My Predicament

[Charles Finn]

ok I am now 43 and when i was 18 i fell in love with a 30yo married man
he left his wife for me and we were together for 5 tears
I have always love married men
my last lover long term was married with 5 kids
he was divorced by the time we met and we were together for 6 years
seems married men like me and i like them too
be true to yourself first.
you need to find the strength to be who and what you are.
I have always been bi but always liked guys more
but dated some wonderful and understanding girls that became friends.
1996 had a party and an ex girl friend that was a friend was very horny and none of the other guys at the party were as well hung as i was
I told her no 3 times and the 4th she put a condom on me and rode me for all i was worth and i loved it
but i still prefer guys.
she is still the only girl i have ever been able to cum with.
hope this helps

 

[LGX]

I think it would sort of be selfish if you just decided "hey, I'm gay and I'm leaving you". Remember, we have to deal with the choices. If you truly can't stand each other, then leave. But think heavily on all of the years you had together. I think your real issue is that you don't know how/want to be a man. You need to be more dominant. It seems as if she is the controlling once. Put your foot down more.

 

[B_RedDude]

Such enlightened thinking I've never seen!

I think it would sort of be selfish if you just decided "hey, I'm gay and I'm leaving you". Remember, we have to deal with the choices. If you truly can't stand each other, then leave. But think heavily on all of the years you had together. I think your real issue is that you don't know how/want to be a man. You need to be more dominant. It seems as if she is the controlling once. Put your foot down more.

 

[horneyoldguy]

I would suggest finding a good therapist. I have one and he has helped me.

 

[teabagme69]

I think it would sort of be selfish if you just decided "hey, I'm gay and I'm leaving you". Remember, we have to deal with the choices. If you truly can't stand each other, then leave. But think heavily on all of the years you had together. I think your real issue is that you don't know how/want to be a man. You need to be more dominant. It seems as if she is the controlling once. Put your foot down more.

Wow. Um, no. The selfish thing would be for me to say, "I'm staying no matter what," even if I am gay, because that would be sacrificing her happiness just so I could maintain a facade. Sorry but your post sounds completely ignorant.

Hornyoldguy, if you read my posts you will see I am seeing a therapist regularly, as is my wife.

 

[onewatcher]

Tea, you have written a great account of your life thus far. What you don't realize yet, is , you are only 26! It's not like you and your wife are too old to start over and make new, satisfying lives for yourselves. To Thine own self be try! You can live a happy life unless you yourself are truly happy in every aspect of your life. Sure, you and the wife can try again, and again, but it looks as if you have already been down that road before.
Change is so difficult. By change can be made. Yes you might have a lovely home in a great town, but if you can't live there as youself, then move!!! It's not out of the question. Again, you are only 26. You hopefully will live 50 yrs plus longer. Do you want to live those years in a lie? At 26, you must have a pretty good idea who you really are. From all you've said, you are GAY. Maybe you don't want to live a gay lifestyle, but you definately are sexually attracted to men. Big deal. Go with it. Your wife is still young also. She can certainly find a new life with a new man.
I hope the best for you, but unless you are willing to make some great changes, I doubt you will truly be happy.

 

[teabagme69]

Tea, you have written a great account of your life thus far. What you don't realize yet, is , you are only 26! It's not like you and your wife are too old to start over and make new, satisfying lives for yourselves. To Thine own self be try! You can live a happy life unless you yourself are truly happy in every aspect of your life. Sure, you and the wife can try again, and again, but it looks as if you have already been down that road before.
Change is so difficult. By change can be made. Yes you might have a lovely home in a great town, but if you can't live there as youself, then move!!! It's not out of the question. Again, you are only 26. You hopefully will live 50 yrs plus longer. Do you want to live those years in a lie? At 26, you must have a pretty good idea who you really are. From all you've said, you are GAY. Maybe you don't want to live a gay lifestyle, but you definately are sexually attracted to men. Big deal. Go with it. Your wife is still young also. She can certainly find a new life with a new man.
I hope the best for you, but unless you are willing to make some great changes, I doubt you will truly be happy.

