My first post/My first gay event

[Candidate]

:hi: Hey guys, I'm new, long time lurker(well i haven't been here for awhile) first time poster. I currently live in Canada, going to a university.

Since this is a forum with such caring and articulate people, I feel like I had to become a member and get involved eventually, and this time, with my first post, I really want to get something off my chest, even though it just happened last night. I actually posted the story on a couple boards i'm a member of, but haven't got any rational comments.

So here I go:
It's this club gathering organized by my university's gay pride club. I got REALLY nervous before i made the decision to go in, i was like wandering on the streets for 15 minutes. Notice I had no gay friends around me ever, and no one i know has any suspicions about my sexuality. Anyways, i got in, it was pretty early, only the staff and some club members were there. A couple staff introduced me to a group of people (not to sound shallow, but they are pretty disfigured and unattractive). So after a while of doing nothing but standing like an idiot, I went over to the other group of people and introduced myself, there were 2 kinda hot guys that are a couple, they just continued kissing after shaking hands with me, and it was awkward... one staff member (the social guy) came in, and went straight to the bar and started talking to fellow staff, I remember talking to him on msn these couple days, I thought he was gonna be like all welcoming and nice when i introduced myself, but he was just like "oh i talked to you on msn" and went back to his conversation with a girl exec... As the night went on, people started coming in, and I struck up a conversation with whoever i can and feel comfortable with. Some are nice, some are blah. What I'm trying to say is that I kinda had a higher expectation before going into this thing, like people will come over and be relaxed, but it seemed like they only stick with people they already know, and a couple times when a couple guys i talked to left, they didnt even have the courtesy to say bye, i was sitting right there next to them!... I'm starting to think that straight people are nicer than gay, at least they have some courtesy.

But, I had fun talking to the finance guy of that club, he is sooo much hotter in person than on picture, and he's really nice too. Hes kinda like my type of guy, not gay-acting and down to earth.

Anyways, this first-time-ever coming out event is pretty much a failure, the whole time I was thinking, "you're playing with fire, outing yourself to a bunch of ignorant strangers?" but i'm not saying i'll give up. But I should seriously reconsider this coming out thing, if I have to get stuck with a bunch of self-absorbed queens, I'd better stick with some cool heterosexuals for a while...Got sooo much going on in my mind...

Please feel free to say anything. Oh sorry for posting nothing about penis in this first post, I will later...

 

[Dr Rock]

well, that sucks. bad luck; try somewhere else.

 

[MrConsumer]

Candidate,

Sorry that what you hoped would be a warm, welcoming atmosphere, turned out to be clickish and less than hospitable.

You were brave to go in, and I hope this experience doesn't make you give up trying to socialize.

It sounds like you were not a member of this gay group, but wanted to attend/join. As an already established group, it is natural that everyone will know one another and tend to socialize with one another. Of course one would hope if they were inviting outsiders to join or just to come to this one event, that they would have been more welcoming.

I think you did a remarkable job of being assertive and introducing yourself to others -- that is very hard for most people to do. And if one person brushed you off, you went up to others.

If this were a straight group, there is no guarantee that your experience would have been any different. Groups of people who know each other tend to talk to one another, and that makes it very difficult for a newbie to break into the conversation.

It seems that you found one guy you liked and who was friendly to you. That is a success. Unless you're handing out hundred dollar bills, are strikingly gorgeous, or wear a tee-shirt proclaiming a huge endowment, a stranger like you in a group is not going to draw a crowd of well-wishers.

Don't let this experience color your vision of social events or other gay people. Becoming part of a group is a process, not a one day event.

Good Luck.

 

[madame_zora]

Candidate, first off, let me welcome you as a posting member here! It's always so nice to know what people are thinking, it expands all our understanding of each other.

I hope in earnest that your experience was not because of the sexual orientation of the group, but rather a general lack of manners and grace, which I see as universal anymore. I also think you were very brave to stay and make the best of it, I'd imagine that if you stuck with the group you'd get to know more people. Even adding one new friend or acquainance per visit would be a success, right? I don't know where you are personally in the "coming out" issue, but take your time and do what feels right for you. Only you can know how you feel and what you're ready for, but I believe in the long run that living in the light will provide more comfort than having to keep quiet about a significant part of your life would.

