My Man Wants To Use A Strap On (Women Reponses Only Please)

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by B_lauaraneeds, Nov 21, 2010.

  1. B_lauaraneeds

    B_lauaraneeds New Member

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    Ok ladies I need some solid advice. My guy has a small penis. I know it, he knows it, no biggie. I love the guy. He knows that I have enjoyed a laege penis before and wants to give that to me. He asked me the other night what I would think about him buying a strap on with a large dildo. I try to change the subject.

    It kind of creeped me out a little. It's just not sexy for a guy to use a strap on. He has brought it up a couple more times and I told him we would talk about it later.

    I don't know where he got this idea from.

    My question is have any of you ladies had this happen to you ever? If so how did you handle it? As of late, he has started talking about how small he is and wanting to try all kinds of methods to increase his size. I told him I was in love with him and not just his penis...

    What do I do? He seems to be going to a bad place,,,,
     
  2. AlteredEgo

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    He doesn't have to be suffering from low self esteem to want to use this kind of toy with you. He could just be feeling experimental. It's just a sex toy, and any negative you assign to it is placed there by you, and not inherent in the object itself. But if you don't find it sexy, just tell him so. There's no reason to do anything either of you doesn't want to do.
     
    vibrationzzz likes this.
  3. TinyPrincess

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    Exactly - this must be the most important question for you...
     
  4. petite

    petite New Member

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    I've never considered a strap on before either, until I noticed that they make a kind of strap-on so that a woman can be double penetrated by one man. I haven't mentioned it to TheBF, but I am curious what it would feel like, his penis in one place, a toy in the other, at the same time... I find that idea intriguing. It could be very pleasurable.

    I would be uncomfortable if my guy wanted to start PE, too, if he was a small guy, because I wouldn't want it to go to that "bad place" that you mentioned, either.
     
  5. bid6555

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    I know you said women only, but the big issue here is not penis size. It is lack of self respect, and you possibly losing respect for him if he keeps it up. I really think you need to step up to the plate and nip this in the bud. When he brings it up again tell him you don't like, never will like it and you don't want to hear about it again. In the meantime show him how much you like what he has.

    WR
     
  6. petite

    petite New Member

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    I agree. You might want to try to nip it in the bud!

    He has never brought it up and I had never heard of PE until I joined LPSG, but after I found out what it was, I went on a rant about how if he ever tried PE, I would go on the war path and how I would fight dirty, and I never fight dirty. I elaborated by telling him how I would not only withhold sex from him, I would sabotage his equipment, and I'd do everything I could to undermine his efforts as much as possible until he gave it up. I was semi-joking because that rant was meant to make him laugh, and it did, but I was being semi-serious, too, about how I would react. I really would do that if he started PE!
     
  7. AlteredEgo

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    I disagree. Is it a lack of self respect when other men want to use dildoes as part of sex play? You people are all projecting.
     
  8. petite

    petite New Member

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    Not the use of dildos, he's talked about his insecurity with his penis size and how he wants to start PE because of it, which would make me uncomfortable, too, if I was happy with him and the way things are. She thinks his interest in the strap-on is because he thinks he isn't satisfying her and she'd be happier with a dildo, and she doesn't feel that way.

    I see nothing wrong with using dildos during sex, but it becomes a different matter if I thought my guy thought I preferred a dildo to his penis. That's what I think she needs to nip in the bud, that entire train of thought that a dildo is preferable.
     
  9. AlteredEgo

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    Diamonds to donuts she didn't ask him if that's the way he felt, or she'd have included that in her post. Therefore, she is projecting too.

    On this subject, there are really three kinds of thought that I have encountered. Some men think, "I'd never use an extender! How humiliating!"

    Some men think, "I'd love to know what it was like to fuck her with a cock that was longer, thicker, or both. Could be fun!"

    Some men think, My cock can't possibly satisfy her, so I'll use an extender to give her what she needs and deserves."

    Which, if any, of the three her dude is none of us knows. And no one appears to have asked. Still, if the lady is repulsed by the idea, it all becomes moot.
     
