My Problem

[OhCanada]

This is a difficult problem for me, perhaps the part of myself of which I am least proud. I would like to consider myself a supporter of equality, however there is a huge bias in my way. I have realized that I may actually have a problem in two respects.
So here is how I came to this realization (although I think I knew long ago but didn't want to face it.) My wife and I have been talking about having kids lately. In fact, she miscarried late last year. So this has brought about the talk of adoption in the future, should we be unable to naturally carry a child to term. I actually quite like the idea of adoption, however I guess I had a picture in my head already because my wife said "What would you think about adopting a baby of another race, maybe a little black baby or a little chinese baby?" I want to be open to this, and I feel I should however my wife doesn't know something; I have a humungous attraction/problem with black cock interacial porn. I know, it's infantile and perpetuates this false myth, but I am ashamed to say I crave it. Nobody knows this. I have been watching that kind of thing for probably 10 years. And I realize that it has mad me a very racist person. I don't trust black men because of it. At first it was new and exciting but now it has made me paint an entire race with a single brush. I think this is because I don't really know any black people in real life, so this is my only contact with them.
I know the solution is to quit looking at it, but I can't. I quite seriously feel like a person addicted to heroin. There is nothing that gets me off quite the same. I try to stop but as soon as the house it empty, the computer calls me and I almost never can resist. I need suggestions. Is there anyone with a similar problem or someone who has gone through a similar issue?

 

[Gillette]

Why would interracial porn make black men seem untrustworthy to you?

 

[Pecker]

If the time ever comes that you and your wife are looking for a child to adopt you may not even have an opportunity to choose a baby of another race. If you do, however, and once having met the child you still feel the way you feel now you must be honest about it - honest to yourself and to your wife.

I have a feeling, though, that once you look into the child's eyes, its skin color will not even register. Your heart will melt.

 

[dreamer20]

adopting a baby of another race, maybe a little black baby or a little chinese baby?"
I realize that watching black porn has made me a very racist person. I don't trust black men because of it.

Yes, I'm puzzled by this "don't trust" comment too.

Explain please.

 

[DaveyR]

If the time ever comes that you and your wife are looking for a child to adopt you may not even have an opportunity to choose a baby of another race. If you do, however, and once having met the child you still feel the way you feel now you must be honest about it - honest to yourself and to your wife.

I have a feeling, though, that once you look into the child's eyes, its skin color will not even register. Your heart will melt.

Very wise words

 

[snoozan]

I think the adoption issue and your porn/racism issue are completely separate issues that you are conflating.

I think you need to address the porn/racism problem before you even consider adopting
a child of any race. This is only going to continue to bother you and will eventually influence your child. As a parent, you are obligated to be as emotionally healthy as you can be. The way you describe your problem doesn't sound at all healthy. I would recommend find a therapist to work this out.

Mind you, I don't find getting off on interracial porn itself to be a problem. I think a lot of it perpetuates a set of stereotypes that I think we need to dispense with entirely, but in itself it's not all that troubling. What is troubling is that you state you are mistrustful of black men because of it, that it has become something you feel extremely guilty for and you can't make yourself stop. It sounds like it's really interfering with your life.

As far as adopting a child goes, my husband and I have had long discussions about adopting an non-white child. There are definitely going to be some hardships and interesting moments especially since we have one biological child, but from what I've seen it all works itself out. The most important part of bonding with a child is the time you spend with them, not what they look like.

Now, just to address what Pecker said, your eyes may well not melt the second you see your child... or they will melt and be filled with apprehension. It took a good few months for me to really fall in love with my son, and now he is the most amazing thing in my world. Not everyone bonds immediately. I just thought I'd add that since I thought I was a complete freak of nature because I was terrified of my son in some elemental way for the first little bit.

 

[Principessa]

Why would interracial porn make black men seem untrustworthy to you?

I was wondering the same thing. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[TxAg]

I think this is because I don't really know any black people in real life, so this is my only contact with them.

