for a month or two and then decide.

I should add that I do trust her, and that she's very loyal, and I don't think it's just a ploy to get back together... I should feel flattered, and I am... A friend of mine did it for a lesbian couple--it's actually quite a noble cause... She's still going to get fertilized even if I say no, but she'd rather it be with someone she knows (and is healthy, full head of hair, has good genes, etc. :). but... here's the thing - I may still want kids myself one day, WITH the right woman, and this could really throw a curve ball into the mix later down the road. I also know that if I was the donor, I'd probably want to be with that kid all the time (she said she'd leave up to me whether I'd be a part of his/her life)...

It is a conundrum. Any advice?
 

Reddhott

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If you are not prepared to be a father, involved in your child's life, don't do it. And you will be attached to this woman for the next 18 years.

Which is what she is counting on.
 

Reddhott

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I am hoping both of you see through the selfishness here. Children need both parents. Yes, life happens, and some kids don't get that. But to deliberately set up a child to not have a father is selfish.

Fathers are not optional. The are not needed just for their sperm. Guys, quit selling yourself short. Your babies NEED you.
 

Mercurygirl

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Gillette

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I grew up without my sperm donor. Fathers matter. Adult wishes be damned. A child needs their father.

Are you arguing against lesbian couples adopting?

Single mothers being allowed to raise their children alone?


Xenon, I wouldn't do it.
It's one thing to donate sperm anonymously it's another for a woman you've recently ended a relationship with.
It sounds like a ploy to keep you in her life, some vain hope you'll fall in love with the mother of your child.
 
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Reddhott

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Are you arguing against lesbian couples adopting?

Single mothers being allowed to raise their children alone?

Did I say that?

I am against creating children for the sole purpose of fulfilling adult selfish needs. I am against creating a situation in which the PLAN is in place for them to not have a father.

Xenon, I wouldn't do it.
It's one thing to donate sperm anonymously it's another for a woman you've recently ended a relationship with.
It sounds like a ploy to keep you in her life, some vain hope you'll fall in love with the mother of your child.

Yeah. I made that point in my earlier post.

Thanks for the selective reading.
 
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Gillette

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Did I say that?

I am against creating children for the sole purpose of fulfilling adult selfish needs. I am against creating a situation in which the PLAN is in place for them to not have a father.



Yeah. I made that point in my earlier post.

Thanks for the selective reading.
I read that and could have said "I agree with Reddhott" if you hadn't posted that garbage about children needing their father.

Children need loving homes, period. Doesn't have to be one of each gender, doesn't have to be two parents nor does there need to be a biological connection.

Shit like "A child needs their father.", parrots the close-minded arguments used to oppose same sex parenting.

Even with your clarification you're still saying that single women shouldn't have children if they so desire.
 

Reddhott

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Single women have no right to deliberately deny their children of a positive loving father. I understand life isn't perfect, and sometimes it's not possible.

Fuck the PC bullshit. A child does need their father. If it is at all possible to have them in their lives. Science, history and experience are on my side.
 

LaFemme

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Run far and run fast from your ex - things can get extremely complicated, messy and even ugly later on. At that point it's not just between the two of you, but involves the child and maybe even your future wife and children. If your ex wants insemination, she should go through the standard donor methods. It will be up to her to provide strong male role models for her child and explain parentage issues.
 

geek0

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I would say definitely do not do it. I wouldn't be too sure she was choosing you for the right reasons, she may be in hope that it will change things between you whether she is telling you that or not. Also you had better have a good legal contract as stated above if you did, because if she is doing it for the wrong reasons this could well come back to bite you in the butt. Once she realises how difficult it is to be pregnant alone or raise a child alone her reasonable argument may well change drastically.
There are official channels of doing this for a reason, some of which I just stated, why risk the fall out, donors are screened for health and family history I believe, and just because you appear healthy doesn't mean you don't carry genetics that predispose you to a certain health issue.
As for children needing their father; I think what they need is a stable home environment with plenty of love and support, can she provide this alone? does she have support from family? because being a single Mother is no joke. Has she even thought about how this will impact on herself and any future relationships she might want, or how those future relationships will affect a child?
Too many reasons to be wary I would say, tell her to do it the official way.
 

paigexox

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Fuck the PC bullshit. A child does need their father. If it is at all possible to have them in their lives. Science, history and experience are on my side.

