My husband gave me permission to cheat

[Wish-4-8]

Just a question to the OP.

Was the sex ever good? You have known him for 20 years and married for 8. You married him knowing all this. Or did this all happen in the last few years? When did he gain weight, or was he already heavy? Not to lay a guilt trip on you, but some good points about marriage have been brought up. Its one thing if the idea of "open" marriage was discussed before you two got married then after the fact.

Him saying that he just wants you to be happy reminds me of when women say that you dont have to get them anything for Valentine's Day. In other words, the gesture is offered, but you better NOT take it. This is the part that you say, "I love you for saying that, but I am sticking with you for better or worse, in sickness and in health," and the rest.

So he said it, but like this point has been brought up, I dont think he really means it. Only because you two were not like that BEFORE you were married.

 

[dreamer20]

My husband gave me permission to cheat...
Last night he told me he wanted me to be happy and that if I found that sexually with someone else he was ok with it as long as I didn't tell him or talk to him about it and as long as I came home to him...
I know it always looks "greener on the other side" and know that cheating is a selfish act.

Your husband's insistence that you hide the truth from him indicates he's not "ok with it" and is tormented by this decision. Tell him you cannot accept his present proposition as it is awkward and unworkable. Furthermore if he genuinely had no reservations regarding the proposed extra marital sex there would be no need for you to have to sneak around and lie about it.

 

[jdoe86]

She's 34 and has been with him for 20 years... Is this accurate? And I take it you were a virgin, was he a virgin too? I am all for people exploring their sexuality and having an open marriage, but who's to say that this is what is going to work for you? Even if you don't tell him you are "stepping out", he will know. Before you jump ship and start looking for some strange penis, maybe you can go through some Sex Counseling and Therapy.

 

[xeo]

call me an asshole but the husband sounds like he's lazy. he'd rather give up and have you go somewhere else than work harder and lose weight

 

[tiedhands]

I don't know if this'll work out for you, or more likely, him. If I were him, I'd just be working that much harder to please you, not admit defeat and just pass you off. My best friend and her husband had an agreement that if they were gonna cheat, they would tell the other beforehand (weird, I know), and long story short, it didn't work out. It's gonna be impossible for him to not get jealous. I'd NEVER let my gf/wife go with another man. The notion that he cares for you that much is nice, but there's got to be a better way. You've got to find a better way to become sexually fulfilled...

 

[CockinPussyLover]

I have suggested sex therapy, I have had my own therapy, and I have been supportive of him seeking therapy as well.

I have also been supportive in him losing weight and have provided all the tools to do so, gym membership etc.

I can't make him lose weight although I want him to for his health and otherwise. I also cannot make him go to therapy although I did print out a list of potential therapists for him and also for us in regards to sexual therapy.

I don't have any advice on the open relationship part. But it sounds to me that he isn't really trying to please you sexually. This is a huge problem in your marriage and he isn't willing to address it and could ultimately lead to you two splitting up. He needs to be made aware of this and it seems to me you are already going down this path since he reluctantly wants you to "cheat" on him and you are sexually dissatisfied. It seems like some men(and women too) when they get in a stable relationship stop trying to please their partner. It's laziness and taking their spouse for granted. And finally, when shit hits the fan and the woman leaves him or threatens to leave him, then he decides he wants to change. Sometimes it's enough and sometimes it's too little too late. If you value your marriage you need to have a serious talk with him about this and explain to him in specific terms what you need from him sexually, and if he's unwilling to meet those terms then tell him what the consequences of that will be.

I've been down a similar road with an ex who was my best friend, but the sex was similarly lacking. It was good at first, but I think it was because it was new and exciting at the time. But eventually I needed more and asked it of him, but he was never really willing to try. Finally (after he moved away on top of it), when I started dating someone else, did he come back to me wanting to change and please me sexually. But by then it was too late to salvage the relationship and it ended completely. His excuse at the end for him not trying more was that he thought "it wasn't that important." It is.

 

[a_uncensored]

I have really been appreciative of the female perspective on my problem. After all it's not as if you ask your mum about this sort of advise.