Thank you. I know what I have to do, but it's hard. I'm working through all of that with my therapist though. We discussed how there will be grief for the end of our relationship and fear and having to undergo a huge lifestyle change. A complete 180, if you will, from the "perfect," "normal" life to a gay lifestyle and the fear of rejection and having to start over. But I realize that all of this is part of becoming an adult. A lot of people don't go through it. They just continue to pretend to be happy with the way things are so that they don't have to deal with change. I do realize how young we are and how fortunate we are that we're going through this now and not 20+ years from now. I wish I had gone through it 10 years ago, but who knows who they really are at 16? I would venture to say no one.

 

[Charles Finn]

I knew who and what i was at 16
knew i liked guys better than girls I knew i did not want any children of my own.
you have to be true to yourself first.
no you do not want to hurt your wife but you have to live your own life or by the time you are my age you will really wish you had done things differently.
plus i had some wonderful girl friends that were very understanding too

 

[teabagme69]

I knew who and what i was at 16
knew i liked guys better than girls I knew i did not want any children of my own.
you have to be true to yourself first.
no you do not want to hurt your wife but you have to live your own life or by the time you are my age you will really wish you had done things differently.
plus i had some wonderful girl friends that were very understanding too

Well I know that if I am not with my wife, I don't want to be with a woman at all. That pretty much answers my question. I am with her 1) because of our history, 2) because I care for her, 3) out of obligation, 4) out of fear of rejection for my sexuality, 5) out of fear of change, 6) because our relationship is comfortable, or any number of other reasons. So if we get a divorce, I will most likely only be with men from now on.

 

[rob_just_rob]

This thread makes me happy that I stayed unmarried through my 20s and most of my 30s. That's not helpful, I know, but it was the first thought that went through my mind on reading the OP, and it's still there.

Advice? Separate. Figure stuff out. Move on. You're both young enough to do it. Make plans to reconnect in a year, if you want to keep her as a friend.

I am with her 1) because of our history, 2) because I care for her, 3) out of obligation, 4) out of fear of rejection for my sexuality, 5) out of fear of change, 6) because our relationship is comfortable,

Not to be too blunt, but those are all shitty reasons to stay with someone.

1-2, you aren't doing her any favours.
3, what obligation? You don't have kids, right?
4-6, stem from lack of confidence. I see the 26 year old me in what you say - I was in a relationship I was unhappy with because it felt safe, and comfortable, and I couldn't face the upheaval that I thought would come with a breakup.

 

[teabagme69]

This thread makes me happy that I stayed unmarried through my 20s and most of my 30s. That's not helpful, I know, but it was the first thought that went through my mind on reading the OP, and it's still there.

Advice? Separate. Figure stuff out. Move on. You're both young enough to do it. Make plans to reconnect in a year, if you want to keep her as a friend.



Not to be too blunt, but those are all shitty reasons to stay with someone.

1-2, you aren't doing her any favours.
3, what obligation? You don't have kids, right?
4-6, stem from lack of confidence. I see the 26 year old me in what you say - I was in a relationship I was unhappy with because it felt safe, and comfortable, and I couldn't face the upheaval that I thought would come with a breakup.

Oh I absolutely know those are shitty reasons for staying together. Absolutely. I'm not saying they are good reasons, but just that they are some of the reasons why I have stayed up to this point...

 

[helgaleena]

Good luck with your new life, Tea, and good luck as well to your future ex.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Hey T......

I hope the two of you will do what is the best for "BOTH" of you...and after reading your words, I am absolutely sure you will. Although you do not have children, which is
probably a blessing at this point....try to remain good and close friends with each other,
even if you do go your separate ways...that is very important and will help the change to
be easier for the both of you.