  10. petite

    petite New Member

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    Since she's never brought the idea up and he did, I don't think it's a stretch to be concerned about his insecurities, especially since she already knows he's insecure about his penis size, or else he wouldn't be doing PE, and from what I've learned from LPSG, practically every man has some sort of insecurity regarding his penis, and for most men, it's about size. I don't think that she needs to absolutely confirm that he's going to become insecure before she behaves in a considerate way regarding any potential harm to his ego. That's backwards to me. I don't believe in doing things that are known to be potentially damaging to a man's ego under the assumption that it may not be ego damaging, because I might be "projecting." To me, when I'm in a relationship, that's the definition of being dangerously inconsiderate.

    I feel like being concerned about this is wise.

    I am insecure about TheBF's ex-es sexual talents. Before I learned about her, TheBF had absolutely no evidence that I might become insecure about my sexual talents since I've always been very secure about my sexuality and I had never expressed jealousy over any of his ex-es. Still, when I began asking too many questions about his ex, he didn't act like there was no way that I would become insecure based upon the lack of evidence. Based upon what he knows about human nature, he had the foresight to understand that he could create an insecurity that didn't already exist, because that was true, and that is what happened.

    I've always been careful regarding men's egos about penis size, and that's not because I'm projecting anything. That's because I know about men and how insecure they are in general about penis size. I don't know if telling every boyfriend all the penis sizes of my previous boyfriends would make every single one of them feel insecure, and I'm sure that some of them wouldn't have been, but I knew that it was enough of a danger to want to avoid the consequences of making any of those boyfriends insecure or jealous. That was too careful for many boyfriends, but I'm not willing to hurt man after man testing which ones are or aren't hurt, assuming that they wouldn't be, lest I'm "projecting" those concerns on them.

    This situation is one of those that screams, "Warning! Warning!" to me, and I have very good instincts about those kinds of things. I'm just honestly saying that if I were in the OP's shoes, I would be very careful about this situation and I don't think that there's any harm in behaving in a way that reassures him that she loves his cock just the way it is, which is something I think every man needs.
     
    #11 petite, Nov 22, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  11. AlteredEgo

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    I belong to measurection.com as well, and my husband has size worries, so I do know a little something about this subject. I have had PM conversations with married men on measurection who were definitely insecure about size, but whose desire to use extenders was a separate thing. They (and their wives, naturally) preferred skin to skin sex, but the extender was a fun add on to their repertoire.

    There is a difference between being concerned, and making assumptions. Maybe he is feeling like he doesn't satisfy her. Maybe he just feels like it would be cool to know what it is like to wield bigger equipment with her. He has already seen her come scores of times with him by now. Maybe he just has curiosity about what she's like with a bigger dick. Odds are, she's different, because the experience is different. Maybe he just wants to see. But no one will know unless she asks, "Why do you want to use something like this? I've really been satisfied with the way things are. I'm worried that this idea of using an extender or strap on has to do with insecurity, and I have to say, it turns me off, and worries me." Conversation is the best course. Naturally, if no reason under the sun would make the idea sexy to her, then most of that conversation is moot, and all that needs to be discussed is the fact that she won't be participating in any such play, and she loves his cock as is, gets horny thinking about getting it into her, and doesn't want anything to change. Anything else is pure speculation. An educated guess is still just a guess. Now you're projecting AND justifying.
     
    #12 AlteredEgo, Nov 22, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  12. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    I have been in your situation! My husband had a complex for a long time about his penis, even though it is average and quite serviceable. He had a couple of ex-girlfriends shred his confidence and tell him in anger that he had a little penis. Despite years of a satisfactory sex life, he made the same suggestion about using a sleeve when we were in a "toy" store. I wanted to argue and reassure him that his size was just fine for me but I decided to just go with the flow and agree, figuring it's just an experiment and we'll see what happens. We selected one, took it home with the rest of our goodies and tried it out that night. While it wasn't terrible, it wasn't all that great, either. I got very frustrated at how cumbersome it was to maneuver, I didn't like the feel of it, plus it wasn't going all that great in general so I just removed it myself and told him that I wanted to feel him, not the sleeve. We proceeded from there and he has never asked to use it again since. While we haven't thrown it out yet, it's been years since we used it that one time. The fact that we've forgotten to throw it out so many times is a testament to how we'd long forgotten that experiment until today. It sounds to me like your man really cares about you and just wants you to be happy. I can't give you advice on whether you should do it or not, I can only tell you my experience, take what you will from it. Good luck!
     
