jason_els
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- Joined
- Dec 16, 2004
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- Location
- Warwick, NY, USA
- Sexuality
- 90% Gay, 10% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Like I said before, he is very assertive and takes many things personally, he's the kind of person that lets no one into his life unless he 100% approves of them (seriously) and when he finally does, if that 100% approval isn't maintained, he becomes a little bitch. I hate saying it, but it's true. He has done me wrong in the past more than once because he overreacted over stupid shit. He loves drama. I've never once been involved with another person (except a couple of girls) who shit-talk and overreact to things as much as he has.
This is my guess on why he is the way he is. He realized he was gay a long time ago, hated himself for it and did not want to become friends with anyone who might discover it. Maybe this is why he became friends with a group of guys who all now have come out of the closet (except for him).
You're quite perceptive.
There's something called, 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder,' and it's quite common in people who have self-esteem problems. To counter self-loathing NPD individuals inflate their egos in an attempt to act as though there were self-confident. Control is part of that. In order for NPD types to trust someone else, they believe they must control the relationship. By controlling relationships, they control the environnment around them in such a manner that they can cope with it.
Imagine a rally car driver is being chased by the cops. The cops may be good drivers in on-road circumstances, the rally car driver will attempt to escape on dirt back roads, because those roads are the ones he can master. The same driver has been sticking to the back roads for years and years, even for normal errands because those are the ones he's familiar with. It doesn't matter if he's rushing to the hospital or driving someone else to work. He'll always take the back roads. It sounds crazy to us, but not for those with NPD. Control and domination are the tools they use to keep people on the defensive lest the NPD type loses that control and others see him for what he really is in his own mind, a self-loathing toad worthy of disgust and rejection. If an NPD type thinks that he's pushed someone too far, then he'll suddenly become happy, magnanimous, appreciative, even contrite in an effort to reel you back into his sphere of control.
Well, I am 100% positive John had a crush on me when I first met him, I was just completely oblivious of it and once I really started thinking about things, it seemingly stopped. He hasn't done anything like I've mentioned in years.
He saw that you discovered his agenda and so stopped it. He feared rejection and so backed-off.
Thinking about it however makes me pissed off, the fact that he took advantage of me in a sense. It's not just that it was creepy, but because he was also such a prick because of it too (he would say really dickish things when girls would hit on me). Like I said, he's very agressive and can be an asshole, so because of this, plus our personality clashes, tons and tons of things have caused him to be an asshole to me and although it's now in the past, it still infuriates me thinking about them again.
Gays can have a very hard time discovering how to act around other people, how to integrate socially in a world founded on straight social behaviors. Wonder why so many gay authors are witty satirists or acid-tongued masters of rebuke? It's because so many of them are always on the outside of the society in which they live. Living in the closet always puts one on the defensive, always there is an effort to not drop the mask, to never just completely relax among others. It's like being a spy. You watch social dynamics and imitate them without conviction. You avoid any situation that might reveal your secret, and at any cost. Sometimes at the cost of people he loves.
Now mix this with the really great times we've had hanging out. It's basically equal, so making a choice whether to continue being his friend or not is hard. I've never dealt with anything even close to this with any other friends because a)most of my friends are guys who dont cause stupid, useless drama and b) if i ever did sense i would not have a good friendship with someone, i would immediately cut them out of my life (relatively speaking)
You're straight. The world is filled with legions of straight guys who have dumped or even beaten the living daylights out of their best friends when they discovered they were gay.
Around you, one-on-one, he feels as though he has nothing to prove with you and may believe that he has you convinced he's straight. You're probably thinking, 'Oh hell no,' but I have to point out the level of self-delusion that those with NPD will go to maintain a facade. Very many times when a gay guy comes out to his very close friends or family they will tell him something along the lines of, "We always knew/suspected and were just waiting for you to admit it to yourself." Even then, however, the gay person will stringently watch what they do or say around their straight friends to remove any hint of sexuality from their interactions for fear of frightening the friend. They won't talk about sex, guys they meet, or anything that remotely seems gay. They've traded one facade for another one, albeit it one easier to maintain. He's got a status quo with you that he likes even if it is dysfunctional and still has a level of deception to it. That has to end.
I think I'm going to ask him why his dad thinks he's gay the next time it's appropiate to ask. We'll see what happens from there. I'm seriously doubting I even want to be his friend anymore, after typing this whole thing up and remembering all the things he has done that pissed me off. What a dysfunctional friendship I've had with him.
You don't sound like that sort of person. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. What he really needs from you is for you to assert yourself here and clear the air. Get him alone somewhere away from other people so he can put on the biggest drama production since Nicholas Nickelby. Stay calm, stay focused. Lay down the law as openly and honestly as you can possibly be. Tell him you don't care if he's gay or not, you'll still be his best friend. Tell him that you still want to see girls and hope he won't disrespect you by trying to sabotage your attempts to attract them. Tell him that you are your own man and if he's truly your friend that he will respect your choices in life including clothing and friends. If he decides to come out to other friends and family then you will be in his corner every time, cheering him on (this is a huge help, btw). It sounds like that up to now you and your friends have been enabling this behavior by letting him get away with it. No more. If you want to keep him as a real friend, he's got to confront his own demons.
Here's the hard part:
When you bring this up it will likely result in fireworks of denial and likely some really hurtful things. When that happens you must stay calm and not react. Those are his weapons of control. You disarm him then he has no choice but to face the realities and that will be emotionally painful in and of itself. What you will hear are the symptoms of the narcissistic personality disorder. Though the words are coming out of his mouth, just keep reminding yourself it's the disorder talking. He may storm off and go stew in his own juices for a while as self-acceptance will take some time and effort on his part. If he does, keep contacting him and telling him you're still his friend and you'll be there to console or help them whenever he asks. Keep your calm, stay reassuring. Don't let anything he says tell you otherwise no matter how difficult it is because he may very well try to push you away. You've seen the humbug behind the curtain and it will take time and effort on your part to make him realize you're sincere in caring about the humbug behind the curtain, not the big, floating, disembodied head braced with pots jetting flame. It could take hours or months.
Somewhere underneath all this drama is a guy who really does love you and desperately needs a friend who will accept that self-loathing toad so as to help turn it into a self-confident and happy man.