My Own Paranoia, Ugh

[rawrg]

TLDR, I know...

Backstory: So rewind to girlfriend #1 that broke my heart early in college. We'd been dating for a year, and were heavily in love. I trusted her way more than I should have trusted such a young person, but I was young and naive. She got a new job when she started college, started making friends with her coworkers and started having guy friends that she talked about all the time. I meanwhile had failed my first semester of college, had fallen into a slump at work and generally became less fun. Eventually she came to me and started telling me she had feelings for a guy at work. I was hurt, but glad that she was so honest with me. Then she came back a few days later and said crying that she "couldn't do it" and she wanted to stay with me. I worked harder than ever at being positive, and worked on our relationship, but two weeks later, she came to me with a confession: that she had just gone out with this guy and had oral sex with him on the first date, a mere 18 hours after we'd last made love.

Devastated. I didn't eat for 3 days, cried like the Cowardly Lion (really what it sounded like) and basically pined in my apartment for a little over a year.

So fast forward to 10 years later, I've been with my girlfriend for five years. She had been in a slump for a long time between the relationship with her parents, to her not being able to find a job after graduating college, to basically dissatisfied with our living situation. Long story short, we live in a finished basement of a mutual friend, but we hate the gold-digging wife of our friend who got knocked up and now acts like she owns the place. She hates it here.

We have an unusual relationship. We really get along, but we don't have a lot of sex. Usually it's not a huge issue, as she's fairly asexual, and I love porn. Also she has a small vagina, I have a large penis and her cervix is very sensitive. We sleep in separate rooms because while I snore, love my futon and like to fall asleep to a movie or show I've seen a million times before (some weird comfort thing) she would prefer a tomb with no light, sound or distractions. She's about a 50/50 bisexual/biromantic mix, I'm about 10% bisexual (maybe more like 20% but I won't change my status over it ), but 100% hetero-romantic.

BUT, things have been looking up at work lately for her. She got promoted to a supervisory position at the carwash, the ONLY place that offered her a job in 6 months and 100 applications. She has lost 30 lbs from being more active, and is really enjoying life. She also has recently acquired these two guy friends that her and her girlfriend hang out with a lot too. She also has a strong personal relationship with her boss (male) as well. Last night she stayed over at the guys' house for a movie night, which makes the second night that she has stayed out. Oh, and both her boss and her other friend have recently split up with their significant others.

More backstory: she wants to get out of this living situation, and her two friends who were both dating the same guy for 3 years, one with a child from the relationship (man, this sounds like an episode of Maury the more I type...) are planning to move out, and she'd like to move out with them. At one point, we actually were working towards an open sexual relationship with me and her close female friend, due to our not having sex for sometime, and her friend not having sex for sometime either. This was actually based off of my girlfriend's initial suggestion which I of course ran with. However after we went through the process of discussing it, getting approval etc, when we started kissing one night, it started moving too quickly and my girlfriend said that she couldn't do it. I respected her wishes, and actually have done a nice job of getting back to normal, as it was only a sexual interest between me and her friend, and nothing more.

Also, a few weeks back, my girlfriend came to me visibly upset, and said that she didn't want to lose me, but she couldn't live at this place anymore where we get a great deal on rent, but she can't stand it. I told her it was fine, and really to me it is fine. We don't have to live in the same house to love each other. One thing that was a bit concerning was that when I asked if I might move out as well at some point, would that be ok, and she said, "I doubt my friends would be alright with that after how bad their previous relationship was." My lizard brain is screaming at me over this one, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Now my rational brain trusts her. She has surprised me more than anyone else I've known as far as being honest with me. That said, the lizard brain in me can't feel like history is repeating itself. I had nightmares about being dumped, and for once it wasn't about girlfriend #1, but about my current girlfriend. I didn't even get to see her for 36 hours, because she was staying over at her friend's place and had to work the next day. That was a pretty long day...

Now I have never, nor will I pressure her about her other relationships. Firstly, it's unfair, and secondly if I want her around, that would just push her away. I just really wanted to vent my inner struggle, and while I've told her that my lizard brain is stupid, I have also told her that I completely support her relationships and just want her to be honest with me if she ever decides that she doesn't want to be with me. Really, it wouldn't hurt me if she came up to me and said, "I just can't do this anymore." But it would hurt me horrendously if she said, "I'm leaving you for such and such." because it would mean that she developed an intimate relationship behind my back without talking to me about it.

Anyways, the outlook of our relationship is not looking bright from the litany of warning signs, and I'm turtling up a bit emotionally to prepare for the worst. At the same time, it's so complex that there's a part of me excited about the possibility of starting a new relationship, but there's a part of me that likes the comfort of what we have.

Enjoy the fact that your love life is probably much simpler than mine. Would love to see what people have to say about this one :biggrin1:

 

[mattsrod7]

Soudns like a train wreck, just go start someplace new.

 

[rawrg]

Soudns like a train wreck, just go start someplace new.

It sounds worse than it is, does that make any sense?

 

[mattsrod7]

There are millions of people out there, she left you cause you were stupid and failed college, and now she's stupid and regrets her decision, go back to her or just start from scratch

 

[rawrg]

Hmm, I can't edit my post, but my current girlfriend is different than my first girlfriend. Sorry, I can see how that would be confusing.

 

[BBCP]

When she said she wanted to move out, did she even broach the subject of you two finding another place together? If not, that speaks volumes. It sounds to me like she's exploring a new life since things have turned around and wants to have fun. You're the security blanket in case things go bad. Don't be that, man. If she walks out that door and you don't at least have an invite to go with her, then let it be over.

You seem like too nice of a guy (with a VERY nice dick, I'd love to give it a go ;-) ) to not have someone who loves and respects YOU. Someone who, in a bad situation, asks how the both of you can get out, not just her. Let this one go man.

 

[Mercurygirl]

It would seem your relationship is dying. If she's putting her friends before you, dead shark man, dead shark. If you don't want to feel like you did before don't be a victim to it. Stop letting call all the shots and start making some hard choices concerning your own life and future.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Okay... this is gonna sting.... You are the problem, here.

You do not say much about your own situation... so this is based upon assumptions I derive from your confession to a failure at school and the fact that you are living in your friend's basement.

You are 28 years old and living in a friend's basement, and you want some woman to SHARE this idyllic life with you?

Women in this age group have a time pressure.... they only have so much time to find a mate who can provide security ( or significantly Help provide security )
Regardless of whether they want children, or not, this is still an evolved drive in women.

Any woman at 23 is willing to invest 5 years in a man she loves... but if after 5 years there seems to be Zero progress to a real grown up life... then she begins to start entertaining her options. She begins to suspect that you lack ambition, drive, or talent to move forward in life.

This is not mercenary on her part... being able to admire and respect your mate is critical for any relationship to thrive and grow. When one or the other partner fails to live up to their mate's hopes and dreams of the future, then that bond begins to erode.

It may be too late to repair the damage you have done to her esteem of you, by seeking to remain in a position that is unsatisfactory to a woman ( she wants to rule her own roost, not suffer under the thumb of some other man's woman. )

When your friend got married, the first thing you should have said to your girl was "Hey! Let's Move into our own place".

And if the two of you can't, at 28, afford your own place, then you had better get on the stick at forging a career that will give you that ability.

Your freewheeling 20s are over... its time to step up and be worthy of the love and admiration of a good woman.

Otherwise, prepare yourself for a series of increasingly short relationships...

I don't care how much money you save by bunking with your bud.... any woman worth a damn at that age is going to want to see PROGRESS in your lives together.