In a twist of fate that shows the universe either really sucks at maintaining balance, or is just evil, I was granted a fictitious interview with Glenn Beck. Me: Thank you for being here Mr Beck. Glenn: I hate that guy! Me: What? Glenn: Sorry, force of habit. Me: Okay....are you crying? Glenn: Sorry, force of habit. Me: Okay...now Mr Beck you've talked a lot about people needing to stand up and take responsibility for this country. Glenn: Indeed, it's the only way we can take it back! Me: Okay....that leads into my first question. From whom are we taking it back? Glenn: From those that have stolen it! Me: Who are? Glenn: Those that hate America! Me: Who might be? Glenn: Communists. Me: Who are? Glenn: Those that support the Communist agenda! Me: Who might consist of? --/45 minutes later/-- Glenn: Robot octopi, trained monkey armies with lasers and giraffe cavalry. Me: Right...who are controlled by? Glenn: I think that was your thirty second question. Me: Ahh, reviewing my notes I see you are right....and you answered "those that also control Sesame St." I suppose we should move on. Me: Now you've often implored people to learn more about American history. Glenn: Well I think it's important people know why Paul Revere rode out, saved West Point from the British allowing the Siege of Vicksburg to be favorable thus ensuring the success of the landings in Normandy paving the way for our victory over Terrorism. Me: Wow......Okay.......um............so you have issues with people not knowing the history of the Constitution. Glenn: Yes, it's important that people know it shouldn't be changed. The progressives are always wanting to change it. Me: You don't think it should be changed? Glenn: It was perfect the way it was. Me: Even though it allowed things like slavery to exist? Glenn: Well that should be a states right to decide. Me: You don't think that the Federal Government has any duty to ensure the majority doesn't terrorize a minority? Glenn: You mean like with taxes? I mean I didn't sign up for that. Taxes to support public health care even for those that aren't wealthy. Taxes to build roads I'll never drive on. Taxes to support public education that doesn't teach kids to worship The Bible's God. Taxes for science that says we came from monkeys and that carbon is going to heat up our climate. Me: Do you have a point? Glenn: Yeah, I only like taxes that benefit me and my narrow set of interests. Me:Um....................okay.......you get points for honesty. Glenn: There are points? How do I win? Me: Tig. Glenn: What? Me: Now you go "tag." Glenn: What? Me: Then we make up a new rule, we can never play Calvinball the same way twice. Glenn: Calvin....what? Me: Being crazy is kinda fun! How are you going to stop the Seahorse collective? How are you going to stop them when they have taken the Tannhauser Gates? Glenn: I don't follow. Me: It's all very simple. I'm sure if you Google search for the terms "Seahorse" and "enemy" you will get some results. And "results" are exactly the kind of things that blind us to the real agenda. The real agenda being to deprive people of knowledge of obscure 13th century German poets that have fictional future space battles named after them. What might also have future fictional space battles named after them? India! And where was Obama recently? India. Where was algebra invented? India! What do modern American students suck at? Algebra! Where will their jobs eventually go? India! Glenn: That sounds nuts....it must be true. Tell me more! Are the Communist Monkey Armies of Pepsico behind it? Me: If I say "yes" will you join with me in fighting them? Glenn: Hey, I'm always about saving America from outrageous scenarios that are little more than invented delusional cries for help! Me: Awesome! Will you help me spread the word then? We can't let this insanely implausible threat go unnoticed. Glenn: Hey, it's what I do.