I do believe he has given up on himself .... emotionally, physically, and sexually. I know he wants me to be happy and loves me but him saying that he doesn't want to know makes me feel like he really doesn't want me to go elsewhere even though he said I could.

I am going to talk to him more - I am going to suggest the marriage counseling and therapy for himself again - and I'm going to try and tell him how much it means to me that he's physically healthy which could also help our sex life.

Someone asked if we were both virgins when we got together - yes - we each have only been with eachother. Although he dated more in high school than I did - be was basically my first boyfriend and only ever serious relationship.

 

[korinaus]

I have really been appreciative of the female perspective on my problem. After all it's not as if you ask your mum about this sort of advise.

I do believe he has given up on himself .... emotionally, physically, and sexually. I know he wants me to be happy and loves me but him saying that he doesn't want to know makes me feel like he really doesn't want me to go elsewhere even though he said I could.

I am going to talk to him more - I am going to suggest the marriage counseling and therapy for himself again - and I'm going to try and tell him how much it means to me that he's physically healthy which could also help our sex life.

Someone asked if we were both virgins when we got together - yes - we each have only been with eachother. Although he dated more in high school than I did - be was basically my first boyfriend and only ever serious relationship.

I really hope you and your husband settle well within your marraige. I think only the husband who really loves the wife can say that you could even cheat as long as you are happy even though he really doesn't want to.

 

[invisibleman]

I've been with my husband for 20 years married for 8 and have only ever been with him. I have only cum once with him during sex all the rest of my cumming experiences are on my own.

I have tried telling him what I want, showing him, talking, toys ...

Last night after sex he told me he wanted me to be happy and that if I found that sexually with someone else he was ok with it as long as I didn't tell him or talk to him about it and as long as I came home to him. He said he just wants me to be happy and that he's not sure he can do that sexually.

He's of average penis size - bigger may be nicer but I just want it hotter stronger and for more time - I've talked to him on all this.

I know it always looks "greener on the other side" and know that cheating is a selfish act.

I have heard all kinds of bewares from friends but since I have very little experience since I've never been with anyone else - I thought I'd ask you guys and gals who have had experience in this arena.

So do I find sexual happiness elsewhere and do the expirimenting that I wish I had done before I got married or should I stay true knowing that we may never have a great or good sex life?

BTW it's not like this is a new change for us sexually - it's never been earth shattering for us even though we are best friends.

Get a lawyer. Get it in writing. Because you will still look like the cheating wife...and he can divorce you.

 

[dolfette]

i think he's being a lazy, selfish arse!

this isn't him thinking it would be fun to spice things up.
this is him being too lazy & selfish to work on being healthy and giving you the sex you need, and it's a complete cop out to tell you to go find it elsewhere...he doesn't want you to cheat. that's why he doesn't want to know. but it's the easy option for him...you'll quit expecting him to work at satisfying you. then he can have as little sex as he likes, in the least giving way, without feeling an obligation to make it work for you.

how do i know this? because it's exactly the same shit i pull for pretty much the same reason! i don't care that much and i can't be bothered to keep making the effort. difference is, i'm honest that i'm a selfish bitch.

you want some decent loving? go out and get it.
but i'll put money on you finding someone more giving, start resenting mr too-fat-to-shag and leave his arse for someone who makes you feel like a goddess!

...do i lack tact?

 

[Manbearpig]

find yourself a guy with a big dick and get fucked like you should and enjoy yourself.

forget about overanalysing. i know that's what girls do but like Nike says "Just do It"

 

[D_Mylor Mentallydaft]

listen to me VERY CAREFULLY

make 100% god damn dead on balls certin he's ok with it before you even kiss a guy. HE COULD BE TESTING YOU..... and also he could be assuming he'd be ok with it and find out he's not, then you have thrown a life long relationship away.

and lastly.... HE COULD, be cheating on you or have some one in mind...... I know I am way to paranoid and think too much like a spy but nothing changes for no reason, make DAMN sure you're not going to regret it and that you're not getting worked

p:s, as stated before, if your monogomy isn't something you chose but were forced into, you're not only cheating him you've been cheating yourself.

 

[nardo2086]

I dont think it's called cheating if he's given you permission to screw someone else.

