My gal and her ex boyfriends.

[rbkwp]

One of her ex's(together for 8 years) is her "best friend" she tells me and they have pretty much daily phone conversations(3 or 4 mins) and nightly online chatting sessions(20 mins or so) and monthly coffee meetings or mutual friend meetings


I try not to offer an opinion more than twice on a thread
However feel quite strongly on this one so heres my other
Above is what i consider excessive
How can a decent relationship be maintained with such contact..2/3 times a year maybe'
I put myself in the OP,s shoes and i would be down right fckn ANNOYED at the amount of time she is giving to her X of
8 years ..any sane person can only wonder wtf they are talking/doing etc etc
Surely her commitment t is to the OP now
(and i KNOW its a relationship and not a Marriage)
I am sure marriages of 20/30 years and we are taking Marriages-often would not generate such constant communication with an X
The reason/s why they broke up ....that must be taken into account and of wich us outsiders are not privy to of course.
Anyway...overall i feel so sorry for the predicament the OP is in..and fear he will end up X no 4
Just because the Lady wants to maintain such close friendships with her X,s
gggeeeeeeeeeeeeeee SAD'
enz
Again i say the X,s are the ASSHOLES

 

[dolfette]

I don't think staying in touch with an ex is any kind of badge of honor. Not that I am totally against it (depending on how my bf handles it).

What I would find troubling is for a bf to deny that there was any good in his past relationships. I've met a number of people, both male and female, who claim that they've always been use and abused or that the relationship never should have happened. IMO, those people are toxic to a relationship.

Even though I never want to see my ex husband again, I can still think of the good that was in the relationship.

i said on friendly terms...that doesn't mean they have to be seeing each other. that just means that they're friendly if they do meet.

shit, i went to my ex's wedding! we have lunch, we chat on the phone, we have no sexual interest in each other.

 

[siempie]

Don't listen to Dolfette. She is a woman who thinks she can do whatever she wants and guys should not get bothered by it.

That's fine. But as you said it does bother you, so. They're just egotistical and don't care about you.

Straighten out your girl or leave her.

It's better for you

 

[dolfette]

Surely her commitment t is to the OP now
(and i KNOW its a relationship and not a Marriage)

length of relationship doesn't decide seriousness.
i've had casual relationships that last years.
if he's not husband material then giving up her friends for a guy would be even more silly.

 

[dolfette]

Don't listen to Dolfette. She is a woman who thinks she can do whatever she wants and guys should not get bothered by it.

That's fine. But as you said it does bother you, so. They're just egotistical and don't care about you.

Straighten out your girl or leave her.

It's better for you

yes, girls are like pets.
bop hre with a rolled up paper every time she does it!

 

[AlteredEgo]

I'm glad you have great relationships with exes and between your current partner and your exes. I do too!! But for the OP, this doesn't seem to be the case - he's uncomfortable with it and he has a right to voice those concerns. I don't think he sounds overly possessive or caveman-like, maybe just a little insecure. As a couple, I'd say he has to work on this and she also has to help him by investing a bit more in him. I don't think a "deal with it" tack (Dolfette) or an "I'm fine with my partner having best friend exes" (Altered) response is of much help to the OP.

The idea is not to insist that his situation is as kosher as mine, but to insist that it is entirely possible that it is, and to assert the possibility that the problem exists entirely in his head.

I happen to have a philosophy regarding the relationships of my significant other. When I met him, he had certain relationships in place. I accepted him, and therefore, I accepted those relationships. All of them. My role in his life is one of enhancement, not destruction. Unless the people he knows are harmful to him, why should I intervene in any way?

Do you know what would happen if my man had gotten pissy about my friendships with other men, and friendships with exes? I'd have wondered what he was doing that made him unable to trust me. I would have assumed it meant he was the untrustworthy one, and I'd have left him cold. We would not remain friends.

What I meant to draw attention to was simply this: if he feels like she's not willing to invest as much time and effort in him as the main person in her life, the one she confides in and tells everything to, then maybe they have different conceptions of what a relationship should look like. Put simply: if he feels like her past relationship is hindering the development of their relationship, then there's a problem.

