You might have been able to avoid ever becoming jealous if he'd asked you about your motives when you had that talk about his past experiences. I'm only advocating more open communication here.
I'm not sure that it was possible, to be honest. My motives were pure and on the surface seemed innocuous. I wanted to learn how to deep throat him, but some people on LPSG suggested that he might be too girthy for a woman's throat. Not knowing if I was attempting something that wasn't likely, I asked the practical question, "Has anyone ever deep throated you?" A series of other practical questions regarding other skills that I was interested in exploring soon revealed that one particular ex was a superstar in the bedroom... Discovering my motives for asking him the questions could not have avoided the final conclusion that I arrived at, that he's used to being with a woman who is much more talented in bed than me, and it was that realization that made me jealous.
Likewise, I can imagine that a man's motives for using a large strap-on could be totally pure and not involve an insecurity at all, but after perceiving that she seems to enjoy the strap-on a lot, that could end up making him feel insecure even though he wasn't initially motivated by any insecure feelings.
I could not just as easily say she will make an assumption that he won't become increasingly insecure. My advice was- if she wasn't interested, to say so. On the other hand, if she were worried about his psyche, to say that as well, and to ask him what prompted this idea. What turns him on about it? Does it in fact actually turn him on, or is it something he randomly came up with which he thought would please her. You're stretching my words pretty thinly.
It wasn't my intention to stretch your words at all. I thought that your suggestion about what she should say to him was a good one and it's the reason why I thought that she should begin by asking him the most open-ended question possible, and not a leading question first, so that she's most likely to discover exactly what's on his mind.
And I'm not arguing that if there's something to be "nipped" it ought not be nipped. I'm arguing that no aspect of this situation should be approached with assumptions. Assumptions make the conversation lopsided and skewed.
And I was trying to emphasize that without being aware of where the pitfalls might be, it's hard to avoid falling into them. I think that we're just coming at this from slightly different perspectives.
I really meant that my proposed question should be asked, and those statements that followed it given if she gets the response you seem to expect she'd get. The question itself is not remotely leading.
A leading question contains an answer, whereas an open question does not. Open questions cannot be answered with a yes or a no, whereas many leading questions can. It qualifies as a leading question if a statement is made immediately before or after the question that implies that the question is about the previous or following statement. For example:
Leading: I'm worried that you want to use the strap-on because you feel insecure. Why do you want to use the strap-on? (He's already thinking, "Is the use of the strap-on about being insecure or not? Yes or no?)
Open: Why do you want to use the strap-on? (He could answer any of the other possible motivations that you mentioned, or that he's feeling insecure, since the idea of "insecurity" isn't already planted in his mind.)
It's a good strategy for learning the truth, finding out someone else's thought process, avoiding implying answers or judgments that the other person will respond to, and avoiding defensive reactions.
"Do you want to use the strap-on because you feel insecure?" is leading since the question assumes a particular kind of answer, that it's about an insecurity yes or no, whereas an open-ended question like, "Why do you want to use the strap-on?" forces him to choose where that conversation goes. Rather than considering the yes/no question regarding insecurity, and will be what he most likely answers first, he could say, "It turns me on," which goes in a totally different direction than the leading question about insecurities does. Following open questions would be, "What turns you on about it?" not a leading question like, "Are you turned on by the idea of a larger penis?" It's best to follow his train of thought without directing it with questions that contain implied opinions or judgments (insecure? want a larger penis?) because it's the best way to get a totally honest answer and find out what's on his mind instead of directing the conversation so that it reveals what's on your mind (I'm wondering if you're insecure. I'm wondering if you want a larger penis.) After you've followed his train of thought using just open questions to it's conclusion, then you can ask any particular leading questions if you feel that something was left out, or if you feel you need reassurances that he isn't insecure or is motivated by a desire for a larger penis.
(A bit off topic, but it drives me crazy when they show cops on TV asking leading questions, since those questions actually alter witness perceptions, and cops are supposed to be taught NOT to do that. You know, when the cop says, "Was he Hispanic?" instead of asking, "What race was he?" Or asking, "Did he have long hair?" instead of, "Can you describe his hair?" Studies have shown that even with law students, leading questions can significantly alter and direct the conversation so that witness answers become useless for evidence gathering, since a person who answers the question, "Was he Hispanic?" is less likely to say that he is Asian, if he actually was Asian. Anyway, I digress...)
You would preface your question (which is the same question) with your opinion of the strap on. I would not. I would deliver just the question. But that's not so important. Actually, I'm confused about the order in which your questions and statements go. You wrote it out with your opinion first, but your next paragraph says the opinion comes after. Either way, I don;t want to get semantic or nit-picky. Ya know.
I would mention how I feel about the strap-on before he responds because reassurances are the expected answer after someone reveals that they feel insecure. If I say, "I feel unattractive," then any positive response you give me about how I look after is a compliment that I fished for. However, if you see me and say, "You look so beautiful!" without me having to ask for that reassurance by revealing that I feel insecure, it is perceived as much more sincere.
I would emphasize first how I feel about his penis and the strap-on or dildo, so that he knows that what I said wasn't just a reassuring response to his opinions and he feels that I am being the most sincere about what I want.
It's not that whether you express any opinions before or after, it's what opinions and why. Unasked for compliments are perceived as the most sincere. Leading questions close off conversations and direct them one way or another, which is what you want to avoid if you want to discover the truth.
No, I say you're projecting because all of your advice (until THIS post) assumes that his prodding about the strap on comes from an ugly place. My advice assumes she needs to ask some questions. Of course you can only draw on personal experience. You're a woman, not a machine! :biggrin1:
I didn't mean to communicate that I assumed that his interest comes from an ugly place, and I don't actually think that place is ugly either. I meant to emphasize erring on the side of caution and being considerate to one's mate's feelings, not that he definitely is feeling insecure, just that I understand why she's worried and that I believe her concern is wise and comes from a loving place.
