My first homoerotic (or gay?) experience

[Ominous]

So I'll keep it brief.

I consider myself a heterosexual male. I have only ever felt intimacy towards women, but I make no efforts to "guard" my masculinity. In sport, a lot of my male friends and I hug liberally, touch each other (i.e. grabbing eachothers pecs, comparing our physiques) and are just very open with our bodies in general.

I'm not sure exactly why, but the type of male friendship I develop is often open and pretty homoerotic. One hypothesis is the type of field I study. I'm a medical student and what I've found is that among this group of students the men tend to be a little more sensitive and less macho compared to others I have met. Medicine, of course, requires plenty of empathy and caring and it might translate mens' dampened views of their masculinity. Male bonding is also a popular form of stress relief when the work gets really intense. I like it that way because I can connect with my male friends better, but we have never done anything "gay" beyond the homoeroticism that I described before. Not even close.

Until this week...

There was a buddy I met in a seminar. He was a real stand-up guy, extremely confident and had an aura about him. Good looking and lots of chicks liked him. To be honest, I was jealous. When we got closer, I learned that he was way more sexually active than I was and I envied that. I was hardly sexual active, and even now I've only had sex less than half a dozen times in my life. (I'm an early 20). I just wasn't/am not as confident as him, despite him upfront telling me he thought I was the better looking one, which I never fully bought.

So as I got to know him over several months, I literally loved the dude. He was such a joy to be around, so extemporaneous, intelligent and overall extremely likeable. He hardly stressed about anything - which in medical school is next to impossible to find in someone - and seemed to not carry much weight on him (I mean that in the figurative sense, he actually has a great body). We had a really close relationship, went out to dinner and watched movies, hiked, biked, talked about women that we pursued, shared dating/sexual experiences, and so forth. Of course, he had a lot more to share than I did...since plenty of girls were interested in him.

So where it got a little interesting for us is when he learned that I had never drank alcohol and wanted to try it. Yep, in my early 20s and haven't drank. I'm from Canada, and over here we can start at 19 legally, so it was a bit of a surprise to a lot of people that I hadn't. He wanted to be there when I tried it, so we arranged a night out at his place. We originally planned to watch a movie. I had a few shots of vodka, and quickly our movie plans became irrelevant lol. Didn't feel anything for a while, but then it hit me like a truck and I was getting tipsy. Eventually, I started laughing uncontrollably for no apparent reason. He joined in...and out of the blue he says "I'm going to make out with you right now". I was shocked. I said "Dude, no". I don't consider myself homosexual, yes I am more sexually/physically open than most hetereosexual guys, but kissing another man never appealed to me. Yet, for some reason I can't put my hand on exactly, I wanted to do it. I liked his personality that much, and probably his charm and desirability among women had affected me. In addition, I was always someone who was open to experience. I've done things I haven't enjoyed before just to say that I have, and I gather that this may have been similar in terms of what I felt.

He launched himself at me so that he was on top of me on the couch. He brought his face close to mine, we laughed, and I pushed him back so that I rested my body on his. To be honest, I didn't do this on purpose - the alcohol made my body feel a bit more flimsy, but as I rested on him he kissed me on my neck. I could tell there was a huge hesitation when he did it. Nothing on the lips, and certainly no making out, as I had told him...but overall such a peculiar and confusing experience for me. And I liked it.

We still talk like we're best friends and joke about it from time to time. And we're back to talking about our throes with women. I feel no sexual attraction to men, but it's almost as if the possibility of the forbidden experience has a magnetism of its own for me.

Thoughts?

 

[petetown]

Alcohol lowers a person's inhibitions. You explained your personality well and that your friend is very sexual. Enjoy your memory and go off and be (mainly) heteosexual and prosper.

 

[biotec]

it appears to have been a grand time... do not let it get hung up, we all have times that we wish that we could done more. share with him what you liked about it and make the best of life. just my 2 cents .

 

[Heat]

Lucky you. Now quit labeling it and just enjoy the memory -- and keep open to the possibility that the same fun, sexy, honest and friendly thing will happen again. Sounds like to me like you've found the person of your dreams...

