I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. Dear Penis, after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take the initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire long before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, The Management Plus, 5 reasons not to be a penis: 1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbors are nuts. 4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and... 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.