  13. Drifterwood

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    Laura, can I just ask what it is that you need, given that you have been a member here for two years?

    I would have no problem using an extender if that made me a better fit for my partner, especially if she says that she has "enjoyed" big cock in the past. I don't see it as any different to women using a gyneflex. If, as you say, it's no biggie for either of you, what's the problem with adding this to the mix of your sex life? Try it and if you don't like it, then fine.

    You said you enjoyed big cock, why won't you share the esperience with him, with him having the big cock even if part of it isn't really his?
     
    #14 Drifterwood, Nov 22, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  14. petite

    petite New Member

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    I'm sure that many men do! The problem is that this is like arguing that since some men wouldn't be insecure if I shared the penis sizes of past boyfriends that I should treat all my boyfriends as if they wouldn't become insecure.

    I don't think that's what you're saying, btw, I think that you're just pointing out that there are different motivations for wanting to use a strap-on, and I should have mentioned that I'm aware that there are many motivations that have nothing to do with insecurities over penis size. That was the point I was attempting to make about how I'm sure that many of my ex-boyfriends would not have reacted badly if I shared all the penis sizes of all my ex-es with them. I meant that I'm aware that different men are different, but I believe in erring on the side of caution when it comes to doing things that are potentially hurtful.

    For example, I'm sure that other women wouldn't have become insecure about their own sexual skills if they discovered that their boyfriends had previous girlfriends who possess greater talents. I appreciate the fact that TheBF is more considerate with me than to make that kind of assumption about how I would react. To me, that showed a lot of love for me, that he was concerned that I would be hurt by something that he said. I don't believe that was an assumption, or at least I wouldn't describe it that way. I feel like that was an awareness of the possibility that the conversation could have gone very badly and that there was a potentially negative consequence, and that I could have been very hurt by him, so he proceeded with caution.

    You could easily say that she'll be making an assumption that he won't become insecure, as to say that she's making an assumption that he will become insecure. There's no behavioral difference between that and being concerned that he'll become insecure or not being concerned that he'll become insecure. There's only a semantic difference. We could also use the word "worried" instead of "concerned" or "assumption." The point is still the same. She's worried about what his interest in dildos and strap-ons means.

    I think this is a great idea and your suggestion about what to say is a good one. This is what I mean by "nipping it in the bud." It can't be done without a good conversation.

    In fact, I would make what I said even stronger than what you wrote, and I wouldn't make my questions so leading in the beginning, or else it would direct the conversation that way. If she mentions first that she's worried that he's insecure, he could become defensive and attempt to convince her that he's not because that's where she directed her questions, whereas if she asks open questions, she might discover that he is insecure, because without the implied judgment that she disapproves of his insecurity, he may end up opening up much more easily.

    I think I'd say something like, "I would really rather have sex with just you than with a strap-on or a dildo. The entire idea of having sex with a toy instead of you turns me off. It's just not the same for me. A toy can never replace your penis for me. If it's something that you really want, then I'll do it for you, but I want you to know that it's just for you, because you want it. Before we try it, can you explain to me why you want to use it?" Then after he answers the open-ended question, she can probe further depending on how he answers.

    After she hears his answers to the open questions and they discuss whatever he brings up to completion, that's a good time to mention that she feels concerned that his interest in strap-ons and dildos has to do with his insecurities about his penis, but I would give him an opportunity to open up about it first on his own before bringing it up, or the entire conversation could become defensive.

    I am justifying, because I believe that such behavior is justifiable and defensible, but I'm not projecting.