Also, once you have gone your own way, take it easy...don't just run out and try to
fulfill all of your gay desires and passions all at once. Be selective and DO practice safe
sex. I went through it and so know what I'm talking about. I was given that same advice from some of my friends after my marriage broke up...and I am very glad I took
their advice.

Good luck...I'm available if you ever want to chat...

 

[teabagme69]

Hey T......

I hope the two of you will do what is the best for "BOTH" of you...and after reading your words, I am absolutely sure you will. Although you do not have children, which is
probably a blessing at this point....try to remain good and close friends with each other,
even if you do go your separate ways...that is very important and will help the change to
be easier for the both of you.

Also, once you have gone your own way, take it easy...don't just run out and try to
fulfill all of your gay desires and passions all at once. Be selective and DO practice safe
sex. I went through it and so know what I'm talking about. I was given that same advice from some of my friends after my marriage broke up...and I am very glad I took
their advice.

Good luck...I'm available if you ever want to chat...

Thank you. We have spoken before about staying friends if we do split up, and I would hope that we could continue to. That is basically all we are right now anyway, so it shouldn't be too much of a stretch. I appreciate your advice about taking it easy, as well. I definitely plan to! I have been in a relationship with one person for the past 11 of my 26 years on this earth, so without a doubt now will be the time to be alone for a while. Learn more about who I am, without anyone else.

Helga, thanks for your well wishes also.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Thank you. We have spoken before about staying friends if we do split up, and I would hope that we could continue to. That is basically all we are right now anyway, so it shouldn't be too much of a stretch. I appreciate your advice about taking it easy, as well. I definitely plan to! I have been in a relationship with one person for the past 11 of my 26 years on this earth, so without a doubt now will be the time to be alone for a while. Learn more about who I am, without anyone else.

Helga, thanks for your well wishes also.

T....
It's going to be a bit difficult to "cut away" and be on you own after so long a time being
connected "hip to hip" and "heart to heart", so don't be surprised that you will go through
some bad times for awhile and will experience a "withdrawal." Just don't let it get you down. Try to stay positive and believe that it is the best thing for both of you and that
you both are making the right and the only decision because if the circumstances.

I know you want to "be alone for a while", but don't cut yourself off from the outside world.
You can learn just as much about who you are with others around as you can by being
alone. You need to get out and make yourself busy to keep you from dwelling on the past
and your problems. Your life is "going to change" and it "will not be the same", so you might just as well start doing what you have to do and get on with your "new" life.

Don't have a good friend, or friends, that you can get together with to occupy your time
and mind? I don't know what your hobbies are, but go bowling, go skateboarding, go boating, fishing, play softball, do volunteer work, serve in a soup kitchen...whatever...just do things that are completely different from what you were doing before inorder to get away from it all...which
will give you other interests and things to think about and do. I took up skiing and cross crountry, did some skydiving (only twice because it scared the s...t out of me...:frown1 and it really did
help me forget and get on with my life. I met new friends, did things I never did before, I did
some traveling and found out that I could put the past behind me. You can too!

All the best....to you both...

 

[beachbum1971]

I got married to my high school sweet heart and ended my marriage after 17 years even though we have a child because we were not happy or compatible anymore. It was better to split and remain friends than force something that would not work and end up hating each other.
There is no hope for you to be happy sexually together, and the only thing you have is your friendship. You do not need to stay married to keep your friendship. You do, however, need to split up to enjoy a new life though. Sometimes we stay together for fear of what's new, but you only go around once, so why be unhappy?
It's not fair to either of you to continue if you are gay. Breaking up is hard to do, but I like to think of it as creating a new chapter. You are older and wiser and wish to keep the good parts, but cut out what is not working and support each other to find a new partner that can satisfy those needs.
Best of luck to you both.

 

[ColonialBoy]

I'm not married but in a similar situation mentally.