I would like to chime in on this point as it applies to LGBT families, since I took quite an interest in human sexuality while doing my undergrad.

There is no overwhelming body of evidence that suggests that a child who is raised in a caring household, and receives the attention and input that they need, will turn out maladjusted if there is no traditional father figure present.

(Not that it applies to the overarching discussion, but I felt like playing teacher's pet)
 
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EllieP

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My daughter's sperm donor is not a part of her memory, fortunately. I knew I could be all the parent she needed, and for eight years I was. But when her real dad entered the picture her world changed for the better. I can't imagine raising her the rest of the way without him.

But to the OP I will say if you want to be a part-time dad and know there's a little you out there somewhere, but don't want to get too involved, then have at it.

It sounds sketchy to me.
 

D_Emmanuel_Goldenberg

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My daughter's sperm donor is not a part of her memory, fortunately. I knew I could be all the parent she needed, and for eight years I was. But when her real dad entered the picture her world changed for the better. I can't imagine raising her the rest of the way without him.

But to the OP I will say if you want to be a part-time dad and know there's a little you out there somewhere, but don't want to get too involved, then have at it.

It sounds sketchy to me.
You have indeed walked the walk.. Thanks EllieP.
 
D

D_Kay_Sarah_Sera

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Oh fuck. After nearly every sentence I saw a HUGE red flags. I can't believe how many emoticons I'm about to use here.....holy fuck



My girlfriend and I parted ways earlier this month. :)paranoid: seems a bit soon to ask for your sperm.....uhh) It's been a challenge for both of us, but I think I bounced back a little faster. Basically, she had fallen for me, but I hadn't fall for her, :)icon4:) although I truly did try. She has everything I like physically and mentally, but it just didn't click for me. :icon4: So, after a few months of just coasting, we decided ending it was for the best. She just turned 33 BTW, and wants a kid by age 35. :)icon4:)

Anyway, last weekend, out of the blue, she called me and we talked, and she eventually told me her "backup plan" :261: :eek222: :23: :no1: with or without a partner (at this point that plan hadn't included me). :question::question::question: :pat: She has had this plan since she was about 28. (Are you sure about that? Has she ever mentioned this before?) As we were both talking, she sort of decided right there on the spot :icon4: that she'd really want me to be the donor. :icon4: :icon4: I was totally shocked at first, but she said she didn't want an answer now, she just wanted me to think it over for a month or two and then decide.

I should add that I do trust her, and that she's very loyal, and I don't think it's just a ploy to get back together... (I think your instincts are likely spot on...but...) I should feel flattered, and I am... (Well most people would be flattered, of course =) Can't say I blame her. However, I know that you know this is such a huge decision that a bit of ego stroking would be an incomprehensibly reckless reason to bring a child into the world.) A friend of mine did it for a lesbian couple--it's actually quite a noble cause... She's still going to get fertilized even if I say no, but she'd rather it be with someone she knows (and is healthy, full head of hair, has good genes, etc. :). but... here's the thing :ponder: (the following is, I think, your gut telling you what to do and I suggest that you always follow it.)- I may still want kids myself one day, WITH the right woman, and this could really throw a curve ball into the mix later down the road. (Prudent thinking, and very true-these things are utterly unpredictable) I also know that if I was the donor, I'd probably want to be with that kid all the time (she said she'd leave up to me whether I'd be a part of his/her life)...

It is a conundrum. Any advice?
I think you already know what to do babe. Never feel bad about saying No to someone who asks you to do anything you're not 100% comfortable with. It would appear that you have not only a minefield of known variables that could be flies in the ointment, but also a vast array of unknown things that could potentially go wrong, and cause you much strife, grief and harm. You left her for a reason. This will mean that you will never be able to do that again.
 

sweetlucky12

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Yeah this is a really bad idea unless you follow local laws. That Kansas case story posted above would be the likely result in almost every state unless you go through the proper procedure.