Despite this being a less than stellar first step, it was still a first step. Congratulate yourself for taking it, anything worthwhile begins from within.

 

[invisibleman]

Originally posted by Candidate@Oct 16 2005, 01:20 PM
:hi: Hey guys, I'm new, long time lurker(well i haven't been here for awhile) first time poster. I currently live in Canada, going to a university.

Since this is a forum with such caring and articulate people, I feel like I had to become a member and get involved eventually, and this time, with my first post, I really want to get something off my chest, even though it just happened last night. I actually posted the story on a couple boards i'm a member of, but haven't got any rational comments.

So here I go:
It's this club gathering organized by my university's gay pride club. I got REALLY nervous before i made the decision to go in, i was like wandering on the streets for 15 minutes. Notice I had no gay friends around me ever, and no one i know has any suspicions about my sexuality. Anyways, i got in, it was pretty early, only the staff and some club members were there. A couple staff introduced me to a group of people (not to sound shallow, but they are pretty disfigured and unattractive). So after a while of doing nothing but standing like an idiot, I went over to the other group of people and introduced myself, there were 2 kinda hot guys that are a couple, they just continued kissing after shaking hands with me, and it was awkward... one staff member (the social guy) came in, and went straight to the bar and started talking to fellow staff, I remember talking to him on msn these couple days, I thought he was gonna be like all welcoming and nice when i introduced myself, but he was just like "oh i talked to you on msn" and went back to his conversation with a girl exec... As the night went on, people started coming in, and I struck up a conversation with whoever i can and feel comfortable with. Some are nice, some are blah. What I'm trying to say is that I kinda had a higher expectation before going into this thing, like people will come over and be relaxed, but it seemed like they only stick with people they already know, and a couple times when a couple guys i talked to left, they didnt even have the courtesy to say bye, i was sitting right there next to them!... I'm starting to think that straight people are nicer than gay, at least they have some courtesy.

But, I had fun talking to the finance guy of that club, he is sooo much hotter in person than on picture, and he's really nice too. Hes kinda like my type of guy, not gay-acting and down to earth.

Anyways, this first-time-ever coming out event is pretty much a failure, the whole time I was thinking, "you're playing with fire, outing yourself to a bunch of ignorant strangers?" but i'm not saying i'll give up. But I should seriously reconsider this coming out thing, if I have to get stuck with a bunch of self-absorbed queens, I'd better stick with some cool heterosexuals for a while...Got sooo much going on in my mind...

Please feel free to say anything.  Oh sorry for posting nothing about penis in this first post, I will later...

[post=352310]Quoted post[/post]​

I wanted to say that maybe you expected that everybody was supposed to be good-looking and you were wanting attention from the good-looking gay men. You even ignored the "ugly, disfigured and unattractive" guys. Maybe the good looking ones thought that you were "disfigured". I used to be one of those unattractive guys in high school. I know how it is being gay and not being liked because of sexuality and looks. Because somebody doesn't look "attractive" doesn't mean that they don't need a little respect and maybe some conversation at a gay "pride"
club. It isn't like you're gonna marry them. You never know you may have made some really cool friends. If you can't handle talking to these "disfigured" guys maybe you deserved that treatment you got from the rest of the group. Maybe you should rethink being "gay" and be "with some cool heterosexuals", at least they'll be more room enough for "cool homosexuals" and less shallow b---sh-t from stupid people. I also think you went to that gay pride club with wrong expectations anyway. The guys on Queer As Folk and OZ do not represent all of gay people.

 

[Pye]

I must say that I admire your courage. I did not have the balls to attend any of those functions while I was in college and your experience seems to indicate why I wouldn't have wanted to. I guess the best thing for me was finding one friend that is already 'out' in the community and going from there. I actually met him online-- we have since parted ways but it did at least break the ice. I'm not a very social person when it comes to those things because they are, in effect, a way for others to judge or ignore you.

Welcome to this board where things can be a little different and you don't have that sting of isolation or rejection.

 

[Candidate]

^^ Thanks everyone for the above understanding/comments/suggestions. I will definitely think about the whole coming out thing based on some of them.
With regards to the invisibleman's post, I just want to say I described a certain group of people as "disfigured and unattractive" because on the outside, they seem to be like that too, the same goes for the better-looking group who's ignorant and self-involved, just like the unattractive ones. But again, I certainly didnt get to know most of the people, if you feel offended or think i'm making an unthoughtful verdict, my bad... And, I don't think I can blame myself for having a somewhat high expectation, notice I don't know any gay people in my life or any experience of that sort, and my school's pride club provocates its "diversity and hospitality" as a way to attract closeted people to come out to events, of course i would have expectation as a true blue gay guy, it's totally normal.