I will say this
- you have little choice who got get an erection for, and that in some sense defines your sexuality. I look at some straight porn, gay porn. but the 'gay dating scence' leaves me cold.
- your wife is beautiful in the same way a painting is beautiful. You may admire the Mona Lisa but you dont want sex with her
- in my case I find about 0.1% of women attractive but maybe 5% of men. The rest of the population I have no interest in.
- do you want kids? I dont mean this flippantlly, but in a deep down way? It may change your decisions.

I would suggest talking to your doctor about taking an antidepressant, I've been on the for years & your posts shows may of the same symptoms of dysthymia at least. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia . I will tell you that you can make some very wrong decisions if you are depressed, you will look back in years to come & its "what was I thinking".

I also suggest some psychology therapy - cognitive behavioural therapy, positive psychology, meditation/mindfulness.

Keep exercising too, it helps increase a brain chemical called BDNF which tends to stop depression Senior Mental Health Counseling, Older Adult Mental Health, Elder Care Advice from Seattle Geriatric Psychiatrist, Ron Sterling, M.D. (Caregiver Support, Online Medical Advice).

 

[onewatcher]

Thank you. I know what I have to do, but it's hard. I'm working through all of that with my therapist though. We discussed how there will be grief for the end of our relationship and fear and having to undergo a huge lifestyle change. A complete 180, if you will, from the "perfect," "normal" life to a gay lifestyle and the fear of rejection and having to start over. But I realize that all of this is part of becoming an adult. A lot of people don't go through it. They just continue to pretend to be happy with the way things are so that they don't have to deal with change. I do realize how young we are and how fortunate we are that we're going through this now and not 20+ years from now. I wish I had gone through it 10 years ago, but who knows who they really are at 16? I would venture to say no one.

Yes Tea, it won't be easy. Unfortunately, life isn't always easy. We just have to make the best of it, and do our best to change what needs to be changed. ( a friend of mine came out after 25 yrs of marriage, and two kids, just last year, It has been terrible rough, but a few months ago, he met a great guy and is very happy. ) I know you can't foresee the future, but I can almost guarentee you, that you and the wife will both be better off, and actually find some happiness. Good luck, and just keep remembering this isn't the end of your lives, but new beginnings.

 

[AgentOfInstability]

There is a lot of fantastic advice in this thread.

Some of the advice has touched on, or addressed directly, the issue of ethics. Ethics can be a confusing issue because it often *seems* as if there are pro/con elements to both sides of every decision.

That's where ethics come in and provided a standard.

Apply the following test to the beliefs of both parties: is it ethical to stay in a relationship under these circumstances? Will the choice to remain in the relationship bring the best result both parties over the long term?

Only you and your wife can answer these questions. Ending the relationship is not necessarily a joint decision, and a joint decision is certainly not required. The point of ethics is to help us make decisions without being drowned by our own biases.

 

[teabagme69]

Just an update for those of you who have read this thread...

Well it's kind of a huge deal, actually...

I went to my therapist on Monday of this week, and was pretty sure about what I needed to do. I had realized that I was gay, and that I needed to end the relationship. I went and had dinner at my parents' house this past Thursday, and explained the situation to them... I came out to them for the second time, in essence, because I had basically already come out before my visit to London. Then I just had a phone conversation with my wife this evening (remember she is down at "the farm" skydiving), and it was very evident that we were both on the same page. Basically what we discussed was not whether or not we were going to stay together but how we should go about getting our divorce. It was amazingly rational and matter-of-fact.

She is coming back to town in just over a week, and we are going to go see a lawyer--probably use the same lawyer because we have very few assets to divide, and I think there should be very little stress in regards to straightening that stuff out. Luckily in NC, the law is such that you can file your separation papers and backdate them to the last time you had sex, which was over a year ago, and you only have to be separated a year before you can get a divorce. So we can be done with all of this probably within a month!

Thanks so much to everyone who provided their advice! Apparently my wife and I were much farther down the path than I had realized, and this has been a very smooth process so far! *knocks on wood*

Everything is going to be ok, and we will go on with our lives, leading happier and more fulfilled lives than we thought were possible. Thanks again!