 

[B_quietguy]

Can you really cheat on someone if they know?

Yes. I think the partner has to both know and consent.

 

[dreamer20]

My best friend and her husband had an agreement that if they were gonna cheat, they would tell the other beforehand (weird, I know)...

No, that's not weird. It's so one will be informed and aware as opposed to an alternative of lies and deception, worrying about a spouse's unexpected absence and experiencing shocks and surprises when one stumbles upon the truth.

 

[porter111]

Don't listen to Dolf, shes just bitter cause men didn't treat her well in the past and she was to dumb to leave them and find a nice guy! Your husband needs encouragement and support, as to our prior discussions, you were almost at a breakthrough point, keep it up and things will change. Going out and finding another guy for a fling will only leave you feeling empty and lonely, cause most likely the guy will not want to stick around with a married woman. Theres more to life than sex!

 

[D_Mansworthy Meatwrench III]

Another reason to not get married at all.
(Works out great for me.)

Easy rules:
If she is married, I won't touch her.
If he knows and sent her....I have to think about it for a while.
(And I may very well not do it. I have no problem turning it down. Haven't done THAT in years.)

I always ask beforehand, I am certain some have lied.
I can't fix that, but I can do my part to make sure I have absolutely NO hand in that shit.

I, personally, don't believe in "open" relationships.
If I am going to marry you (and I have never been either), I am marrying YOU.
I am man enough to not fuck around on you. Whether you know it or not, want it or not. And it is easy (to me), if my wife came to me asking for that, I would divorce her instantly. She obviously doesn't have much respect for me, herself, or marriage.

If she wants to step out on me, so be it, she won't be stepping back.
First time is the last time. I WOULD, however, respect her a helluva lot more if she had some backbone, and walked in and said she is hitting the bricks. But people are weak-minded, and weak-willed in this day and age "I want, me, me, I, I" as it is, so none of the stories I hear surprise me anymore.

Good old humanity for you.
Never stops.
And people wonder why guys won't get married.
This would be one of the many reasons.

 

[deleted356736]

This is a good reason why two virgins should never marry each other. It's easy for a man to help a woman to orgasm, if he knows what he's doing. While relatively few women orgasm through intercourse alone, most men know this and know how to help a woman orgasm in other ways, oral sex probably being the most common. By the time I married my wife who was a virgin at the time, I had learned from other partners what to do and we've had a very good sex life over the decade. So this thread is not a reason why couples shouldn't marry, because sex in marriage can be marvellous if you've got the right experience.

A man can only help a woman to orgasm, and it's not his responsibility to ensure it. What has the OP been doing for the last 8 years? She knows how to bring herself to orgasm, so why not show him? That's how I learned! Sex is between two people, and it's the responsibility of both to make sex good. There's even a possibility, if not a probablility, that another man won't help this woman to orgasm either.

There's lots of material around on sex, women and orgasms, and one of the best is the book 'she comes first'. Get the book, read it, put it into practice, because it's all about what most of the members of this forum do as a matter of course.

 

[dreamer20]

...It's easy for a man to help a woman to orgasm, if he knows what he's doing. While relatively few women orgasm through intercourse alone, most men know this and know how to help a woman orgasm in other ways, oral sex probably being the most common... my wife ...was a virgin...I had learned from other partners what to do and we've had a very good sex life...

A man can only help a woman to orgasm, and it's not his responsibility to ensure it. What has the OP been doing for the last 8 years? She knows how to bring herself to orgasm, so why not show him?

I've been with my husband for 20 years married for 8 and have only ever been with him. I have only cum once with him during sex all the rest of my cumming experiences are on my own.

I have tried telling him what I want, showing him, talking, toys ...

^^

 

[Jeshua]

i like what porter says... theres more to life than sex! Obviously you can talk all of this through with your husband, and try endlessly to get him to get in shape and change his sexual approach, but if you really love him, i dont see why its necessary to go out and find someone just for sex. i mean really, i know this is a large penis forum and we all enjoy sex, but there is so much more in life. who cares about a good fuck, wouldnt you just rather be happy and content with knowing you have someone in your life looking after you?