And I really appreciate you guys for calling me brave! I didn't know I would have the courage to step in that club, the 15-20 minutes I was wandering back and forth near that club was surreal, it was utter drama, but I thought, what the hell, give it a shot. Hehe.

 

[MisterMark]

Originally posted by invisibleman@Oct 16 2005, 03:36 PM
I wanted to say that maybe you expected that everybody was supposed to be good-looking and you were wanting attention from the good-looking gay men. You even ignored the "ugly, disfigured and unattractive" guys. Maybe the good looking ones thought that you were "disfigured". I used to be one of those unattractive guys in high school. I know how it is being gay and not being liked because of sexuality and looks. Because somebody doesn't look "attractive" doesn't mean that they don't need a little respect and maybe some conversation at a gay "pride"
club. It isn't like you're gonna marry them. You never know you may have made some really cool friends. If you can't handle talking to these "disfigured" guys maybe you deserved that treatment you got from the rest of the group. Maybe you should rethink being "gay" and be "with some cool heterosexuals", at least they'll be more room enough for "cool homosexuals" and less shallow b---sh-t from stupid people. I also think you went to that gay pride club with wrong expectations anyway. The guys on Queer As Folk and OZ do not represent all of gay people.

[post=352398]Quoted post[/post]​

invisibleman, I think your response is really harsh, and frankly, unrelated to the point of his story. He was just being honest about his experience and his feelings.

 

[Candidate]

^Thanks for that. That's what I wanted to say... Well I guess he took "feel free to say anything" seriously, and know what, sometimes it's good to hear harsh comments, it makes me think better.

 

[dcwrestlefan]

Hey C,

I recall going to a "mixer" on campus once given by the gay group at my school back in the 80s. It scared the bejesus out of me. Had about the same experience as you - stood off in a corner alone while everyone else huddled in their cliques. Other people can pick up disccomfort; that might have had something to do with it. Or perhaps they were just assholes. Or maybe I was. Haha.

My social life really started to pick up after going to a bar the first time ALONE. I was scared of that too, but it quickly became a fun night. Maybe people sensed I was approachable, versus hanging with a group and not paying attention to anyone else. I also later became involved in some clubs where the guys were pretty fun. At least here, there are organizations for everything from rugby to knitting to politics. Cast a wide net; you'll catch something that you enjoy.

Don't just go for the studs. You'll find in time some of your coolest friends won't look like something out of Jock Magazine.

Welcome to the board. Enjoy. Rich.

 

[invisibleman]

Originally posted by MisterMark+Oct 16 2005, 08:16 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(MisterMark &#064; Oct 16 2005, 08:16 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-invisibleman@Oct 16 2005, 03:36 PM
I wanted to say that maybe you expected that everybody was supposed to be good-looking and you were wanting attention from the good-looking gay men. You even ignored the "ugly, disfigured and unattractive" guys. Maybe the good looking ones thought that you were "disfigured".  I used to be one of those unattractive guys in high school. I know how it is being gay and not being liked because of sexuality and looks. Because somebody doesn&#39;t look "attractive" doesn&#39;t mean that they don&#39;t need a little respect and maybe some conversation at a gay "pride"
club. It isn&#39;t like you&#39;re gonna marry them. You never know you may have made some really cool friends. If you can&#39;t handle talking to these "disfigured" guys maybe you deserved that treatment you got from the rest of the group. Maybe you should rethink being "gay" and be "with some cool heterosexuals",  at least  they&#39;ll be more room enough for "cool homosexuals" and less shallow b---sh-t from stupid people. I also think you went to that gay pride club with wrong expectations anyway.  The guys on Queer As Folk and OZ do not represent all of gay people.

[post=352398]Quoted post[/post]​

invisibleman, I think your response is really harsh, and frankly, unrelated to the point of his story. He was just being honest about his experience and his feelings.