Well, as they say, the solution points to itself. Go meet some black people!

And if you can, stop looking at the porn if only for as long as it takes you to meet and know black people.

Of course, I suspect you won't view your little black baby as a black person, but as your baby. And in so doing, you will get to know a black person as a person.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

I also love black cocks, but it has nothing to do with how much I trust or don't trust either black people generally or any black person in particular.

 

[OhCanada]

I really appreciate the advice. To answer the question, the trust issue, I think that may be from two things. One is the porn, which usually has the story line (if you could call it that) of sleeping with someones wife etc.
However the bigger part of this I think was my childhood. I grew up in a very white community, with one black kid, ten chinese and like three brown kids. I happened to be best friends with the black kid. But two things happened: One his father abandoned his mother with a ton of debt and left the country. Two, this friend tried to sleep with my gf at the time (unsuccessfully but it still hurt me). I realize that not all black people are like this, and that white people behave in less that honorable ways all the time as well, but i'm having a hard time getting over it.

And I totally agree that once I saw a child my heart would melt. However that is when you are at your strongest, what happens if you have a bad day and something slips? Or what happens when the child grows up to start dating and I have all of these messed up things floating around in my head?

 

[ramwella]

You are dealing with a lot of complex issues here-- too many for a quick message post. Basically, your question is about "what if...?" So, I'm going to cut to the chase and focus on the prospective child.

As a white man parenting a non-white child, would you encourage and provide healthy images of that child's ethnicity and culture? If so, how?

Solely based on your confession, I doubt that you are capable of doing that. Even for the most open-minded, well-informed parents, tackling the race issue is like navigating a land mine. But on top of that, you're adding the "White-daddy-distrusts-black-men-but-is-addicted-to-black/inter-racial-porn" issue. I do not know the psychological journey you would have to take in order to justify or rationalize your good intentions.

Know this one thing:
Whether consciously or subconsciously, at some level and to some degree, your beliefs, values and attitudes are what will shape the character of your child!

I am bi-racial, and while growing up, the topic of race was always at the brim. My parents handle it well for my siblings and me, but not everyone can do that.

btw:
What if the best friend who had tried to sleep with your girlfriend was a white guy? Would you now be as distrustful of white men? Hmmm?

 

[dreamer20]

To answer the question, the trust issue, I think that may be from two things. One is the porn, which usually has the story line (if you could call it that) of sleeping with someones wife etc.
In my childhood. ...one friend who was a black kid tried to sleep with my gf at the time (unsuccessfully but it still hurt me). I realize that not all black people are like this, and that white people behave in less that honorable ways all the time as well, but i'm having a hard time getting over it.

Re: the adopted child...
what if you have a bad day and something slips? Or what happens when the child grows up to start dating and I have all of these messed up things floating around in my head?

How could you overlook the way that "white people" carry on on Jerry Springer or Melrose Place etc. OhCanada?
It is bizarre that you don't trust black males because of the plot of a "genital vision" film. There are a few men of any color who will try it on with someone's girl. As you well know it is your wife that you must trust to refuse their advances. Do you trust her? If so, you have nothing to worry about.

Re: the adopted child:
I sincerely hope that your predjudice does not lead you to think he will turn into some kind of sex beast when he reaches the age of puberty.
I expect that you tell your son the consequences of unprotected sex and advise him to wait until he is of age before having girlfriends. Once he is mature you will have to respect that his sex life is a personal and private matter. If he wants to discuss any of his troubles with you, you will be available to him of course.

 

[B_big dirigible]

Picking the race or national or ethnic origin of the baby strikes me as a bizarre criterion for adoption. But so what, I'm not the one doing the adopting, so I'll skip the obvious lecture.

If you think a black baby might cause you, reasonably or unreasonably, to be a poor father, then maybe you should go with the Chinese baby. A program of self-improvement is all well and fine, but a child shouldn't be part of an experiment. Give the black baby a break and leave him for some other parent who's ready for him.