Really? he says her time-investment in the friendship which concerns him is fewer than 25 minutes a day. Unless they live in separate cities, I'm sure he gets far more of her time and energy than that.

The fact is, he says he's a jealous person. That's his issue to sort through. People don't make us respond a certain way, only we control that. He says her exes are part of a separate social circle. Why should she make all of the sacrifices? What if she gives up all of her friends from that circle to put his insecure mind at ease, and they break up? She would then have to start over. Meanwhile, what has he done to mesh his life with hers? Has he tried to be social with her friends and acquaintances? Has he invited her to be social with his?

You seem to think the only solution is to completely isolate her from her past. That seems so lame, so overbearing and controlling, that were she my sister, I'd urge her to run. To me, the most valuable aspect of my adulthood, is my autonomy.

 

[dolfette]

You seem to think the only solution is to completely isolate her from her past. That seems so lame, so overbearing and controlling, that were she my sister, I'd urge her to run. To me, the most valuable aspect of my adulthood, is my autonomy.

yup that's my view too.
don't try to change her. if you can't live with a girl having male friends then go find a girl who doesn't have male friends. live with it or move on.

 

[ubered]

Dolfette and AlteredEgo both make really good points, and have made me think much more about the ins and outs of this. It's not so clear cut for me though, and my view on it is evolving - so please bear with me.

The fact is, he says he's a jealous person. That's his issue to sort through. People don't make us respond a certain way, only we control that. He says her exes are part of a separate social circle. Why should she make all of the sacrifices?

Please read my second post again, I did mention his insecurity and the fact that he had to work on this. I wasn't putting the onus solely on her. I therefore didn't suggest she had to make all the sacrifices. What I did say was that as a couple it's something they have to work on together. I think this is fair enough, considering they're in a relationship.

You seem to think the only solution is to completely isolate her from her past. That seems so lame, so overbearing and controlling, that were she my sister, I'd urge her to run. To me, the most valuable aspect of my adulthood, is my autonomy.

This is a bit of an exaggeration. I never even remotely suggested she should isolate herself from her past - which would be totally ludicrous. Nor was I suggesting that one always has to be best mates with exes.

A relationship is a two way street. All I was saying was that from his side he needs to work out his insecurity/jealousy issues and she needs to think about whether her relationship with her ex is taking emotional space away from her partner. I just don't think it's only one person's responsibility. Nor do I think there's anything overbearing or controlling about trying to see things from both sides.

I totally understand Altered's and Dolfette's perspectives on this, especially since it seems like she's done her best to reassure him. You're right in the sense that one can only reassure an insecure person to a certain extent, after that it's their job to deal with their insecurity. I just meant to suggest that there does seem to be a problem, at the moment it's his problem - but if not dealt with it's going to fester and grow and become a problem for both of them. My point is simply that they both have to work on this.

By the way - Happy Christmas :biggrin1:

 

[helgaleena]

Happy Xmas to you all too! Just jumping in to say I agree with Dolfette. Trying to change a person does not work. Trying to love them as they are does work. The siempie person is not willing to love a girl as she is and gives her the boot if she does not change, but does not think his mind might change, ever!

I posted on another thread about my ex. He got very upset when I tried to invite my exes to our wedding. I should have seen the warning in that. It turns out he had many relationship skeletons in his closet and they did us in. Unlike him I have never blamed exes for growing away from me. I grow away from them too sometimes.

 

[B_ccc888]

Fuck with the Pros' but marry only with the Virgins..............

Just my 2 cents guys !

 

[Twistbarbie]

actually, I understand the OP's concerns. However my circumstances are different, things are still a few months young, he has kids with his ex, it's a distance relationship, all of which put a little pressure on things....but I accept it as part of the package....the thing that makes me uncomfortable is to see his kids he stays over with the ex...this xmas that's where he is. That stresses me because I know how xmas can make people all warm, fuzzy and nostalgic....all fine as long as his crotch doesnt get all warm, fuzzy and nostaligic :frown1: Now I'm sure if anything was going on they'd have plenty of opportunity as he see his kids every week. But I won't lie and say yeah I've got no problem with it. I don't mind if anyone thinks I'm paranoid, I know it's not logical but I feel how we feel, it's how we act on them which we have control over. Because things are new I don't feel it appropriate to bring the issue up with him, we'll see how things go. I wouldn't ask him to stop, that would be unfair but just consider how uncomfortable it makes me. :frown1:

OP I don't think you're wrong to feel this way. The only thing I would suggest because you know your girl better than anyone here is talk with her. Perhaps find a way to let her know how you feel without making it sound like you're wanting her to cut her past ties. You dont want to come over as wanting to control her or who she talks with. Just let her know that you're there to talk to as well as her other friends.

 

[dolfette]

yeah i can see how that would make you feel insecure, barbie.

kudos to you for putting his kids ahead of your insecurities!
hopefully he'll know that he's a lucky man to have a girl as cool as you are. few people show your maturity. you're one in a million!

keep reminding yourself that she's his ex for a reason...one didn't want the other. and that kids take over at xmas with over excitement and sugar rushes...between thier staying up late, waking at dawn and wanting a glass of water in the night they'll be distracted from any adult ideas.

i bet he can't wait to see you again.

 

[Twistbarbie]

yeah i can see how that would make you feel insecure, barbie.

kudos to you for putting his kids ahead of your insecurities!
hopefully he'll know that he's a lucky man to have a girl as cool as you are. few people show your maturity. you're one in a million!

keep reminding yourself that she's his ex for a reason...one didn't want the other. and that kids take over at xmas with over excitement and sugar rushes...between thier staying up late, waking at dawn and wanting a glass of water in the night they'll be distracted from any adult ideas.

i bet he can't wait to see you again.

Thanks for the support Dol :smile:
What kind of bitch would I be to demand he doesnt see his kids! And I've known women do that.
without hijacking the thread. It is really, really difficult to keep the negative talk out my head. I need more Vulcan blood I guess :tongue:

(actually may start a new thread to waffle on!)

 

[dolfette]

Thanks for the support Dol :smile:
What kind of bitch would I be to demand he doesnt see his kids! And I've known women do that.
without hijacking the thread. It is really, really difficult to keep the negative talk out my head. I need more Vulcan blood I guess :tongue:

(actually may start a new thread to waffle on!)

i've stayed over at my ex's a few times.
nookie was the last thing on our minds!
most of the time, friendly as we are, i was thinking {and i bet he was too} ''how on earth did i bear a 7 year relationship with this person???'':biggrin1:

you seem pretty keen on him.
i hope he deserves you.

 

[Twistbarbie]

i've stayed over at my ex's a few times.
nookie was the last thing on our minds!
most of the time, friendly as we are, i was thinking {and i bet he was too} ''how on earth did i bear a 7 year relationship with this person???'':biggrin1:

you seem pretty keen on him.
i hope he deserves you.

as much as I hate to admit it, I am :redface:, trying not to be though for when the shit hits the fan:biggrin1:
We'll see, he may reveal himself to be a world class idiot.

 

[woodyq]

We've been together for a year and are doing pretty good relationshipwise, except for the fact that my gal loves to keep in regular contact with her ex's.

One of her ex's(together for 8 years) is her "best friend" she tells me and they have pretty much daily phone conversations(3 or 4 mins) and nightly online chatting sessions(20 mins or so) and monthly coffee meetings or mutual friend meetings

Just last week,her last ex(different guy) phoned her up after almost a yearly hiatus and she was so happy to hear from him and has been chatting with him a few times over the past week.

When I bring this up,she tells me I'm jealous and there is nothing to worry about as they are only friends and all the relationships ended without animosity and there's no reason why they still can't be friends.

She tells me she loves me and that I don't have to worry.I'm naturally a jealous person but this is really getting to me.

What do all of you think about this situation?

old thread but me personally would have mentioned...casually as if it is no big deal i was grabbing lunch or a coffee with one of my ex's