    You seem to be using "projecting" to describe when a person uses her personal experience to dispense any personal advice, and based upon that, just as I'm projecting based upon my experiences with TheBF's ex (which I brought up as an example, and isn't exactly directly comparable), you would seem to be projecting just as much based upon your experiences on measurection and your husband, right? The problem is, that's all we have when someone asks us for our opinions. We all use our personal experiences to inform us of what course of action is best, and I think that your experiences with your husband and at measurection gives you insight into the psychology of men who feel that they're too small. So perhaps "projecting" isn't such a bad thing?
     
    #15 petite, Nov 22, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  15. AlteredEgo

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    No it isn't. I'm saying (weord for word, I might add) that questions should be asked. A discussion should be had. If those men had been "protected" in the manner you suggest, they never would have had those pleasurable experiences.

    You might have been able to avoid ever becoming jealous if he'd asked you about your motives when you had that talk about his past experiences. I'm only advocating more open communication here.



    I could not just as easily say she will make an assumption that he won't become increasingly insecure. My advice was- if she wasn't interested, to say so. On the other hand, if she were worried about his psyche, to say that as well, and to ask him what prompted this idea. What turns him on about it? Does it in fact actually turn him on, or is it something he randomly came up with which he thought would please her. You're stretching my words pretty thinly.



    And I'm not arguing that if there's something to be "nipped" it ought not be nipped. I'm arguing that no aspect of this situation should be approached with assumptions. Assumptions make the conversation lopsided and skewed.

    I really meant that my proposed question should be asked, and those statements that followed it given if she gets the response you seem to expect she'd get. The question itself is not remotely leading. You would preface your question (which is the same question) with your opinion of the strap on. I would not. I would deliver just the question. But that's not so important. Actually, I'm confused about the order in which your questions and statements go. You wrote it out with your opinion first, but your next paragraph says the opinion comes after. Either way, I don;t want to get semantic or nit-picky. Ya know.




    No, I say you're projecting because all of your advice (until THIS post) assumes that his prodding about the strap on comes from an ugly place. My advice assumes she needs to ask some questions. Of course you can only draw on personal experience. You're a woman, not a machine! :biggrin1:
     
  16. petite

    petite New Member

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    I'm sorry, it appears that you were responding while I was editing my post.
     
  17. petite

    petite New Member

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    I'm not sure that it was possible, to be honest. My motives were pure and on the surface seemed innocuous. I wanted to learn how to deep throat him, but some people on LPSG suggested that he might be too girthy for a woman's throat. Not knowing if I was attempting something that wasn't likely, I asked the practical question, "Has anyone ever deep throated you?" A series of other practical questions regarding other skills that I was interested in exploring soon revealed that one particular ex was a superstar in the bedroom... Discovering my motives for asking him the questions could not have avoided the final conclusion that I arrived at, that he's used to being with a woman who is much more talented in bed than me, and it was that realization that made me jealous.

    Likewise, I can imagine that a man's motives for using a large strap-on could be totally pure and not involve an insecurity at all, but after perceiving that she seems to enjoy the strap-on a lot, that could end up making him feel insecure even though he wasn't initially motivated by any insecure feelings.

    It wasn't my intention to stretch your words at all. I thought that your suggestion about what she should say to him was a good one and it's the reason why I thought that she should begin by asking him the most open-ended question possible, and not a leading question first, so that she's most likely to discover exactly what's on his mind.

    And I was trying to emphasize that without being aware of where the pitfalls might be, it's hard to avoid falling into them. I think that we're just coming at this from slightly different perspectives.

    A leading question contains an answer, whereas an open question does not. Open questions cannot be answered with a yes or a no, whereas many leading questions can. It qualifies as a leading question if a statement is made immediately before or after the question that implies that the question is about the previous or following statement. For example:

    Leading: I'm worried that you want to use the strap-on because you feel insecure. Why do you want to use the strap-on? (He's already thinking, "Is the use of the strap-on about being insecure or not? Yes or no?)

    Open: Why do you want to use the strap-on? (He could answer any of the other possible motivations that you mentioned, or that he's feeling insecure, since the idea of "insecurity" isn't already planted in his mind.)

    It's a good strategy for learning the truth, finding out someone else's thought process, avoiding implying answers or judgments that the other person will respond to, and avoiding defensive reactions.

