My partner recently discovered his asexuality.

[Ejohnson201]

Hello everyone. I’m a 40 year old gay man in California and I have been with my partner for 8 years. He is 10 years younger than me. We love each other very much and our relationship is strong and typically we can communicate well without issues. Our families know each other well and everything is all love and support. Really no issues.

When we first got together we didn’t have sex for the first few months. He was only 20ish at the time and I didn’t want to rush him. We got there naturally and enjoyed great sex together. Over the years it has fizzled a bit and now we are at the point where we haven’t had actual penetration in over two years. He can still achieve an erection but we got to the point where I would initiate sexual activity and while he would orgasm with a great blow job, he wouldn’t offer to return the favor. Nor would he ever during the blowjob, make any move to take things further. Obviously given the passion we had in the beginning (fucking in a park and sneaking around together late at night) followed by us going public and being able to stay overnight at our homes and such… it all progressed the way things do! For years it was sexuall and fine. Losing it slowly and turning into nothing at all made me self conscious and scared that he was having an affair or just suddenly found me ugly or something. I’ve learned that’s not the case.

We have talked about this but he gets very defensive. Breaking through that took a long time and still causes the progress to be baby steps in speed. But we have recently had a great talk and he says he just doesn’t think about sex anymore. He’s never in the mood. He doesn’t masturbate, he doesn’t watch porn, he says he doesn’t even look at other people sexually ever. He says his attraction to me hasn’t changed, he doesn’t think I’m unattractive now or anything like that. Researching on my own I’m learning about asexuality and the dots are really connecting.

As for me I have always been very sexual. I’m very attracted to him and of course I want sex with him. But slowly going from sufficient amounts of sex to less sex, which I could be alright with, to nothing at all… I want to be respectful and I want this to work so badly. But we have been talking about marriage and this is the one thing keeping us from going for it. I can’t agree to a totally sexless marriage.

I would be open to being allowed to have sex on the side with the appropriate rules and communication. I can disconnect sex from love just fine. I’ve never stepped out of our relationship and would never without talking first. Monogamy is what we both wanted. However neither of us knew at the time that we would be celebate. I’m open to emotionally disconnected hookups or whatever but I need that physical connection. I don’t think he’d ever feel like it was an option without being betrayed, yet I can’t spend the intimate time I want or need with him or anyone at all.

My hope is that someone here has been through something similar and can help me. Specifically if they’ve found solutions to make the marriage work and be happy. My first priority is to support him and keep our relationship strong. There has to be a way for us all to be satisfied.

 

[Bruce_the_Hoon]

He needs to see his doctor. Loss of libido is an early indicator of many medical problems.

 

[Ejohnson201]

He needs to see his doctor. Loss of libido is an early indicator of many medical problems.

Well that’s an alarming statement. Any context or examples or are you just going to be alarming and run away?

 

[Bruce_the_Hoon]

It's a general health indicator, like throwing up or the squirts.

Libido often drops before other, more specific symptoms start to show.

 

[Acratopotes]

...When we first got together we didn’t have sex for the first few months. He was only 20ish at the time and I didn’t want to rush him. We got there naturally and enjoyed great sex together...

To me, this is an interesting start. I don't know if that happens for other couples, perhaps other people would like to comment, but with the exception of the very first night she moved into my flat, when we were too tired, we then launched into having sex twice most days. 20 years later, with children, sex is not as frequent now which I don't think is at all uncommon, but I wonder if his needing time to get warmed up at the start of the relationship was an early sign of something?

Have you had a discussion about what you each want from sex? I guess most people both want to enjoy the intensity of an orgasm and, at the same, feel the bond of being completely intimate with someone they love but, beyond that, do either of you have fixed ideas of what sex should be like?

One of the discussions I had with my wife early in the relationship included that sex was something I wanted us to do when we both wanted it, so there was a natural excitement about it. I didn't want it to be something we did for each other when we were not in the mood, because it seemed like a duty, and certainly not something that was in exchange for something else, like "You do my list of DIY jobs and I'll open my legs".

For him, has sex just become too much work and he's concluded it is easier to just j/o? Or has his horniness just disappeared?

That links to Bruce's comment. The only time since puberty I remember not wanting to get off reasonably often was when I was in hospital for several weeks with a serious infection and being given high doses of IV antibiotics. That's not to say you b/f necessarily has an infection, but stress can work against the libido, whether the stressor is something internal to the body, like a disease or some malfunctioning organ, or external to it.

 

[spiker6199]

I am similar to your boyfriend, and I can tell you now, do not go down the rabbit hole of treating his sexual disposition as a defect or indicator of something “wrong.” Asexuality isn’t more or less healthy than any other sexual disposition, and treating it as such will only alienate him further. I would think gay people would understand that, but sex is that ingrained in our culture that many people can’t fathom someone being asexual. Just think how they feel being bombarded by sexual pressures constantly.

 

[BlackBearCognac]

At some point you'll have to pull off the bandaid by deciding to either try an open marriage or amicably breaking up. Just focus on being honest about your feelings and needs.

I haven't personally been in such a relationship, but I had a friend from college who tried it. It started off with a compromise of at least reciprocating sexual acts. But it didn't really work because having the knowledge the other person has zero interest in being there just kills the mood. They broke up but are still close friends 20 years later.

 

[nixco]

There may be a medical issue, like low testosterone. This can cause libido to diminish significantly. Perhaps this is what Bruce was referring to. Other issues such as obesity, depression, anxiety, diabetes and heart disease can affect libido. Many of these issues can co-exist and are interrelated. I think it's best for your partner to see a doctor and get some tests done, just in case.

But it's also quite possible that your partner is genuinely asexual.

I do believe that love is the most important part of any relationship and that if you have that, you're doing better than many couples. Good luck to you both and I hope you come to a satisfactory resolution.