I have an account on here, yet I prefer to keep my anonymity. I'm not sure what to do tbh, so if anyone could give me advice, I'd be really happy.
I was born with CP so basically I can't walk by myself. As a kid I could crawl and sit on the floor etc. perfectly fine. I loved playing in parks and riding a bike. My love for reading started back then. I had friends, mostly girls and we played role-playing games I guess. For obvious reasons, I couldn't play soccer/ climb trees etc. I had the typical boyish toy guns etc. My life felt normal because somehow other kids were willing to bend the rules/ find ways to make me feel like I belong even though I couldn't move around as actively as them.
All seemed well. Until... My parents tried to get me to go to kindergarten. No one was willing to enroll me, given I'm disabled. I still played with my friends so not that much caring on my part.
I eventually had to at least try going to school. Before that my parents decided that a surgery could help me get more mobile. It failed miserably and now I can't sit properly, bend my legs etc. Growing, my spine bent and several of my joints got awkward because of the plaster cast misalignment. Back to school talk. Again, people tried rejecting me based on my disability and my grandmother had to use some old connections (I was told of all that years later) in order to give me some chance in life. I loved studying. But thatst when hell started. The ‘pupular kids’ would always bully me. I had a small nerdy circle of really close friends and again... I thought that there's always a chance things go well further down the road.
Highschool came and it got worse. Much worse. The bullies started ‘accidentally’ finding ways to physically hurt me. I eventually got weird. Again, a small nerdy circle of friends. I believed that at uni, where I'd set on studying Japanese, I'd meet other nerds and eventually make proper friends, or even find a girlfriend. HS is HS, so all my friends started dating. I had several crushes. Tried inviting the girl I liked out, but I got rejected. This became a thing. Me being rejected. I didn't lose hope at first, but it eventually started eating at me from the inside. I thought that maybe something is wrong with me.
I started crushing on guys, too. They happened to be straight, so nothing there. Eventually, a friend of mine and I experimented with each other and I discovered that I'm basically bi. Sex, however ruined our friendship.
University came. I had hoped I'd fit in better amongst people who share a passion. And again, groups formed around popular people, or gamers, anime nerds etc. I wasn't even allowed to watch much TV as a kid, so I was the odd one out again.
Right before I started my final year, I finally found a girl whom I liked and she seemed willing to give me a chance, even if I was three years her senior and disabled. The last part bugs me because ever since I was little I believed I'd grow to be sporty, buff and thus achieve my understanding of being a good, strong man, both on the outside and on the inside. I got offered rehabilitation which is a physical exercise, but it does not help you achieve better ‘vision’ and that seems to be important. My good-looking friends are enjoying their youth partying, dating, having one night stands, traveling, mountain climbing etc. I rot at home and study. The girl I mentioned dumped me because she needed ‘adventure’. I lost hope. My body started hurting because if all the things that are wrongly rotated etc. I cannot do proper exercise like that. Just turned 25 and I realised Im never going to experience normal teenage stuff...
Almost no one is willing to socialize with me. I basically feel awful, because I cannot be the man I want to be. I don't have the money to try one final crazy surgery (I did 4 more as a teen to try and improve something, they didn't fail at least). And I have an awesome chance at studying my Master's in Japan, but my body is getting worse. If my post-surgical rehabilitation happens to take years, I may not be able to go to Japan. I live in Bulgaria (Eastern Europe), but it's an awful place to happen to be disabled in. No care whatsoever offered by the state apart from awkward things such as free train passes. Trains are old, so basically inaccessible. Given my legs, I can't take care of myself.
My friends meet, do sports together etc. I just like their pics on Facebook...
People tend to discriminate around here. I never had a school trip because I was disabled, for example.
No idea what to do. I want to study in Japan. But I want the mobility I had as a kid back, too. It'd allow me try more stuff and feel better about myself. Maybe even try a disability sports club or something.
In case you're wondering why I want to study in Japan, I was there for a bit as part of my Bachelor's degree course and I loved everything. I want to learn more about the culture, the people and their way of life, values etc. There I learned disability sports was even a thing and this gave me some hope.
But Bulgaria just pretends disabled people don't exist. Nobody cares.
Thank you for the patience. If you have any advice, I'm all ears.
I was born with CP so basically I can't walk by myself. As a kid I could crawl and sit on the floor etc. perfectly fine. I loved playing in parks and riding a bike. My love for reading started back then. I had friends, mostly girls and we played role-playing games I guess. For obvious reasons, I couldn't play soccer/ climb trees etc. I had the typical boyish toy guns etc. My life felt normal because somehow other kids were willing to bend the rules/ find ways to make me feel like I belong even though I couldn't move around as actively as them.
All seemed well. Until... My parents tried to get me to go to kindergarten. No one was willing to enroll me, given I'm disabled. I still played with my friends so not that much caring on my part.
I eventually had to at least try going to school. Before that my parents decided that a surgery could help me get more mobile. It failed miserably and now I can't sit properly, bend my legs etc. Growing, my spine bent and several of my joints got awkward because of the plaster cast misalignment. Back to school talk. Again, people tried rejecting me based on my disability and my grandmother had to use some old connections (I was told of all that years later) in order to give me some chance in life. I loved studying. But thatst when hell started. The ‘pupular kids’ would always bully me. I had a small nerdy circle of really close friends and again... I thought that there's always a chance things go well further down the road.
Highschool came and it got worse. Much worse. The bullies started ‘accidentally’ finding ways to physically hurt me. I eventually got weird. Again, a small nerdy circle of friends. I believed that at uni, where I'd set on studying Japanese, I'd meet other nerds and eventually make proper friends, or even find a girlfriend. HS is HS, so all my friends started dating. I had several crushes. Tried inviting the girl I liked out, but I got rejected. This became a thing. Me being rejected. I didn't lose hope at first, but it eventually started eating at me from the inside. I thought that maybe something is wrong with me.
I started crushing on guys, too. They happened to be straight, so nothing there. Eventually, a friend of mine and I experimented with each other and I discovered that I'm basically bi. Sex, however ruined our friendship.
University came. I had hoped I'd fit in better amongst people who share a passion. And again, groups formed around popular people, or gamers, anime nerds etc. I wasn't even allowed to watch much TV as a kid, so I was the odd one out again.
Right before I started my final year, I finally found a girl whom I liked and she seemed willing to give me a chance, even if I was three years her senior and disabled. The last part bugs me because ever since I was little I believed I'd grow to be sporty, buff and thus achieve my understanding of being a good, strong man, both on the outside and on the inside. I got offered rehabilitation which is a physical exercise, but it does not help you achieve better ‘vision’ and that seems to be important. My good-looking friends are enjoying their youth partying, dating, having one night stands, traveling, mountain climbing etc. I rot at home and study. The girl I mentioned dumped me because she needed ‘adventure’. I lost hope. My body started hurting because if all the things that are wrongly rotated etc. I cannot do proper exercise like that. Just turned 25 and I realised Im never going to experience normal teenage stuff...
Almost no one is willing to socialize with me. I basically feel awful, because I cannot be the man I want to be. I don't have the money to try one final crazy surgery (I did 4 more as a teen to try and improve something, they didn't fail at least). And I have an awesome chance at studying my Master's in Japan, but my body is getting worse. If my post-surgical rehabilitation happens to take years, I may not be able to go to Japan. I live in Bulgaria (Eastern Europe), but it's an awful place to happen to be disabled in. No care whatsoever offered by the state apart from awkward things such as free train passes. Trains are old, so basically inaccessible. Given my legs, I can't take care of myself.
My friends meet, do sports together etc. I just like their pics on Facebook...
People tend to discriminate around here. I never had a school trip because I was disabled, for example.
No idea what to do. I want to study in Japan. But I want the mobility I had as a kid back, too. It'd allow me try more stuff and feel better about myself. Maybe even try a disability sports club or something.
In case you're wondering why I want to study in Japan, I was there for a bit as part of my Bachelor's degree course and I loved everything. I want to learn more about the culture, the people and their way of life, values etc. There I learned disability sports was even a thing and this gave me some hope.
But Bulgaria just pretends disabled people don't exist. Nobody cares.
Thank you for the patience. If you have any advice, I'm all ears.