 

[Triasco]

Honestly, I agree with the others. This sounds like an experience that may or may not be waiting to happen. I'm not saying you should force it or shun it. I'm saying to let it grow as it will and if it does become an experience, just make sure that it's a good one. The only way to truly know how you feel about things you're unsure of is to do them. If you find you don't like it, no harm, no foul, now you know for sure. If you do like it, it opens up possibilities. Honestly, I've always viewed the terms "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" has limitations. I think we're all a degree of pansexual; that is to say, we are attracted to personalities as much as we are bodies. Just because you may or may not have sexual attraction to your friend has no bearing on your sexual attraction to other males or even to females. But now I'm going off topic I think.

TL;DR If the chance comes, take it, if only for the experience.

 

[lgtrmusr]

We still talk like we're best friends and joke about it from time to time. And we're back to talking about our throes with women. I feel no sexual attraction to men, but it's almost as if the possibility of the forbidden experience has a magnetism of its own for me.

Alcohol lowers a person's inhibitions. You explained your personality well and that your friend is very sexual. Enjoy your memory and go off and be (mainly) heteosexual and prosper.

Ominious - alcohol does lower inhibitions and, as we all know from alcohol advertising and bars, restaurants and ball parks all across the country, it plays a huge role in getting people together, in every sphere (naming them is not helpful). Now that you can see the possibilities and have a sense of the power and personal importance that intimacy may have for you, be open to opportunity. People find you attractive and likable. Let them enjoy knowing you and get to know them. A world of personal growth and satisfaction lies before you.

 

[223790]

Just be sure you don't want to pursue this, and you're not just pretending that you're not interested because you don't want to label yourself as gay. You will regret it years later if you really want to go further with this guy, and you let the opportunity pass you by (especially with another guy you obviously feel such a strong connection to). I speak from experience here. I had the exact same connection you described with another guy when I was in university, but didn't pursue it out of fear. At the time. he had a steady girl, and I was regularly jumping into bed with different women. That type of connection with another guy is extremely rare. It has only happened to me once, and will probably never happen again. It's not based on looks; it's about connecting on every level possible. We are both married to women now (he has kids), but what could have been haunts me daily.

 

[Naughty_Bi_Nature]

Most ppl are not afforded the kind of connection you have made with your friend. You may want to consider the fact that your friendship is better than most couples relationships regardless of sexuality. Just let things progress organically and happen as they will and don't get hung up on being labled one way or the other. Enoy your time together, you seem to have found something that many would gladly trade places with you for. An incredible opportunity may be passing right in front of you, and as they are not at all common, taking hold of it for however long it lasts might be ideal. Best of luck to ya!

 

[Ominous]

Thanks, I appreciate these perspectives.

You are all right, it is a special relationship and I'm really thankful for it. I'm becoming very open to the idea that same-sex friendships can be intimate too. It's an exciting exploration, and something I never considered before for myself. It was good of you guys to bring up the point of labels, because sexuality always felt so absolute for me. I'm beginning to realize I'm definitely on a spectrum too, though probably won't tread very far from the heterosexual pole.

 

[223790]

Thanks, I appreciate these perspectives.

You are all right, it is a special relationship and I'm really thankful for it. I'm becoming very open to the idea that same-sex friendships can be intimate too. It's an exciting exploration, and something I never considered before for myself. It was good of you guys to bring up the point of labels, because sexuality always felt so absolute for me. I'm beginning to realize I'm definitely on a spectrum too, though probably won't tread very far from the heterosexual pole.

The older you get, the less absolute you realize sexuality is. It's not black or white. There are a million shades of grey in between.

If you are interested, you can read about my experience on pages 2 & 3 (starting at post #35) of this thread:
http://lpsg.com/threads/straight-guys-whove-been-turned-on-by-a-guy-once-in-their-life.222475/page-2

 

[Ominous]

Thanks for sharing your experiences AG08, it was definitely an insightful read.

 

[Blesseddog]

To some degree I think there is a little bit of gay tendency in most of us. I don't find all guys attractive at all, but some I am attracted to. Maybe it's because it's taboo that makes it attractive.

 

[Ominous]

To some degree I think there is a little bit of gay tendency in most of us. I don't find all guys attractive at all, but some I am attracted to. Maybe it's because it's taboo that makes it attractive.

I think that could be a factor for me. But overall, what I'm realizing is that we aren't just attracted to genders, we're attracted to people... That attraction is then mediated by our innate biological tendencies to be attracted to the opposite sex. But thinking of it this way is definitely liberating.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

Sounds like he sensed discomfort and sort of backed off. There are ways to get back on that train. There are straight guys that cuddle openly. Maybe he is just more affectionate then most.