    "Do you want to use the strap-on because you feel insecure?" is leading since the question assumes a particular kind of answer, that it's about an insecurity yes or no, whereas an open-ended question like, "Why do you want to use the strap-on?" forces him to choose where that conversation goes. Rather than considering the yes/no question regarding insecurity, and will be what he most likely answers first, he could say, "It turns me on," which goes in a totally different direction than the leading question about insecurities does. Following open questions would be, "What turns you on about it?" not a leading question like, "Are you turned on by the idea of a larger penis?" It's best to follow his train of thought without directing it with questions that contain implied opinions or judgments (insecure? want a larger penis?) because it's the best way to get a totally honest answer and find out what's on his mind instead of directing the conversation so that it reveals what's on your mind (I'm wondering if you're insecure. I'm wondering if you want a larger penis.) After you've followed his train of thought using just open questions to it's conclusion, then you can ask any particular leading questions if you feel that something was left out, or if you feel you need reassurances that he isn't insecure or is motivated by a desire for a larger penis.

    (A bit off topic, but it drives me crazy when they show cops on TV asking leading questions, since those questions actually alter witness perceptions, and cops are supposed to be taught NOT to do that. You know, when the cop says, "Was he Hispanic?" instead of asking, "What race was he?" Or asking, "Did he have long hair?" instead of, "Can you describe his hair?" Studies have shown that even with law students, leading questions can significantly alter and direct the conversation so that witness answers become useless for evidence gathering, since a person who answers the question, "Was he Hispanic?" is less likely to say that he is Asian, if he actually was Asian. Anyway, I digress...)

    I would mention how I feel about the strap-on before he responds because reassurances are the expected answer after someone reveals that they feel insecure. If I say, "I feel unattractive," then any positive response you give me about how I look after is a compliment that I fished for. However, if you see me and say, "You look so beautiful!" without me having to ask for that reassurance by revealing that I feel insecure, it is perceived as much more sincere.

    I would emphasize first how I feel about his penis and the strap-on or dildo, so that he knows that what I said wasn't just a reassuring response to his opinions and he feels that I am being the most sincere about what I want.

    It's not that whether you express any opinions before or after, it's what opinions and why. Unasked for compliments are perceived as the most sincere. Leading questions close off conversations and direct them one way or another, which is what you want to avoid if you want to discover the truth.

    I didn't mean to communicate that I assumed that his interest comes from an ugly place, and I don't actually think that place is ugly either. I meant to emphasize erring on the side of caution and being considerate to one's mate's feelings, not that he definitely is feeling insecure, just that I understand why she's worried and that I believe her concern is wise and comes from a loving place.
     
    #18 petite, Nov 22, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  18. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    Okay. Back to the original question: Toys are toys. And everyone is insecure about something or another. I don't think there's anything wrong with him asking you to try something new if it will help him feel better, plus it will probably provide you with some pleasure. On the other hand, you seem very uncomfortable with it. Since he was open to ask you about it a few times, you should answer him one way or the other.

    I personally don't really see much difference between a "PE" and a dildo. The PE does leave him hands free tho :)
     
  19. B_crackoff

    B_crackoff New Member

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    Bloody hell Petite! You've finally shocked me!:rolleyes:

    No DP? What have you been doing with your life! Lol.

    Being as you have no qualms in unitary penetration in either cavern of love, I think you'd take to it like a natural.

    I introduced myself to it by chance. When I was a teen I was seeing a married woman every Wednesday during the day, & she'd take me to a bar, then whisk me to a hotel. One day my female head got on top of me & I thought "oi I'm just being used for sex here, I'm more than just a hard cock", & she got quite controlling saying "well if we don't have sex what's the point?"

    This sort of fired me up, & I got her to stop at a greengrocer's to pick up a cucumber, wherefrom I later DP'd her - alternating the holes.

    I got a brand new watch & sweater the next time - so I guess she liked it(!), & I've sporadically done it with all sorts of toys ever since.

    I think it's the naughtiness factor, but any woman I've tried it with has been quite pleased. There's something about the slow alternating rhythm.

    Something for you to look forward to post partum.:biggrin1:
     
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