[post=352422]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

MisterMark. I can handle honesty. I quoted some of Candidate&#39;s honest remarks. I actually read Candidate&#39;s post. Whether it was unrelated to the story and however harsh I may have come across to you or to Candidate is purely you guys&#39; opinions, I am entitled to my views and my reactions as well. If you can&#39;t see where I was coming from from the things I&#39;ve expressed, you go back and reread Candidate&#39;s original post first and then my response to his post. Do you think that attractive people deserve more attention than unattractive people? And because some unattractive people were there and weren&#39;t deserving of some conversation; and the "attractive ones" there (the ones Candidate liked) igged him, Candidate has a "change of heart" and wants to hang with the "cool heteros"? Mister Mark, I can handle honesty but if you can&#39;t see inherent wrongs with these expectations gay men have. Well, I guess you really ought to pay more attention. This isn&#39;t a problem indicative of only gay people. It is a problem of all people. Invisibleman :banghead: :shrug:

 

[Candidate]

^ok, keep in mind that I didn&#39;t just talk to "attractive" people, I also talked to those not-so-attractive ones. And for the record, did I ever say I was attracted to the better-looking crowd, I was just using a couple words randomly, and there u started picking up on these trivial details. Please read my 2nd post.

 

[invisibleman]

Originally posted by dcwrestlefan@Oct 16 2005, 08:34 PM
Hey C,

I recall going to a "mixer" on campus once given by the gay group at my school back in the 80s. It scared the bejesus out of me. Had about the same experience as you - stood off in a corner alone while everyone else huddled in their cliques. Other people can pick up disccomfort; that might have had something to do with it. Or perhaps they were just assholes. Or maybe I was. Haha.

My social life really started to pick up after going to a bar the first time ALONE. I was scared of that too, but it quickly became a fun night. Maybe people sensed I was approachable, versus hanging with a group and not paying attention to anyone else. I also later became involved in some clubs where the guys were pretty fun. At least here, there are organizations for everything from rugby to knitting to politics. Cast a wide net; you&#39;ll catch something that you enjoy.

Don&#39;t just go for the studs. You&#39;ll find in time some of your coolest friends won&#39;t look like something out of Jock Magazine.

Welcome to the board. Enjoy. Rich.

[post=352428]Quoted post[/post]​

This mirrors exactly my experience as well. You are most definately right about the studs. Getting involved with hobby clubs is a great idea.
Some of my coolest friends aren&#39;t GQ. One of those non GQ guys was my BF for six years. He loved me. He was the love of my life. He was a great friend.

Invisibleman :yourock:

 

[invisibleman]

Originally posted by Candidate@Oct 16 2005, 08:26 PM
^Thanks for that. That&#39;s what I wanted to say... Well I guess he took "feel free to say anything" seriously, and know what, sometimes it&#39;s good to hear harsh comments, it makes me think better.

[post=352424]Quoted post[/post]​

Candidate,
I am sorry that you felt my comments were harsh. I was going by what you wrote. You did say "feel free to say anything". Mister Mark thought that I had a problem with your honesty. I don&#39;t. None whatsoever. You have right to do what you want. Talk to who you want. Be with who you want. Coming out to people you want to. But come out for the right reasons and the right time. I know it was hard for you to go to the gay support group. I commend your courage and dedication in do so. I was just trying to make you see how I saw. From the way you had written about your experience, I guess I took it the wrong way. My first time going to the gay support group here in Asheville was great. I talked with everybody. I do mean everybody. Sorry about harshness. I guess I was a little ticked and maybe took it a little personal. I just hope that you really think about the reasons you come out for.

Invisibleman
I need a Pepsi... :beer: :yourock:

 

[GoneA]

Welcome aboard Candidate

It&#39;s to bad some people weren&#39;t more hospitable to you, whether they were homosexual or heterosexual. I hate it when people are blantantly rude; healthy amounts of sarcasm, witticism, and other similiar character factions are fine - but, rudeness and uncultured ways, for my part, are insufferable.

uke:
:spank:

 

[dcjohnny]

WELCOME, CANDIDATE&#33; 1) You were brave to go on in, despite your nervousness. 2) You did your part in attempting conversations with those guys, in spite of how un-welcoming so many of them were. Bad manners are bad manners. 3) Don&#8217;t give up&#33;&#33; There are nice folks out there just waiting to have a chance to meet a nice guy such as yourself. Don&#8217;t give up&#33;&#33; :hi: