My gal and her ex boyfriends.

[D_Cam_Cunnon]

get over it. seriously.
it's a good sign that she won't go loopy, psycho stalker on you after you split, that she won't bad mouth you or try to screw you over.
why should she stop being friends with him? just because he's seen her naked and you don't like it??
women talk to their bbf every day. you don't own her. quit whining and enjoy her!

The advice is get over it and just be happy with what he has? I disagree. The situation is obviously a problem which is why it was brought up, you can't tell someone to be happy and simply accept a situation that is upsetting.

Drifterwood has it right, if this is getting in the way with the growth then there is a problem. Daily calls and nightly chats is a bit excessive in my opinion. Communication is the key so I would bring it up it calmly and assertively to let your true feelings be known and find either a solution or glean more info as to why there is so much contact.

Good luck

 

[helgaleena]

Have you got anyone in your life you are as tight with as she is with all these exes? Besides her? If you do, spend more time with those persons be they male or female. Do not hate her for being good at friendship. Be good at friendship as well.

If she has an old college crowd, you must have an old crowd too. I hope you did not drop them, unless of course they were scumbags and you only just realized it after meeting a true friend like her.

What other hobbies and interests do you two share? Develop a crowd of friends in relation to that which you can consider mutual friends. You can never have too many genuine friends. Being somebody's ex does not make it impossible to be friendly.

As for the alpha male feelings, they can be quite handy in the bedroom, heehee, but we do not live only in our bedrooms. I hope this helps you decide where to assert yourself most effectively!

 

[dolfette]

The advice is get over it and just be happy with what he has? I disagree. The situation is obviously a problem which is why it was brought up, you can't tell someone to be happy and simply accept a situation that is upsetting.

Drifterwood has it right, if this is getting in the way with the growth then there is a problem. Daily calls and nightly chats is a bit excessive in my opinion. Communication is the key so I would bring it up it calmly and assertively to let your true feelings be known and find either a solution or glean more info as to why there is so much contact.

Good luck

meh, then break up with her.

either accept her as she is or don't. if you start trying to control her friendships then it can only end in betterness and resentment. if you can't live with a girl who is best mates with her ex then find another girl.

daily chats isn't excessive contact with a best friend. and that's all he is now. i know lots of people who talk to their best mate every day.

maybe over time he'll become her best mate, and then she'll feel less need to talk to this guy on a daily basis.

but you don't try to come between your partner & their best friend.

 

[B_JonFlight]

Thanks guys and gals for all of your thought provoking posts.I have to mull them all over a bit.

Basically,she has 3 ex's,but the 8 year guy is the main guy.He has another girlfriend himself now and I'm curious about what she thinks about this.

She told me she ended the relationship because he was too predictable and there was no excitement or spontanaiety left in the relationship.Bsically he coddled her and smothered her by doing everything for her.She still thinks he is a great person but not a guy she wanted to marry.They were even engaged.

Anyway,
Cheers all!

 

[dolfette]

oh, i should add...

if she has no friends other than exes then she's a hose beast and you should run for your life. :smile:

 

[ubered]

The advice is get over it and just be happy with what he has? I disagree. The situation is obviously a problem which is why it was brought up, you can't tell someone to be happy and simply accept a situation that is upsetting.

Drifterwood has it right, if this is getting in the way with the growth then there is a problem. Daily calls and nightly chats is a bit excessive in my opinion. Communication is the key so I would bring it up it calmly and assertively to let your true feelings be known and find either a solution or glean more info as to why there is so much contact.

Good luck

Totally agree. In addition, your partner is your FIRST best friend. If that's not how she feels about it, you're with the wrong girl.

 

[dolfette]

Totally agree. In addition, your partner is your FIRST best friend. If that's not how she feels about it, you're with the wrong girl.

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

[B_JonFlight]

oh, i should add...

if she has no friends other than exes then she's a hose beast and you should run for your life. :smile:

Hahaha!! Nope,she has tons of female friends also.

 

[AlteredEgo]

If the previous relationship/s are detrimental to the development of the current one, then I would have a problem.

I wouldn't push this down her throat, but if she failed to see it, I would be wondering.

This is precisely my feelings on the matter. Her other relationships should have almost no impact on yours. As long as you are getting the attention you need and deserve, I wouldn't worry.

You're supposed to be her best friend.

Totally agree. In addition, your partner is your FIRST best friend. If that's not how she feels about it, you're with the wrong girl.

How is that supposed to happen overnight? My husband wasn't actually my best friend until much further along in our relationship than one year. I'd still say I'm closer to my best female friend than I'll ever be to him. How is he supposed to compete with 29 years of intimacy? What am I supposed to do, marry a girl?

I have still kept in touch with a couple of exes, and even some former friends-with-benefits who got shifted into the role of platonic friend. My husband chose to see it as a sign that I was able to look beyond any physical attraction that might exist, and maintain good, strong friendships long after any inkling of desire for romance from these men had faded. Besides, how could he possibly feel like a man if he complained about my friendship with my high-school sweetheart (whose wife was initially leery of me, but who eventually realized I don't want to sleep with or marry her crazy man)? I have many more female friends, and male friends with whom I have never had any sexual connection than exes, and they all know each other, and socialize together. One of my exes even sent my husband a nice gift, attaching to it a note which read, "Thank you for lending me my best friend; As you know, her insight is invaluable!"

oh, i should add...

if she has no friends other than exes then she's a hose beast and you should run for your life. :smile:

I agree. I'm very wary of anyone who cannot maintain a variety of strong emotional or social connections. There has to be a reason behind an inability to find and maintain non-sexual relationships, and usually the reason ain't good.

 

[dolfette]

How is that supposed to happen overnight? My husband wasn't actually my best friend until much further along in our relationship than one year. I'd still say I'm closer to my best female friend than I'll ever be to him. How is he supposed to compete with 29 years of intimacy? What am I supposed to do, marry a girl?

it's ridiculous. as soon as you're officially dating *kaplowie!* they're suddenly, magically the person who knows & understands you best?

 

[AlteredEgo]

it's ridiculous. as soon as you're officially dating *kaplowie!* they're suddenly, magically the person who knows & understands you best?

Yeah! Otherwise, why would you date them? I mean, if they can't know you better than you know yourself in an instant, how are they ever going to make you laugh, support you when you are attacked by doubt, take care of you when you're sick, teach you new things about life and the surrounding world, stomp roaches, catch spiders, join you on vacation, or any of the myriad other things one might expect of a boyfriend? They have to be the most intimate, closest friend in order to be that guy. Didn't you know that?

Were you really just expecting time and experience to bond you? PShh!

 

[siempie]

You do own her, she owns you too.

If it bothers you tell her to stop it. If she can't then leave her.

I would. Actually I did.

I was very strict and told her its ridiculous to keep seeing those guys.

See girlfriends instead.

 

[dolfette]

LOL!

 

[rawrg]

Plain and simple: she's a fucking bitch to keep in contact with her ex's like that and expect you to be cool with it. Man up and tell her it's bullshit because it is.

 

[dolfette]

cavemen are funny :smile:

 

[ubered]

Yeah! Otherwise, why would you date them? I mean, if they can't know you better than you know yourself in an instant, how are they ever going to make you laugh, support you when you are attacked by doubt, take care of you when you're sick, teach you new things about life and the surrounding world, stomp roaches, catch spiders, join you on vacation, or any of the myriad other things one might expect of a boyfriend? They have to be the most intimate, closest friend in order to be that guy. Didn't you know that?

Were you really just expecting time and experience to bond you? PShh!

Hey guys, come on... I never said they should be number one best friends from the outset! I think he said they've been together for a year... This was certainly time enough for me to work out that my partner was the most important person in my life. But relationships grow at different speeds - it's very subjective.

I'm glad you have great relationships with exes and between your current partner and your exes. I do too!! But for the OP, this doesn't seem to be the case - he's uncomfortable with it and he has a right to voice those concerns. I don't think he sounds overly possessive or caveman-like, maybe just a little insecure. As a couple, I'd say he has to work on this and she also has to help him by investing a bit more in him. I don't think a "deal with it" tack (Dolfette) or an "I'm fine with my partner having best friend exes" (Altered) response is of much help to the OP.

What I meant to draw attention to was simply this: if he feels like she's not willing to invest as much time and effort in him as the main person in her life, the one she confides in and tells everything to, then maybe they have different conceptions of what a relationship should look like. Put simply: if he feels like her past relationship is hindering the development of their relationship, then there's a problem.

 

[cockneedy]

my wife also loves to stay in contact with several of her old boyfriends, some more often than others, i trust her and don't stand in her way, she on the other hand blew a gasket when one of my old flames reconnected with me. i did finally find out what upset her, my wife is fucking one of the guys she stays in contact with and i guess she thinks i will do the same. good luck!

 

[dolfette]

i would go as far as to say that i'd be wary of getting involved with someone who wasn't on friendly terms with at least one of their exes...i'd wonder what this guy did to make anyone who ever dated him want to run a mile and not look back.

i just feel there's something twisted about turning several years worth of love, intimacy and affection into cold shoulder, just because they don't want to be with you anymore. i would think him petty and childish.

 

[ConstantComment]

i would go as far as to say that i'd be wary of getting involved with someone who wasn't on friendly terms with at least one of their exes...i'd wonder what this guy did to make anyone who ever dated him want to run a mile and not look back.

i just feel there's something twisted about turning several years worth of love, intimacy and affection into cold shoulder, just because they don't want to be with you anymore. i would think him petty and childish.

I don't think staying in touch with an ex is any kind of badge of honor. Not that I am totally against it (depending on how my bf handles it).

What I would find troubling is for a bf to deny that there was any good in his past relationships. I've met a number of people, both male and female, who claim that they've always been use and abused or that the relationship never should have happened. IMO, those people are toxic to a relationship.

Even though I never want to see my ex husband again, I can still think of the good that was in the relationship.

 

[Incocknito]

I have ex's who get back in touch after years or months without speaking. I never instigate it.

But I can tell you that - at least in my case - they only get back in touch when things are going bad with their current bf, or they have split up with him, or their marriage has been called off.

Since this sad realisation I just tell them to fuck off and it seems to have worked.

If my girlfriend was so chatty with her ex's (and multiple ex's at that) then I would be wary and probably end up breaking up with her.

Of course usually when I have a girlfriend they only ever think of me. Her communications with her ex's may be indicative of some sort of problem in the relationship. Maybe you are not fucking her enough or not taking her out places or speaking openly enough.