 

[Silvertip]

Sounds to me as though you already have the situation well in hand where your own feelings, curiosity and uncertainties are concerned. I say don't worry any about it, enjoy the friendship and go wherever it leads you. Just follow your own instincts.

And, if I may be allowed a digression, I was both impressed and heartened to read your words:

"I'm a medical student and what I've found is that among this group of students the men tend to be a little more sensitive and less macho compared to others I have met. Medicine, of course, requires plenty of empathy and caring and it might translate mens' dampened views of their masculinity."

I'm a generation or two ahead of you in time and for decades now I have had a strong preference for female doctors, where my routine health care needs are concerned. When I need a specialist I want the best that's available irrespective of gender, but for routine health care I've found women to show much more caring and empathy and, especially, to be more communicatory in their treatment of patients. Your own experience in med school suggests a change in male practitioners away from the tight lipped, cool, overly macho approach and, if that indeed is a trend, it is in my view one that is long overdue.

Good luck in your future endeavors!

 

[94rk2pj]

I think that could be a factor for me. But overall, what I'm realizing is that we aren't just attracted to genders, we're attracted to people... That attraction is then mediated by our innate biological tendencies to be attracted to the opposite sex. But thinking of it this way is definitely liberating.

Thanks for this thread! You totally echo my intuition: we're attracted to people! It is liberating and it is natural. i think it is an insight.

 

[223790]

I think that could be a factor for me. But overall, what I'm realizing is that we aren't just attracted to genders, we're attracted to people... That attraction is then mediated by our innate biological tendencies to be attracted to the opposite sex. But thinking of it this way is definitely liberating.

I completely agree. It's a shame that more people don't realize this. We are attracted to people rather than gender, but society has conditioned us to believe it's wrong if that person happens to be of the same gender. This is turn causes people to live miserable and unfulfilled lives.

 

[Ominous]

I'm a generation or two ahead of you in time and for decades now I have had a strong preference for female doctors, where my routine health care needs are concerned. When I need a specialist I want the best that's available irrespective of gender, but for routine health care I've found women to show much more caring and empathy and, especially, to be more communicatory in their treatment of patients. Your own experience in med school suggests a change in male practitioners away from the tight lipped, cool, overly macho approach and, if that indeed is a trend, it is in my view one that is long overdue.

Good luck in your future endeavors!

I will momentarily digress too.

It is true that the trends have indeed changed with respect to the soft qualities student-physicians possess. In the past, admission to medical school used to be mainly based on one's grades and resume. So you'd get lots of super smart and accomplished people, but not necessarily "good" people. These days applicants are heavily screened for their communication and empathy skills, as well as awareness of social complexities surrounding medicine through several different admission tools. Some people with perfect GPAs don't make it as a result - so there is simply better screening for these soft qualities and I definitely think the group as a whole (men included) are more sensitive as a result! Thanks for sharing your experiences.

 

[Stephenmass]

Ominous, at the time it happened you did what you were ready for. I don't see anything wrong with your response to it. Some "alarm" went off in your head the second he said more or less he was going to make out with you. Your instinct told you more or less "no". To have gone further at that time may have left you feeling "why did I let it get that far?". Then the guilt, etc. Now you are second thinking it all. I'm sure he is having thoughts on his actions too, "I went too fast for him", etc. It's possible that the friendship doesn't have room for sex. If that is the case, so be it. It depends on how you define yourself. I dislike labels myself, but we all label ourselves. It's the outside labels we dislike, generally not our own about ourselves. You are second guessing that you should have let it go further. He is second guessing he should have waited longer or not tried at all. Some friendships are better left as friendships without sex. Some are friendships with sex. But to start, you both have to be at the same wavelength. You both were not at that time. You both remain friends. If it goes there again, trust it will go there on its own. If it does not, maybe it's better left alone. It's rare to find a friendship that is deep and satisfying without sex. That may be good enough, it may not. Time will tell. I'm a firm believer of always trusting your instinct. Your instinct is you at the time.

 

[bbjj_789]

Ominous, thank you for this thread. It has been very interesting reading through it. I wish you the best as this friendship and your career develops. It would be awesome if you could update us on how your new friendship builds up. Best of luck!